Feel so down dh died 4 weeks ago this week

[blackheartsgirl]

I know its inevitable but feeling it terribly today. Kid free day today, we'd have been up the coast driving, walking or going out for the day, last night we'd have cooked tea for ourselves and gone for a pint in a pub.

Now everythings pointless, I'm alone, laying in bed, I'm lost and heartbroken. Friends are busy with families, my own mother is useless and I have no other family.

I miss him so so much. Even the little things like being made a cuppa in the mornings. Noone makes me one now.

I am so sorry @blackheartsgirl

I would avoid your mum if she is coming out with things like that. And of course it is right that you are grieving and you shouldn't have to hide it

Oh your silly mum. You have the right to grieve however you damn well want, for however long you want, and as hard as you want.

When you love someone so fiercely you could be with them months or decades and it'll hurt all the same.

I think putting a bit of distance between you and your mum might be wise for a while. Those kinds of comments from her aren't welcome right now.

I know it's hard right now, but you're a strong person. You'll never forget the pain, but in time you'll find your feet again. It just seems like an age away right now, and that's normal.

My condolences OP. Please do whatever you need to, to feel better.

People try to minimise your grief and say the shit platitudes because it makes them feel better, not you, and it's shit, and unhelpful.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, you are still in the very very early stages of loss,dont be chivvied or rushed along for the convenience of others.

Would you like to talk about your lovely dh?

@blackheartsgirl

I moved his shoes..3 pairs from the shoe rack by the front door yesterday. I felt awful but they were upsetting me so much

Felt like I was tidying him away.

My mum..oh you'll be alright in a couple of weeks, you were only with him for 3 years I was with your dad 30 years..I'm surprised you are still down.

Which made me question do I have a right to grieve so hard?

So I'm trying to hide how I feel to everyone.
Not good is it.

Christ alive, your mum was at the back of the sensitivity queue. She's so very wrong but you know that. It's been 4 weeks, be kind to yourself.

I am so sorry for your loss.
I have been through the same, until you have experienced it words are insufficient. All you can do is "keep on going", one step at a time, one day at a time, that was my mantra, whether l felt like it or not. Just do what you need to do and forget about the rest.
I read up on almost every book ever written on grief, as l felt very scared and alone and exhausted, like l was losing my mind. Self care is critical.
I am much further on now and when l look back l am absolutley amazed regarding the capacity we have to endure suffering, push through it and slowly start to rebuild the foundations for an unexpected but none the less beautiful way of life.

I hope you have much support and don't expect too much of yourself for a good while yet, your whole world has turned upside down and inside out, it is a time of massive adjustment mentally, physically and emotionally.

I've just made tea and toast so it's got me out of bed. Just let the dog out too (dd1 let her out earlier before she left early this morning)

Me and dh were inseperable for those 3 years (I've known him for longer) and she has always been jealous of us both (she has a shitty relationship with her partner if 6 years). She is horrible anyway. Wanted me to facetime her last night so she can show me round her holiday caravan and what a nice time she's having. I didn't.

With way. I don't know. I put my married name in the joining box on Facebook but I missed out my middle name.so they might not be able to verify me

My.meighbour just knocked on the door and asked me to move dhs car from his parking spot so he can clip it all back. Hasn't been driven for 2 months and omg it smells of dh and I'm in bits

Dh was lovely, helpful, passionate, respectful, loved life and the love of my life.

We had our ups and downs sometimes like everyone but we always got through it.

I dreamt about him last night and he was with me and well and then I woke up and it was like was like sledgehammer to my chest

I'm just at your mums comment. Your grief shows just how much you loved him, she's insensitive and 4 weeks is so recent so ignore anything she says

Sorry for your loss op, take care of yourself

So so sorry for your loss. Sending you lots of love and hugs xxxxx

Bloody hell. You're surrounded by completely insensitive people right now, you're doing so well considering. You've also got all of us behind you, seems impossible to you now but you will get through it, promise.

Your mum is an arse.

Length of time is irrelevant. You’ve grieving for what you have lost, but also for your future.

When my exh died we’d been separated approx 2 years. He was an abusive arse, and I grew to hate him. But I still cried every day for months. For what we’d once had, and for ds1’s future.

I had counseling with Cruise after a few weeks, which I found really helpful.

But everyone is different and you need to do what you believe is best for you at that time.

4 month waiting list for cruse.

God I just wish he was here with me right now.
I really do have no support noone to really turn to.

I just want to end it all

You know that’s not the answer.

The pain you’re in now will just be felt by others who care for you.

It probably feels as though you’ve lost part of you. Because you have.

Nothing can make it better atm. You have to just let yourself feel and give it time. Easy to say, but so so hard to do.

After my dm died I found solace is nature, and walking up mountains etc and just sitting watching the weather. And feeling small, but part of something bigger - iyswim.

Maybe try to do something which distracts you?

And remember to eat and drink.

Your mother is an utter disgrace , hugs flowers 💐. My heart goes out to you. You grieve in your way,

It is to lose a loved one but you can still hold n to the love. Know you were his as much as he was yours and cherish that. Have a good cry over photos of happy times together.

You don't really want to pass all this pain on to your child. Take each day at a time and know that some will feel really rough and that's part of grieving.

Aww can imagine it's hard but also yours and his kids must be devastated how can your mum not see this. What happened with him been so young xx

Please ring the Samaritans if you’re feeling as though you want to end it all @blackheartsgirl.

Take it a day at a time. A minute at a time if it's too much.
The urge to end things is more from wanting the pain to go away. Try and distract, eat, sleep, do whatever. There is solace in nature, just watching life exist can be healing. But only time will help, just get through the days at the moment. It's early days. Do you have anyone around you supporting you?
I found the Samaritans were helpful. Just someone to say I understand.

Their is no time or scale to grief, you have to do things at your own pace, you don't have to be strong and you don't have to take things a day at a time, what you have to do is listen to your body and mind and sod everyone else.
When my friends children died (house fire) he was so consumed by it all and what helped him was scrapbooking as each day he made a page for his boys and it helped him, I'm not saying the same would help you, I honestly can't imagine the pain as I have almost lost DH twice first he had cancer then more recently a head injury after a nasty fall and like you he is my soul mate.
Sending you huge unmusnetty hugs.

He had cancer. Only 50. From diagnosis to death 3 weeks (although had been unwell 3 months)

We.married very quickly in hospital and he passed 8 days later.

Everythings a reminder, even mountain walking, that was our hobby.

I know its not the answer but I really am so so low.

I have no support around me at the moment. My children are here but are not doing so well either. It does feel now the funerals out the way people don't want to know.

@blackheartsgirl

I moved his shoes..3 pairs from the shoe rack by the front door yesterday. I felt awful but they were upsetting me so much

Felt like I was tidying him away.

My mum..oh you'll be alright in a couple of weeks, you were only with him for 3 years I was with your dad 30 years..I'm surprised you are still down.

Which made me question do I have a right to grieve so hard?

So I'm trying to hide how I feel to everyone.
Not good is it.

How on earth can you remain civil to your mum??? That comment is awful. I was with my late husband 30 years he died 10 years ago. I'm about to marry a man I've only known 3 years and to lose him would devastate me. The length of time means nothing.

Grief is horrendous.

My saying was "little steps" to get through and my advice is you will get through this. It won't go away but you will "learn to live beside it"

But just now it's raw and horrible and painful and you really feel your heart is breaking.

Hugs all round.

Thanks musical.
I really don't know how I'm civil to my mum either, this is the woman who called my friend a fucking bitch because she was cuddling me at the wake and I was crying

I just want my mum to come and take the pressure off us, cook us a dinner or sit with us but she will never ever do that.

I cant even get out of bed to cook tea today, my 18 year old and my 11 year old will just have beans on toast again, I'm a shit parent to them anyway at the moment