My husbands problems

[namechangeforthis888]

I have a problem and I will just state the facts to hopefully get some advice. I'm worried to death about him

Over lock down he's been drinking too much.

He's overweight but mainly on his stomach and has developed a large gut.
This worries me as he is 50 and is a prime
Candidate For a stroke or heart attack.

He is lying about what he drinks - it's about half a bottle of spirits every night. Slightly more of a weekend.

I don't know what he is like if he's away which is once a week.

He's taking more solpadiene than is is admitting. And I think its been going on for 12 months. His friend has seen him double dose numerous times. Wouldn't do this in front of me as I question it every time so I think he is hiding it from me. Well he is. No question he is.

A good friend of his has contacted me and asked me have unnoticed anything about this.

I know about the drinking.
It is always some excuse.
Hard day at work etc etc. Want to unwind. It's the weekend. He isn't lairy or noticibly drunk.

The solpadeine I was aware of but not to this extent/level. I've seen him take it once every couple of weeks.

He's not asked me to buy it.

I but healthy food. I batch cook. I don't buy crap.

I can't betray his friends confidence.

How the fuck do I help him.

Does anyone have anything to recommend for me dealing with this for him and me.

For him to talk about how he is feeling. Not even sore this would help at this point as he's not saod or indicated he thinks anything is wrong.

For me to talk about how I am feeling now.

You could try: www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

I have a drink on a weekend. Either a Friday or a Saturday. I will obv not do this now. I don't drink through the week. I can take it or leave it. Thankfully.

My head is a whirlwind now.

Thank you.

Fuck off jenny are you for fucking real

Reported, disgusting comment

OP the bridge dwellers are out in force tonight due to Mn website being very slow. Ignore.

Would he go to the gp with you? You’d need to be there to make sure he mentions everything- doesn’t minimise etc.

Reported too.

I posted a link but that seems to have disappeared.

Al Anon isn't for everyone but might help you to feel less alone and bewildered.

The way you describe being able to take or leave alcohol is exactly what all alcoholics would love to be ... but know that we never will be. Abstinence (after a controlled withdrawal) is absolutely the only solution. It seems scary and daunting at first, but we take it a day at a time.

I'd be wary of when he is driving too after that many units....could quite easily be over the limit in the morning :(

Bet your a man Jen. With about three haircuts left

I hadn’t even thought about driving. My step Dad doesn’t drive (long, long battle with alcohol and I’ve now clue how he made it to 60…) so it didn’t even enter my head.

My ex was sober for 5 years when we met; 2 years into the relationship he started drinking again and I had to end it 2 months after he broke his sobriety because he was massively minimising and I wasn’t prepared to live the life my Mum did. We’ve been split for a year now and he’s so far down the road of using again that I didn’t even recognise him when I bumped into him last month.

So be aware that relapses do happen.

The three C's of life with an addict/ alcoholic:

You didn't cause this.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

You are desperate. You are sad. You want your dear husband back.

I am here to present to you the sad advice that no amount of loving care on your part can ever make him change. You need to accept that there is nothing you can do now except speed his trip to rock bottom.

Please contact Al Anon for support for yourself. You need it.

Thank you for the advice, support and experience so far. It's nice to know that the kindness of strangers is still apparent and it's gratefully received.

I don't know what the future hold for us but I will try to help him. Of course I will. We were friends before we were in a relationship.

I think it may be over. I don't know if I have it in me to police this for the rest of my life. Not do I want to. But I will look after him as best as I can as either a wife or a friend if it comes to that.

Fucking shit though. .

For him for me. There have been other issues that have become apparent and they are all either a by product of this or highlighted because of this.

Feel pretty shit about it all to be honest. It's been good to write it down. Good to get honest advice.

Even the troll was good I am a bit upset and angry too but hiding it well. There is no point being angry with him at the Minute.

I've screen shorted that max.

Without seemingly being controlling I need to delve into this and look at his outgoings in detail. I am and always have been independent. He moved in with me. All these years later everything is in my name still.

I ask for a set amount. A nominal fee if you like and he pays for anything I ask him to but actually nothing to show for it and he put earns me x 4.

I'm not worried about splitting. He wouldn't t ask me for anything I wouldn't t ask him. Basically walk away with what you brought in. Hopefully I won't be back saying anything different. But this has all come to a head now.

The comments on here have made me aware
Of the severity of the situation and it's fucking shit.

I will be honest I expected the likes of tell him to get the gym not the doctors as he needs specialist help.

He's a functioning alcoholic isn't he.

I think he needs to go to AA?? But like previous posters have said, he needs to do it himself, you REALLY can’t make it happen for him and doing things like just getting all the alcohol out of the house is not going to stop an addict.

His diet etc seem very secondary to what sounds like a fairly advanced addiction situation. Taking him for a walk isn’t going to make a difference to the bigger problem.

He won't go to aa. He's still minimising everything.

Yes he is OP and he is likely to be able to function less and less as time goes on.
You can’t cure him.
You can’t police this.
Unless he really wants to make a change then it won’t happen.
You can’t control his behaviour. Only your response. I couldn’t live with this. That’s the decision you have to make.

AA will be able to help him if/when he wants to stop more than he wants anything else. It really is that simple. If he's not reached the stage of sheer terror at the consequences of his drinking, he probably isn't ready to stop.

Your support is lovely, and I'm speaking as a recovering alcoholic of 13 and a bit years, but I would say that you should detach with love.

He is zn adult
Unless he asks for help
You can only change your behavior
Eg leave him and tell him why