Is this is a creepy question?

[obviousanonymous]

I struggle a huge amount with anxiety - diagnosis of cptsd . Therapist said she thinks my self esteem is very low and she’s asked me to ask friends this week why they wanted to be friends with me .

I have one very trusted friend I think I could ask - literally, why did you want to be my friend? - but scared she’ll find that a weird question and won’t want to answer ... would you consider it a strange/intrusive question?

Therapist said it’s to disprove my theory that people actually just feel sorry for me - which she said is almost certainly not true ... is it worth asking and seeing what answer I get?

@DerAlteMann

Provided the reason for you asking was explained to your friend first, it seems a perfectly reasonable question to me.

No, there's no problem with asking the friend as such, but it's just not great to encourage someone to base their self-esteem off the fact that their friends like them.

It seems to imply that someone without friends is less valuable, when surely the point of self-esteem is that it's a matter of you fundamentally respecting and caring for yourself, and thinking you have the same right as anyone else to live in the world?

Hmm. Depends on the type of therapy. Are you comfortable that your therapy is helping you?

@Stanlie

Hmm. Depends on the type of therapy. Are you comfortable that your therapy is helping you?

I am yes, it’s a lot of working through core beliefs and analysing them/finding evidence to the contrary for each one . So for example if my core beliefs are that I’m unlovable or disgusting for example, then finding evidence that that’s not actually true .

I don’t think I’d ask many people at all tbh, I think most people would be very taken aback - but there is one friend I’d be happy to ask, I think - she does know context very well . It does feel a bit like seeking reassurance tbh - and I don’t want to put her on the spot so would definitely email !!

Well that's really good news. I think it takes a lot for people to start and stick with therapy and if it's working for you then you need a big 'well done' for sticking with it and making the changes you want. Good stuff

I don’t think checking out what qualities your friends value about you is a bad thing to do, if you contextualise it and feel ok asking. I don’t know what type of therapy you’re having but it might be that’s part of it. Some therapies set ‘homework’, for example. I probably wouldn’t suggest it to a client myself but I would gently challenge any beliefs about others’ feelings towards them that seem based on low opinion of self rather than likely reality.

I did this as part of therapy a few years ago. I felt really awkward about it but just pitched it as "god this is embarrassing but my counsellor has asked me to choose a couple of friends to tell me what they like about me..."

I got really lovely and insightful comments from the two friends I asked and I still have the emails saved. They both independently said very similar and quite specific things, despite not knowing each other, which made me feel much better, and that what they said must be genuine as it wasn't just generic polite statements. It meant a lot to me.