I can’t fucking keep up with it all

[Williesfillies]

Single mum to 3, two under 10.
Mid acrimonious divorce.
Working P/T but about to start more hours (33 hours)

I’m falling so behind. Exh is abusive so any help I asked for would be used against me in the custody battle I am now waiting for.

Currently I’m mid way through doing my Form E, mostly done but still got to print a years bank statements and tidy the form up. I have palpitations when I think of the looming court dates and how I will square up needing the time off with work, plus the money to do it.

It’s summer holidays, as I work term time I am off with all the kids. On top of my endless divorce stuff I have to entertain all the kids endlessly.
Once summer is over I go back doing more hours. I can’t keep up as it is at home, but I need more income desperately.

House is a hole, I clean a lot, but the kids wreck it within minutes. It’s rented and it just depresses me. It needs redecorating but Landlord will only allow Magnolia, which I hate and he’s not going to get it done.

Kids won’t stop squabbling. They just won’t. From the minute they get up to when they go to bed they don’t let up. We can’t even go somewhere without the squabbling going on.

I can’t stay asleep. I sit up late trying to unwind, yet I’m always awake at 5. I wake up tired because I need more sleep. I just want sometimes to lay in bed for the day.

The constant “mum, mum, mum” I can’t bear it anymore. The children have a troubled relationship with their dad and don’t go to him overnight, so really it’s 24/7.

I used to be so organised, but the list of things to do, it’s just getting longer and longer and longer and I can’t seem to get anything done.

I did a massive amount of Form A paperwork, then along comes the Form E and all the stuff I need to sort out for that and just everywhere I look nothing is complete.

I can’t afford a cleaner/ironing lady/nanny etc, it’s all down to me. Every bit of it.

I feel like I’m drowning. Literally drowning.

I’m no longer fun mum, I’m a miserable, tired bitch who has a face on and moans at everyone all the time.

I’ve lost my lightheartedness and fun and my life is such a slog now.

Can't you send your solicitor digital copies of your bank statements? Just download them to your laptop/PC, label them with the date and send the whole lot over as an attachment? Much simpler than faffing around printing them.

The bank are now sending me paper copies, so that’s a lot better as each statement is about 3-4 pages long, I need 12 and the printer is super slow so it’s a long job.

Will leave the hedges. I have a strimmer so I can at least do the grass (again, poxy rain) but I think Form E is the priority right now

Hi OP, you are me last year. Marriage split, set up a new business which is regulated and requires insane amount of paperwork, home schooling, kids battering each other and left to go feral and sorting out financial affairs.

Honestly there is an end date to feeling like this. I'm just coming out the other side. Really try to look after yourself as anxiety and depression will sneak in. Reach out to your friends for support and try and get out of the house as much as possible.

You can't do everything. My house went to shit last year and im just getting ready to decorate and buy a new couch as the kids ruined it all last year.

In regards to cleaning - well I do a proper clean on a Sunday and the rest of the week I just tidy.

But my main advice is to look after yourself before you burn out.

@gorginabambina you are right.

I look at myself and I look like shit, I imagine when people see me they say “there’s a woman with the weight of the world on her shoulders” because that’s how I must look.

My brain just doesn’t shut off!

I am bloody tired, but I’ve used the last couple of hours lying awake to crack on with some stuff I need to do, so bank statements ordered, few other bits sorted out, in the hopes I can just get the children out.

I tend to get so absorbed in what I need to do that I don’t realise hours have passed and they are bored entertaining themselves.

I am really anal and used to being on top of stuff, I hate things being outstanding, but I’m reaching a point I can’t physically keep up with it!

You might consider using the Eisenhower Matrix, which makes it easier to put together a plan of attack.

OP, I would not worry what other people think. Most are too absorbed in their own worries to even consider your appearance. But even if they judge, it says more about them than it does about you.

As for your overwhelming todo list, I think you need to slack the standards on cleanliness a little, as I get the impression you are just too hard on yourself and not a messy person at all.

As for children, actually doing something productive, even if it's not what they like doing will make them feel like they earned their lesisure time. Do not feel guilty about your husband buying their affection with indolence and gifts. It won't make them happier overall. Your approach actually provides them with the skills and habits that will set them up for life. Even if they complain in the moment they'll thank you for it later.

Surely kids are big enough to help with some stuff around the house?

Looks like you’re mental load is too much.

Eisenhower matrix sounds great, there’s some stuff that has to be done,some that can wait till later and some not important.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help friends and family. People are more than happy to help if you’re specific enough.

Good luck OP,you’ll get through that 🙂

They do help, they help to clean and they put washing and shopping away.
I think I’m just so mentally distracted that I can’t focus, so might go out to make a cuppa and next thing I’m cleaning the fridge. I go round like a whirling dervish half the time.

I’m knackered. I’d love to sleep until 7, I’m not designed to wake up so early, but unless I’m in bed by 8 I don’t get the sleep I need.

I’m worried over a custody battle that is coming with ex whether I like it or not and I can’t find any peace in my mind

sympathies OP you have a lot on your plate.

Just a small suggestion to add to others - can you get them outdoors more? is there anywhere you can go for a few hours most days where they - and you - can let off steam, burn some energy - water pistols, play chase, whatever. Take lunch and have a picnic which means no lunch mess at your house?

Hang in there

Gosh OP, this all sounds awful and so stressful. Very unmumsnetty hugs to you

You've had loads of good advice already. I've just two things to add:

1. The garden. Surely it's not your responsibility to pay for maintenance? If it is, then I'd speak to landlord and say "these hedges are ridiculous, I'm replacing them as too high maintenance". If he objects, then he needs to pay for maintenance. Can't have it both ways. Do you let through an agent? Could you speak to them if he's being obstructive?

2. Not sure if this is your thing, but I want to suggest meditation, to help you learn to settle your mind. It's not going to make your stresses go away, but it could be a sustainable way of learning to deal with them. There's a great saying, "Everyone should meditate for 15 minutes a day. Those who don't have the time for this should meditate for an hour a day". I think it really applies in your situation. Can recommend the Headspace app, just listen for 5-10 mins in bed before even getting up to have a little bit of quiet and learn an effective stress management skill.

Take care - I hope things get easier for you soon.

@TrueRefuge the landlord did come last year and did a bit of cutting and he did get someone in to prune a couple of enormous trees, but it’s not ongoing. I have told him the garden (and his bushes) are being over run with this word bindweed stuff that’s very prevalent round here. I spend ages unpicking the stuff otherwise the garden would be over run with it.

I did think of meditation. I was going to get the calm app, but I’m not very good at just being I think my mind will keep running off with itself.

Is there an app I can try for that kind of thing?

Sorry, just seen the Headspace app, that’s me reading too fast!!

I will have a look at that x

I was the same with my acrimonious divorce, drowning in the horrors of the Form E and 3 under 7 to care for - I remember it being so all-consuming.

One thing that helped me on days when I felt overwhelmed was to get up earlier, when kids are still asleep, have a cup of tea and notebook in hand, and go through all of my emails/divorce correspondence etc and create a really detailed to do list - e.g:

1. Print pages 3-6 of Form E
2. Order 2021 statements
3. File away 10 papers from the stack
4. Draft email to A about B (brain dump everything in there)
5. Send email to A about B

Then I could tackle the list one by one with my brain switched off as they were small, limited tasks. This way I could rattle through a few of them even when I was tired or distracted.

If you did a list of 10 things per day, and really break these down, this might help to free up some time for a quick walk/trip to the park so you all get some air, then you can tackle a few more off the list when you are back. If you can set up a routine like this that works that might be enough to instil a feeling of control again.

You will get to the other side though.

Oh love, I so feel for you. This shitstorm will pass 💚💚💚

Just remember you have done a great thing by divorcing a bad man.

You're finding your feet now and it is a s**t storm. That is to be expected. But everyone and everything will slowly settle down and get better. Won't be overnight but it will.

You can only do what you can do. Instead of "tidy the house" break it down into small jobs. You can't tidy a house in one go. Maybe one room.

Re squabbling kids I hear you. It is painful. But all kids do it ... so at least don't blame yourself for it. They'd be squabbling if they had had parents with the best marriage in the world and the most stable domestic lives in the world. Be realistic in your expectations. Don't allow them to bully or fight. But expect squabbling. It will be better when they are back at school maybe? See if there's anyway you can spend 30 mins one on one time with each of them alone, perhaps while the other two watch TV/go online? It can help them feel settled inside.

Hi you are not failing. Life is rough at the moment but you have 3 children alive and well, a home and a good job. You are a success.
So I get you totally- not in same position but once in ft work I was overwhelmed with kid stuff too.

So my advice, write a chores list as a scavenger hunt or time challenge each kid has to do depending on age-

• pick up 4 pieces of clothing
• dust living room
• make own lunches and tidy away
• washing

Mine are 7 & 5 and we do this. I reward with whatever works- a sweet, a game, a sticker..... I do behaviour/challenge charts(printed off internet) and put chores on it they must do to get a sticker that day- stickers all week= a weekend reward- milkshake/pound shop toy etc. With 3 kids they should be doing a good amount of chores between them so not all you. The other thing we are in process of it decluttering g-they share room and stuff everywhere so no more. 3 boxes/bags, keep, give away, bin. Then they have to put keep stuff away or it becomes give away.... I also collect any stray stuff and put in bag in garage until asked for it.

We go out everyday for my sanity- ever just park or town library etc, then do a film or tablet time too.... again for my sanity rather than them!!

Try to give yourself a break, get your mum to help. Try to do something for you- haircut, yoga whatever is your thing. If possible do a playdate with kids friends then they can reciprocate. Or a half day kids club?

Sounds like you need to go somewhere alone to tackle your Form E as that will be a great big load of admin off your plate and your mind. Are you able to get someone to housesit with your kids so you can go to the local library for a morning or afternoon? Use photocopiers there?

Once that's out of the way and not hanging over you, you may feel better placed to get on top of other stuff.

Divorces are horrendous and it is literally one day at a time to get through it, especially the paperwork. Good luck Op.

Basic gardening is surely your responsibility? It will be written into your leasehold. You don’t expect the landlord to come and hoover for you, do you? It’s basic maintenance.

Otherwise - with form E you have my sympathy. I’ve been through it. All I can say is I filled mine in to the last detail. My ex put just a couple of rough figures and he came away with loads of money from me! Just put what you can.

It all sounds really tough at the moment OP but it will pass. To be honest, right now I'd be sending the kids to your mum. I don't care if they 'don't want to go'. Tough! They need to learn to stop squabbling - you need a break. Pack them up and send them off! Your mum is happy to help. They'll be safe and cared for. You get a day or two child free so your brain can unscramble!

@TorringtonDean I do basic gardening, I cut grass and trim things, but this garden has two large trees, which have sprouted smaller trees, the rose bushes were “rose trees” when I came, they are literally 10 foot high, grow across the garden and are lethal. I’m having to cut all of those back.
Lots of whatever he had had died before I came so there are large amounts of very thick dead branches, through which bramble bushes have been allowed to grow.
The whole garden is full of bindweed.

When I moved in he left no gardening equipment, I had to request a lawnmower, and a neighbour lent me a strimmer. I’ve had to buy things to prune bushes.

Ditto the front garden which is also over run.

It took me two days recently to remove the bind weed and cut it all back, this was from the sun coming out.
Now we’ve had loads of rain and it’s done it again,

For a rental house the expectation in the garden is excessive.

I took the kids out today, then for two hours I have sat and filled it in online.
Apart from CETV and the fact I’m waiting on another payslip to come it is nearly done.
I will give it a couple of days and then send it to Solicitor to look over and make adjustments to.

Well done OP.
I was you ten years ago - at my lowest ebb, and along came Form E to push me over the edge. I took two days off work and just cracked on with it whilst the kids were at school - my god the relief when it was done and dusted. I really empathise with you. And I know this sounds trite, but you are doing bloody well. You might not be doing everything to your usual high standards - but you're bringing up three kids, feeding them, caring for them, doing loads of paperwork - amazing.
Don't under estimate how strong you are. Cut yourself some slack - be a bit ruthless - stuff that can wait - let it wait - reach out and ask for help (I didn't do that, I so wish I did).
You will feel much better when the form is sent off - I know I did. And don't think too far ahead - just do your best day by day - and you'll get out the other side. And I promise you, you'll be stronger and happier than ever.
Soph

The garden does sound a bit excessive! The landlord probably should blitz that. Form E is horrible. I hope you get it done.

Sounds like you're doing really well. I've een there so can only add my general cheerleading support and 'you will get there'. You mention being worried about custody.. There's no such thing anymore, it's residency and it doesn't sound to me like he's going to want more than you're willing to concede otherwise he'd be with them now, for the half the holidays. Take one problem at a time. What's he doing contact wise at the moment? If you establish a 'norm' courts are usually reluctant to deviate from that if the kids are settled.

@HugeAckmansWife currently yet see him once or twice a week EOW, which is what they are comfy with.
No overnights at the moment which I can’t explain on here, but has to do with their wishes.

He would have them more, just to prove a point, but he’s not really set up to have them more and they don’t want to see him more! He’s adamant after years of doing nothing and still not exactly trying much now that he will get 50%. Sadly, this is money based as he told me a couple of years ago that he would want that as he won’t need to pay me so much, I won’t get maintenance and he’d get half the benefits, not actually because he thinks it’s best for the children.

I think undoubtedly it would be decided they reside with me and that I am Primary carer, it’s just how much money he’s wanting is to spend to get to that decision!