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Original poster

Asking part time working mother's- how much does your full time working husband do for the family?

34 replies

iloveitalia · 03/08/2021 21:54

I work 2.5 days a week as a Grammar school teacher and have been on summer holidays since the end of June. DH works full time and we have a 9 year old daughter. I took my daughter on a 10 day holiday on my own in July and also researched and booked all holiday camps for her since our return. I have done all breakfasts, drop offs and pick ups as I am off work, made all lunches and snacks and organised all play dates during both the week ( which is fair as I'm off work) and at weekends. I do 90 per cent of all weekend trips and days out on my own. DH is a cyclist and has been away on his own on 2 weekend cycling trips and has another one planned. He never plays with our daughter during week after work or at weekend- it's always left up to me. He claims tiredness and then spends all evening tinkering with his bike. If we are to do anything at all as a family it's always something I plan. If I suggest that he isn't pulling his weight he huffs and stonewalls me to the point I feel
like I'm being unreasonable- but inside I feel both sad, angry and disappointed. Would this level of engagement from your DH disappoint you? By the way my husband works hard at his job- but his hours are nice- from 9.30 - 5 and he doesn't do any extra hours. His commute is 15 mins max.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 03/08/2021 22:11

Yes it would definitely disappoint me. It's mostly the lack of engagement with your DD that seems bad.

That's really not ok.

My Dh works full time but always makes time for short trips with DD after work...it may only be a quick trip to get a milkshake and watch the sunset or as she's got older, running her to a nearby shop where she can buy a lipgloss she's wanted....little things like that.

At home he engages physically...a silly game of tag or something even though she's 13 now.

It's vital that kids get to see their Dads engaging in play and in social activities. I'm sorry you're facing this....I mean...I'd be thinking that splitting would at least ensure he does his fair share!

He'd have to have his access and then he'd HAVE to look after her.

In your shoes I'd be telling him that the jig was up and he either changes or it's over.

Biscoffin · 03/08/2021 22:16

That would be really disappointing here.

We have one DC and another on the way. I work three days, Dh works full time. We both work from home. DH still does loads of life admin for the house, cooks most nights, cleans often, does the nursery drop offs and pick ups, plays with DC, does bath-time and story time. He is around at lunch times too, so we sit together. He also gets up with DC in the morning, and would through the night if DC was ill.

Granted, he’s doing slightly more at the moment because I am not great through pregnancy, but he still does have a very involved role when I’m not pregnant.

I hope you find your balance OP.

Bunnycat101 · 03/08/2021 22:16

I’d be disappointed. I think this is much more than sharing the load tbh. This is about him not engaging with your daughter and that is just quite sad. I often get annoyed that I have more of the mental load but my husband has always done his fair share of drop-offs and pick-ups, bath and bedtimes etc. Does he do anything with her?

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minipie · 03/08/2021 22:22

That’s crap tbh.

I’m a SAHM and I do all of the mental load, organising and most of the day to day childcare as DH works 12+ hour days and has for years. BUT when he is around he is very hands on, does breakfast, does bathtime when he can, plays at weekends.

Original poster
iloveitalia · 03/08/2021 22:30

Thank you very much for your replies so far. I'm relieved that you agree with me- his reaction of anger when I dare to delicately suggest that he should do more makes me question myself.

By the way, he DOES do dinner once or twice a week and I basically force him to do bedtime a couple of times a week too- but it's always a rushed affair as he always wants to get back to his bike or tv.

He helped with NO homeschooling during lock down and NEVER helps with homework.

I don't want my daughter ending up married to a man like this because he thinks it's normal.

I think I want to separate. Does that seem logical to you? Would you feel the same?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/08/2021 22:34

Well you don't seem like a family. It's you and DD with a lodger that cooks twice per week.

Think I'd rather be single.

CocoNoopie · 03/08/2021 22:35

I think you need to tell him how you feel. His behaviour is not right.
My friend felt the same way about her DH and said to him, it doesnt matter if you are here or not because you dont do anything! Dd and I might as well be without you. That really struck him. Some people need things to be spelt out to them (unfortunately)

Tablow · 03/08/2021 22:38

It's almost like you have separated anyway. But you have to clean up after him still Hmm

GiantToadstool · 03/08/2021 22:46

Sounds like my dad in many ways. He showed no interest in me and Im sure only wanted children to please my mum!

I think you need to talk. If separation is on the cards it is worth talking first.

Megan2018 · 03/08/2021 22:48

Your husband is awful @iloveitalia

I work 4 days, DH is full time but shifts. He does nursery pick up every day and has DD until I get home about 7pm, then I do bedtime so I see her. I do drop off as he works 6am-3pm.
He works weekends frequently so I am often on my own with DD then.

He does most around the house though (all gardening and DIY and most cooking and cleaning), I do laundry and finance/admin and food shopping. DD still BF and I do all the nights as she only wants me.

I have a full on “hobby” (elderly, sick horse that needs a lot of care). So he has to accommodate that. It’s a PITA if I’m honest as it means we get no family time together. But it is what it is. We both do our bit.

foodanfagsjokiing · 03/08/2021 22:50

My children are now adults but it is only in the last year that they have said that my husband's interest in climbing has actually stopped them from being interested in climbing ....apparently he would take them, abandon them and go climbing on his own .You definitely need to set strict rules with his hobbies Xx

RandomMess · 03/08/2021 22:53

I got dragged around for my Dads hobby, I have never had any interest in it. All our family holidays, lots of weekends all doing what he wanted.

I missed out on having interests of my own, friends parties etc.

Original poster
iloveitalia · 03/08/2021 23:03

These replies are very helpful- thank you everyone. I have tried to talk to DH but he can't cope with any criticism- no matter how gently communicated- he huffs for days and this creates such a sad atmosphere at home that I cannot face putting my lovely daughter through it.

She can see that he does very little and and unprompted says that he doesn't do enough.

My concern with separation is that if he has her on his own she will be more or less 'unparented' and I don't want that for her either.

His idea of committed parenting is sitting beside her on his iPad while she watches tv- but he makes he watch documentaries rather than kids programmes- so that's commendable ( in his eyes). I wish he'd play cards with her, or go for a quick walk or cook something, or TALK/ CHAT...but don't think it's going to happen. He won't ever suggest doing anything like that with me either.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/08/2021 00:54

If you split your DD is already 9. Her opinions on spending time with her Dad would be listened to by a court.

I can't see him demanding lots of time with her as it would interfere too much with his hobby wouldn't it?

Maggiesfarm · 04/08/2021 03:25

That's disappointing for you iloveitalia. Obviously he should do more but you have told him so and he isn't compliant. I presume he loves your daughter in his way and she knows that.

Is she interested in cycling? I know someone with two children who has been taking them cycling since they were small, they love it. No point if she doesn't though.

If it is really getting to you, plus his moods (guilt, though he wouldn't admit it), tell him you have had enough and want to separate. Then when he sees her he'll have to do things with your daughter, take her out and talk to her etc.

You might find it better if you are not living together, you'll have your own life and there will be no expectations of him, therefore no disappointments. Obviously that will take a lot of thought and planning, sorting finances etc, but can be done.

Best wishes to you.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2021 03:40

Your husband is useless and I can't understand how you've put up with it for this long. Anyone who thinks this is normal or acceptable has very low standards. Your husband cares more about his fucking bicycle than he does his family.

Thecrisplover · 04/08/2021 06:40

I used to have one like this. Divorced now for a different reason.
DD is looked after by a childminder most of the time she is with ex, the two homes could not be more different. I too did not want my DD growing up in a house where she thought it was a normal situation, we spend time with other families where she sees what it should be like.

Topofthepopicles · 04/08/2021 06:54

I work the same number of days as you. DH does drop off to school, will take kids to medical appointments (his job is more flexible) and we usually do at least one day out as a family at the weekend. We have a cleaner and share the cooking. All the mental load, paperwork etc falls to me and all childcare during the week except bedtime which we share but he is a bit rubbish at. One of our children has SEND and so home is far harder work than work.
I wouldn’t except hobbies that take up all family time personally.

Binnaggy · 04/08/2021 07:10

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Apeirogon · 04/08/2021 07:15

I work part time and DH works full time. I would be very disappointed by this. Really more by his attitude than anything else - it reads as though he feels that you and DD are an inconvenience and he has no real interest in either of you.

Holly60 · 04/08/2021 07:23

Yes sounds like he isn’t pulling his weight

MinnieMountain · 04/08/2021 07:23

I’d be very disappointed.

I work 2.5 days a week, DH works 7:30am-6pm from home, we have a 7yo.

DH isn’t the best at organising household stuff but will when I prompt him, he cooks 1 weeknight and plenty at weekends, we split most bedtimes, he does DS’s reading with him on my workdays. My favourite thing is that he takes DS skiing without me.

Basically he clearly wants to spend time with DS.

He cycles in his lunch break when he has time and plays social hockey one night a week.

Is cycling the problem with your H or would he be like that regardless?

It’s sad but you reap what you sow and at least your DD has one proper parent.

MattyGroves · 04/08/2021 07:28

My concern with separation is that if he has her on his own she will be more or less 'unparented' and I don't want that for her either.

I wouldn't worry about that. He barely sees her now, he won't bother when you separate

Apeirogon · 04/08/2021 07:30

I can't believe he thinks that letting her watch TV is parenting her! He needs to talk to her or do something with her.

Original poster
iloveitalia · 04/08/2021 07:34

Thank you again for all your replies.

DH actually really loves our daughter and I know that she loves him too. He simply does not GET what his duty is as a parent.

Unfortunately my parents were neglectful and didn't meet our needs as children, so my ideas of what is fair/ reasonable as both a parent and spouse aren't good- hence me using Mumsnet to ask for your opinions.

What also makes our situation tricky is the fact that DH is a very affable, friendly man; people really like him as he's very easy, relaxed company. To go by his fb posts he loves and cherishes his family and he very much enjoys being seen as a hands on parent by other people.

OP posts: