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I just screamed at my baby

72 replies

DueyCheatemAndHow · 02/08/2021 18:55

I'm not coping. Life is totally on top of me and I can't see how it will ever get better.

I'm absolutely desparate

OP posts:
Babyiskickingmyribs · 02/08/2021 20:19

3 teenagers in the house for 10 days? You should shamelessly use them to keep the 3 year old amused. Depending on their age and how sensible and trustworthy they are you could get them to take the 3 year old to the park for an hour, or get them to play football in the garden for a while, or just ask them to play building blocks or teddy bear’s picnic or whatever your 3 year old likes within view/earshot.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 02/08/2021 20:21

Or make them cook for everyone.

DueyCheatemAndHow · 02/08/2021 20:36

@Babyiskickingmyribs part of the problem here really..the kids do nothing. My sister does everything for them!!

OP posts:
Babyiskickingmyribs · 02/08/2021 20:50

Have you tried directly asking them to do things? Not saying, ‘if you want to, you could make a lovely salad for lunch’ but more like ´right, I don’t have time to organize lunch this morning because baby is sick, so I need you to do it. Could you please make the salad, and there’s pasta and pesto in the cupboard to go with it. YouTube has videos to show you how if you need instructions’ Or ´I need to make a salad for our lunch, but Toddler wants to build towers, so I need your help. Your can either make the salad for us or play towers with Toddler while I do it’ If the teens really aren’t able to help, then your sister should be doing absolutely everything they could possibly need plus helping you out too. It’s ridiculous for everyone to expect you to deal with an ill/upset 10month old, a demanding toddler and play hostess for 4+ guests. It’s crap that you have to even ask, but if your only hinting or just telling them you’re exhausted but no one is getting the hint and participating then you should definitely drop all subtlety and start giving orders.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 02/08/2021 20:51

Argh, sorry for the terrible grammar, that last bit should say ´ it’s crap that you even have to ask, but if you’re only hinting…’

hellotello · 02/08/2021 20:52

Oh love , been there and it got better with higher doses or change of anti ds . Totally agree with blocking the family that aren't helping you ! Could sister and teenagers help give you a break take baby to park for you to sleep in day? Also best thing ever someone else said is the electric baby swing rocking chair things !!!! They fall asleep in them almost always even if they cry at start !!!! Try one ! I think those saved my life , don't be hard on yourself two kids under 5 your superwoman x

omgthepain · 02/08/2021 21:09

@DueyCheatemAndHow

Have you got an out of hours emergency health visitor on call number? I know there's a system here whereby you can ring a number out of hours and they're brilliant

Clareicles · 02/08/2021 21:12

Another one who has been there.
Am a single parent to one baby, so sort of easier as didn't have other family members to contend with too. If family isn't much use for support, try a friend. Mine have been invaluable. But getting the others to pull their weight must happen. Understand if that's a step too far right now though.

I didn't have PND but was still bloody hard work. As a PP said, taking the baby for a drive can work wonders. They seem to like the rocking motion of the car, and you can put your own music on (I did this rather loud to drown out the initial crying!) Or a podcast/radio show on the stereo, anything YOU like (so no stupid nursery rhyme CDs or anything). Get a bit of you back.
Pushchair for a walk with headphones in can also work if you don't drive/feel too stressed to do it/isn't pissing it down with rain!

This too will pass, I promise, but while you're in it, it feels bloody endless. Get back to the GP, get another one at the surgery as your initial one is bloody useless. Be kind to yourself.

DueyCheatemAndHow · 02/08/2021 21:57

My sister is doing loads but basically to cover up the fact the kids do nothing. I'm quite appalled.

We've been told today by FIL that he has disinherited DH. It doesn't matter, its only money, but it breaks my heart that he is being treated like this when he is so lovely. He will block him I think, he just needs to mentally be ready for that

OP posts:
Hercisback · 02/08/2021 22:03

Will the kids listen if you tell them to do stuff?

You have so much going on it's no surprise you broke slightly.

Speak to the HV re baby's allergies and diet. You may get some help with sleep too.

HebeMumsnet · 02/08/2021 22:17

Hello Duey,

We're so sorry to here you're having such a tough time at the moment. We hope you're feeling just a little better now.

We can see you've been getting lots of useful advice and support here but we thought we'd also add a link to our Mental health webguide in case any of the numbers or websites there might also be of help.

Flowers
daisydalrymple · 02/08/2021 22:28

DC3 is dairy intolerant. He’s now 6, and showing no signs of tolerating it anytime soon. So don’t stress if you’re being pressured to keep trying the milk ladder. I was told to give it a proper break for 6 months then try gradually again. I BF until he was 2.5, so I was dairy free that long too (weighed the least I’d ever been with no chocolate or fizz!) but ended up on 40mg of citalopram when I finally stopped BF, it had taken that much out of me. Four years later and I’m finally down to 10mg with a plan to be offf them in a few months.

Your serotonin levels are totally depleted and you will need a long time on a decent enough dose to top them up again. When you start feeling like yourself again, you need a minimum of six months more at that dose to keep topping your levels up and helping your body take over making enough for your needs again.

It takes so long to diagnose a dairy intolerance sometimes in babies, especially if BF, as the symptoms might not be as severe. I remember well the kicks and struggles he had in the night, screaming at me as if to say what’s wrong with me, FIX IT MUMMY!!! I used to feel so useless.

I’d say give yourself a break for now and pack your baby’s diet with as many of the dairy alternatives that you can. You can try the milk ladder again when you feel mentally / emotionally stronger, but for now you need to fix yourself. Tesco / Asda etc all have plenty of dairy free fromage frais / yogurt alternatives, flora original is DF, Elmlea do a great DF cream alternative for cooking etc.

Good luck, and it might not feel like it now, but it does get easier.

Hfjshdhs · 02/08/2021 22:34

Hi @DueyCheatemAndHow, were you posting under your Seahorse username previously? If not then ignore that! Just someone in a similar boat.

I have a ten month old and 3 year old. It is so so hard. They will never remember you shouting. We have all been there. I’ve felt so guilty all day because I can’t cope with my ten month old and have asked to go back to work early. Your thread has made me feel less alone. So thank you for that.

LittleBearPad · 02/08/2021 22:44

It sounds like you’re being completely reasonable to be thoroughly fed up and your posts show how much you love your children.

The teenagers can get off their bums and entertain the 3 year old. Worst case just send the 3 year old to talk at them and switch off the WiFi.

Alternatively send your sis and kids out for the day. At least then you have your house to yourself.

Big hug

FoxtrotSkarloey · 02/08/2021 22:49

You have so much in your plate. I can't add much to the wise words already given but you are in my thoughts. I have a baby and a just three year old and it's so hard. I think other people's advice is much better and more helpful, but the only way I manage is to compartmentalise. What can I influence and what is beyond my control? In your shoes I'd detach myself from concern for anyone but my DH and DC. Easier said than done, but your brain can only take so much. And then it's just getting through each day in chunks, usually meal to meal.

Queenie6655 · 02/08/2021 22:59

Sounds like you are doing amazing considering all of this !!!

Hugs and echoing all the great advice on here so far xxxxxxx

loopyapp · 02/08/2021 23:00

@DueyCheatemAndHow

OK baby now asleep so I can type a bit more fully!

Here is my situation...

  1. Baby is 10 months. Had possible cmpa. Breastfed. I am off dairy, soya and egg. Trialled it with some yoghurt, confirmed reaction but only after a week. Tried ladder with her, she was fine to start with but tonight she was sick in bed after a malted milk so I guess not. I can count on one hand the times she has slept longer than 3 hours.
  1. Toddler is 3. Does not stop talking. Is very happy but can also have endless meltdowns. Incapable of amusing himself.
  1. Mother has severe MH issues. Rarely phones without sobbing down the phone to me.
  1. In laws live in Scotland and are not interested.
  1. FIL (in laws are divorced) is an abusive alcoholic and DH is currently getting awful messages daily.
  1. DH is great. He really really is. He does everything he can, so often working til midnight cos he has helped me with the children in the day.

I just feel so useless and angry and exhausted.

Currently have my sister and her 3 teenagers staying with us.

Oh love please please please reach out to a local breastfeeding support group or similar if anything just to spend an hour or so in the company of others that truly get it and are living your experiences and can fully empathise.
  1. it seems you've confirmed the CMPA so that ia a relatively easy fix but one I don't envy.. Dairy is a hard one to cut out. Sleeping .. 3hrly at 10 months sounds pretty normal for a BF baby.. It is NOT what you wanna hear I know. But.. Once you accept that and move past it .. Stop obsessing over her sleep like it is some mountain you HAVE to climb to prove some abstract thing .. You will feel so much better. Proportionately she is tiny for the smallest section of her life and you'll regret wishing it away.

  2. toddlers. Man. They are an enigma. BEST bit of advice ever given me was get 3 decent sized boxes and fill them with unrelated and completely out there items that he normally wouldn't have access to (whilst being safe) and alternate his access to the boxes on rolling weeks. It will buy you at least 15 minutes of semi sanity a day

  3. turn your phone off for 1 hour a day (preferably when you give the toddler the box of tricks). You are not her Dr, you're her daughter and that does NOT come with obligation to wade through her drama daily.

  4. forget about them then. Don't waste energy and head space on people affording you none in return.

  5. block. 100% juat block.

  6. he sounds amazing.

  7. your sister. Wowsers. While shes there take your DH out to a beer garden for an hour and give time to appreciate each other's efforts. If your sister takes issue tell her she could always finish the rest of her stay elsewhere.

applesarethebest · 03/08/2021 02:04

It's so hard isn't it OP Sad ...and I only have one child!! There's some really good advice here already - but I just wanted to say that I feel the same at times. It's so hard to talk about and feels very lonely, I find.

When things are at their worst I literally fantasise about suicide or divorce (I love my DH so much but if we were divorced then at least I'd get a proper break)).

Thanks to an increase in citalopram (20 mg up to 30 mg) and some practical changes suggested by my HV, I am so much better in a matter of weeks. Please ask your GP if these things could be an option for you Flowers your family need you and you are enough x

DueyCheatemAndHow · 03/08/2021 15:27

Thanks so much for the support and advice. Blocking is definitely the way forward with the relatives, FIL is now threatening to drive down and 'bash our front door in' - he is quite the peach- DH is being his usual calm and fabulous self and says if that happens we just call the police.

DD gas decided to only have 2 half hour naps today so is now having a sleep on me. We went for a walk today and someone stopped me to tell me that she is the most beautiful baby they have ever seen. Lady was probably nuts but I don't mind, I was grateful for the positivity!

Thank you all for your comments and support, DH read through it all too.

@Hfjshdhs yes same person, mortified that my whining is that recognisable. I got a new phone and it created an MN account automatically using a different email address so I didn't mean to change names but apparently have!

OP posts:
Hfjshdhs · 03/08/2021 15:32

No not that recognisable! We just have the same aged kids and I tend to be feeling the same feelings that you are.

Mannilea · 03/08/2021 16:01

Can't really help much with how your feeling etc and haven't read every reply so you may have been told this/ be aware of this already but in regards to the dairy problem I would have thought it would be pretty hard to do the milk ladder while breastfeeding due to the fact it will not instantly go to baby, don't feel pressured to do this if you know that baby sleeps better when they don't have dairy then stay dairy free.
My daughter weren't breastfeed so obv this was easier for me as I wasn't the one avoiding the dairy (not sure I could have survived the long nights without chocolate ).

My daughter went dairy free at 11 months and went from screaming the entire night to sleeping through and I don't think I even attempted dairy until 18 months and even now at 3 she can't have milk yoghurt ice cream.
It's a long process and not one I would be rushing until you have got it completely under control for a little while and you are feeling better within yourself

LJenn · 03/08/2021 16:06

When my first son was born, he had silent reflux. He screamed for hours and hours every day. By the time my husband got home he'd have calmed down. It was frustrating as hell!!! Nobody seemed to believe he was a difficult baby.

One day I almost broke... I put him in his cot where he was safe and walked downstairs, put the kettle on, put in earphones and turned on music on a low volume.. just to where I could still hear him (also I had the monitor on so I could see him too). It just gave me a few critical mins to myself to calm down. I'm sorry you feel like that, it will get easier but DON'T ever be ashamed to admit when you're having a bad day and you need help xxx

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