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Original poster

There are a few things that are bothering me about DS and his GF

44 replies

Intherightplace · 02/08/2021 18:35

He's 20 and she's 17. They've been seeing each other for about 3 months and things seem to have got very serious very quickly. They see each other every day.

DS spends a lot of time at her house, including over night stays. I've only met her very briefly once when they popped in to say hello (literally) and once at the funeral.

DS never seems to know what their plans are until he gets a call and then has to leave almost instantly.

I think he's been taking sickies from work to be with her while her parents are out at work.

She's supposed to be on holiday with her parents this week, but he got a call yesterday to say she hated it and he should go and collect her and they'd spend the rest of the week in the empty house. Presumably her parents are aware of this arrangement, they definitely knew he collected her.

She loves shopping as a leisure activity. DS has never bothered with "stuff" until recently, but now the bags are constant. She doesn't work so I can only assume he's paying for most of it.

I know, young love is a wonderful, all consuming thing and it is good to see him happy and enjoying life, but I'm concerned she seems to have all the power here.

I also think it's a bit odd that her parents seem to be happy with all this.

He hasn't had more than the occasional date before though (obviously no social life at all for a year prior to meeting her) so I'm aware I have no knowledge of "normal".

I also know there's nothing I can do, so I guess I'm just off loading, but does it seem off to you?

OP posts:
Original poster
Intherightplace · 02/08/2021 18:37

Sorry, "the funeral" we had a family bereavment a few weeks into their relationship.

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 02/08/2021 19:00

Seems fairly normal to me. I remember my brother coming in as a teenager with trainers etc he had bought for his first girlfriend.

The skipping work and spending money thing is a little worrying, but I guess all you can do is talk to him and make him realise the importance of being sensible (and make sure you aren’t funding him if he loses his job).

Could you maybe invite her for dinner or survey going out somewhere to get to know her a little better?

Does your son have many friends?

miltonj · 02/08/2021 19:01

I think it sounds like a fairly typical relationship between two young people. Leave them to it, but make sure your son knows you'll always listen to him if he needs to talk (but don't say this specifically in relation to his relationship).

Original poster
Intherightplace · 02/08/2021 19:26

He does have friends and I've warned him not to neglect them. He says he's still seeing them with her.

Yes, I've invited them to dinner this week.

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 02/08/2021 19:28

@Intherightplace

He does have friends and I've warned him not to neglect them. He says he's still seeing them with her.

Yes, I've invited them to dinner this week.

It’s good he has friends. It’ll be easier for them to tell him he’s being taken for a ride (if that’s the case) than for you to tell him.

Hopefully you can get to know her a little more and it’ll reassure you.

I only have younger kids. It must be weird getting to the stage where they have love interests for the first time.

MarshmallowSwede · 02/08/2021 19:35

Birth control is being discussed and used? They are very young and no accidents should happen. Especially if they are having sleep overs

Panickingpavlova · 02/08/2021 19:37

By 20 he could be already married with several children.
If he's not sensible by now what can you do?
It's too late I'm afraid, it's his life now and his mistakes to make.

So what if he's paying for stuff, many young girls like shopping as a leisure activity.
Maybe he's head over heels and wants to spoil her.

MouseholeCat · 02/08/2021 19:37

This sounds nothing like my relationships as a young person. Especially not all the shopping, skipping work and demanding to be picked up. I know girls who were like this though at 17 and their relationships rarely lasted all that long.

As he's 20, I'm not really sure there's a whole lot you can do as he's old enough to handle these situations. Once the rose-tinted glasses fade hopefully he'll see that this isn't an even dynamic if he is indeed making all those purchases for her.

Pastrydame · 02/08/2021 19:40

It would bother me, I can't think as a young woman that bfs spent money on me, other than gifts for special occasions and the odd bunch of flowers - doesn't she have any self respect? Seeing someone every day isn't ideal imho. If you needed him to do something with you, would he skip a day? I wonder why he is at her house far more often than at yours. When they come for dinner I would be as friendly as possible OP to encourage return visits!

Panickingpavlova · 02/08/2021 19:40

Also pm confused by the empty house comment, what significance does this have and why shouldn't her parents be OK with this?

Panickingpavlova · 02/08/2021 19:42

Sorry one more niggle how comes your seeing these constant bags?

MorriseysGladioli · 02/08/2021 19:44

I wouldn't feel comfortable with it.
It doesn't sound healthy to me.

Pastrydame · 02/08/2021 19:46

They're playing house while her parents are away. She's very young for this intensity, and three months is nothing. Is she still at school?

Wishes2020 · 02/08/2021 19:52

She sounds like a manipulative gold digger.

ObviousNameChage · 02/08/2021 19:55

@Wishes2020

She sounds like a manipulative gold digger.
She's the one that legally is not even an adult yet. Unless OP's DS has social,emotional or mental health needs , considering he's 20 and the adult in the relationship he's not really a victim is he?
DerbyshireMama · 02/08/2021 19:56

@Wishes2020

She sounds like a manipulative gold digger.
Get a grip. This isn't some middle aged soap character, you're talking about a child.
starbrightstarlight8888 · 02/08/2021 20:00

Does he ever see his friends without her?

Wishes2020 · 02/08/2021 20:03

She's the one that legally is not even an adult yet. Unless OP's DS has social,emotional or mental health needs , considering he's 20 and the adult in the relationship he's not really a victim is he?

It’s odd that a man being in a relationship with a child seem to bother you less than an anonymous comment made by a stranger online.

MushMonster · 02/08/2021 20:05

The skipping work is very worrying. Have a chat with him. He needs to get his priorities straight! That is not on, not responsible at all.
I would not let my 17 year old daughter stay with her boyfriend in an empty house, but that is me. I would be worried about birth control.
All other things sound normal to me. I would not be worried about her manipulating him in any way. Just about them being too young, and getting too entangled too quickly.
Good that you are getting to know her better soon. I hope you find something in common.

user16395699 · 02/08/2021 20:18

It is not appropriate for an adult to be in an intimate partner relationship with a child. Even when he turns 18 it will still be an inappropriate relationship because it commenced when he was a child.

Targeting a child for a sexual relationship doesn't become appropriate or legitimate if you hang around long enough for them to have a birthday. It's just grooming.

There is a big difference in life experience between a 20 yo and a 17 yo, and that creates a significant power imbalance which is toxic in a relationship. That power imbalance is still significant between a 21 yo and 18 yo, even more so if the relationship commenced when one was still a child.

Not much you can do except give him a reality check about workplace behaviour and responsibilities (that behaviour is not acceptable either but he may have to learn the hard way by fucking it up), and provide support on understanding the dynamics of healthy relationships so that he is equipped to eventually recognise this for the toxic mess it is.

user16395699 · 02/08/2021 20:22

Shit. I read that twice to make sure I was getting it the right way around and still didn't.

Right, so your son is the adult grooming a child. In which case everything I said about it being inappropriate and grooming still stands - the difference being that you can and should do more because he's the abusive one and there is a child who needs to be protected from him.

I wouldn't have any adult relative under my roof who thought it acceptable to target a child for a sexual relationship.

ScarlettDarling · 02/08/2021 20:26

@user16395699

Shit. I read that twice to make sure I was getting it the right way around and still didn't.

Right, so your son is the adult grooming a child. In which case everything I said about it being inappropriate and grooming still stands - the difference being that you can and should do more because he's the abusive one and there is a child who needs to be protected from him.

I wouldn't have any adult relative under my roof who thought it acceptable to target a child for a sexual relationship.

I think talk of grooming in this situation is a huge overreaction. The girl is over the age of consent and in a relationship with a young man only three years older. If I was the op I’d be hugely offended to have my son accused of grooming Confused
Wouldyoudothesame · 02/08/2021 20:28

Sounds like a pretty typical head over heels relationship for young people. I remember that feeling of wanting to spend every single day together. Being alone in the other parents' house is probably so they can do the naughties and not be overheard. If he wants to spend his money on her that's up to him. It may or may not work out. From my experience probably not but these highly intense relationships we have as young adults are a huge learning curve so I say leave them to it. But do a quick check that they are using contraption obviously x

girlmom21 · 02/08/2021 20:33

Three months into their first 'serious' relationship? This is exactly how they should be.

Hopefully he isn't skipping work. Have you asked him or are you making assumptions?

Other than that, of course they want to spend all of their time together.

I can't believe people are asking whether the conversations about contraception are happening - he's 20 years old Hmm

TabithaTiger · 02/08/2021 20:59

Some of these posts are unreal! A 20 year old dating a 17 year old is a perfectly normal age gap. A 17 year old is not a child.

OP it sounds like your son is smitten and nothing that you've said makes me feel concerned. As a Mum it's natural to feel protective of your DS, I feel the same about my two (22 and 20). I would focus on getting to know her and making her feel welcome in your home. I think it's good to encourage your son to spend time with his friends, but ultimately it's up to him. I think most of us will remember being young and head over heels with someone and wanting to spend our time with them!

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