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Original poster

Has anyone moved grandchildren away from grandparents? GUILT!!

40 replies

winteroversummer · 27/07/2021 08:37

My husband is from down south, I'm from the Midlands. We lived down south for a few years until I fell pregnant, when we moved to the Midlands near my parents. I knew I didn't want to move back down south, DH knew he didn't want to stay in the Midlands, so we chose our university town to move to after a lot of thought. Arrived to our new house at the weekend. It's two hours from both sets of grandparents and we have no family here, but just really really love the city and it feels like a wonderful place for our two young DC to grow up.

However, I'm plagued with guilt! I feel bad for taking the dc away from my parents, as my mum and dad just utterly adore them and see them a few times a week usually. I also can't tell yet, but what do you think is more important? Being in the right place for you, or near family? It's hard, I can't tell yet if I have made a mistake.

OP posts:

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 27/07/2021 08:52

Presumably you had time to consider this between deciding to move and actually doing it, so you must have had conversations with the families. I notice you don’t include your in laws in your feelings.

Two hours isn’t that far and you could still have visits for a day or weekend. Your family won’t just be popping in though. Time will tell if you’ve made a mistake, but you have to give it time to decide that.

HoneysuckIejasmine · 27/07/2021 08:57

My parents live an hour away which means they can come down once a week without too much trouble - the childcare is very helpful. My in laws live 2.5hrs away and we rarely see them in person. If we go to theirs, it's to stay over as it's too far for a round trip in one day.

Consequently my kids have a stronger relationship with my parents, though they still love the in laws and enjoy seeing them of course.

We used to live about 40 mins from the in laws, but we moved. The distance to my parents stayed the same when we moved, just from a different direction. We do feel a bit guilty but we didn't exactly see the in-laws too often anyway, so the quality of life choice from moving was a winner.

HoneysuckIejasmine · 27/07/2021 08:58

(I should add, my parents are retired and my in laws both work very full on jobs, so it's not unexpected that we see them less, irrelevant of distance)

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PeonyTime · 27/07/2021 09:01

We used to live 2.5 hrs away from my parents, 5 hrs from DHs.
We moved 3000 miles away. Now back to the original location.
It takes effort, but of course you can maintain a close relationship. What we've never had is childcare on tap, so weve never missed it.

thunderandsunshine01 · 27/07/2021 09:02

I personally couldn’t live 2 hours away from my mum. I love the close bond that my children have with her and to be honest, the emotional support from having my immediate family near by outweighs my dislike for the town we currently live in. Luckily my partner is from the same area, but even before kids I would make my stance on the matter clear to anyone I dated from further afield.

As PP said, what are your in laws thoughts on the matter? As this I guess could be the reason you’ve met halfway?

Panickingpavlova · 27/07/2021 09:16

How old are you your dc?
As they get older and have play dates and their own social life developers they naturally see less of gp anyway..

FittedSheet · 27/07/2021 09:22

Honestly, patents’ location would never occur to me as something to take into account when deciding where to live. But I’ve not lived in my home country since my early 20s. DS has still had a close relationship and, to an extent, with DH’s (older, deafer) parents.

brittleheadgirl · 27/07/2021 09:26

I moved to be nearer my parents once I had dc and have honestly never regretted it.
I left a city I absolutely loved, for no other reason than to ensure my dc had my parents close by as they grew up.
My dc are now 20 and 16 and the relationship they have with my parents is wonderful to see.
Its very different to the lovely relationship I had with my own grandparents, who we saw often but as they lived over 2 hours away, they were never part of our day to day lives.
My parents are just a massive part of my dcs lives, they've always been around for school stuff, birthdays but crucially I've loved the 'just popping in' element of being local to them.
They still regularly go and stay with them overnight, often very last minute and it was something they all missed during lockdown.

Everyone is different though, I have friends who would hate my set up, I'm very close to my parents and see them very regularly but other people seem happier with more infrequent contact?

Flittingaboutagain · 27/07/2021 09:30

I grew up seeing my grandparents a couple of times a week including a Sunday roast most weeks. My grandparents would pick us up from school sometimes, come to all plays etc, take us to clubs and were a huge part of my happy and loving childhood memories. I can't imagine deliberately not giving this to my own children (unless unavoidable).

Flittingaboutagain · 27/07/2021 09:31

I should add I sold up and relocated purely to be close to family once pregnant so they can have what I had. So I am obviously biased.

5475878237NC · 27/07/2021 09:33

I personally think it's important to be near family but presumably you've thought it all through already

Re PP. I didn't see less of my grandparents as a teen we see still had family meals etc so it is more about what family set up you have and want.

Sprig1 · 27/07/2021 09:34

2hrs is fine, it's not that far. Much better that you live somewhere that works for you.

AuntieMarys · 27/07/2021 09:37

I always lived 250 miles away from my dad and 100 from inlaws. They saw the children about 3 times a year and these were the days before Zoom, facetious etc back in the 90s. No one knew any different.
My dad died when they were under 5 and h didn't have a relationship with his parents.
All my grandparents were dead before I was 6.

MalFunkshun · 27/07/2021 09:38

It largely depends on your relationships with your parents and in-laws. We moved out of London and away from family for affordability/ quality of life reasons and honestly haven’t looked back. The space we got, the amenities nearby and the additional disposable income mean we have a much better lifestyle here.

But - neither of us are that close to our parents and neither set offered much practical help when we lived closer. So yes, we’ve had to pay for wraparound childcare etc, but I think we would have done anyway. In my view, if the grandparents really want a relationship with their GC, they’ll make the effort to visit regularly or have them down to stay. If they’re not willing to do that, I’d rather know that early so my kids can set their expectations accordingly.

We do take them down for visits, but are planning to pull back a little as GPs are retired and in good health, able to travel the world, but have only managed the 2hr journey here twice our kids have adapted to the new normal and are absolutely fine with it.

MaryBoBary · 27/07/2021 09:39

We did this, moved away when Das was nearly 3 after a very close relationship with one set of grandparents. It was tough on all of us but is what we needed to do as a family. T

soberfabulous · 27/07/2021 09:42

I live overseas and a 17 hour journey from my parents, DD's grandparents.

She was born here, we didn't move her, but it's still a significant distance!

2 hours is a dream.

What I would say is my parents come for maybe a month at a time to visit and they spend so much quality time with DD. I actually think they see her more overall than they would if we lived in the UK.

I understand the guilt but you are allowed to live your life on your terms.

brittleheadgirl · 27/07/2021 09:45

@5475878237NC

I personally think it's important to be near family but presumably you've thought it all through already

Re PP. I didn't see less of my grandparents as a teen we see still had family meals etc so it is more about what family set up you have and want.

Totally agree, the relationship my two have with my parents has actually deepened as they've hit their teens and they still love spending time with their grandparents and happily go out for meals etc

CMOTDibbler · 27/07/2021 09:50

We have never lived close to any family. Its fine - we have lives of our own and don't get caught up in needing to be round peoples houses all the time.
For various reasons, neither set of grandparents were very involved, but my ds had a lovely relationship with my dad in spite of distance and not communicating between visits

SometimesIFeedTheSparrows · 27/07/2021 09:51

My DF is just under an hour away and is happy to pop over for the afternoon or meet half way or whatever.

My PIL are 2.5 hours away on a seemingly one way motorway. They got rid of their spare room when DC1 was about a year old so no more overnights for us, we were expected to do the journey in a day, get there and not leave the living room which means they got bored kids which have slept in the car on the way there and wanted to at the very least play in the garden but that was frowned upon as we had come to see them, not have a good time When they came here it was for at least a week because it wasn't worth making the trip just for the day

Now DH takes a child at a time to see PIL and they speak on the phone weekly for a few minutes but it's a very different relationship to the one they have with my dad because they do stuff together, he's interested in what they are up to and they face time - he can happily talk to them on the phone for an hour at a time. PIL wouldn't be able to hold a conversation with them for that length of time. It's far more about effort than distance.

NeedNewKnees · 27/07/2021 09:52

2 hours is easy - that how far away we are but the children have a very close relationship with their grandparents. It’s about how much effort people put into it.

Bibidy · 27/07/2021 09:54

I don't think there's a right or wrong, it's just a change.

Personally I'd prefer to be close to my parents if possible as I prefer to keep visits casual, I wouldn't want to have to arrange something for the day every time we see them, or have to get my DP to agree to going to stay with them/having them come to us.

But it sounds like the town you've moved to is familiar to you both and a great place, so it could be worth it :) In any case, it sounds like you will still make a lot of effort with your parents.

LindaEllen · 27/07/2021 09:59

It definitely impacts on the relationship between grandparents and grandkids. I live 10 minutes from my maternal grandparents and have always been super close as we saw them several times a week as kids (they looked after us) and still often - though not quite as much - as adults.

The paternal grandparents on the other hand moved 4.5 hours away two years before I was born, so it was very much a case of going to stay for a week once a year, with them very very occasionally coming to us - think twice in my lifetime. They sent cards on birthdays and at Christmas, but they always remained kind of awkward strangers. When my grandad died a couple of years ago in his 90s I didn't really feel anything, as awful as that sounds, but I know I will be heartbroken when my maternal grandparents pass away. Honestly, it's a bit easier these days with video calling and instant messaging etc, but my grandparents were just like strangers due to the distance.

ladyvimes · 27/07/2021 09:59

We live very near my parents and 5hours away from Dh’s. My parents see my children a few times a week and help out with childcare. We stay with my husbands family about 6 times a year and the children adore his parents. They have just as close a bond. We also FaceTime them a couple of times a week. Our time with the in-laws is always really special. I think it’s about what you do when you’re together rather than the amount of time and it definitely can work, although my dh does miss his parents and would love to move closer.

Shmithecat2 · 27/07/2021 10:02

It's fine. DH, DS and I live in Saudi, my dad was in Spain and my mum was in the UK. DS has a glorious relationship with all of them.

MonsterJammin · 27/07/2021 10:30

There's no way we could do this, to the GPs or DCs. They all adore each other and see them at least once a week (childcare) and probably one further visit per week so DH and I can see parents/in laws too rather than just rushing to/from work.

I had the same relationship with both sets of grandparents growing up and feel lucky to have had that. For us, it's more important to have family nearby. But it's maybe easier to say that as there's nowhere we'd particularly want to move anyway as DH and I both grew up in this city, went to uni here and it's good for our jobs (Glasgow and suburbs basically).

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