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Original poster

Has anyone moved grandchildren away from grandparents? GUILT!!

40 replies

winteroversummer · 27/07/2021 08:37

My husband is from down south, I'm from the Midlands. We lived down south for a few years until I fell pregnant, when we moved to the Midlands near my parents. I knew I didn't want to move back down south, DH knew he didn't want to stay in the Midlands, so we chose our university town to move to after a lot of thought. Arrived to our new house at the weekend. It's two hours from both sets of grandparents and we have no family here, but just really really love the city and it feels like a wonderful place for our two young DC to grow up.

However, I'm plagued with guilt! I feel bad for taking the dc away from my parents, as my mum and dad just utterly adore them and see them a few times a week usually. I also can't tell yet, but what do you think is more important? Being in the right place for you, or near family? It's hard, I can't tell yet if I have made a mistake.

OP posts:
Hothammock · 27/07/2021 10:30

You have to do what you have to do. I'm sure you have made the right decision.
We stayed in a city so we would be closer to parents. Mine then moved 7 hours away. And my in laws rarely visit and don't do anything at all with the kid, not even a day trip. We wish we had just chosen where we wanted to live and not tried to organise things around them. So from my experience I would prioritise where you live and proximity to relatives is a factor in that but not the only one by any means.

meetthewildes · 27/07/2021 10:55

We moved two hours away, two years ago. The children were devastated initially - they absolutely adore my mum. But the quality of life here has been so much better for them and it's absolutely worth it overall; they have so many opportunities here that they would never have had in our previous town. We focused really hard on building a community for the children and they are utterly settled now with lots of local connections, places at an excellent school and weekends that are all booked up with enriching activities and beautiful places to explore. We see my mum every six weeks or so and speak with her regularly, and I think that overall, we are so much happier now in spite of the distance from a very beloved grandma.

NiceTwin · 27/07/2021 11:00

We have never lived near grandparents, each set live 2.5 hours in opposite directions to each other.
Consequently, my dc barely know their surviving gp's, my parent's. We visit once a year, they never visit me.
When we all get together as a family, it saddens me a little when I see my Mum is very close to her other grandchildren. It is only fleeting though and I breathe a sigh of relief when we leave Grin

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PiggyPlumPie · 27/07/2021 11:06

We moved from the Midlands to NE Scotland when my DC were 7,5 and 2. 16 years on and my DC have a brilliant relationship with my DP because they have made an effort to keep in touch with the DC as much as we have made an effort with them.

My PIL were never as interested in what the DC were up to and rarely spoke to them so they don't have such a close relationship.

My eldest will go on the train to stay with my DP for a week on her own but wouldn't go to PILs.

What I am trying to say is that with a bit of effort, the kids can have a great relationship with grandparents even at a distance.

BusyLizzie61 · 27/07/2021 11:16

@winteroversummer

My husband is from down south, I'm from the Midlands. We lived down south for a few years until I fell pregnant, when we moved to the Midlands near my parents. I knew I didn't want to move back down south, DH knew he didn't want to stay in the Midlands, so we chose our university town to move to after a lot of thought. Arrived to our new house at the weekend. It's two hours from both sets of grandparents and we have no family here, but just really really love the city and it feels like a wonderful place for our two young DC to grow up.

However, I'm plagued with guilt! I feel bad for taking the dc away from my parents, as my mum and dad just utterly adore them and see them a few times a week usually. I also can't tell yet, but what do you think is more important? Being in the right place for you, or near family? It's hard, I can't tell yet if I have made a mistake.

For me, family every time!
Getyourjab · 27/07/2021 11:20

We did this when kids were primary and nursery age. The children all uni age now. You’ll never know what might have been had you stayed, but looking back I know we broke our parents’ hearts, though they didn’t say anything at the time. I do feel the kids missed out on that close bond that had developed from just being involved in the little things in their day to day lives, or popping round for half an hour and sense of a day to day extended family.
We still saw plenty of them, but it was organised in advance , not ad hoc little and often contact, so just different.

Chipsahoy · 27/07/2021 11:36

My dc are very close to their grandparents who live thousands of miles away in the USA.

My favourite grandparent was the one who lived three hours away.

Relationships are what you make them.
Also shocked that people are finding 2 hours too far for a day trip!

99victoria · 27/07/2021 11:37

When I had my kids I lived over 2 hours from my parents and my in-laws. We probably saw them both once every couple of months for the weekend - one set one month, one set the next. They did have a close relationship with my kids but .....
We are less than 30 min drive from our grandchildren. We do childcare one day a week and usually see them on at least one other occasion during the week. The relationship we have with our grandchildren is completely different from the relationship my kids had with their grandparents because we are part of their day-to-day lives.

Your parents' relationship with your children will change, I don't think there is any way to avoid that. They can still have a great, close relationship but it will be different.

woodfort · 27/07/2021 11:40

We live 4-5 hours away from both my parents and DH’s parents.

I wouldn’t want to live near either set as they aren’t the best places to live for many reasons. It might be nicer to live a bit closer though as obviously that distance is too far for a day trip.

My DC have a decent relationship with both sets but not babysitting or sleepovers level.

99victoria · 27/07/2021 11:41

Just to add, we moved to be nearer our grandchildren. We lived in a place we loved (I had moved there after meeting my OH) but when my daughter told us she was pregnant we had a long discussion about whether to move 'back' to my home city. All 3 of my children live there.
We decided we would.

In many ways I still miss the place we used to live in but I have no regrets. For me it was definitely more important to have the people I love near to me than to live in a beautiful place.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/07/2021 11:48

I’d never move that far from my mum but she moved a 12 hour flight from her parents, who’d done the opposite move from theirs. So we have a history of doing it but I wouldn’t. She’s incredibly close to my DD, we chat every day and see her once or twice a week and I wouldn’t give that up for anything.

99victoria · 27/07/2021 11:59

Also, I think the last 18 months has further validated our decision. In the first lockdown, we were able to form a bubble with our single daughter (she moved in for a few weeks) and were able to do window visits with our grandchildren and as soon as we were allowed to meet outside we were able to go for walks together and meet regularly outside. We went back to doing childcare in May 2020 when my (teacher) daughter had to go back into school to work her normal hours.
Many of my friends have children who live in London (we're in the south) so weren't able to see them for months on end. We were able to keep things pretty much normal for our grandchildren which has been a real blessing for them.

LuvMyBubbles · 27/07/2021 12:01

Live your life. Parents can visit.

PugInTheHouse · 27/07/2021 13:01

For me I would choose family every time and wouldn't even consider moving. Presumably you thought about this before you moved though? Your reasons for moving must have been more important to you than staying near family so I am not sure you need to feel guilty. Just ensure you make the effort to keep the relationship with the GC/GPs by visiting and including them.

This isn't helpful to you but I know my parents would be devastated, I imagine they would actually move with us TBH. Their friend's DCs/GCs moved to Australia and they ended up moving out there too as they were so miserable here without them.

MattyGroves · 27/07/2021 13:51

It never occurred to me to consider where my parents or in laws live when deciding where we live.

The idea of having my parents in and out of my house all the time is kind of horrifying, I like to have some space.

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