When people on mumsnet say “are you normally this anxious” or “I think you need help with your anxiety”…

[Snoogled]

Do you think it is said kindly? I suspect it sometimes is especially when prefixed with “I say this kindly” but often I think it’s people being mean. Or am I reading this wrong?

I agree. It’s said passive aggressively more often than not.

When I say it I definitely mean it kindly, and I try to word it in such a way.

Of course they're not being kind. They're minimising your concern by making it sound like a non-specific mental health problem rather than a legitimate reason to be worried.

Yes passive aggressive is the wording I think. It annoys me a lot,

Just checking wasn’t sure if I was being silly!

Haha. Definitely is never read as being kind regardless of the writers intent. And I feel it actually usually means. STFU.

@Snoogled

Just checking wasn’t sure if I was being silly!

Are you usually this anxious...? 😀

I depends on rest of the context - I think 'are you normally this anxious' can be a fair question, as in before they answer they would prefer to know if OP is generallt anxious or if it's out of character?

The subtext for me with these kind of statements is that the person being judged as anxious is seen as malfunctioning in some way and ought to go to a doctor to get 'fixed' chemically or otherwise.

It's rather undermining of someone else's experience and reactions. Kind? Not particularly!

I have definitely seen it said as a nasty dig, though. Which is horrible.

I despise passive aggressiveness.

At best, a tad patronising. Usually, snide and PA. At worst, nasty.

Yes it’s nice to see it confirmed that it isn’t nice.

Not said kindly.
Everyone who is anxious knows they are. But they don't have a bottomless wallet to fix it.

I generally see it on posts by clearly quite distressed mothers of young babies/toddlers. Its important to gently and sympathetically raise the possibility of anxiety/PND/OCD and/or other mental health concerns, in case it helps the individual to seek some help if they actually do need it. It’s not a failure at all to be suffering with anxiety - I suffer myself so why would I judge? I would certainly hope that the majority of people who say it actually mean it kindly/gently.

No one ever says, You seem very anxious but I agree with you.
They always say, Are you very anxious because you're talking rubbish.

It can be either nice or nasty. It's usually fairly easy to tell which, in context.

I think it depends on the prior content of the content is delivered with.

I've said similar on here, but it's always been prefixed with something about my anxiety and that I am diagnosed, signed sealed delivered, so if I recognise something of my own experience in the OPs message, I'll say, and then ask.

I agree that more often than not its written with the head tilt, passive aggressive potentially sneery attitude.

Not nice, especially when they say "are you getting any help for your anxiety" or even worse "what help are you getting with your anxiety". Kinder to say something like "in my experience most people wouldn't feel too concerned about XYZ".

Most of the time on here it's said to be dickish.

@AlmostSummer21

It can be either nice or nasty. It's usually fairly easy to tell which, in context.

I agree. But when the posters saying it are having a dig, in most cases the OP is massively over-reacting to something that really is a non issue and need to be told to pull up their big girl pants.

I disagree about the Passive Aggressive angle being the norm.

I’m often surprised by the seemingly mundane things that seem to cause other posters serious anxiety and if I queried it, (unlikely) it would be coming from a place of genuine interest.

However, I think it’s similar to people suffering from phobias. A phobia is by definition an irrational fear, so I can understand that to the sufferer, it is utterly terrifying but to the majority, it’s no big deal.

However, where Covid is concerned, I can understand why there is still a lot of anxiety around especially where that person or their close relative has other serious health issues. Being double jabbed won’t make any difference to him if he has the misfortune to catch it, according to my DH’s consultant and he was advised to remain extremely careful and carry on as if he hasn’t been jabbed.

Therefore, to those people who have ditched Mask wearing, we might seem irrationally anxious about catching Covid. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Surely it’s going to depend on what the poster is so anxious about. If it’s the sort of very minor thing that would normally be taken in a person’s stride, or shrugged off, I don’t see that it’s wrong to ask.

I don’t mind admitting that in such cases I’ve often wanted to say, ‘FGS just get a grip!’ But I never have, and I don’t suppose I ever will.

It's not always kind, but then again people do seem to worry about things beyond all proportion. There was a woman thinking she should cancel her family holiday in the UK because there might be ticks, for example. How else do you signal to an OP that their level of worry is excessive and indicative of a bigger problem than the one being discussed? How else can you respond to that other than to say, as nicely as possible, is there a specific reason why this in particular is worrying you or are you rather prone to anxiety in any case? This woman would have gone ahead and cancelled her children's holiday, and possibly passed onto them her irrational fears. If nobody ever says to these people, actually this is your anxiety talking and not a rational concern, won't that just fuel their anxiety as they will think their worry is legitimate?

Depends on the thread I think. And the board. I think it can be said perfectly genuinely on, say, the pregnancy board. Less so on AIBU.

As someone who does suffer with anxiety and panic attacks, I do think that sometimes it actually is useful to basically say “this level of worrying is not proportionate to the situation. This is your anxiety talking and it is not rational”

Its cuntish behaviour.