Daughter commenting on someone with a bald head

[Anonapapple]

I was paying for something in a clothes shop today. I was with my almost 4 year old daughter. The lady serving me had a bald head and it didn't look shaved. I got the impression it wasn't deliberate.

My daughter kept saying 'the lady has no hair! The lady has no hair!' I tried to get her to be quiet subtlety but she started inviting my older child over to have a look.

My brother was in the shop and I asked him to take the kids out while I finished paying. I said to the girl 'I'm sorry about my children'. She was very understanding and laughed it off and I sort of moved on and didn't mention it again.

My older child is 6 and I have started talking to him about not commenting on the appearance of other people, that we are all different, the most important thing is what's on the inside etc. My daughter is a little babyish for her age but is very kind and caring. I've not mentioned not commenting on others as she hasnt done it before and I don't think she would really get it, even if broken down to her level.

I felt embarrassed and very sorry for the lady. Maybe I am projecting my own feelings but I wanted to minimise any embarrassment she might feel while acknowledging that my children were wrong. I also didn't want to start launching into a big 'life lesson' with my daughter there and then, which would have been for show and possibly more embarrassing for the sales assistant (if she was embarrassed-she may not have been but I dont want to assume that). Anyway, we finished the transaction and I didnt say anything to my daughter afterwards as I know she didn't mean any harm but I just don't know how to proceed. I want my children to be sensitive and respectful, and maybe I am overthinking it but I didn't know how to react.

When my son was younger he would ask why someone had a different colour of skin to him. Usually I would say it's because the person's parents had that colour skin too. Or if he sees someone in a wheelchair I can explain that the person needs help to move around as their legs don't work too well. I am comfortable with these replies even if the person in question is within earshot as I think they are generally factual. Today I just didn't know how to react.

What would you have said or done? And how badly did I handle it? I feel like I did an awful job. I was always raised not to be 'pass-remarkable' so maybe that's why I am cringing so much.

Do you or somone your children are around comment on appearance regularly?

I'd have just said it's rude to say things about how people look. In a very firm way. She is old enough to know this.

I understand its embarrassing for you. But by trying to pretend it's not happening you're making it worse.

There is a really nice new kids book out that I just bought for my daughter called 'bodies are cool' by Tyler feder and it explains how people all have diff bodies/hair/skin etc. You could use it to start the convo that everyone is different and that's ok :-)

You WERE a bad parent, palming them off to your brother to ease your own comfort, educate your child! Why didn't you speak to your daughter there and then? Firstly I'd tell my child they were rude to comment and briefly explain there's many conditions that cause them, which also has the opportunity to open up a dialogue with the person who may care to share with you and your child why.

@TheCanyon

You WERE a bad parent, palming them off to your brother to ease your own comfort, educate your child! Why didn't you speak to your daughter there and then? Firstly I'd tell my child they were rude to comment and briefly explain there's many conditions that cause them, which also has the opportunity to open up a dialogue with the person who may care to share with you and your child why.

That would be fucking awful if she had Chosen to have a bald head and you start claiming it's because of a list of conditions

From the age of 3 when dd first made a personal comment I explained to her it's not kind and it might make the person feel sad. She seemed to get it, but if she hadn't I'd have continued explaining. I had a friend whose children made rude comments when they were older and she seemed to find it amusing and "couldn't be helped, they are just kids." She was then getting upset that parents at school were pissed off about her child's comments to their child and complaining to the teacher.

In our house they were taught you never make any comment about a person's appearance unless it is to say something nice along the lines of I like your t shirt or hair etc.

When they are able to understand you can drive this home by saying how would you feel if someone said your dress/top wasn't very nice.

They also need to learn that if you say stop they stop talking, just like they would in a classroom if asked, hopefully. This comes in handy when you have told your child they cannot climb the wall at school that even has a sign on that says do not climb and some parent lets their child climb the wall and your child starts to say very loudly how unfair it is

Young children say what they see. Out with our son years ago, we were walking along behind a lady with dwarfism walking her dog. Our son said “why is that little girl out on her own mummy”. The lady turned round and said “it’s alright, darling, I’m not a little girl, I’m a little lady”. She told my son how she had been born little and we had a lovely chat about the dog, bade goodbye and went on our ways. Our son and I had a good conversation about differences as a result.
Didn’t stop him saying wide eyed , on a visit to the East End Museum of childhood a few months later “mummy there’s a ninja”. It was a lady in black Islamic dress: we lived at the time in an almost completely white part of the country, he hadn’t seen that style of dress before but had seen pictures of ninjas which at the time, mid-noughties, we’re all over the place in older kids programmes.
I felt awful, wished the floor would open up but again the lady was lovely, laughed and winked at him.
I think as long as it’s obvious to people that it was a from the heart honest mistake, most adults aren’t generally offended by what very small children can come out with.

You didn't do anything wrong. Small children say what they see without intending to hurt. She's still very young.
No harm was done and the woman didn't take offence. She understood the situation.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Your dd will get the point gradually as she gets a bit older.

You should have addressed this there and then.

Just to mention I didn't explain it's not kind etc in earshot of the person but just after we passed them. Not sure if they heard anyway

@Neondisco no never. We are consciously trying to raise our children to understand that outward looks don't matter. It's something that my husband believe in ourselves and that we live out. I'm not just saying that.

@VAM24 thanks for the tip

@TheCanyon there was a big queue behind me and I didn't want to make things worse in the moment.

You immediately say "that's rude, hush', and you do the life lesson later.

4, no matter how immature, is old enough to know you don't point and stare and call your brother to look.

As well as being totally hairless DH is also 6'8. He has no issue with the kids who comment on his height / hair.... the adults though that's another matter.

Any chance this thread couldn’t turn into horrible racist and disabilist comments under the guise of ‘my CHILD said this’?

I don’t think you were/are a bad parent at all OP, and I understand you felt put on the spot but I do think you could have dealt with it more firmly. You’ll hopefully know next time. Tiny children may sometimes say something inappropriate but to be honest I think four is quite a way past that.

The OP's child isn't 4 until next month. Developmentally that matters.

I think I probably would have just said shush just now please while I’m buying this, then explained afterwards that we don’t make comments on how people look as it can make them feel upset.

I was the last with the bald head after chemo at the time my kids were 4 and 7 and wigs and head coverings were not me so I chose to go bald. I really wouldn't have minded your daughter asking about my head as we are all different and in my experience very accepting.

If it had have been my son I would have dealt with it much more firmly and confidently but as I said before, my daughter is technically still 3 and immature. Anyway I will continue to address this issue. Whoever said I'm scared to broach the issue, I'm not. I know a lot of people don't seem to believe that my daughter doesn't have the same awareness as other children her age (3 almost 4). As I said, she is quite babyish and innocent. But it's a good reminder to start the dialogue with her.

She's just a kid and while I agree it needs to be explained to her , I don't think in the shop was the time or the place. Your story reminds me years ago of a day I had to attend a hospital appointment and there was just me and a lady with her little boy , around 3 in the waiting room. After a while two women wearing niqaabs walked in and the little boy freaked out and started screaming about black ghosts, the poor mother looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her up. Clearly the boy had never seen anybody dressed like that and his brain jumped to the conclusion that they had to be ghosts. The two ladies took it well and even had a laugh about it. Most people understand that small kids are liable to come out with anything.

"Firstly I'd tell my child they were rude to comment and briefly explain there's many conditions that cause them, which also has the opportunity to open up a dialogue with the person who may care to share with you and your child why."

No you don't start talking about conditions that cause something or expect the person concerned to share anything with you or your child. They are not a teaching point.

My DD once did something similar aged just 3. The person was visibly upset. I apologised but unfortunately little kids lack tact. You can explain to them but ime they don’t get it until 3.5/4. It’s just life and I think you dealt with it well. It would have been worse to start performance parenting. I’m impressed though by all these kids who stop talking on demand!

Well that great and a good ethos to live by.

I think in that case she is literally just saying what she sees thing. Which loads of kids do.

@TheCanyon

You WERE a bad parent, palming them off to your brother to ease your own comfort, educate your child! Why didn't you speak to your daughter there and then? Firstly I'd tell my child they were rude to comment and briefly explain there's many conditions that cause them, which also has the opportunity to open up a dialogue with the person who may care to share with you and your child why.

Yuck - no. Do not do this. It's not the job of the person your child is talking about to educate your child or be part of your conversation. Just acknowledge what your child has said and move on.

I speak as a woman with facial differences that are never mentioned by adults but are occasionally commented on by children. Child asks me - cool. Child asks their adult and adult acknowledges - cool. Adult briefly explains something they haven't got a clue about and opens up a dialogue with me - patronising twat and they can just piss off.

You are not a bad parent. A bad parent would not be thinking about it now and trying to work out how to teach their child consideration and good manners.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions and comments. I know that I am not a bad parent. I am constantly reflecting on the things I do and don't do, as well as always trying to keep abreast of child development research. I am also aware of my own child's limitations.

My older child and I frequently have very open and in depth conversations about everything, and our ethos and morals as a family unit are at the basis of that, including firm boundaries.

My younger child just doesn't get it, even though she is almost 4. I should have been more clear about her slight delay in development but thought mentioning it once or twice would be enough.

When we were talking afterwards she seemed bemused and kept saying 'but the lady had no hair', like I hadn't noticed. She actually had no judgement attached to the observation. To her, having no hair wasn't a negative, it was just something she had noticed.

I feel like a lot of the comments have basically been saying that I didn't bollock my daughter enough but I really don't think she understands the nuances of not to say unkind things about someone's appearance, when she didn't actually have any negative feelings about the lady's baldness.

Compounding matters, my daughter absolutely loves to give complements and likes nothing more than to say kind things about someone's hair or shoes etc. When I said that it might have hurt the lady's feeling when she mentioned her bald head, my daughter just didn't understand why. How do you answer that without then projecting your own judgement about female baldness onto a child?

Can I just again explain again that while most 4 year olds that PPs know may be able to understand, my daughter does not, due to not quite being 4 yet and also having some minor delays on top of that. I feel like people aren't believing me on this for some reason.

A PP mentioned that my daughter was pointing and staring. That didn't happen and I dont know where that came from. Anyway thanks again everyone for the different perspectives. Something to be mindful of moving forward.

How do you answer that without then projecting your own judgement about female baldness onto a child?

You explain that personal comments about aspects of appearance are rude outside of people we know well. Even a positive comment might not be well received in some circumstances. She doesn’t need to learn not to comment on baldness, she needs to learn not to pass comment on people full stop.