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Original poster

How do i arrange a family meeting with the parents I kicked out of my home..

52 replies

Misssweetheart · 04/08/2021 19:00

Okay Long story and I NEEED to get this off my chest because its killing me..
Im 29 weeks pregnant and I have an 11 month old.
My parents looked after him at our house whilst me and my partner worked a 11hr shift.
I returned home, and as soon as, mum and dad opened a bottle of wine, [they love wine] they poured a glass and for some reason it smashed and red wine ended up ALL over my sofa, [we had finally paid off] and my brand new rug..

My parents are ....erm... how do i put this... rather self absorbed and high functioning rich alcoholics..So instead of apologising, they began to batter me with an assault of nasty questions
"omg im soaked with wine?! why do you have such rubbish glasses!"
[they bought them for me]

"i dont see why we should clean this up, considering the dog hair in your house anyway"

"lemme guess, you dont even know what cleaning products you have to sort this out"
[I LITERALLY gave them a tour of our products the day before]

They did everything but say sorry, I began to try and explain that i showed them that we have vanish under the cupboard, but my dad stood over me and told me to shut up [he usually allows mum to say whatever she wants by scaring me into being quiet]

I thought to myself, WTF am i being told to shut up in my OWN HOME?! I cracked, i've taken too much of their abuse, i went upstairs and cried.I slept on the floor as we had given them our bed for the night and they passed out drunk on the sofas that night after watching movies, [whilst i just lay there crying in my sons room]

My husband came home, saw them passed out in the living room, smelt the wine, saw me on the floor of our sons room and he lost it.

He put me to bed and we both promised enough was enough...

The next morning i told them, we were beyond greatful for their childcare help but asked that the comments HAD to stop. They went back and forth denying the comments or defending them. I said
"im sorry, i just cant deal with the comments"
they replied: "well, maybe WE cant deal with your hysterics!"

THAT WAS IT. I RAN OUT THE HOUSE IN FLOODS OF TEARS AND ANGER. MY HUSBAND CHASED AFTER ME. I WAS HAVING A FORM OF PANIC ATTACK I THINK.
My husband returned and told them that we thought it might be best if they left. We'd take some time off work and look after our son..
He watched as they packed their stuff and stormed out of our home, whilst i stood a few streets down in no shoes or socks and just waited.....

Hours later, I returned to my home, and cuddled up to my husband and baby. I was still in shock that i had somewhat stood up to them for the first time in my life. I feel both pride and guilt.

But i want to make things right, I want a relationship with them... I think i need to sit them down and tell them how i feel, but they scare me and I cant do it alone. How do i go about arranging a meeting to talk about this without it getting out of hand?

Please help. my baby cant deal with the stress...

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 04/08/2021 19:06

Ffs do not apologise they are the ones in the wrong here not you hold your ground do not cave in maybe later after they can see your serious consider speaking to them but not right now

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 04/08/2021 19:08

This all sounds incredibly dramatic. You returned ‘hours later’? Did you stand outside in bare feet for hours?

If this is all true then you need to cut them out of your life. And why on earth have you allowed alcoholics to care for your child?

All of this sounds very strange indeed.

RainyDay2020 · 04/08/2021 19:10

Do not apologise! My mother was like this and I went NC got several years.
She wore me down to such as point that she would get drunk and behave unreasonably and abuse me mentally and physically and I would somehow be the one apologising.

There doesn’t have to be a big declaration of NC and a row, just withdraw. Protect your own mental health (and physical health too by the sounds of it). And they’re not taking care of your child properly while drinking so put a stop to that too.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3rd trimester Families General pregnancy
Motnight · 04/08/2021 19:11

Never allow alcoholics to look after your child.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 04/08/2021 19:11

If you want some contact make it very structured. 1 hour coffee and cake in a neutral setting. Do not invite them to your home or visit them in theirs.

Comedycook · 04/08/2021 19:12

@Motnight

Never allow alcoholics to look after your child.
This
Hoppinggreen · 04/08/2021 19:13

No point, it won’t achieve anything
Protect your child.
It’s good your DH is supportive

ilovebagpuss · 04/08/2021 19:13

You could always write a letter and say your piece it may bring some relief from the stress.
They sound vile I’m afraid so you might be better off just leaving it and letting them think about their behaviour.
If you still want to see them I would personally keep it very infrequent and meet up for a pub meal or something then they can go home. Perhaps in your letter you could explain that you were both grateful for the childcare but that this is no longer required and so on.
You need to make other arrangements for childcare and then you can have simple days out for them to see the grandchildren if that’s what you and your DH feel is an option but keep it low contact.

Longdistance · 04/08/2021 19:15

I wouldn’t even bother. Go NC.

Tlems · 04/08/2021 19:16

Don't apologise and don't let them look after your child. They sound horrible, I'd think a lot about whether you really want a relationship with them or you just like the idea/hope of a happy family (been there got that t-shirt, I tried for years on hopes it would change, but it never did, she chose the bottle above anythj g else, just wasn't worth it)

LanisHouseLot · 04/08/2021 19:20

The whole thing sounds so dramatic (and they sound mean too). Have you been conditioned for everything with them to end up a big drama with tears and shouting? No wonder you're anxious about it.

Do you really need a meeting? If you want a relationship with them I'd be inclined to keep it quite superficial - pleasantries, dinners out together, chats about entirely non-emotive issues. No prolonged contact, childcare, or staying at each others houses. Relationships like this will never be peaceful when they go any deeper than surface niceness. If you need gentleness and peace then you will have to get for yourself by keeping them at arm's length, because they sound incapable of providing you with what you it. From what you've described their lives are drama, alcohol, and confrontations. It sounds exhausting and not something you want to be indebted to.

LividLaVidaLoca · 04/08/2021 19:21

Don’t let alcoholics look after your kids.

All the rest is just noise.

(Source: alky mother and expensive paid nursery)

PanamaPattie · 04/08/2021 19:22

Why bother? Too much drama.

Viviennemary · 04/08/2021 19:23

No. Its too late. That ship has sailed.

whatthejiggeries · 04/08/2021 19:24

Your husband sounds great. Find better childcare

WindowsSmindows · 04/08/2021 19:25

Stop using them for child care.
Dont have a big dramatic meeting. Just meet them for nice chats coffee and cake only. Never serve them alcoholic drinks, never socialize with them when they're drunk, if they insult you just shrug and say"well that's a bit rude but whatever"
Don't use them for child care.
Don't use them for child care.

EmmalineC · 04/08/2021 19:29

I wouldn't want to be building any bridges with this awful pair. You're lucky it was only the sofa and rug that got damaged during their red wine binge.

What were you thinking, allowing alcoholics care for your child?

Research some local childcare services and tell your parents that, until they stop drinking themselves into a stupor, you will have nothing more to do with them.

Put your child first!

Majkali · 04/08/2021 19:30

Wow, sounds very dramatic OP. Don't think I'd be going back for more.

godmum56 · 04/08/2021 19:30

why do you want a relationship with them? They don't seem to add much to the party

Notaroadrunner · 04/08/2021 19:31

You will NEVER have the relationship you want with them. Their favourite relationship is with alcohol. They won't care that you are upset. They will end up turning everything you say about them around and make out that you are the unreasonable one. The best thing you can do for yourself, your Dh and your kids is to stay away from them. Get yourself some counselling to help you build your self esteem and help you realise that they are abusive towards you.

titchy · 04/08/2021 19:31

Dear god woman why all the drama. Calm down. Just quietly and calmly and simply don't contact them. Send them a Christmas card. And that's it. If they phone you be busy. No need for throwing yourself weeping on a floor, leaving for hours, fleeing in floods of tears, followed by what you know will be a dramatic confrontational meeting which will end the same way and achieve nothing.

Disengage. Job done.

As yes sorry but you and your dh were incredibly stupid and irresponsible to let alcoholics look after your child.

EarringsandLipstick · 04/08/2021 19:33

Don't apologise. But honestly, the drama! All the crying & hysterics.

I'd leave them be, they don't sound like any way decent parents or grandparents.

MartyHart · 04/08/2021 19:37

I wouldn't bother personally. No one needs that much drama.

SeaToSki · 04/08/2021 19:43

If you want a relationship with them, you have to hope that they realise that they want a relationship with you. That they reach out to you with apologies and ask what they can do or change to make it right. Until that happens, I would wait (with crossed fingers) and enjoy the drama free life.

Returnoftheowl · 04/08/2021 19:43

@MartyHart

I wouldn't bother personally. No one needs that much drama.
Absolutely this.

You need to consider if you feel they are worth having a relationship with? Judging by their behaviour I would suggest not, but that's not something Mumsnet is going to be able to help with.