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Original poster

Insensitive comment on death post caused argument

59 replies

WishIWasSomewhereElse · 27/07/2021 21:53

My dad died last week. He suffered from Kidney Cancer and had a nephrectomy, which recurred, but was controlled by Paz, until he was diagnosed with primary Pancreatic Cancer in March, then all treatment stopped.

He actually died from kidney failure. It was pretty horrific. He went into hospital following a fall, had numerous bicarb infusions to treat severe acidosis, which failed, then treatment stopped. We fought tooth and nail to get him home fast, before he died.

We saw the Funeral Director today and got the date for the funeral, I put it on Facebook as asked by my mum, so people could come.

Someone from the past, but on my friends list, messaged me saying he would like to come but needed accommodation (no way). He then asked when it happened (he could have looked at my past posts - it was there).

He then replied that my dad had a good innings. I was stunned and didn't reply.

OK he was over 70, but he suffered horrifically with the treatments for the KC and with the death of my brother last year. He has spent the last year puking and shitting himself (sorry for TMI).

Someone else called him out and I blocked him. My sister then phoned me up telling me I'd over-reacted by blocking him. She said he wasn't being nasty and it was just a thing people say and I'd taken it the wrong way and he wasn't being nasty. I asked her if one of her friends dads had died would she say that at least they'd lived to a good age? She said "well no...but".

I'm now doubting myself. I don't really care about this person, they're not someone I talk to anyway, but did I over-react?

I can imagine thinking someone lived to a good age, but I wouldn't say it on a someone's personal FB page about the death of their loved one.

Dsis is having her birthday party this weekend, despite dad's death, so maybe she isn't the best barometer of what is right or wrong, but she's cried and I haven't, so maybe I'm just going mad?

OP posts:
Catnuzzle · 27/07/2021 21:56

I don't think they meant it to be offensive but you are allowed to feel and react how you want. Very sorry for you loss Flowers

Spudina · 27/07/2021 21:56

Sorry for your loss OP. The comment was insensitive so soon after your fathers death. I think blocking them is reasonable.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 27/07/2021 21:56

I think the best thing you can do right now is step back from all this.

You're reeling, so is your DSis, you're both - in your different ways - all over the place and struggling to control the controllables.

Try to put this whole incident with the person out of your head. Come off social media and let someone else handle any actually necessary updates. It's really not important. Just let yourself breathe.

I'm really sorry for the loss of your dad.

CookieMumsters · 27/07/2021 22:00

I think its the kind of thing people mindlessly spout when they're trying to make someone feel better. YANBU to be hurt and upset, its all very close and raw, but I also don't think it was said with any malace.

Nerfelite · 27/07/2021 22:03

Everyone reacts differently in these situations. You are entitled to your feelings and to block him if you wanted.

I lost a sibling to.cancer last year. I totally withdrew from social media because I just couldn't stomach the well meaning nonsense from others.

BlueSurfer · 27/07/2021 22:03

I’m so sorry. Flowers

I think some people don’t know what to say so they try and occasionally get it wrong. There are times when we can look back and see that, and appreciate that they made that effort rather than not saying anything and avoiding.

Spindless · 27/07/2021 22:04

I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad OP. Put the FB interraction and the one with your sister out of your mind, and be gentle on yourself x

Original poster
WishIWasSomewhereElse · 27/07/2021 22:07

Thank you, you all make sense. I hate the saying something and getting it wrong though, it is much worse than not saying anything at all. When my youngest died, so many people made cack-handed attempts to say something, that still sting, years later, this has maybe brought it back.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 27/07/2021 22:07

I think the person probably had little or no experience of bereavement, wanted to say something comforting, and had heard people use the phrase “a good innings”, so simply parroted it.
I know you found it upsetting, OP, and I don’t blame you, but I think it came from awkwardness rather than insensitivity or malice.
I found people said the most outrageous things when my DH died at 36, and I found it hard to forgive for years, but it’s best to just try and ignore it.

NotStayingIn · 27/07/2021 22:09

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

In the nicest way possible, I think you did overreact and I think it's a bit unnecessary to make this person feel like shit.

As a PP mentioned, sometimes people find it really hard to know what to say, and sometimes people say something they mean well but it just doesn't land right.

To me, blocking this person who made the effort to reach out and say something - even if what they said was a bit mindless - is an overreaction. I would have ignored it personally.

But you are of course entitled to react how you want. Hope you are ok.

Nextchapterofmybook · 27/07/2021 22:09

Sorry for your loss. People always end up saying awkward and weird things around death - ‘he’s in a better place’ for example when you think I’d rather him here with me.
It might have been insensitive but I’m sure not meant to be and better than those lurkers who never say anything.

Fluffyandsilly · 27/07/2021 22:10

It was a really insensitive thing for that person to say. The only time I could see that even being close to an appropriate phrase to use is perhaps if someone dies peacefully in their sleep in their 90’s.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Galassia · 27/07/2021 22:10

People often feel awkward about what to say in these circumstances and often trot out familiar sayings.

We’ve probably all done it at some time. I’ve often read on here someone posting about the dreadful circumstances they are in and someone will post saying, ‘This too shall pass’ as if the op’s bloody awful life is going to miraculously turn around and be all sunshine and roses!

But there’s usually no malice or nastiness, just a clumsy and detached way of wanting to convey their best wishes.

Unfortunately when we are grieving or suffering it’s all to easy to read these trite sentiments and get upset.

It was insensitive of the person to say good innings but perhaps they don’t know or understand the depth of the suffering in the final months.

Blocking was your instant reaction and you have every right to do so but try not to dwell on it, and sadly it won’t be the last that someone puts their foot in their mouth.

Sorry for your loss.

HellonHeels · 27/07/2021 22:11

I'm so sorry Wish Flowers

You, your DDad and family have had a very hard journey. No one who's been through that would think of it as a "good innings".

You did the right thing blocking him, you need people around you now who will support you and treat you with care. That man clearly isnt one of them (tactless, insensitive - who asks the bereaved to put them up for the funeral!)

Original poster
WishIWasSomewhereElse · 27/07/2021 22:13

@NotStayingIn When my youngest DD died this person said all manner of things that caused me a lot of pain, they never worried about making me feel like shit. They then randomly removed me from their friends list after a few years. I messaged them last year after my Dbro died as I knew they were friendly with them, to tell them, so they then friended me.

OP posts:
Justkeepleft · 27/07/2021 22:14

They set it off on the wrong foot asking for accommodation before anything else.

A the trite line I could have handled if it wasn't set after those stupid questions at such a raw time.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 27/07/2021 22:17

I think saying someone "had a good innings" about someone in their seventies (especially if your DF was early seventies) after a long and painful illness is crass and insensitive. Unfortunately some people do say the most stupid and callous things when someone dies, it seems some people don't know what to say, or the right thing to say, so they come out with ridiculous and hurtful comments. The comments sometimes take your breath away with their cruelty.

Op, I'm glad someone else called this person out and I don't think you were wrong to block them, especially as they are not a friend. You are dealing with enough, you shouldn't have to deal with an idiot like this, I mean asking you to provide accommodation, FGS. Don't give him a second thought.

I'm very sorry for your loss Flowers

Nohomemadecandles · 27/07/2021 22:20

People try to be kind by looking for a "positive". I don't know whether to make you or them feel better. Platitudes are always shit. My husband is the softest puppy about people's feelings but he quite often puts his foot in it but always meaning well. Things don't come across how he means them, somehow.
I can forgive the comment.
Asking to be a house guest is a bit off though. Strange.

Nohomemadecandles · 27/07/2021 22:21

I'm really sorry for your loss, though, OP. Losing a parent is very difficult. Flowers

PineapplePatsy · 27/07/2021 22:21

He sounds very insensitive. Don't give it another thought.

I'm so sorry about your dad, if you're the poster who had a thread last week about the nurse calling I hope he made it homeThanks

Feather12 · 27/07/2021 22:27

I hate the saying something and getting it wrong though, it is much worse than not saying anything at all
I think most people want to have the life (and death) of a person they love to be acknowledged. Yes, he was clumsy, but saying nothing is often far worse. Sorry for your loss.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 27/07/2021 22:27

[quote WishIWasSomewhereElse]@NotStayingIn When my youngest DD died this person said all manner of things that caused me a lot of pain, they never worried about making me feel like shit. They then randomly removed me from their friends list after a few years. I messaged them last year after my Dbro died as I knew they were friendly with them, to tell them, so they then friended me.[/quote]
Oh Op, I'm so sorry for all your losses. From this post it seems clear that this person should be permanently blocked from all your social media accounts. He sounds awful.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/07/2021 22:29

I'm really sorry about your dad, and your DD.

You have had such a tough time with your dad's illness 💔

It's clear from your updates that this person has caused hurt before. So it's understandable that you would react to his comments about your DF.

What he said was insensitive. Sadly, many of us do say insensitive things, even when we mean well.

Step away from social media, as others have said, and be kind to yourself and your DSis. Neither of you are doing anything wrong in how you are grieving. 💐💐

hellywelly3 · 27/07/2021 22:37

Some people just say like a script of condolences when someone dies wether it fits the situation or not. My in-laws are a bit like that, I cringe at some things they say but it’s never said in a nasty way.

saraclara · 27/07/2021 22:40

I hate the saying something and getting it wrong though, it is much worse than not saying anything at all

A lot of people feel the opposite, and find people ignoring or avoiding them to be the worst thing. And this is the problem with bereavement. We're all different, and it makes it even harder for people to know what to say/whether to say anything to us when we lose someone.

When my DH died much too early, there were the people who got it right, the people who tried but obviously felt safest sticking to platitudes, and there were the occasional ones who were clumsy or who got it wrong FOR ME, but what they said might have been right for others.
The thing was that all those people tried. And though I winced a couple of times, I didn't hold it against them at all. It's not like I'm good at expressing condolences myself, even having gone through that.