Is this is a creepy question?

[obviousanonymous]

I struggle a huge amount with anxiety - diagnosis of cptsd . Therapist said she thinks my self esteem is very low and she’s asked me to ask friends this week why they wanted to be friends with me .

I have one very trusted friend I think I could ask - literally, why did you want to be my friend? - but scared she’ll find that a weird question and won’t want to answer ... would you consider it a strange/intrusive question?

Therapist said it’s to disprove my theory that people actually just feel sorry for me - which she said is almost certainly not true ... is it worth asking and seeing what answer I get?

As a question out of the blue, yes it'd be odd.

If you provide some context then I think it'd be ok.

Of course! These people are your friends, I'm sure they'll be honest with you, and tell you many (lovely) reasons why they have chosen to be
Good luck with your treatment

Seems weird to me but then I have had no experience of therapists.

That's a big ask for someone with esteem issues etc.
Depends on your friends of course. How many people would honestly say I feel sorry for you as a response.

It's not that helpful a suggestion tbh.

I think it would depend on how you approach the question.
If it were me, I'd try to keep it lighthearted, maybe ask when you were having a glass of wine or a coffee together.
I'd mention the therapist (if the friend knew you were doing that) or perhaps mention a daily gratitudes journal or something similar.

Perhaps think of something that you like about that particular friend as a way of opening up the conversation, and then they would be relaxed about reciprocating?

It sounds quite a difficult step the therapist has asked you to take, a way of testing your friendships, but mainly of testing yourself.

Is this something that you're happy doing? Just because this is something your therapist has suggested it doesn't mean you should feel like you have to. Don't feel pressured in to doing it.

@DrRichardBurke

That's a big ask for someone with esteem issues etc. Depends on your friends of course. How many people would honestly say I feel sorry for you as a response.

It's not that helpful a suggestion tbh.

This^^

I was also going to respond that I’d be nervous of asking this in case someone said they were my friend because they felt sorry for me!

My DD had a therapist last year... made things a whole lot worse for her.

If you are not yet comfortable to ask this then don't

I can see why it would be helpful. My friends therapist had her do something similar. She was told to ask me and some of her other close friends that she trusted for three things we liked about her. She was honest with us and explained that she struggled with her self esteem so was going to therapy and that this is what she had been asked to do. I didn’t find it weird and as her friend I could think of loads of things I liked about her.

I should add she found asking it awkward and cringey but ultimately very helpful as when she was feeling really bad about herself she could look at the list and remind herself how much other people valued her which helped her start to value herself more.

I think it’s a reasonable question, and I would mind answering it for any of my friends.

And the majority of people wouldn’t forge a friendship with someone they felt sorry for because that’s a recipe for hard work. Most people are friends with people that they click or have some common ground with. People they find funny or balanced and rational and reasonable and fun to be around.

Also, re therapy making things worse.

Proper helpful therapy can be really destabilising as you get rid of your old core values and beliefs about yourself and work on making new ones, it’s can feel like setting everything on fire and restarting from the ashes. Stick with it.

*wouldn’t mind answering for my friends.

I wouldn't think twice about answering that. I'd probably be a bit worried if you asked me out of the blue though, I'd wonder if you were going through a bad phase.

What is the scientific basis for asking this question? And will you get a true scientific answer if you ask it and does it matter? Perhaps change therapist.

I wouldn’t mind answering the question, though it might take me by surprise and cause me to hesitate, which might then be “read” as something else.

I’d hate to actually ask this question though, it’d make me really anxious, and I generally am not a particularly anxious person.

If you’re not comfortable asking it, I wouldn’t put yourself through the worry.

@Trisolaris

I can see why it would be helpful. My friends therapist had her do something similar. She was told to ask me and some of her other close friends that she trusted for three things we liked about her. She was honest with us and explained that she struggled with her self esteem so was going to therapy and that this is what she had been asked to do. I didn’t find it weird and as her friend I could think of loads of things I liked about her.

I think “three things you like about me” is much more positive and less scary than “why are you friends with me”

I think you should be prepared for people having difficulty answering! Probably no-one will say, "Because I felt sorry for you," but people might say, "because you lived next door" or "because our kids were at school together." Or even "I don't know, I just liked you!" I think a more valuable question is why they stayed friends with you.

If a close friend told me it was part of her therapy, I'd do my best, although I'd find it very hard to answer.

Just as a random question, very odd and uncomfortable.

I would give context to the question. Also maybe over email or text so the person has some time to think. Put on the spot thats a bit of a strong question. You may get better answers giving them a bit of time to think about it and not just give you standard compliments.

I think if your friend knows you are doing therapy and if you explain the context of the question then it could even be a fun discussion.

I’d find it a bit dubious from a therapeutic POV — I mean, I don’t think it’s especially helpful to encourage someone with poor self-esteem to look to other people to affirm her sense of her own worth. Obviously, one assumes her friends will say nice things about why they are friends with her, but equally, if you asked a different set of people who aren’t her friends, they could supply a list of why they don’t like her. And either way, I don’t think it’s good to base your sense of your own self worth on other people’s liking or lack of it.

@BlithePilgrim

I’d find it a bit dubious from a therapeutic POV — I mean, I don’t think it’s especially helpful to encourage someone with poor self-esteem to look to other people to affirm her sense of her own worth. Obviously, one assumes her friends will say nice things about why they are friends with her, but equally, if you asked a different set of people who aren’t her friends, they could supply a list of why they don’t like her. And either way, I don’t think it’s good to base your sense of your own self worth on other people’s liking or lack of it.

I agree. It almost feels like reassurance seeking.

Hmmm Ive got friends Id find it hard to think what to say. I mean we're friends vut my brain goes blank! I don't think "we had kids at the same time" would be the desired answer....

Provided the reason for you asking was explained to your friend first, it seems a perfectly reasonable question to me.