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Original poster

Just stopped ds camping out all night

95 replies

ZenNudist · 01/08/2021 01:06

Not AIBU because I feel justified but guilty. Also not really looking to get slagged off.

Ds (nearly 11 going into year 6) begged at 8.30 to sleep in neighbours garden in a tent. Ndn dc are years 8 and 9 nearly, so preteen and young teen. They are little. Ds is as big/ bigger despite being 10.

It was last minute. I was on the phone and said ask your dad. Dh agreed it with NDN who is currently sitting up in their shed waiting for them to go to sleep. I was going to bed after midnight could hear them still up talking and made the mistake of googling camping abduction stories. There's one really awful case which was enough to freak me out.

We are in a city and there have been thefts from gardens. So it's not that safe. Still, it seems unlikely that someone looking to break in or rob a bike from a shed would turn their hand to kidnap.

I was freaked out by what if. I would never go to bed without locking my door so it didn't make sense to leave my child out there unsecured!

So I demanded he come back in and put him to bed behind lock doors! I feel a bit guilty because he was disappointed and missing out.

I think the older boys will be perfectly safe and they're not mine.

Told ds he could go out again first thing and do camping breakfast but he might oversleep as he's been up late.

I feel bad! But he's in bed asleep already so feel like it's a justified action. He's safe.

Wondering if this is OTT. It's done now.

OP posts:
OldScrappyAndHungry · 01/08/2021 07:53

Gay men don’t attack you g children - paedophiles do! FFS how is this homophobic bullshit still a thing in 2021 Angry.

MoonlightWanderer · 01/08/2021 07:59

I think a child is statistically way more likely to die in their bed than in a tent in a back garden. It was totally irrational to go and get him.

Mumdiva99 · 01/08/2021 07:59

Because one child was once snatched you won't let your child camp? Ridiculous.

We don't stay in forever to stop all risks. He was with 2 other kids. He'll be fine.

Bakewellisntjustacake · 01/08/2021 08:03

Poor kid.

Starfleck · 01/08/2021 08:04

It would have been better to say no beforehand, how embarrassing for him.

EssentialHummus · 01/08/2021 08:04

Bit OTT imo, sorry OP. You could have had one of the parents keep watch if you wanted, or slept out with them, but calling him back in seems like overkill. And surely it's clear that there are more petty criminals in this world looking to steal bicycles than abduct 10+ year old boys? And how on earth would a random non-enclosed campsite with potentially hundreds of strangers be safer?

EssentialHummus · 01/08/2021 08:05

As others have said I expect he (and all of us) are statistically more likely to die on trains, in cars, in aeroplanes, walking to the shops, playing golf... most things really.

Youarestillintherunning · 01/08/2021 08:09

YANBU to be concerned about it, or say no. YABU to say yes, and then go back on your word.

Twoforthree · 01/08/2021 08:10

I’ve changed bedrooms in the past so that I’m at the back and I slept with the window wide open so that I could hear in an emergency.

I thought that was a half way house compromise.

CandyLeBonBon · 01/08/2021 08:17

I think you've been utterly ridiculous frankly.

CandyLeBonBon · 01/08/2021 08:19

@davidsong

You undermined your husband's and went back on your own word because you were scared, irrationally, after working yourself up reading stuff on the internet that affirmed your fears. Instead of taking responsibly for your emotions, riding it out and staying up all night keeping an eye out, you put it on others.

Only 5% of the population are gay so only 1 in 20 would-be abductors would even be interested in snatching your son, and the chance of one of them being on the prowl is far smaller than a driver mounting the kerb and mowing him down while he's walking to the shop in broad daylight.

Pretty selfish IMO, and everyone who hears about it will think you're a bit crazy and will be less likely to see your future worries as legitimate.

And THAT is homophobic bullshit.

People don't abduct same sex children because they are gay, they abduct them because they are paedophiles. Conflating the two is so fucking offensive.

polkadotpixie · 01/08/2021 08:20

I think you've been a bit OTT tbh, I spent about half the summer camping in my parents back garden with friends when I was about 11! I am prone to anxiety so understand how your fear can run away with you but you need to work on this so your DC don't miss out as a result going forward

MrsBungle · 01/08/2021 08:27

Are you going to stop him travelling in a car? Crossing the roads? Much much more risky than sleeping in a tent in the garden with 2 other kids. I hope he’s not embarrassed, poor thing.

Undersnatch · 01/08/2021 08:32

Oh dear, feels a bit ott but I also just read about poor Sophie hook, what an abhorrent story Sad. So I can understand how you were feeling. Feel for your son too.

icedcoffees · 01/08/2021 08:43

The Sophie Hook case made the headlines because it was so rare and unusual and horrible.

Personally I think you were unreasonable to let an incident that happened almost 20 years ago get you into such a panic. Of course what happened to Sophie is awful but have you ever heard of it happening before or since?

It's so so so vanishingly unlikely to happen to anyone and it getting in a panic about it is not a logical way of assessing the risk.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 01/08/2021 08:48

Completely OTT.

Your husband is statistically infinitely far more likely to murder your child than a random passer by snatching him while camping with his friends. Are you doing anything about that?

As parents we all have fears, but we need to let our kids live their lives and not project onto them.

There were a million things you could have done. Given him a phone, set alarms for every hour and went and checked on him, even tag teamed with your husband to keep watch all night. Instead you chose to Google random stories from the nineties, scare yourself, and embarrass your son and ruin his fun.

Original poster
ZenNudist · 01/08/2021 09:07

I think a proper campsite would be better because he would have adult supervision and not be in a high crime densely populated area.

Twoforthree I am at the back but I can't swear I'd hear anything in the night. We could not go to bed and leave the door unlocked because robberies are common. So we'd have been leaving them outside alone if something happened we'd have to hope we'd hear it and hope the kids would be able to raise the alarm. The risk isn't of child abduction (although that freaked me out) the risk is of the kids being accosted by strangers in the night , I wonder if many munsnetters would be so relaxed if they lived in a high crime area.

Ds for example could easily camp out in either grandparents gardens. Very minimal crime and also much more secure, not easily acessible from the road, not in densely populated areas with high numbers of crime and disturbed people or disaffected youth.

So my paranoia is well founded, I don't think it can be said to be paranoia. There are plenty of recent crimes to worry about:

The other next door neighbours have been robbed twice in quick succession last year.

My friend just across the road posted a picture of her door handles being blow torched as well.

The bike that was nicked from our garage, tonnes of that going on.

Ndn whose garden he was in had a sneak theft robbery last year where robber came round the back and managed to walk in back door.

There have been murders locally. Read the local news for most cities I think you'd see the amount of crime that goes on.

I equip my ds to walk around our city in broad daylight as a necessary skill.

Youarestillintherunning I didn't say yes I said ask your dad because dh had been very firmly saying no to the concept of sleeping in the garden without proper camping equipment but caved at the last minute because the kids got a tent, we still didn't have any sleeping bags. We aren't a camping family. I was expecting ds to argue with his dad as I was busy. I'd already said no.

Once he was out there I left him outside to have fun but as they were still up at midnight decided that he'd better get some sleep.

I don't care about embarrassing him in front of neighbours dc. Too long a story to go into that relationship but i often have to put my foot down as they are older and get more freedom that isn't appropriate for a 10yo.

One last thought mumsnet very keen on not letting dc sleep alone in hotel rooms whilst parents downstairs (but who check on them and sleep in same room) but camping in the garden alone easily accessible from the road in a busy area is OK? Grin

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 01/08/2021 09:10

@ZenNudist

I think a proper campsite would be better because he would have adult supervision and not be in a high crime densely populated area.

Twoforthree I am at the back but I can't swear I'd hear anything in the night. We could not go to bed and leave the door unlocked because robberies are common. So we'd have been leaving them outside alone if something happened we'd have to hope we'd hear it and hope the kids would be able to raise the alarm. The risk isn't of child abduction (although that freaked me out) the risk is of the kids being accosted by strangers in the night , I wonder if many munsnetters would be so relaxed if they lived in a high crime area.

Ds for example could easily camp out in either grandparents gardens. Very minimal crime and also much more secure, not easily acessible from the road, not in densely populated areas with high numbers of crime and disturbed people or disaffected youth.

So my paranoia is well founded, I don't think it can be said to be paranoia. There are plenty of recent crimes to worry about:

The other next door neighbours have been robbed twice in quick succession last year.

My friend just across the road posted a picture of her door handles being blow torched as well.

The bike that was nicked from our garage, tonnes of that going on.

Ndn whose garden he was in had a sneak theft robbery last year where robber came round the back and managed to walk in back door.

There have been murders locally. Read the local news for most cities I think you'd see the amount of crime that goes on.

I equip my ds to walk around our city in broad daylight as a necessary skill.

Youarestillintherunning I didn't say yes I said ask your dad because dh had been very firmly saying no to the concept of sleeping in the garden without proper camping equipment but caved at the last minute because the kids got a tent, we still didn't have any sleeping bags. We aren't a camping family. I was expecting ds to argue with his dad as I was busy. I'd already said no.

Once he was out there I left him outside to have fun but as they were still up at midnight decided that he'd better get some sleep.

I don't care about embarrassing him in front of neighbours dc. Too long a story to go into that relationship but i often have to put my foot down as they are older and get more freedom that isn't appropriate for a 10yo.

One last thought mumsnet very keen on not letting dc sleep alone in hotel rooms whilst parents downstairs (but who check on them and sleep in same room) but camping in the garden alone easily accessible from the road in a busy area is OK? Grin

You know Mumsnet is not like the Borg, right? 🙄
DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange · 01/08/2021 09:19

Poor kid, how humiliating for him. People robbing stuff from gardens is completely separate from kids being abducted (and not just one kid, all three being left helpless to do anything seems ridiculous). My local police force recommended putting a tent up in the garden a few years ago as a way to deter thieves!

I can understand worrying about your child. But acting on it when it undermines your husband (who you told the child to defer to, pushing the decision onto him), embarrasses your child and probably makes your neighbours think you’re completely paranoid when you could’ve just given him a phone/ walkie talkie is daft.

ivfbabymomma1 · 01/08/2021 09:20

I don't know if your the same, but for me I overthink things and imagine awful scenarios last at night or in the middle of the night and then I wake up and thing well that was a little dramatic. I'm not saying this is the same for your camping child as there is obvious risks but I also think the worst during the night. One episode led me to put them window restrictors on every window in the house including downstairs ones and ones he couldn't reach Blushmy point is things always feel more scary wt night and always go with your gut feeling ☺️

icedcoffees · 01/08/2021 09:22

One last thought mumsnet very keen on not letting dc sleep alone in hotel rooms whilst parents downstairs (but who check on them and sleep in same room) but camping in the garden alone easily accessible from the road in a busy area is OK?

Those threads are about babies and toddlers, not ten year olds Hmm

Passthecontrol · 01/08/2021 09:26

A child left alone in a hotel room could easily come to harm if there was a fire. Plus lots of strangers milling about. Not quite the same as sleeping in the garden Hmm.
A handful of children over the last few decades have been abducted walking home from school, playing out on bikes etc. Are you never going to let your ds do any of those things?
I doubt bike thiefs would have any interest in abducting a 10 year old.
The world is full of dangers. Camping in the back garden with friends isn't one of them.

HerMammy · 01/08/2021 09:27

I don't care about embarrassing him
that’s nice of you, you’re feelings come before your sons.
I think if one of these many random thieves walked into a garden and saw a tent full of kids/teens they would swiftly leave.
OP has went from child abduction fears to her area is swarming with thieves 🙄

Saisong · 01/08/2021 09:32

That was a horrible homophobic post by davidsong, abduction & abuse of children is all about power, control and mania. Nothing at all to do with sexual orientation.

Starfleck · 01/08/2021 09:37

@HerMammy

I don't care about embarrassing him that’s nice of you, you’re feelings come before your sons. I think if one of these many random thieves walked into a garden and saw a tent full of kids/teens they would swiftly leave. OP has went from child abduction fears to her area is swarming with thieves 🙄
Yes quite, someone who steals a bike is not going to by default be an opportunist abductor.