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Original poster

Why Do I Always Get Myself Into These Situations?

34 replies

Icequeen01 · 26/07/2021 00:14

I am one of those people who always seems to end up supporting a friend or neighbour etc. I work with vulnerable children so I guess it's just in my nature. My DH despairs of me sometimes. If someone is vulnerable I can't stop myself but often it can get out of hand and impacts our life.

Today I went to feed a neighbour's cat as she is away. My neighbour's neighbour is a very unpleasant and manipulative elderly lady. She has family but they don't really bother with her which is sad but I do wonder if it's because of her nastiness. She has a large dog which I have been worried about for sometime as she never takes it out and her back garden is like a jungle and there is no where for it to do its business. She always seems to be yelling at the poor dog.

When I popped over to feed the cat I noticed unpleasant neighbour struggling with her wheelie bin so I offered to help her with it. We started talking and I took the opportunity to ask after her dog and said that if she ever needed anyone to walk it my DH and I would be happy to help.To my surprise she said yes and we agreed a day. She then suddenly added that she would come along too. She can hardly walk and I know her, she is going to try to get us to do lots of jobs for her. She already remarked that my DH does lots of gardening so I know she's going to try and get him to do her garden (which would take about 3 days to clear!) I also have a feeling she will find an excuse for her dog not to come in the end. DH already looks after my 82 year old DM's garden as well as ours so there is no way he has time to help with hers too.

DH is really cross with me for getting us into a situation like this again.
What on earth can I do? I just wanted to give the poor dog a bit of exercise and a change of scenery but I think I've opened a hornets nest!

OP posts:

DismantledKing · 26/07/2021 00:15

Yeah, I’d be annoyed if I was him too.

rubbletrouble · 26/07/2021 00:28

Oh I'm the same, I see the words and offers of helping leaving my mouth but Just can't stop them, then I end up involved in situations that I really just shouldn't have offered to be in, but hey ho.

So I think walking the dog is kind and taking the lady along may also be kind, but if your DH isn't on board you need to pull the plug on his involvement. Can you walk the dog and the lady alone ?

MistySkiesAfterRain · 26/07/2021 00:32

Is your DH allergic to dogs and you forgot?

AgathaX · 26/07/2021 00:32

Can't you take her dog out yourself? If your dh isn't there then she can't hassle him to do her garden.

Babyroobs · 26/07/2021 00:33

I would help with the dog walking for the poor dogs sake, no animal should not go for a walk like that.

memberofthewedding · 26/07/2021 00:37

Dont get involved. Some people are emotional vampires!

RubyGoat · 26/07/2021 00:37

You have time to walk the dog. Your DH doesn't have time to sort her garden, he's already got a full schedule. If you don't want to walk with her (maybe give it a go once & see how she is) tell her you usually go for a jog with the other dog as you're a bit pushed for time yourself, & this way you get 2 things done at once.

Original poster

Icequeen01 · 26/07/2021 00:39

I would happily take the dog myself but it is massive dog and pretty untrained. I'm not sure I could hold onto him myself to be honest, that's why I got DH involved 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

RubyGoat · 26/07/2021 00:40

Maybe your DH jogs...

Original poster

Icequeen01 · 26/07/2021 00:42

@rubbletrouble

Oh I'm the same, I see the words and offers of helping leaving my mouth but Just can't stop them, then I end up involved in situations that I really just shouldn't have offered to be in, but hey ho.

So I think walking the dog is kind and taking the lady along may also be kind, but if your DH isn't on board you need to pull the plug on his involvement. Can you walk the dog and the lady alone ?

That's exactly it. I have no control over my mouth!

OP posts:

RubyGoat · 26/07/2021 00:42

And he certainly doesn't have time to do both. Could just squeeze walking the dog, as it fits in with his current activities. None of her business what those are.

INeedNewShoes · 26/07/2021 01:00

Goodness me OP! It's one thing being daft enough to get yourself roped into these things but you can't offer someone else's help like that!

I'd actually revoke the offer and apologise profusely saying that you hadn't realised the pressure DH is under at work at the moment and between that and helping out his DM he's already stretched and you don't want this to be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

BrandNewHeretic · 26/07/2021 01:15

My DH does this to me all the time and it drives me crackers!

FittedSheet · 26/07/2021 01:34

My mother used to bustle around people-pleasing for people she, like you, neither liked nor respected, but when she started ‘volunteering’ teenage me, I had to put my foot down.

You can stop yourself, OP, you just choose not to. Stop volunteering other people’s services. You may choose to surround yourself with unpleasant people who need you, but that’s your own lookout.

DismantledKing · 26/07/2021 01:43

@FittedSheet

My mother used to bustle around people-pleasing for people she, like you, neither liked nor respected, but when she started ‘volunteering’ teenage me, I had to put my foot down.

You can stop yourself, OP, you just choose not to. Stop volunteering other people’s services. You may choose to surround yourself with unpleasant people who need you, but that’s your own lookout.

Yes, very much this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2021 02:00

Volunteering is nice. What you're doing is press ganging. That's not nice.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2021 02:42

DH is really cross with me for getting us into a situation like this again.

Well no shit. What on earth were you thinking? You know what this woman is like, and then you have the absolute gall to volunteer your husband without his permission.

You need to deal with this mess yourself and apologise profusely to your husband. Learn how to keep your mouth shut FFS.

JustGiveMeGin · 26/07/2021 06:37

OP, you sound almost amused? Sort of like 'oh, silly me I've done it again'?
I have almost zero free time and the little time I do have is my own. I would be furious if my husband started volunteering me for shit I didn't want to do! He would be told in no uncertain terms that he can sort it out without my involvement.
You need to learn to think more and speak less if you can't trust yourself not to do this.

Iwastheparanoidex · 26/07/2021 06:39

God I’d be raging if I was your DH. And I wouldn’t be doing it.

You’ve no right to volunteer anyone else. Do what you like for you but you’ve over stepped in volunteering your other half.

ChristmasStepThisWay · 26/07/2021 06:56

Sorry OP but you're utterly out of order here. Your poor DH...

Ronsmood · 26/07/2021 07:15

You know she’s unpleasant, get yourself out of it now. I’d be furious too if I was your dh.

EishetChayil · 26/07/2021 07:56

You really have to address this, OP. It is a hugely negative and damaging personality streak.

PersonaNonGarter · 26/07/2021 08:01

You need to put in some boundaries. You are very nice but I would be annoyed if I was your DH. What you are doing is feeding a need in yourself with his time. It’s not ok.

Difficult to tell from your OP, but you may have guilt/rescue issues. You might want to look into that. However, you might just be a nice person with a lot of spare time to devote to your community.

Tairbear · 26/07/2021 10:01

I really don't think you were being 'nice' by throwing your DH under the bus to boost your ego..

You created this mess, therefor it's on you to fix it.. if that's uncomfortable? Well it may teach you a lesson

Original poster

Icequeen01 · 26/07/2021 10:39

Thanks everyone. I totally take on board what you are saying. Just to clarify, I haven't volunteered DH to do her garden, just the dog walking, which I knew he wouldn't mind as we would love to own our own dog but can't due to us both working long hours. What he is cross about is where this could lead.

I will explain to unpleasant neighbour that we can't offer her any more support. She knows how much support we already provide for my DM as my mum lives a few doors away too! My mum can now only walk with a stick so I do all her shopping, take her to appointments etc. DH does her garden as well as us running our own home.

I honestly don't think I end up in these situations due to my ego. Due to the nature of my work my employer provides group therapy each week. I'm always being described as having a need to nurture everyone. I think that's my weakness.

I will meet with unpleasant neighbour on Thursday and set some firm boundaries!

OP posts:

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