Asking part time working mother's- how much does your full time working husband do for the family?

[iloveitalia]

I work 2.5 days a week as a Grammar school teacher and have been on summer holidays since the end of June. DH works full time and we have a 9 year old daughter. I took my daughter on a 10 day holiday on my own in July and also researched and booked all holiday camps for her since our return. I have done all breakfasts, drop offs and pick ups as I am off work, made all lunches and snacks and organised all play dates during both the week ( which is fair as I'm off work) and at weekends. I do 90 per cent of all weekend trips and days out on my own. DH is a cyclist and has been away on his own on 2 weekend cycling trips and has another one planned. He never plays with our daughter during week after work or at weekend- it's always left up to me. He claims tiredness and then spends all evening tinkering with his bike. If we are to do anything at all as a family it's always something I plan. If I suggest that he isn't pulling his weight he huffs and stonewalls me to the point I feel
like I'm being unreasonable- but inside I feel both sad, angry and disappointed. Would this level of engagement from your DH disappoint you? By the way my husband works hard at his job- but his hours are nice- from 9.30 - 5 and he doesn't do any extra hours. His commute is 15 mins max.

I work part time (22.2 hours a week over 3 days) and my DH works 6 day weeks during term time where he is out from approx 6am-6pm, although he cycles to and from work so some of that time is cycling. One day a week he doesnt get home till 10 as he has boarding house duty. During term time he does housework etc where possible, he tends to help with tea/clearing up when he gets in, then takes toddler until his bedtime at 8 ish, baths and gets him ready for bed. He gets long holidays and he ups his contribution then, he does almost all drop offs and pick ups allowing me to work long hours to build up flexi for term time where we are both more stretched for time. He also does house improvement projects and other random housework. We do days away but usually I am the organiser of this, although he is a keen participant usually! I tend to do pretty much all the admin associated with our toddler however he does most of the admin associated with the cars and house. He is a very keen cyclist too and does cycle a fair bit, most days for an hour or more, but outside of that he really pulls his weight and he also makes sure I get down time to cycle (I also cycle, just not as much) or do whatever I want to. So yes id be disappointed in your husbands contribution, the way we try to work is to make sure we both get fairly equal down time, rather than how much housework or work we do. if you arent getting downtime because you are doing all the housework etc, then he needs to do more until it balances out and you both get downtime.

He's in no way doing enough. I think if you're seriously considering separation it's worth one last showdown. Perhaps speak to a solicitor first and then sit down with him and tell him that you've spoken to a solicitor and you are prepared to move forward with a separation and he has two choices. He can either listen and take action, or do as he usually does and make your decision to separate that bit easier. Sometimes people need a serious shock to the system to really wake up and make changes. Whatever you do though, don't make false threats. Don't threaten separation if you're not actually prepared to do it.

If he isn't prepared to change, I'd say you'd be happier all round being on your own. I too would be worried my daughter would normalise his behaviour and grow up to put up with something similar in her own relationship/ marriage.

I worked part time after Ds1 was born but Dh and I shared the nursery runs, but right from day one just rolled his sleeves up and got stuck in with the day to day demands of being a parent. He didn't want to be like his Dad, typical 1970s never changed a nappy type Dad. My own upbringing wasn't the best so both of us made the commitment and effort to read a lot of parenting books before Ds1 was born.

I then became a SAHM due to my health and we had Ds2. Dh sometimes works a 60+ hour week, he still makes time to have dinner with us, talks to the children etc. He did a lot of one on one time so even if he was just going to the tip and children have to stay in the car he would still take one to talk to.

One thing I will say is that my friend felt her Dh didn't get involved as much as he could have with the baby but when she was repeating her conversation with him it was all "you never..." rather than it would be great if you could. She found that change in her language helped when talking to him about his lack of input as he couldn't handle criticism either.

If you want to try to salvage this I would set them up playing a game together, no ipad, a board game or card game. Don't ask him to do it, tell him that he and DD are going to spend X time together today/tonight and then leave them to it.

Also on the stonewalling front

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Relationships are supposed to half the shit and double the fun in your life. He sounds like a bad father and a dull husband. If you think there is a possibility of him improving then plan a good time to talk to him. Make sure your daughter is out and that you have given him a bit of warning. 'I see you have nothing planned on Thursday so I've arranged for DD to be out, we have to have a discussion about our futures.'

I work three days a week and DH works 5.
He does most of the holiday club and nursery runs (as my working days are his wfh days)

After work he tends to cook the dinner while I play with the DC a bit and start tidying up, then we alternate who does the baths and who finishes tidying up. He almost always does the kitchen while I bf the littlest to sleep.

At the weekends he is perfectly capable of taking them both out for the day by himself (18m and 5) - eg, last week when I felt awful after my covid jab and couldn't move from the sofa.

The 2 days I'm not working he does get a bit huffy if no laundry has been done but apart from that he knows that my days off are for looking after the DC not housework.

No one is perfect (DH frets about laundry, takes aaages to get out of the house, and panics anytime anyone is ill) but at the end of the it still feels like we are a team and helping each other).

I think he does GET it, he just doesn't want to do it and he knows you will step in.

He has made it loud and clear that his priority is him and doing things he wants to do such as his job and hobby.

He may love DD but he isn't a loving parent.

I have done various levels of part time since the DC were small and I'm now up to 4 days a week, but as a bare minimum DH does:

all the packed lunches (I do the school run)
Most of the laundry
Maybe 2/3rds of the cooking

He also frequently takes the DC out to the park to play or go on scooters/bikes, and is usually up for a game of cards or a board game - or playing computer games with them now they're bigger! We share the mental load for sorting out holidays. I've dealt with the childcare over the summer because I'm more engaged with it all, and I do a lot more of the uniform buying/school stuff because I'm there a lot more than he is. I'm also better at DIY and gardening than he is so I do more of that! Although he does do the lawn.

Honestly, I think you'd be better off single. At least then it would just be the two of you to think about. Your DH is not really stepping up at all in this.

Thanks again to all of you who took the time to post. I appreciate it very much.

I work roughly 30 hours a week, DH full time (12 hour days plus evening calls). Used to travel a lot but not at the moment. I do the "kidmin" - i.e. holiday clubs/ ECAs/ doctor appointments etc. and most of the house admin. I also mainly organise playdates, although DH does too if he knows the dad.

However, at weekends it's 50/50- possibly DH does a bit more in terms of ferrying and he is also is a RFU volunteer referee (both kids play). We both get time to do our own stuff which we largely achieve by tag- teaming although I try to get mine done in the week to give him a bit more slack at weekends as it's his only time off whereas my job is flexible.

He's always done nappies, baths, suncream and cleaning up vomit/ changing wet beds for both. He was admittedly a bit shit when they were babies (and to be fair they were both utter nightmare babies) but he then met a dad who was a DH of my friend who was v hands on and used to invite DH and 18mo DS to go to the park on Sundays and Dh emerged like a phoenix from the "incompetent dad" ashes. Now takes kids on rugby tour on his own and camping with other dads.

This kind of touches a nerve as my dad was like your DH. V distant and I don't remember ever going anywhere with just him other than driving to Uni. To be fair he had an emotionally sterile childhood himself but siblings and I literally had no relationship with him- he couldn't have named any of our friends. It's kind of sad. Even now we mainly talk about the stock market and when I call he literally says "I'll get your mother".

I'm interested to know if you think he'd be different if DD was DS. I suspect my father might have been.