Rich mums who don't like spending, at all.

[blarbed2]

This is just a chatty observation. Has anyone experienced having friends who are rich (like millionaires) but who are really, really tight with money? I'm not rich by the way, just have a middily income family and happen to live in a well-off area where some people are loaded.

I just find it quite strange. I have a couple of friends who are really down-to-earth, and you would never guess how rich they are. One, for example, lives in a house worth about 2 million, and they are in the middle of massive renovations. However, for years she has always been scraping around for second-hand stuff and her kids wear clothes until they are sizes too small. When we go out on day trips, I can tell she's reluctant to do ice-creams, rides, parking costs, etc.

I admire being frugal - I am myself. But although our lifestyle is modest we have the cash to enjoy ourselves a bit now and then in small ways (posting on the back of a playdate, day-trip today that has been a bit eye-brow raising when it comes to money attitudes).

[blarbed2]

@Mamascoven I agree that you have to find some kind of balance, if not, you tip into not actually enjoying life in the moment!

[Knittingnanny]

My dad used to say they had “ short arms and long pockets”

[TooWicked]

She actually works for his company, which would make it worse.

See the only person I know who I suspect is in a financially controlling relationship - this seemed to be the final bit of control over her, 'employing' her was essentially his way of giving himself a pay rise without paying more tax, he's bragged about that. She doesn't get given 'her salary' to spend as she likes. I know that for a fact.

[gollyh]

There's nothing wrong with 2nd hand, mine have 2nd hand clothes, toys etc & furniture hand me downs etc but I don't think that's the same as constantly asking to borrow or if you can have stuff because you don't want to pay for it.

[blarbed2]

@Hollyhead

I’m not that wealthy but we have good jobs and lots of disposable income. I try and buy 2nd hand where possible due to eco reasons. Not all clothes can withstand the rest of time but my DS school shorts are currently on their 4th child! I find it a bit immoral to not look at 2nd hand first.

I agree, I buy second-hand clothes too. I don't think I've ever actually bought any clothes for my son except pants, as my sister gives me loads! However, unlike my friend, my kids clothes always fit (I don't avoid getting replacements), and I don't constantly talk about the cost of clothing them.

[Mamette]

If you're in a financially controlling relationship you may not have money of your own to spend, as the controlling partner has it all and gives a minimal amount away to be spent, or holds the bank cards.

Yes I thought this too when I read the OP. I know a woman who only has access to a credit card that her H controls. She can use it but he checks the bill and “has an opinion” on her spending.

[minipie]

One, for example, lives in a house worth about 2 million, and they are in the middle of massive renovations. However, for years she has always been scraping around for second-hand stuff and her kids wear clothes until they are sizes too small. When we go out on day trips, I can tell she's reluctant to do ice-creams, rides, parking costs, etc.

My kids quite often wear clothes with stains (clean but stained) because they mark everything within a few wears, and I’m not throwing away almost new clothes especially when the same will happen to any replacements. Sometimes they wear things that are the wrong size if they love it and refuse to give it up! I quite often buy second hand, why wouldn’t I?

I don’t always buy ice creams on days out especially if the dc have already had something sweet that day. I never buy “souvenirs” and plastic toys on days out like I see many doing because ime they break quickly and are bad for the environment. I also don’t want my Dc to expect to be bought something every time we go out.

Does all this make me tight?

Every time we meet up I’ve tried to buy a round of coffee for the two of us thinking it would be nice for us to take turns, but she is always really against this I suspect because she is worried that somehow she might end up paying for a more expensive drink that she’s not benefiting from

I am a little bit resistant to taking turns, simply because I then feel obliged to remember who I “owe” a drink to! I would genuinely happily pay for both drinks every single time but just don’t want the hassle of remembering whose turn it is.

Please think of alternative explanations before branding someone tight.

[DishingOutDone]

@Knittingnanny

My dad used to say they had “ short arms and long pockets”

I think that's summed up the thread nicely. I've always struggled for everything, but I'm always the one who buys all the kids an ice cream (an ice cream FFS) and had a packet of biscuits to send out when they were playing in the street. I cannot abide meanness. Being careful with money is great, but that little moment of joy when you see your kid get that cone in their hand is priceless.

[Hotcrossbun4321]

Some of it is down to trauma from not having grown up with money and feeling like it can be taken away at any moment. Someone I know well is like this - a good amount in the bank, lots of equity in property but won’t ever buy unless on sale, won’t buy themself nice things, constantly worrying about money. Growing up in serious poverty can really mess people up

[blarbed2]

@minipie - No, you're not tight. I do the same as everything in those two paragraphs you've written. You are referencing something slightly different. Stains on clothes - another issue. A couple of items they kid won't let go of, sure. I never buy plastic toys - didn't mention that. Ice-creams, I agree, not if they've already had sugar and only occasional treat. But I've known this Mum a long, long time, and after that amount of time you notice a more intense pattern about it. I've probably not gone into enough detail.

[gollyh]

I don’t always buy ice creams on days out especially if the dc have already had something sweet that day. I never buy “souvenirs” and plastic toys on days out like I see many doing because ime they break quickly and are bad for the environment. I also don’t want my Dc to expect to be bought something every time we go out.

Does all this make me tight?

Not in my opinion. Tight would be meeting up in the park with a friend & not having any cash for ice creams so letting friend get them in, repeatedly.

[blarbed2]

@Hotcrossbun4321

Some of it is down to trauma from not having grown up with money and feeling like it can be taken away at any moment. Someone I know well is like this - a good amount in the bank, lots of equity in property but won’t ever buy unless on sale, won’t buy themself nice things, constantly worrying about money. Growing up in serious poverty can really mess people up

Yes, I can imagine. In this instance she comes from a rich family. She went to private school and the family has an expensive holiday home on the coast.

[MissJeanBrodiesprime]

I also find it unfathomable how rich people see an item on offer in the supermarket, like cereal or coffee for example and take six of them off the shelf so they’re sold out for the people who could really benefit from that offer.

[Todaytomorrowyesterday]

I have a friend who both her and husband have high income jobs- live in a £1m+ house with a brand new kitchen - no idea what it costs but it’s stunning with all the gadgets etc
But they both drive fairly old cars, push chairs 2nd hand. Clothes are hand me downs and she the first at the 2nd hand clothing sale at the private school (though to be honest most of the school parents happy to utilise the 2nd hand sale)
She doesn’t have fancy clothes or hair. Happy to buy a bargain!! Prefers to meet in park rather than waste money at coffee shop and more than happy to host and everyone bring a dish!
For her she just spends the money on what she sees her priorities to be no judgement from me!

[gollyh]

Growing up in serious poverty can really mess people up

My mum is very frugal & careful with money despite being comfortable now because she left her home country at 17 & had to support herself. She's not tight though as she is generous.

[thisonecantthinkofausername]

Deep pockets short arms comes to mind.
I am sure there is a reason it is a saying.
The most generous people I know are those from low incomes.

[Lemonmelonsun]

One ring



But similarly rich people won't get poor by occasionally forgoing the cheaper ice land tub and going wild and buying an ice cream!!


We don't organise our money lol this op, we have money separated nearly every penny for each thing so we have ££ tk spend on the weekend and that's for anything including an extravagant ice cream because that's money is for whatever.

Petrol money, food, bills, mortgage, multiple savings, holidays, Xmas is all accounted for.

I don't understand why rich people don't do this? Give themselves a budget so they can buy the dc proper fitting clothes, an extravagant ice cream.. Whilst knowing everything else is covered??

[ElspethFlashman]

I'm not buying a 4 year old a Magnum, not even if I was Jeff Bezos!

[minipie]

Ok fair enough some of these are slightly different examples. But not all.

To me the only thing that justifies being called tight is when someone is not paying their fair share. Things like buying second hand, buying own drinks rather than rounds, or not buying ice creams for your own dc (and not expecting other parents to buy them either of course!!) could well have other explanations.

[BlueLobelia]

My BFf is married to a multi millionaire. They are both frugal- she says that his parents earned the money so they have a responsibility not to waste it. She wears clothes from tesco. As do her kids. But they spend on charities (and my friend is a a trustee of a charity and puts alot of their money into it). It's about not wasting money on shit. She does not care about clothes so wears supermarket clothes. She does not care about cars so drives second hand modest cars. Just because you are rich doesn't mean you can just piss money down the drain. (or indeed just piss money on things other people think you should be buying).

[Sickoffamilydrama]

Yes, I can imagine. In this instance she comes from a rich family. She went to private school and the family has an expensive holiday home on the coast.

Again honestly don't assume, I went to private school, lived in a posh house my DM isn't good with money but my DF was also financially abusive to her but kept up appearances.

Even now people think I must be loaded as my DF lives near a well known expensive seaside town. But i don't see any of it and actually think it's not very good for you to not learn to make you own way in life. Although I will give my kids a bit of money to help them.

Posh cars can be company cars.
Posh houses might mean mortgaged to the hilt.

Also yes some people can be frugal/tight.

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

However, for years she has always been scraping around for second-hand stuff and her kids wear clothes until they are sizes too small. When we go out on day trips, I can tell she's reluctant to do ice-creams, rides, parking costs, etc.

How do you know that all the money doesnt go on the house/cars etc?

[Lemonmelonsun]

Op I also know a few of these types and I've worked out I can spend much time around them because it's like Brian washing, they can't let go!
Every move is made thinking about cost!
I know someone who will park aboit a mile away from where she wants to go go if not more to save a few pennies on parking.
The walk is not pretty, to me that's wasting time which is far more valuable getting into the pretty place to then enjoy it. Again terrified to buy anyone a gift, it traumatise her, and yet owns several properties, must be on 109k plus salary, no dc small outgoing.

She lives an extremely miserable life and I found her hard work at Xmas because of the painic over it, bdays again because of a pending money!

Similar dh parents find Xmas tough because of spending money, it's like because Xmas is a time of excess they go into over drive the other way! It's not fun, it makes me feel depressed.

[MyriadeOfThings]

My parents are like this.
Extremely careful, will buy the cheapest toilet paper etc etc
But they would also have no issue splashing on a big holiday.

They have a house that is nice but not worth 2 millions nowhere near. But they have investments right left and centre that puts them into the millionaire category wo a doubt.

Why are they doing that? It’s not that they are tight. It’s basically a left over from when they were young and had no money at all - literally countering pennies. That’s what also allowed them to actually build up the nest that they have.
Does it mean they are tight? Nowhere near that. They are extremely generous and will give wo a backward glance. The difference is that they don’t it for everything but only for the things that they think are really important. Like their grand children, education, a great trip. And not for ice cream or clothes.

[DottyHarmer]

As pp have said, there is a gulf between being frugal and being tight. Short arms and deep pockets, indeed, and also “last to the bar, and first out of the taxi”. I know a few of these .