I can’t fucking keep up with it all

[Williesfillies]

Single mum to 3, two under 10.
Mid acrimonious divorce.
Working P/T but about to start more hours (33 hours)

I’m falling so behind. Exh is abusive so any help I asked for would be used against me in the custody battle I am now waiting for.

Currently I’m mid way through doing my Form E, mostly done but still got to print a years bank statements and tidy the form up. I have palpitations when I think of the looming court dates and how I will square up needing the time off with work, plus the money to do it.

It’s summer holidays, as I work term time I am off with all the kids. On top of my endless divorce stuff I have to entertain all the kids endlessly.
Once summer is over I go back doing more hours. I can’t keep up as it is at home, but I need more income desperately.

House is a hole, I clean a lot, but the kids wreck it within minutes. It’s rented and it just depresses me. It needs redecorating but Landlord will only allow Magnolia, which I hate and he’s not going to get it done.

Kids won’t stop squabbling. They just won’t. From the minute they get up to when they go to bed they don’t let up. We can’t even go somewhere without the squabbling going on.

I can’t stay asleep. I sit up late trying to unwind, yet I’m always awake at 5. I wake up tired because I need more sleep. I just want sometimes to lay in bed for the day.

The constant “mum, mum, mum” I can’t bear it anymore. The children have a troubled relationship with their dad and don’t go to him overnight, so really it’s 24/7.

I used to be so organised, but the list of things to do, it’s just getting longer and longer and longer and I can’t seem to get anything done.

I did a massive amount of Form A paperwork, then along comes the Form E and all the stuff I need to sort out for that and just everywhere I look nothing is complete.

I can’t afford a cleaner/ironing lady/nanny etc, it’s all down to me. Every bit of it.

I feel like I’m drowning. Literally drowning.

I’m no longer fun mum, I’m a miserable, tired bitch who has a face on and moans at everyone all the time.

I’ve lost my lightheartedness and fun and my life is such a slog now.

I'm sorry you're going through that OP! I don't have much advice on the divorce side because I've never been married but I am a single mum to 3 DC and I know how stressful it is!

Giving you a handhold

There's a thread currently running, about parental leave. Could you use that?

Also, if you are, or have been, entitled to FSM, you could be eligible for some free clubs over the school holiday. My DS is going to one, just from 10-2, but that would give you a couple of hours to tidy up/do some paper work/rest.

(I'm just trying to think of some practical 'solutions' off the top of my head).

I earn too much for FSM and I work in a school so you can only take the odd day.
I will ask for the dates off for court, but it’s a new job so I’m worried how it’s going to look.

I overthink everything as well. I can’t take it as it comes, I have to run every possible scenario through my head and as soon as I wake up my mind is going at 90 mph

Also with everything going on the children have got so clingy. I understand it, but they won’t go to stay at my mums, they won’t want to go to clubs, I’m having tears over the fact next term they will need to go into some after school clubs so I can work.

I’m failing everyone.

You need a to do list - look at one in your phone so you can prioritize and add/take things off.

I would also attempt to get the kids to help - 4 cleaning the house for 20 mins is easier than you alone - throw on some music and make it fun.

Yes look for free summer holiday stuff - I used to print a 6 week calendar - throw in a library visit, park, walk in the woods, throw a garden party with chalks and water play - friends bring a dish to share the cost. etc and break up the week.

I also used to have a day off housework where we literally got dressed and I did Lucy etc - it can wait! Doesn’t take any extra time the next day.

You are not failing anyone... you've got yourself and your DC away from an awful man which is going to be fucking awful to start but will lead to such peace.

It feels (and sounds) overwhelming and I wish you nothing but strength - but you've done the right thing

That sounds rough. You have 3 kids. Therefore you have minions. They can help you out with set chores (keeping their room tidy, laundry, washing up, whatever) in exchange for something they want. Screen time? Sit them down and tell them that this is your holiday too. Take something away for repeated bickering until they get the point.
Finally, it’s ok not to be out doing “stuff” everyday. Sure plan some cheap days if you can. I was raised the 80s. I wasn’t taken out for most days in the school holidays, it just wasn’t as common? Most of the time, I played with friends. It’s good to let them learn how to manage their own boredom.
Hope your summer goes ok.

@SanFranBear

You are not failing anyone... you've got yourself and your DC away from an awful man which is going to be fucking awful to start but will lead to such peace.

It feels (and sounds) overwhelming and I wish you nothing but strength - but you've done the right thing

Absolutely this!

Does your library run any reading competitions? Do any of the DC have a friend they could go to play with for a morning? Do they play better if they have a friend over each? Does the council run a playscheme? Can the eldest help with some chores (in fact, they all could?). Reward charts for chores?

I feel when their dad sees them they do fun expensive stuff. I know it’s so he can “win” but here’s me being moody and making them polish and put clothes away (they do have to help a reasonable bit) and there’s him with days off at the beach……

They do have friends that could come over, but this is a v small house, we are already bursting at the seams, their rooms are tiny and they are sharing so there’s just no where they can go.
Also, I then have even more children to look after!

I try to arrange meeting up with people etc, so we are doing stuff, but I’m ending up sitting up later and later to catch up on things.

The divorce is stressing me so much, he stresses me so much, I’m just waiting for the next thing that hits my inbox that means I have yet more to do

Oh bloody hell. What a nightmare.

Is your mum actually any help? Ok they won't go to her but could she come to yours and deal with the kids while you go out and get a break for a bit - or even while you go to her house and sleep for a night? My mum and I did this kind of house swap for one weekend and it was amazing.

As a single parent I know I need my son's friends parents very much. I just do. And most parents are pretty good about it, though I've seen some chippy threads on here which upset me... best not to go there. Just to know there's the occasional playdate coming up helps.

TBH let your ex give them the fun days. Anything, if he'll take them!

Yes my mum tries really hard to help. And she does (in her own way) she will come and do ironing for me, or clean up etc.

House is a mess by my standards, but not other peoples, but so much needs doing, I need a new settee, I’m going to have to get someone in to do the garden as landlord loves shrubs and shit, but doesn’t want to pay anyone to care for it, so every summer after the rain the garden explodes and I’m there with pruning scissors trying to cut it back.

It’s just. Everything.

I don’t even know why I’m mentioning the garden. I just keep looking at it and being filled with such rage because I cut it all back two weeks ago, and it’s just overgrown again with the rain

Really feel for you. Many of us are only just hanging on to the raft as the white water of clutter and crap and shit to do lists boils underneath us. The ones who look tremendously organised without help may be so but there's not all that many of them IMO.

I used to be organised. I was great at it.
But the divorce and the paperwork and the worry of it are all consuming.

Sometimes I sit for 5 minutes and start thinking about it and suddenly two hours are passed and I was worrying and procrastinating for all of it!!

Oh no!! Is your lawyer any good? Or are you trying to keep contact to a minimum due to costs?

She’s good, but I’ve asked to do as much myself as possible as costs will be ridiculous

The admin for the divorce process is awful, I know. It sounds as if that’s the straw that’s breaking things for you, amid the normal relentlessness of single parenting in the summer holidays.

Having been there, I’d say:

1. You need a sense of achievement of having done 1 thing. Just one. There was a thread on here a while ago about ‘1 project a day.’. Suggest looking that up and selecting one thing to do each day. Next page on form E. replacing a light bulb. Not more than one. It helps ease the feeling of drowning massively and you start to get a sense of control back.

1. Once you’re through form E the admin burden lifts loads. Prioritise that - maybe your project could be print out 2 bank statements a day for 6 days? - and then you’ll be clear of the additional load.

1. You need some headspace. Early morning coffee not doing anything, not allowing yourself to think about what needs to be done? Your mum watches them for an house while you go to a cafe? Anything to give you an hour’s peace in which you don’t do anything.

@Walkingwounded

That’s a good idea over the Form E/Bank statements. I do tend to go at it 90 to the dozen, try to do it all in one day then realise it’s not possible, then realise I’ve done nothing else either so now behind everywhere else.

I can order statements from the bank. I may have to pay but I think that’s a massive workload off my shoulders. Then I know that’s being done.

I need to re do a few pages of the Form E, where I’ve crossed out etc, so I might do that tonight.

They want a rough draft in by early August, so I have done loads, my CETVs are all ordered etc.

Tomorrow i will try to arrange a price to sort out this garden, another massive job.

I just feel like these extra massive bits of paperwork are just one bit too much iygwim?

Yes, that's exactly it. You're already close to being overwhelmed with the normal summer hols stress, and the extra paperwork pushes you over the edge.

Don't aim too high. You need a sense of achievement, not failure. Maybe decide to re-do 2 pages of Form E tonight. If you manage to do more, great, but if you can't, then you've met the target and done well.

If the kids won't leave you to go to your mums, can your mum come over and you leave to go hers away from the kids so you can have a breather and crack on with the paperwork in peace? Xx

Yes, my mum would come over. I think I might ask her to come and stay for a few days to play with them while I do all this, she will also help to tidy up and do ironing 👍

I think if I can get this form sent in over the next 10 days I will feel a huge weight lift off of me really

It sounds like you’re doing your best under very difficult circumstances. Ask your mum to come and help you one day with the childcare at yours to let you get on with the house. Maybe when they’re with ex she would come over and help you get on top of things?
Make a point of getting out daily. Either a morning at home then afternoon out or vice versa. Even just to the park/library/wood, getting out makes a difference.

You need to prioritise your tasks, only do the most important, and then let yourself off the hook. Staying up late to get everything done is a strategy that may have worked for you in the past, but now as a single parent to three you are going to have to pace yourself more than that. If you are unsure how to prioritise, the golden rule I have learnt myself and from other single parents is to prioritise sleep above all things. Giving myself permission to rest and sleep even when the to do list was full has been a big shift for me, it doesn't make me happy going to sleep with dishes in the sink but staying up until 1am to get the housework done was destroying me. I think you have to view it as a rolling list not something you will ever finish. I don't expect to get to the end of the list and I know there always be some area of my life which I need to do better in, that's because as a working single parent to lots of kids there is just too much for one person. It's impossible to do it all perfectly. It sounds like you need to lower your standards a bit and cut yourself some slack.

So bushes and Hedges..... you’re not supposed to trim until September in case there are nesting birds..... so de-prioritise the job down the list. Also if you know someone with a hedge trimmer I’m sure they’d come a help and the kids can bag it up/ pop it in the right bin etc. My DH used to do a neighbours hedge for him when he was too elderly to be doing it himself.

Sometimes galling though it maybe it is okay not to be superwoman! It is ok to ask for help from friends and family. Life is really hard right now, you don’t need to have a perfect summer holiday - this year just “survive” it maybe?