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Original poster

My husbands problems

54 replies

namechangeforthis888 · 31/07/2021 19:53

I have a problem and I will just state the facts to hopefully get some advice. I'm worried to death about him

Over lock down he's been drinking too much.

He's overweight but mainly on his stomach and has developed a large gut.
This worries me as he is 50 and is a prime
Candidate For a stroke or heart attack.

He is lying about what he drinks - it's about half a bottle of spirits every night. Slightly more of a weekend.

I don't know what he is like if he's away which is once a week.

He's taking more solpadiene than is is admitting. And I think its been going on for 12 months. His friend has seen him double dose numerous times. Wouldn't do this in front of me as I question it every time so I think he is hiding it from me. Well he is. No question he is.

A good friend of his has contacted me and asked me have unnoticed anything about this.

I know about the drinking.
It is always some excuse.
Hard day at work etc etc. Want to unwind. It's the weekend. He isn't lairy or noticibly drunk.

The solpadeine I was aware of but not to this extent/level. I've seen him take it once every couple of weeks.

He's not asked me to buy it.

I but healthy food. I batch cook. I don't buy crap.

I can't betray his friends confidence.

How the fuck do I help him.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeforthis888 · 31/07/2021 19:54

I provide healthy meals to take to work as he starts early. Or breakfast, lunch and a dinner at home.

I'm literally at a fucking loss.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeforthis888 · 31/07/2021 19:55

I am scared he is on course for a stroke, heart attack or a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeforthis888 · 31/07/2021 19:56

Until he admits he needs help maybe I can't.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2021 19:57

Tell him he gets help for his drinking or you're leaving. You can't fix this.

Original poster
namechangeforthis888 · 31/07/2021 20:03

I think he can stop the drinking.

On a week day so it's once a week. He's been on health kicks before and has done just that.

I'm concerned about the painkillers. I can't police that. How the fuck can I police that?

OP posts:
GetTaeFuck · 31/07/2021 20:05

OP, drinking that amount of alcohol per week needs medical attention in order for him to safely cut down.

Original poster
namechangeforthis888 · 31/07/2021 20:06

He is a lovely person. He's very kind. He is literally the perfect DH. Except for this.

He doesn't not do things because he has a hangover. I've never seen him have one actually.

It's just this.

It's having a bit of a knock on effect with our seed life as in I won't sleep with him because I'm not attracted to this person who he is at the moment.

I just want him to get past this.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeforthis888 · 31/07/2021 20:08

Really? What am I supposed to do to help him.

I don't want to leave him at present. I just want him to overcome this.

Maybe I am minimising this as I'm very "this is the problem this is how you solve it" then solve it.

OP posts:
GetTaeFuck · 31/07/2021 20:10

Gently, OP, your husband is an alcoholic and you can’t fix it.

He is drinking a staggering amount of units per week and withdrawal will require medical management; it also requires him to actually want to stop drinking.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2021 20:10

Your husband is an addict. Nothing will change until he decides to change. That means you have to make firm boundaries and stick to them. Refuse to be married to an addict who is still abusing alcohol and drugs.

MushMonster · 31/07/2021 20:17

Start talling to him about the drinking, as he knows you know about that.
He drinks far too much!
Why does he take painkillers though? Is he actually in pain? Back problem or other? If so, the drinking may be to numb the pain too.
If you go out for a walk, will he go with you? Try to go to the gym, walks, days out. The lock downs have not been kind to anyone! He should loose the belly as soon as he stops excess drinking, and becomes a bit active.
I do not know about the painkillers... you need to make him come clean about that.

You cannot fix him though. You can only motivate him and support him. If he does not want to act, it will get worst, and you will end up leaving him indeed. Fight for him OP, but do not let him to drag you down with him.

Original poster
namechangeforthis888 · 31/07/2021 20:18

My boundaries have been listed tonight already before this post.

Get whatever alcohol out of this house tonight. There is one bottle.

No more drinking for at least a month.

I am going to mark on the calendar for the next two weeks. Present absolute proof of what was agreed tomorrow and then mark off for my own peace of mind what's happened that day by way of whether he has had a drink or if I have seen him take painkillers.

I need this clear in my own head not just well I'm
Sure you had a drink this night or that night.

Then after two weeks he will get an ultimatum.

OP posts:
GetTaeFuck · 31/07/2021 20:20

OP, sudden withdrawal from alcohol, particularly this amount, poses a huge risk of seizures.

user16395699 · 31/07/2021 20:22

What am I supposed to do to help him.

Unless he's asked for your help, you can't help him.

What you've described so far isn't you helping him, it's you trying to fix and control him. There's a critical difference.

Have you spoken to him about his drinking and painkiller use in a non-accusatory way?

Have you always challenged him on why he's taking painkillers every single time he takes some? Or only since you started worrying about stuff?

What was the reason he originally needed painkillers?

Do you think that trying to control what he eats is effective?

Do you think you would enjoy somebody else controlling and restricting what you eat? Or might it make you anxious and frustrated?

GetTaeFuck · 31/07/2021 20:24

1 bottle of whiskey is 28 Units a week and is double the recommended amount

Let alone 6 bottles (probably more, you only see him drinking at home, he may well be drinking more where you aren’t around to see him, same as the painkillers)

user16395699 · 31/07/2021 20:25

Ok, 1) that is very dangerous as pp has said, and 2) that is exceptionally controlling of you. You cannot treat people like that even if it comes from a place of concern.

GetTaeFuck · 31/07/2021 20:28

Also, he is at a high risk of very high blood pressure if he just stops cold turkey.

Please educate yourself before you potentially kill him with your (controlling, IMO) demands.

Original poster
namechangeforthis888 · 31/07/2021 20:29

I didn't realise this was controlling. I've been trying to help.

Ref the food.
I ask him what he wants me to make him for the next day. He tells me then doesn't take it. Or takes it and throws it away and gets something else. I know this.

The painkillers. It's been a back problem, a knee problem, an elbow problem etc etc etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeforthis888 · 31/07/2021 20:31

This is a new problem to me. I will read up obviously but this is the first time I have asked for advice.

By trying to change his diet I've been hoping to help him and encourage healthy choices.

I don't force this on him and I don't comment if he doesn't choose these. These are just my observations.

OP posts:
GetTaeFuck · 31/07/2021 20:31

Please read up on addiction and alcoholism.

He needs medical help, GP is the first starting point. Likely he will need liver ultrasounds and blood tests as a bare minimum. Medication to help withdrawal. Therapy and an addiction group.

IF he wants to stop drinking. IF. You can’t make him, unfortunately.

ShellyShore · 31/07/2021 20:31

Op, I'm sorry you're in this awful situation. I just wanted to point out that stopping drinking for a month doesn't prove someone isn't dependent on alcohol.

Original poster
namechangeforthis888 · 31/07/2021 20:39

Well my eyes have been opened tonight.

It is obv much more of a problem that i had envisioned as I'm not a big drinker myself and I don't take painkillers unless I'm in agony.

Maybe this is the end of the road for us if he can't sort this out. I'm willing to support but it has to come from him.

Feel fitted right now. Quite fucking frightened and a lot out of sorts with how to approach this. But it can't go on.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeforthis888 · 31/07/2021 20:40

Thank you for pointing that out Shelly. That's something else I need to read up on and think about. For him and me.

OP posts:
JulesCobb · 31/07/2021 20:40

He needs professional help.

HuntingoftheSnark · 31/07/2021 20:41

Hi OP, I was in less alcohol than your husband every day when I decided to stop, many years ago. I had terrifying hallucinations and a seizure which could have killed me. Going cold turkey is not safe for alcoholics.

He will only stop when and if he wants to stop. Stopping for someone else will just make him more secretive.

Many alcoholics can go weeks or months without a drop. It's more than once they have a drink, they set off a physical craving and a mental compulsion to drink until they pass out or they can't get their hands on any more drink.

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