I’m so worried about my mum. She looks terrible.

[ThisUpsetsMe]

My mum has never been stylish, but has always been clean and tidy and presentable.

For the past few years (I started to notice this pre Covid) she’s really struggled to look after herself.

She is still clean but (I’m aware I sound like such a bitch :( ) she looks an absolute mess. She came by today and I could nearly have cried looking at her. Her hair is wild, her clothes are obviously old, worn and completely odd. She had on my old combat trousers, a lace blouse and a pair of my brother’s old trainers.

She keeps saying ‘I look such a mess!’ ‘I need to get tidied up!’ so she does know, but she just can’t seem to buy new things. I have taken her shopping, bought her things, set up online shopping accounts, and she’s only getting worse.

I know I sound like such a cow but I’m ashamed of the way she looks. I’ve asked if she’s ok, but she laughs off the idea of anything being wrong health wise, and she ‘doesn’t believe in all this mental health rubbish’.

What can I do?!!

If she's clean and happy, what's the issue?

Could you maybe offer to go through her wardrobe with her and throwout anything that is old or worn? My father has a brain injury and when I buy him new clothes I have to throw away the old ones or he will just keep wearing them

She keeps commenting that she looks a mess, so I know she is unhappy.

She’d have nothing left romdowa. That’s how bad it is.

Do? Nothing. She’s clean, she’s just wearing some odd style combinations. You’ve offered to help with shopping. Unless you think it’s a symptom of something else (like the start of dementia) or part of a bigger health issue I can’t understand why you think you need to intervene further. Wearing what society deems mismatched clothes and having unstyled hair is not a crisis!

Can you take her to a hairdresser or arrange for a home visit and say it’s a treat especially if you have your hair done at the same time?

That’s might boost her confidence and make her start on the clothing issue.

If her hair is ghat awful she might just be giving up on buying nice clothes as she feels it’s a waste of time as her hair is a mess so having nice looking easy to manage hair might kickstart her wanting to look presentable again.

Have you noticed anything else about her self care? Is she seeing the dentist, optician, eating well etc?

It seems that you have done a lot to support her with shopping etc - but despite her own words to you that she’s a mess and needs to get tied up - she hasn’t engaged.

Maybe she is totally happy in uncoordinated, pre-loved clothes and is just trying to placate you.

She sounds mentally unwell. I would be worried to. I say this as someone who really doesnt mind how she looks but this is normal for me.

Is she eating well? Sleeping well?

Keep inviting her to healthy activities good for mental health, early morning walks and a day gardening. Local volunteering. Nice nutritious dinners.

@ThisUpsetsMe

She keeps commenting that she looks a mess, so I know she is unhappy.

She’d have nothing left romdowa. That’s how bad it is.

Charity shops then are the only answer. Slowly build up starting by replacing the worst looking items and go from there.

I would be worried too. She sounds either ill or very short of money. Can you try to find out which?

How old is she? Does she work? Does she live alone? What did she used to wear when you and she were younger? Has she put weight on or lost weight? Has her income changed dramatically?

If it's just a style issue, then you could show her how to wear things that go together.

If you think there's an underlying problem, what problem do you think it is?

I would love to take her to my hairdresser. She goes quite regularly but won’t change as her hairdresser has been doing her hair since she was 20.

She’s never slept well and her diet is atrocious, but her skin is actually very good.

Id book something like an afternoon tea for a few weeks time, in a posh hotel. Book a joint trip to the hairdressers, then a shopping trip to get you both new outfits for your exciting day out. Be super enthusiastic about it and she’ll probably go along with it to please you, I certainly would if it were my DD.

This happened with my mum. She had health issues in her 40s and I think later, in her 50s became depressed. Nothing as obvious as your mum but she stopped bothering with her hair, hands, clothes..she just kept herself clean. She would insist that she was fine but looking back (she died a number of years ago) I think she was depressed and I wish I had talked to her and encouraged her to visit the GP.

She always worked and always looked smart and tidy. She always shopped in Dorothy Perkins and Wallis. She retired a few years ago and I don’t know if she’s struggling with feeling bored or not needed. I’m just so upset to see her looking the way she does.

A day out is a lovely idea. I’m going to try that.

She retired a few years ago and I don’t know if she’s struggling with feeling bored or not needed. I’m just so upset to see her looking the way she does.

How is she for money?

I can’t imagine she’d be struggling for money, she has a very good pension and the mortgage on the house is paid off.

How old is your mum? This could be feeling low, but it also could be cognitive decline. People may struggle to organise themselves (as its an ability of a particular part of the brain). They may notice that they need to wash or get new clothes or go do something but be unable to actually go do it. This is called 'initiation' and is something that the frontal areas of the brain are very involved in. Not saying this is definitely the case, but something to keep in mind if your mum does not seem low in her mental wellbeing.

65. That sounds v worrying…

Sadly my mum let herself go since she retired too.
She lives on her own ( not in UK)
She used to be the best modern dressed lady , looking always very young, men chasing her.
Since she retired and being home, sadly she does not look after herself as apparently not need! She lives in small village, she is very private, only goes to small grocery shop.
Anytime we visit, she looks unkept. She wears her clothes ripped inside out- apparently to save them for better days.
Her wardrobe is full of nice clothes I buy her ( from H&M, TU, Next) she won’t wear them, keeps saving them for a better times.
I don’t think she washes, maybe once in few weeks.
I’m shocked as she always was so well kept.
She used to work in a huge company in a big city, surrounded by lots people. She is happy on her own, happy that she retired but not looking after herself now.
I remember in last 10 years I bought her nice things, like expensive mascara, skin care, perfumes.
All sits in her wardrobe in used or I found them in a bin.
I did not visit for 2 years now as of COVID restrictions ( speaking daily on phone) so I wonder how she actually looks now..
So sad.
When I say to her she starts crying..

It could also be that if she has always shopped in the same shops and DP is gone(here anyway) that finding new clothes is a pain, especially if there's no where to wear them.
I definitely do not dress as smartly as I did a few years ago, as I've no need to. I don't go out partying/clubbing anymore and my work dress code is casual.

For some people, clothes are purely functional and throwing away clothes that still "have wear in them" can seem nonsensical to some people.

• I meant unused ( all the nice things I got her) She is well in herself, very smart. Just does not feel that she needs to look nice anymore as she is just at home working in her garden.

Do you feel you can openly address it with her? Not "you look awful" but "mum I'm worried you seem unhappy and not like your usual self "?

If you can afford it, a day out is a lovely idea- facials, haircuts, gel nails done if she would like it, some shopping?

If you're really that concerned and it's something she's expressed displeasure about then take her shopping. When the new clothes are bought, organise them into outfits for her. It shouldn't be hard to maintain if they're washed together and then worn together again.

It could be she's having a bit of an identity crisis since retiring. I know this is what I felt like when I had kids and got redeployed in work about the same time. I really let myself go for a long time and I'm only really just starting to get myself back now.