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Original poster

Feel so down dh died 4 weeks ago this week

74 replies

blackheartsgirl · 01/08/2021 09:42

I know its inevitable but feeling it terribly today. Kid free day today, we'd have been up the coast driving, walking or going out for the day, last night we'd have cooked tea for ourselves and gone for a pint in a pub.

Now everythings pointless, I'm alone, laying in bed, I'm lost and heartbroken. Friends are busy with families, my own mother is useless and I have no other family.

I miss him so so much. Even the little things like being made a cuppa in the mornings. Noone makes me one now.

OP posts:

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 01/08/2021 17:46

Thanks middleagedlurker

I don't think WAY is going to be for me somehow. I'm only 44 and I know I'm in thier age demographic but I'm having no response from thier Facebook group and no replies on the forums so it's not doing my confidence any good.

I do feel robbed, everything reminds me of him

OP posts:

Candleabra · 01/08/2021 18:17

You're being a good mum. Beans on toast is fine. You're up and about. Don't be hard on yourself. I'm truly sorry you don't have more practical support.

I would write WAY off. I'm really surprised you haven't heard anything yet, sometimes the admin is on holiday so there's a pause in picking up the requests. I found it helpful just to read the posts, people in a similar situation (and unfortunately there are many of us). You feel so alone and outcast in your own circle; an anomaly, an oddity. It helps to feel part of something, even if it's the last club you want to join. Do keep posting here if it helps.

Words · 01/08/2021 19:07

I am so sorry OP.

It must feel as if doors are slamming in your face - the tragic loss of your husband, that absolutely callous comment your mother made ( I am so sorry you had to hear it and feel outraged on your behalf) - and now, not being able to access the support you need from WAY - it isn't surprising you have hit a brick wall and are sliding down it, really it isn't.

Take comfort on this thread from the kind hearted empathy strangers on the internet are extending to you. It is real, you know, even though we're invisible.

Hugoslavia · 01/08/2021 19:24

It's such early days still. It's going to take a long time, unfortunately. I think that I read that the average grieving/processing time is around four years. Obviously it's not a linear journey with many ups and downs. I think that at this stage you need to take it an hour at a time. Can you schedule a weekly timetable? Can you identify the loneliest moments? Do you have a TV in your bedroom? Could you switch it on as soon as you wake up? Perhaps get a teasmaid next to the bed? Can you arrange things to do on weekends with friends? Have you got a cat or a dog and if not, could you consider getting one? I nearly lost my husband to Sepsis several years ago and I cannot imagine how I would have managed without him, so you have my real and heartfelt sympathy.

Candleabra · 01/08/2021 19:32

I'm really sorry, just spotted a huge error in my post above.
I meant to write I wouldn't write WAY off

They were really supportive in the early days.

LibertyFLiberty · 01/08/2021 19:45

Im so sorry for your loss @blackheartsgirl You were both so lucky to be in each others lives. He sounded like a true gentleman. ❤ I know it doesn't seem like it right now but you will laugh and smile again and with him in mind. He will always be with you. ❤ xx

WaterBottle123 · 01/08/2021 20:10

So sorry OP

I was widowed at 33, am now 40. I promise it gets better. And WAY is a fantastic support, do preserve. I have friends from there I chat with weekly even though all are re-married (we were all widowed very young).

Breath through each day and keep living until you want to live again.

KarenofSparta · 01/08/2021 20:45

Just checking in with you again OP to say beans on toast is very underrated :)- beans are one of their 5 a day after all.

You're doing brilliantly x

Queenie6655 · 01/08/2021 20:54

Sending lots of love your way

The pain must be awful 😢

Itstheprinciple · 01/08/2021 20:57

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.
Can your 18 yo step up a bit? I'm sure they are grieving too but possibly could put together a few simple meals and take some pressure off?

EwwSprouts · 01/08/2021 21:35

Beans on toast is fine.

What about cooking MrM's favourite dinner tomorrow night? Sobbing as you stir is expected. Could help the children talk about him and his likes/personality in a comforting way?

user1471538283 · 01/08/2021 21:49

Grieving is not a competition whatever your DM says. You've lost your present and future with him. You grieve as long as you need to and it's only been weeks.

I'm not sure you ever recover from loss. I loss a dear friend when we were young women and I think about her all the time.

Be kind to yourself.

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 01/08/2021 22:52

Thank you all very much.
My sister in law came round tonight and we had a good chat and a cry which was nice.

I do have a TV in my room so I have been putting that on for some back ground noise. And my dog does get me up and about

OP posts:

Belledan1 · 01/08/2021 23:06

I am so sorry x

Wineat5isfine · 01/08/2021 23:18

So very sorry for your loss and everything that you are going through.

I can’t even begin to imagine just how awful this is for you 💐

PurpleMustang · 01/08/2021 23:23

Please don't be so hard on yourself. I am sure your kids understand that you need time to get through this immediate phase. They know you are there and care about them but you just hurt a lot right now. Make sure you do keep reaching out for help. Maybe re-request your WAY request or send them a message. Ignore people like your Mum, it is all so she can proclaim (to anyone that will listen) she is helping when in fact she is hurting you. Wish I was near you to just help a little.

MountainDweller · 01/08/2021 23:45

I am so sorry. It is really early days - and you're right, that time when the funeral is over and people drift away. Don't be afraid to contact friends, they might feel they should be giving you space.

I remember your other threads - they were so moving. You will be in shock too from the suddenness of it all. (My Dad died very suddenly from cancer - before the results of the biopsy came back. I know it's not the same at all for me but my mum and stepmum were reeling from the mad dashes back and forth from the hospital and the suddenness of his decline.). Take care of yourself

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 02/08/2021 09:11

Yes I think I'm still in shock.

Especially that last terrible week and even my.marriage although beautiful and.moving I still feel heartbreak we had to do it this way, we never had the chance for a honeymoon or get married in the church we wanted and then spend our week in hospital together watching him decline rapidly.

My brain is like a fog. I cant see a way out of it at the moment

OP posts:

Candleabra · 02/08/2021 09:31

Of course you're in shock. It's just awful.
It will take a long time to process everything and your brain can't cope with it all at once. So it just sort of shuts down and gradually you can think more.
Brain fog - yes, totally normal. I remember feeling completely disconnected, almost like I was looking in at my life from the outside.
It's all normal, everything you're feeling.
I know that doesn't help you to feel better, but you're not alone.
Just take it one day at a time x

Candleabra · 02/08/2021 09:31

I'm glad your sister in law came round to see you.

Words · 02/08/2021 18:25

I'm glad your sister in law came round too, OP.

Sewaccidentprone · 03/08/2021 17:47

Thinking of you today

KarenofSparta · 03/08/2021 21:01

Just checking in, my thoughts are with you OPx

notapizzaeater · 03/08/2021 21:20

Hope you're doing ok, I lost my DH in jan this year and honestly it does get better. Don't be in a rush to do things, my DH shoes are still in the hall, his hats in the room. Slowly I'm doing things but do it at your pace. If you want to chat pls just message me.

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