DS wants to be a girl

[btw0]

I posted this in LGBT children but I'm posting here for traffic.

DS is 13, almost 14. He's always liked ‘girly’ things even though nothing is ‘girly’! His hair is also currently long. His dad (I'm not with him anymore) hates that his son is 'girly’ and has long hair and even tried to cut it and DS is currently refusing to go to his dads. He's also in a friend group of just girls and he's never fitted in with the boys (he's told me).

DS is currently at my mums and I went into his room to get cups etc and a piece of paper fell on the floor, it said things like, he wishes he was a girl, he hates his body, he'll never be a real girl and how his life would be better if he was a girl. I noticed that the paper fell out his notebook so, as I was putting it back in, I noticed there's a lot of things like this so its obviously been going on for a while as the notebook is almost full but I obviously didn't read everything.

Do I speak to him about it when he gets home? Or pretend I haven't seen it? I just hate to think he's been thinking these things for a while and no one else knows.

I didn't want to read & run, perhaps call Mermaids for advice about how to have this conversation with your son mermaidsuk.org.uk/parents/

I think it would be a good idea to speak to him if you think he is struggling.

I'm going through this with my DS who is 7. He is growing his hair long, and in his school books he has written tht he wants to be a girl. He read an article about a transgender child and now wants his pronouns to be changed at school. He appears however to be taking it all quite literally - thinking that if his pronouns change he will 'become' a girl (in both gender and sex). He hasn't talked about disliking his body, but has talked about being able to change his hair colour.

At the moment I am watchfully waiting, as I feel that his discomfort is due to gender stereotyping - he is drawn to girls as friends and girly things like sequins and rainbow unicorns. Sometimes the boys at school make him feel bad about that and the girls sometimes exclude him from games since he's not a girl. I suspect he just feels that all rather keenly but I am keeping an open mind.

What I said is probably not all that comparable to your situation due to the difference in age, but I just wanted to send some solidarity, that you aren't alone in not knowing how to deal with this. I spent most of my childhood wanting to be a boy and so we talk about this pretty regularly to give him something to relate to.

Do. Not. Call. Mermaids.

He wants to be the opposite of his dad. He has a confusing and fixed idea of what being a man is, and he knows that's not him. That doesn't make him a woman. That makes him in need of support, good role models, talking about feelings, and being allowed to enjoy the things he enjoy without linking them to a specific sex.

What he doesn't need is to be sent down a torturous path of affirmation and hormones and wrong brain body nonsense. It's hard to walk back from.

Support him in not seeing his Dad.

Keep affirming he can be any kind of boy he wants, but he can't actually be a girl. Show him role models from 70s/80s who knew they were male even if they didn't fit typical male stereotype.

And stay away from mermaids unless you want him sent off down a path of hormones etc.

Steer well clear of Mermaids! They're incredibly political and helping families comes a long way second to their agenda.

It's fine and normal to question. Most kids grow out of it.

Don’t go near Mermaids. Just don’t.

[quote Rosebud21]I didn't want to read & run, perhaps call Mermaids for advice about how to have this conversation with your son mermaidsuk.org.uk/parents/[/quote]
No! Not mermaids!! Please no.

I'll be back with some helpful resources though..

Ah it seems loads of others also said stay away from mermaids!

God yes….avoid mermaids. Give him time to become the person he wants to me. Further down the line he might want to become a girl but he may just be gay or just confused. He’s barely in puberty.

Just let him get on with it and support him. Mermaids have a very particular ideology. That’s all I will say on that.

He seems to be writing and speaking clearly about his thoughts:

• He wishes he was a girl (the things that his dad resents/pushes against would be fine if he was a girl, he sees his friends not getting the push back he gets for the same behaviours)

• He'll never be a real girl (he won't, he is male and that's just how life is).

However, there are things that would be good to talk through:

• how he feels when he's bullied and picked on by his dad (and maybe others) about his likes and preferences.

• How things could be made better (people could be kinder, people could accept that noone should be belittled and mocked regarding their appearance and preferences).

• How he feels about his body - is there anything he likes about his body? His body is strong and taking him through life, it allows him to do the things he loves, and most importantly it's the only one he has.

The one thing I do know (being not particularly gender conforming myself) is that the older you grow, the easier it gets to find your tribe, be yourself, kick against the pricks and build resilence to ignore/laugh at the people who want you to fit into a box.

www.transgendertrend.com/

Safe schools alliance

Irreversible Damage book by Abigail Shrier

I think all teens are mixed up. It is a very difficult time.

I tell my teen not to worry about labels.

Its not so simple don't worry . But just be you is important.

I am sure it will be frowned on but i would read it all. There could well be conserning stuff in there.

Be very, very wary of Mermaids, as pps says. I'd suggest looking in the LGBT parents section OP, lots of support there from parents who are supporting children with similar feelings.

Please don’t go anywhere near Mermaids, they are incredibly biased in favour of puberty blockers and medicalisation for children.

My son said this at roughly the same age, he ‘felt like’ a woman, was transgender and wanted to transition. He grew his hair long and purchased feminine clothes, he only wore these at home though.

We went through CAMHS with him which led to a referral to GIDS at the Tavistock. He was about 16 when we got seen by GIDS. We had family sessions there for about 18 months before he was too old for GIDS (18).The next step would have been the adult service which is an immediate medicalisation route.

Thankfully, over lockdown he decided he was no longer trans and is happy being who he is, a slightly feminine looking gay young man. Which is a massive relief, as I was so worried about the medical pathway.

The problem nowadays is that people are telling these young children that they can change sex, which is just not possible. A lifetime of medical intervention awaits them, and they will still be the sex they were born as. It breaks my heart to think of all these young people being told lies.

Oh, and be very careful of what he is looking at on the internet. In particular the deviantart website.

I agree that you need to fully support him in not seeing his dad. And he needs to understand that he is perfectly fine as he is and should celebrate his individuality. It is very likely that his dads rejection of his sons femininity is feeding into this. He likely feels his dad would be more accepting if he was a girl. The simple truth is that he is a boy and it's perfectly fine for him to be more feminine but he is not and never will be a girl.

Please don't buy into the mermaids transgender thing as it's incredibly damaging. Who on Earth would think that a heavily medicalised pathway that has terrible results and often doesn't even alleviate the feeling of not belonging could be better than learning self acceptance, tolerance and embracing your individuality.

I have been through this with two teenage boys. My eldest is now 22 and had recently come out of it. My youngest is 17 and sadly still embracing the trans agenda. I fully embraced both boys growing their hair, even cooked it for them. Bought them feminine clothing, taught them some basic make up. But I drew the line at saying they were trans, they aren't. They are just breaking down rigid stereotypes. My eldest is a happy gay man now. He still has hair down his back but presents as most men his age do Tracky pants or jeans or t shirts. My youngest hates his body, wishes he could amputated his penis. He walks around in long sleeved gloves and cat head bands but other than that presents typically male despite claiming to be a girl. Both of my sons were heavily influenced by anime culture and this feeds very heavily into the transgender thing. I suggest you check your sons history and if he is accessing anime or hentai then shit that shit down right away. It's destroyed my sons teen age years. My eldest son has a porn addiction asa result and it's proving impossible to get treatment.

I would definitely talk to him. These are really big issues to be struggling with and the information he's accessing on the internet may not be without considerable bias.
Read up on this yourself so you're better acquainted with the subject. It's hugely controversial.
Gender identity is probably the No1 most talked about thing for kids this age and is very much about understanding yourself. Unfortunately it seems to be very label driven and relies a lot on a very binary view of what men or women are like, so if you're not like that, you're something else.
Try and help him see he is just fine as he is - if as an adult, he's still feeling a mismatch, then there's options to consider. But for now, waiting and being a loving and supportive Mum is really important. It's known that the vast majority of kids experiencing gender conflict do find it resolved by going through puberty. Kids taking hormones will probably go onto other medical and drug regimes.

My dgs has never been interested in anything boy related. Always been drawn to pretty, sparkly things and always wanted to play with girly toys. As a family we’ve approached it with a fairly liberal attitude and with certain lines drawn, never made him feel it was wrong. He’s very into dance and performing arts never football or boyish things. He did grow his hair long but it got on his nerves and it’s now short but now that he is getting older he chooses appropriate clothing from both boys and girls departments. He’s almost 11 now and very comfortable who he is. Very confident, friendly and popular with his friends who are nearly all girls. He has never come across any negative comments or shown any anxiety. His mum is a single parent but he spends time with his dad and everyone is very relaxed and don’t see it as a problem. He is kind, clever, talented and doing very well at school. He openly admits he likes girl stuff and is very into Bowie, Boy George and the like who don’t fit gender stereotypes. He is who he is and we love him for it.

I wouldn't be letting on about reading his private things

I would be minded to praise him and give him lots of suppprt as he's struggling with growing up

Eg wish there were more men like him, praise also where a masculine feature helps you ,.. opening a jar, reaching a tall shelf . Also highlight none conforming males , or males successful in things he is interested in

bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Get in touch with the Bayswater Support group, they provide counselling and support for parents/teens with gender dysphoria. Do not call Mermaids.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.spiked-online.com/2020/07/03/mermaids-leading-children-up-the-trans-path/amp/

Read this letter template explaining why Mermaids should be given a miss:

safeschoolsallianceuk.net/resources-2/letter-templates/

I wouldn’t say anything to him but I would be very careful from now on about what you say - don’t say anything that can be put into a specific sex box.
So if you give him a compliment make sure it’s very gender neutral not like I think you’d look good in a blue shirt playing football (can’t think of a better example) but so he is aware that it doesn’t matter what biological sex you are as you can still like XYZ, still have long/short hair, like football/cooking etc

I had no idea about Mermaids, & will read the resources everyone has provided, just glad OP that you're getting advice to help you & your son