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Original poster

Daughter commenting on someone with a bald head

50 replies

Anonapapple · 30/07/2021 15:34

I was paying for something in a clothes shop today. I was with my almost 4 year old daughter. The lady serving me had a bald head and it didn't look shaved. I got the impression it wasn't deliberate.

My daughter kept saying 'the lady has no hair! The lady has no hair!' I tried to get her to be quiet subtlety but she started inviting my older child over to have a look.

My brother was in the shop and I asked him to take the kids out while I finished paying. I said to the girl 'I'm sorry about my children'. She was very understanding and laughed it off and I sort of moved on and didn't mention it again.

My older child is 6 and I have started talking to him about not commenting on the appearance of other people, that we are all different, the most important thing is what's on the inside etc. My daughter is a little babyish for her age but is very kind and caring. I've not mentioned not commenting on others as she hasnt done it before and I don't think she would really get it, even if broken down to her level.

I felt embarrassed and very sorry for the lady. Maybe I am projecting my own feelings but I wanted to minimise any embarrassment she might feel while acknowledging that my children were wrong. I also didn't want to start launching into a big 'life lesson' with my daughter there and then, which would have been for show and possibly more embarrassing for the sales assistant (if she was embarrassed-she may not have been but I dont want to assume that). Anyway, we finished the transaction and I didnt say anything to my daughter afterwards as I know she didn't mean any harm but I just don't know how to proceed. I want my children to be sensitive and respectful, and maybe I am overthinking it but I didn't know how to react.

When my son was younger he would ask why someone had a different colour of skin to him. Usually I would say it's because the person's parents had that colour skin too. Or if he sees someone in a wheelchair I can explain that the person needs help to move around as their legs don't work too well. I am comfortable with these replies even if the person in question is within earshot as I think they are generally factual. Today I just didn't know how to react.

What would you have said or done? And how badly did I handle it? I feel like I did an awful job. I was always raised not to be 'pass-remarkable' so maybe that's why I am cringing so much.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2021 15:38

Anyway, we finished the transaction and I didnt say anything to my daughter afterwards as I know she didn't mean any harm but I just don't know how to proceed.

Your daughter is 4, not 2, you really need to speak to her about this as soon as possible. Gently, of course, but this needs to be addressed.

Galassia · 30/07/2021 15:40

My son at a similar age suddenly shouted, “Hey Baldy!” in a put on and very deep voice whilst pointing at a bald chap whilst we were walking down a busy street.

I had no idea where he got that from but was clearly mimicking something he had seen.

He wouldn’t tell me the source!

Thankfully the man didn’t acknowledge us.

I guess it’s slightly different with a woman because we don’t often see bald women and therefore feel it’s something to be more self conscious about or associate the person with an illness.

I expect the woman is used to stares and rude comments and certainly would t be offended by a small child who’s mother was nice enough to apologise.

Hopdathelf · 30/07/2021 16:00

Doesn’t matter if it’s an intentional style or not. She shouldn’t be commenting on anyone else’s appearance and four is old enough to learn that.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

4 year olds Families
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 30/07/2021 16:05

OP very simple rule - "we do not make personal remarks. It makes people sad."

End of.

Seriously, you are overthinking it. You can always add "if you see something you want to ask me about, do it later when we are alone".

My 3yo says stuff like this but by 4, nearly school age, I'd expect them to know better. It's not cute anymore then.

Original poster
Anonapapple · 30/07/2021 16:05

I know, I really do need to talk to her. She isnt quite 4 yet, will be next month and she had always been ever so slightly behind her peers (but always catches up). I'm not making excuses, just explaining that I find this concept a bit tricky to broach with her.

OP posts:
hiredandsqueak · 30/07/2021 16:06

My son has autism and had a fixation with bald heads it was incedibly embarrassing because he'd shout "Look bald B A L D spells bald not B O L D that means brave" (he was very into letters and spellings as well). However that wasn't the worst, in a park he spotted a man with a bald head sunbathing, made a run for it, grabbed the man's head and proceeded to lick it. The man took it incredibly well considering.
All you can do OP is keep gently explaining that it's not kind to comment on people's appearance. I taught ds to only whisper to me because the temptation was too great but like most things he grew out of it eventually.

Original poster
Anonapapple · 30/07/2021 16:09

When my son was her age, he was much more switched on. Socially/emotionally I would put my daughter closer to 3 and a half than 4. I know its not much but she is definitely not as 'mature' as the average 4 year old. Nevertheless, it's still something I really need to start working on with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonapapple · 30/07/2021 16:11

@hiredandsqueak oh my gosh! Licking the man's head Shock I'm glad the man was good natured about it Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonapapple · 30/07/2021 16:13

@Galassia 'Hey Baldy' in the deep voice! 🙈 thankfully the man didnt respond!

OP posts:
BeyondMyWits · 30/07/2021 16:20

Mine were about 4 when we went to a Beefeater restaurant and Dd said "mummy why does that man have a nice shiny head?"

Mortified and we had a talk about personal comments... but the man's wife came over at the end of their meal and said he'd been chuffed to bits at her comment since he went bald in his teens and felt self conscious about it. Out of the mouths of babes sometimes...

Twizbe · 30/07/2021 16:21

My husband has alopecia universalis so no hair at all!!

Our son is 4 and has started to ask why daddy doesn't have any hair.

We've spoken to him about how everyone is different and that he has a condition that means his hair falls out.

Tbh, if the woman wasn't wearing a wig, hat or scarf she's probably very comfortable with her looks and is used to comments. My husband has heard them all for sure.

ShinyGreenElephant · 30/07/2021 19:51

Sorry but some of these have made me howl 🤣🤣🤣 Licking the head!

Gensola · 30/07/2021 19:54

😂😂😂 t

Suzi888 · 30/07/2021 19:57

I think 4 is a little young, of course tell her it’s not kind to comment on someone’s appearance but she’s still very young and wasn’t intentionally being rude. May take awhile for it to actually sink in, keep at it.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/07/2021 19:58

I think I would have replied "yes I know dear and doesnt she look beautiful" and then just got on with my day.

Have a separate discussion about not talking about peoples looks later on.

NoNobramma · 30/07/2021 20:00

When I was bald (cancer treatment) I’d not have been offended or upset by any comment on it. The inquisitive nature of kids is totally fine and people really shouldn’t be offended by questions. I’d have answered her if I’d been the bald lady in question.

All you can do is just suggest she asks you afterwards or whispers? But don’t worry too much she wasn’t offensive just interested!

Sunshineaftermorningrain · 30/07/2021 20:01

I think it is worth bearing in mind that just because somebody might appear unbothered it doesn’t mean they are.

Etinox · 30/07/2021 20:07

You are waaaay too soft on your kids or I was a dragon
By 4 and 6 you should be able to stop them with a glance (or glare). Not just because they’ll something if say something tactless but for when you’re driving or having an important phone call or conversation. And you should definitely have the conversation about commenting on appearances.

Ozanj · 30/07/2021 20:10

My nephew at a similar age fell in love with Okoye in Black Panther and every time we went out if he saw a black woman he’d ask if she could pass on a message from him Blush.

Sunshineaftermorningrain · 30/07/2021 20:11

@Ozanj

My nephew at a similar age fell in love with Okoye in Black Panther and every time we went out if he saw a black woman he’d ask if she could pass on a message from him Blush.
Did he really

Never saw CBeebies. How strange.

Etinox · 30/07/2021 20:45

Hate these threads when hilarious things kids say meets bad parenting meets racist twattery.

Original poster
Anonapapple · 30/07/2021 20:48

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz yes! This!

@sunshineaftermorningrain that's what I was worried about too.

I spoke to my daughter earlier. It was probably too long afterwards but to cut a long story short, she got confused and a bit upset. I'm just going to have to keep consistently reinforcing the message until she understands.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 30/07/2021 20:49

I'd have said to my child yes sometimes people don't sometimes people's hair falls out if they're poorly and sometimes people choose not to have any hair
It's true

Original poster
Anonapapple · 30/07/2021 20:50

@Etinox I'm not a bad parent. I'm trying to handle this carefully so it doesn't happen again. I know I didn't handle it well and want to do better. Surely a bad parent wouldn't care.

OP posts:
Etinox · 30/07/2021 20:54

The bad parenting jibe, which was cheap, was at general “haha, my kids when they see a black person, what are they like?! 🤦🏻‍♀️😂”
It’s not great parenting to help your kids reach a sense of their words and actions affect on other people through. And you sound scared to broach it with them.