Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Is this normal for being single long term? I feel so low.

34 replies

BetterThanTomorrow · 31/07/2021 12:50

I'm 32 and I've never had a relationship. I don't really know why. People always ask me when I'm settling down and why haven't I met someone, so I don't think there are any glaring issues Confused

I am a teacher, so I do rarely meet men, but I've been using the apps and I do make an effort to organise a social life. I don't just sit at home (well, not until Covid anyway!).

I don't mean to say that my life isn't good, because it is, but I just feel that there must be something more to life than watching what I want and buying the clothes that I want.

I do desperately want a family and it just seems to be getting beyond me now. But what else is there in life? Is this it for another 50 years?

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 31/07/2021 12:54

I’m perplexed that you relate buying the clothes that you want, with being single. I promise you that whether I’ve been single, dating, cohabiting or married I’ve still bought the clothes I want.

You say you’re using the apps - do you mean social ones or dating?

Original poster
BetterThanTomorrow · 31/07/2021 12:56

I do spend more on my clothes than all my coupled up friends, tbh. They were all saving for weddings and mat leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
BetterThanTomorrow · 31/07/2021 12:56

Oh, dating. I tried using one for friends but tbh it was just more small talk and awkward silences when I went to a meet up.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 31/07/2021 13:02

@BetterThanTomorrow

I do spend more on my clothes than all my coupled up friends, tbh. They were all saving for weddings and mat leave.
That makes more sense! I took it as you being able to choose the clothes you want, not afford the clothes you want!

Even so, I’ve found my money compared to my friends has all been to do with my relative income rather than if I was dating!

What are your hobbies? Watching TV and buying clothes are the only things you mention… I’m not saying that taking up a sport, for example, will help you meet someone, more that it’s a fun thing to do if you don’t! But does give an extra opportunity.

How hard are you hitting the dating apps?
I do think - and you need your thick skin on for this! - if that’s your most likely way of meeting someone, you need to treat it like a serious endeavour. Put effort into your profile, check it regularly, go on dates as much as you can.

Original poster
BetterThanTomorrow · 31/07/2021 13:06

I go to the gym regularly, for running, spin, yoga, and the odd swim. I tried a Park Run but it was more small talk.

Pre Covid I really liked doing evening classes and did quite a few different ones. I might go back to that but only if it's in person.

I used to go on a date a month, and always try and arrange a second date as long as it wasn't painful. Embarrassingly, I've had Tinder and Bumble on all summer and have had barely any matches, and there was no chat Blush

OP posts:
honeybuns007 · 31/07/2021 13:11

Not that any of this makes a difference out of interest, are you an extrovert or an introvert? Do you enjoy deep meaningful conversations more than chit chat? Could it be that what you feel is small talk is just what happens when first getting to know someone and that the big conversations might not happen until you know someone more? What response do you think you get from the people you have dated?

Crinkle77 · 31/07/2021 13:19

32 is still young and you've got plenty of time to meet someone. I do hate the way other people think it's acceptable to question you about why you're single. So rude!

Original poster
BetterThanTomorrow · 31/07/2021 13:20

I never know tbh. I'm definitely more introverted until I get to know people, then I come out of my shell.

I don't particularly want deep meaningful conversations on the meaning of life Grin but you know when you're with your friends and you can all be quiet, just hanging out and it's nice? That's what I want, as well as to come in after being at work all day and there being someone else in. That'd be so lovely.

I just get ghosted all the time :( nothing has ever progressed into anything serious and I don't know why.

OP posts:
LostThings · 31/07/2021 13:27

I was a teacher and never met many men at work . I was on Match.com for about 18 months and then I met my DH. I was 38. We've been together for 10 years and have DC. There's plenty of time for you to meet someone special and have a family .

Panickingpavlova · 31/07/2021 13:30

Op small talk is a then with you, small talk maybe painful sometimes but it's the glue that holds everything together.. It's what leads into more interesting conversations

Original poster
BetterThanTomorrow · 31/07/2021 13:30

Part of me knows that most people settle down, and that objectively there's still time.

Another part of me just can't take going on like this any longer. I don't want another Christmas or birthday on my own. I know that sounds entitled and princessy but god, I've been on my own so long, I've been waiting so long.

OP posts:
Panickingpavlova · 31/07/2021 13:34

Unfortunately seeming desperately can also put people off, we have to be willing to bend a little sometimes and get out of our comfort zone.

I'm not single but.. If I was single again I'd work in a pub! Best way to meet people.

Yescheese · 31/07/2021 13:42

I'm single again so probably not the best example but would suggest you swap Bumble and Tinder for a paid site. I spent ages on the free ones with no luck, but on match I met 2 really good guys out of 2 dates, both after a relationship and keen on me. The one I liked more couldn't continue after a lovely few months because of a big practical issue on my side but they were at least genuine possibilities instead of endless crappy, mismatched dates.

Also, from what you've said, you mention finding small talk uncomfortable. Is this something you could work on a bit, maybe have some topics ready? It's just that with meeting people this way, they are strangers really, you don't have the common ground you would say, with a hobby or work so the small talk is a bit of a necessary first step.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 31/07/2021 13:50

Aw... that's a bit harsh @Panickingpavlova OP didn't say she was desperate, she just, quite rightly, said she's been waiting a long time and would like to meet someone. And if I was a teacher the last thing I'd want to do is go and work in a pub after working most likely a very long week!

OP, you're not doing anything wrong. Dating Apps aren't for everyone. You sound lovely and that you've got a very busy work life and you've joined all kinds of things in the hope of meeting people in real life. Meet up groups are good. No pressure and always an opportunity to meet all kinds of people. If I were you I'd tell all my friends and family that I would like to meet someone and get them to match you up with their friends and relatives. Use them as a matchmaker service. At least then you'll know they've been screened before you meet them, unlike online dating.

There's nothing wrong with you - it's tough being single when everyone else around you is in a couple. And it's not princessy to want to be with someone on your birthday or at Christmas.

People who haven't experienced being alone don't know what it's like. Next time someone asks you when you're settling down, tell them "as soon as you introduce me to someone I'd like to settle down with"!

Panickingpavlova · 31/07/2021 14:04

Just got

You misunderstanding, I didn't say op is desperate I think said if she is, people sense this and that's true, sadly.

Moonface123 · 31/07/2021 14:18

You have to remember as well that finding someone, settling down, having a famiy, etc, does not necessarily guarantee a happy ever after, just because it's the route most seem to take.
It is hard watching from the sidelines as friends get engaged, married, pregnant et c and you still feel stuck, but life can often surprise us when we least expect it. I would be open to living the best life possible, even if for now it's not really what you want, and l think it's a good idea to just do one thing a month that will take you out of your comfort zone so you get to engage with more people. Why not try a pub quiz etc, or go on a hike, or join a beginner's running or cycle club.

Original poster
BetterThanTomorrow · 31/07/2021 14:23

I don't know what my best life is, that's the problem I have. I don't need or want any more hobbies or clothes or anything. I've done that for so long now and I'm not finding the joy or novelty in it any more.

OP posts:
Wishihadanalgorithm · 31/07/2021 14:39

OP, I think you have to take OLD quite seriously - a bit of a job even! I would focus on a decent paid for site and forget the free ones. Then start saying yes to a range of different people. Don’t limit yourself to one a month, you want to be aiming for 2-4 dates a week. They don’t have to be long - meeting for coffees and lunches are shorted than evening dates and just as useful for seeing if there is ‘spark’. This way, if one doesn’t get back in touch it doesn’t matter as you are too busy with others.

I’d let friends know you would be interested in being introduced to single men so if they have any friends send them your way.

Finally, as a PP has said use small talk to make connections. I hate it too but have become quite good at it. Maybe look at your body language too - when I was single I remember reading a book about how to flirt (as I had no idea) and just following some of the tips really worked. I used to do these ‘flirting tricks’ randomly and I regularly used to get men come over and chat to me whereas they wouldn’t have in the past.

Good luck, OP. Don’t focus on your age either, 32 is still young.

Original poster
BetterThanTomorrow · 31/07/2021 14:47

The paid for sites are really crap here, tbh. Mostly much older men and the same younger ones who are on the free apps.

I genuinely don't see who I would be arranging 2-4 dates a week with... I am not attracted to that many men and I'm certainly not getting that amount of matches anyway! Blush

OP posts:
Yescheese · 31/07/2021 14:53

Not sure where you are, but if you live somewhere smallish, are you including the nearest big towns/ cities in your search? Obv you'll have your own limit on how far you want to travel.

Original poster
BetterThanTomorrow · 31/07/2021 14:58

I am in a city! Maybe my app is glitchy. Either that or I must be much more ugly than I think I am Grin Sad

OP posts:
Dmsandfloatydress · 31/07/2021 15:02

When I was long term single I took the plunge and left my provincial town and moved to london. Bigger pond to fish in. I was thirty and I rented out my flat and moved to a shared house. It worked! I told everyone I knew that I wanted to get married and to please set me up with anyone suitable. I also did online dating and ramped up my social life. It took three years untilsomeone suggested my husband and I was married by 36 and have one child. For me , getting married was my number 1 goal and I put everything into it. I still have friends who are single in their forties who didntput the effort in. You are a teacher so you can get a job anywhere. Move to Australia, NewZealand, London, Edinburgh and get fishing!

GrandmasCat · 31/07/2021 15:05

The thing is that although you may find the love of your life while queuing in the supermarket, it is very very unlikely.

If you really want to find someone, you need to make yourself available, approachable and interesting. By that I mean be friendly, smile and learn to talk about the nice things of your life in an interesting way. Good conversation is the way to go, nobody wants to exchange more than a couple of messages with someone that doesn’t make the effort to build rapport.

youaresunshine · 31/07/2021 15:19

Hi op, sending you a massive hug.
Both my sisters are teachers and neither of them have had a relationship (a big part of this was out strict upbringing).
I know my eldest sister wants to settle down and have dc etc. I think she is so amazing and anyone would be lucky to have her as a partner (same for my other sister!) It hasn't happened for her yet but she's just taken on a new hobby that hopefully will get her out and meeting people.
It's hard when things don't pan out the way we think it should. Sending you loads of positive vibes and good thoughts that you get what you wish.

nembrotha · 31/07/2021 15:26

Take up road cycling with a local club. That will be full of men. Stay for the pub bit after the ride. Not saying you're going to find someone instantly but there might be friends/work colleagues.

If you're a teacher and off at the moment there's loads of bar/restaurant work available for the next few busy summer weeks. Put you in front of loads of men.