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Original poster

There are a few things that are bothering me about DS and his GF

44 replies

Intherightplace · 02/08/2021 18:35

He's 20 and she's 17. They've been seeing each other for about 3 months and things seem to have got very serious very quickly. They see each other every day.

DS spends a lot of time at her house, including over night stays. I've only met her very briefly once when they popped in to say hello (literally) and once at the funeral.

DS never seems to know what their plans are until he gets a call and then has to leave almost instantly.

I think he's been taking sickies from work to be with her while her parents are out at work.

She's supposed to be on holiday with her parents this week, but he got a call yesterday to say she hated it and he should go and collect her and they'd spend the rest of the week in the empty house. Presumably her parents are aware of this arrangement, they definitely knew he collected her.

She loves shopping as a leisure activity. DS has never bothered with "stuff" until recently, but now the bags are constant. She doesn't work so I can only assume he's paying for most of it.

I know, young love is a wonderful, all consuming thing and it is good to see him happy and enjoying life, but I'm concerned she seems to have all the power here.

I also think it's a bit odd that her parents seem to be happy with all this.

He hasn't had more than the occasional date before though (obviously no social life at all for a year prior to meeting her) so I'm aware I have no knowledge of "normal".

I also know there's nothing I can do, so I guess I'm just off loading, but does it seem off to you?

OP posts:

Original poster

Intherightplace · 02/08/2021 21:34

The age gap does bother me, I'd be happier if she was 18, but as her parents seem to be positively facilitating this, it doesn't seem like they're concerned and frankly.if they're not worried, I'm not sure it's my place to be. I agree though that I wouldn't be engineering an empty house situation for my 17yo and her 20yo boyfriend.

I see the bags because he's buying a lot of stuff for himself too. Has suddenly got into designer clothes, when he's had no interest before, but I guess that's part of dating too.

I asked him if he was being careful about contraception and got a look and a huff, which I take to mean it was a stupid question.

OP posts:

Pastrydame · 02/08/2021 21:43

I would buy condoms and leave them in his room, just in case he's spent all his money on clothes.

Panickingpavlova · 02/08/2021 22:11

So he's spending money on himself... He's taking an interest in how he looks?

Where are young people over the age of consent supposed to go to have some space to spend time together?

Are you saying they shouldn't be having sex?
I also can't understand what's wrong with wanting to spend as much time together as possible?
Isn't this what most madly in love people do then as that slightly eases things open up and become more balanced?

Panickingpavlova · 02/08/2021 22:13

Honest question, would you allow them any alone time in your house op?

And if you would what's the difference between that and her parents house?
And if you would not then where would you expect them to be intimate?

Pastrydame · 02/08/2021 22:18

At 17 I saw my boyfriend in school at lunch and on a Friday night. Saturday night too if lucky. Saturday day time was spent with friends and I think Sunday I'd to do studying to make up for all the time spent daydreaming about him! We weren't having sex. I think some people are excessively bigging-up the young love stuff.

Original poster

Intherightplace · 02/08/2021 22:18

I would let my 20yo. I'm not sure if I would my 17yo, but I've never been faced with that.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 03/08/2021 06:35

@Pastrydame

I think your experiences are different to a lot of others. Many of us were working full time jobs at 17. That's worlds away from a teenager who sees their boyfriend mostly at school.

Bluntness100 · 03/08/2021 06:43

These comments are awful, grooming a child, inappropriate, child who needs protection?

She’s over thr age of consent, which is sixteen. There is nothing wrong with a seventeen year old and a twenty year old,

MrsJBaptiste · 03/08/2021 07:30

@Pastrydame

This was a lot of my experience too. I saw boyfriends a couple of nights a week and my friends at the weekends (I never let my friends go due to having a boyfriend)

I think some girls are a lot more high maintenance these days - I know that makes me sound old (I'm really not!) but demanding to be picked up/dropped off? WTF?

HighlandCowbag · 03/08/2021 07:36

My dd is 17. 20 seems very old for a boyfriend to me, I absolutely wouldn't be allowing sleepovers. Why is he with a 17 year old and not someone in his age group. There is only 3 years between them granted, but at 20 I had my own house, a job and car.

At 17 I was living at home, at college, riding my pony and working part time. It's a massive difference.

Clawdy · 03/08/2021 08:08

Why are people describing her as a child and under age? One of my sisters was married at sixteen, and the other at seventeen. Perfectly legal, as I remember........

Pastrydame · 03/08/2021 09:05

I think your experiences are different to a lot of others. Many of us were working full time jobs at 17. That's worlds away from a teenager who sees their boyfriend mostly at school.
This is entirely true. The OP's son's gf doesn't work though according to the OP, so she's either in education or unemployed.

Original poster

Intherightplace · 03/08/2021 09:10

The GF is at college doing a vocational thing. She has worked PT, but recently resigned due to unfair treatment. TBF they do sound like awful employers, but that's another thing causing me concern. She's on holiday from college and is always free and expecting DS to be around for her when he needs to work. Apparently her parents supported her resigning and having this summer off but have told her she needs a job before she goes back to college.

OP posts:

Pastrydame · 03/08/2021 09:38

If she wants someone who can be around all the time, she'd be better off with another 17 year old at school/college!
I really hope your ds won't lose his job, but if he hasn't any money I wonder how long she would stay? Are you sure he is buying her clothes etc as you're only seeing his own shopping bags? I really couldn't have let a boyfriend buy me lots of things I'd more pride than that.

Original poster

Intherightplace · 03/08/2021 09:54

No I'm not sure he's buying the stuff. He says her parents give her lots of cash and she's buying him as much as he buys. He says she fights with him to be allowed to pay, which initially endeared her to me. But that's odd in itself because her Dad lost his job at the start of lockdown....

DH has form for "white lies" when he knows I won't like the truth, even if there's no actual harm in the truth.

OP posts:

Original poster

Intherightplace · 03/08/2021 09:54

Sorry, DS has form...

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 03/08/2021 10:04

He’s twenty. If he’s skipping work regularly then it will come back to bite him when he gets the sack, but if he doesn’t realise that by now then you’ll just need to leave him to make that mistake.

His girlfriend will be immature, she’s 17. And it’s not that surprising she doesn’t have a job, I imagine she’s still in education. At the end of the day this relationship will likely fizzle out without your interference.

Bluntness100 · 03/08/2021 10:49

You’re really over involved and jumping to conclusions on your son and his girlfriend.. I think you need to butt out before you damage your relationship.

There’s nothing wrong with seventeen and twenty it’s a totally normal ans appropriate age gap.

VeganVeal · 03/08/2021 11:12

A man has a brain (?) and a cock and only enough blood to run one or the other! I think we can guess which one is winning at the moment!

Let him make his own decisions, some day you'll need to cut the apron strings

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