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Original poster

Why Do I Always Get Myself Into These Situations?

34 replies

Icequeen01 · 26/07/2021 00:14

I am one of those people who always seems to end up supporting a friend or neighbour etc. I work with vulnerable children so I guess it's just in my nature. My DH despairs of me sometimes. If someone is vulnerable I can't stop myself but often it can get out of hand and impacts our life.

Today I went to feed a neighbour's cat as she is away. My neighbour's neighbour is a very unpleasant and manipulative elderly lady. She has family but they don't really bother with her which is sad but I do wonder if it's because of her nastiness. She has a large dog which I have been worried about for sometime as she never takes it out and her back garden is like a jungle and there is no where for it to do its business. She always seems to be yelling at the poor dog.

When I popped over to feed the cat I noticed unpleasant neighbour struggling with her wheelie bin so I offered to help her with it. We started talking and I took the opportunity to ask after her dog and said that if she ever needed anyone to walk it my DH and I would be happy to help.To my surprise she said yes and we agreed a day. She then suddenly added that she would come along too. She can hardly walk and I know her, she is going to try to get us to do lots of jobs for her. She already remarked that my DH does lots of gardening so I know she's going to try and get him to do her garden (which would take about 3 days to clear!) I also have a feeling she will find an excuse for her dog not to come in the end. DH already looks after my 82 year old DM's garden as well as ours so there is no way he has time to help with hers too.

DH is really cross with me for getting us into a situation like this again.
What on earth can I do? I just wanted to give the poor dog a bit of exercise and a change of scenery but I think I've opened a hornets nest!

OP posts:

FittedSheet · 26/07/2021 13:38

I'm always being described as having a need to nurture everyone. I think that's my weakness.

It is your weakness, OP, but I think it's important to recognise that it is actually a weakness ie, a bad thing, a personality flaw in the same way that, say, gossiping behind someone's back or regularly flaking out on arrangements made with friends at the last minute are.

People have a habit of coming on Mn and saying 'Oh, I'm such a people-pleaser!' as though it's a cute flaw, like the heroines in chicklit who have a scattering of freckles on their tip-tiled noses or are adorably clumsy.

But it's not a cute flaw. You say yourself that it 'often gets out of hand' and 'impacts our life'. Your husband is understandably furious at being volunteered to dogwalk, and for being put in a situation where he is being expected to clear a jungle garden and potentially lots of other chores. You say yourself that this neighbour is a deeply unpleasant woman, who is likely to be isolated from her own family because of her nastiness, yet you went ahead and put yourself and your DH into the picture as her helpers.

You will no doubt say that you are thinking of the dog, but if you have genuine welfare concerns, report to the RSPCA or equivalent, rather than volunteer someone else's services.

And seriously, do some thinking probably with a decent therapist about why this is a compulsion with you.

Polkadots2021 · 26/07/2021 13:42

@Icequeen01

Take the dog for one walk then say oh we are really sorry, can't help with the garden (or whatever else she asks).

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 26/07/2021 13:45

Having the need to nurture is still feeding something inside you. A need to be needed or a need to be seen as a good person

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2021 14:50

@WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld

Having the need to nurture is still feeding something inside you. A need to be needed or a need to be seen as a good person

I suffer from it too. It is a form of narcissism if you think about it. Wanting to be nicer, better, more worthy than others.

I mean we all do everything because of some reason in ourselves, not in others. It feels good.

When it spills over into me getting praise for someone else doing something, that's unhealthy.

RubyGoat · 26/07/2021 19:32

If she complains that you already do X amount for your mother, remind her that that's because your mother is family & that's what you do for family. If she continues to push it, ignore. TBH I wouldn't get involved again. She sounds like one of those people who will take a mile if you offer them an inch.

Bassetlover · 26/07/2021 20:29

Why don't you offer to contact The Cinnamon Trust for her? They have volunteers to walk elderly and disabled people's dogs. That way neither you or your DH need to get over involved.

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/07/2021 20:31

I'd be bloody furious with you in your dh's shoes.

ArthurApples · 26/07/2021 20:54

Agree that calling it a flaw or weakness doesn't make it ok. Try minding your own business and safeguarding your mum, you've gotten involved with her nasty neighbour which might not be good for her and now you are catastrophising about what the consequences might be. You've made a mistake, the kind that you can't seem to stop making, because perhaps you want the attention, you enjoy offering to help without thinking it through? Your husband is right to be fed up. Cinnamon Trust is a good idea, give them a call and see what they might be able to offer. Sort it out so it doesn't end up impacting your mum as her neighbour.
Look harder at your own boundaries, respect your families boundaries better.

Thelnebriati · 26/07/2021 21:09

Icequeen01
I'll just give you a heads up; you are legally liable for the dog while you are walking it. If it bites someone, or runs into the road and gets hit by a car, you are liable.

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