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Original poster

If you have lost someone close to you

33 replies

cumulonimbus523 · 21/07/2021 16:08

...is there anything you did or had them do/say before they passed, or something you wished there'd been a chance to do?

DP's parent has been suffering with a terminal illness for a while now and it's looking like the end is not far away. They've asked if there's anything that DP would like them to say or do seeing as they won't be around for the rest of DP's life.

I can think of things like maybe getting a recording of their voice and a sample of their handwriting. We have no children but plan to in the future, but I don't know if something from their grandparent who they won't get a chance to meet is appropriate.

I understand this is a horribly sad topic and I hope I don't upset anybody, please know I am very grateful to anybody generous enough to share something. Thank you.

OP posts:
Sadbadglad · 21/07/2021 16:10

My husband died March 2020 and please please record their voice's.

I so wish I had that

reesewithoutaspoon · 21/07/2021 16:10

A photo of us all together . I always seemed to be behind the camera so have none of me and my dad together
A video or recording of their voice
Family history. ie family tree
identification of old photos. we have loads taken of relatives and we cant place or name them

Original poster
cumulonimbus523 · 21/07/2021 16:19

@Sadbadglad I'm so sorry Flowers

@reesewithoutaspoon thank you, it's also been so long since DP's family were all together so the next time I'll be sure to get some pictures taken. I'll ask DP re. any family photos, his parent still has two generations living above them however

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 21/07/2021 16:33

I think the voice thing is really important.

My dad passed away a couple of months ago but had been ill and often struggled with speech for a while.

I'd love to hear his voice again (and I'm sure I'll stumble across a video with him on at some point) but for now it's a struggle to remember how he sounded before he was ill.

Video might also be good. I found a couple of photos of dad on my phone last night from nearly a year ago and realised they had that micro video clip thing going on which was lovely.

DiscoStusMoonboots · 21/07/2021 16:33

My dad died three months ago, and I'm so pleased I got a video of him fussing his cat and chatting away to her. It sums him up as a man and I watch it regularly.

CookPassBabtridge · 21/07/2021 16:34

I started secretly recording my dads voice long before he got ill so I could hear him when he was well and making jokes etc. And a few videos. And then when he was dying I got some more, he's telling me he loves me etc.. again these were secret so they were natural. They are priceless to me!
And yes to photos, I only have one or two with my dad as an adult.
A keepsake of theirs.
Something hand written to you.

mistermagpie · 21/07/2021 16:36

A beloved uncle died in 2018 and we have videos of him singing (he wasn't a singer, just the kind of old man who likes a singalong!) which we watch all the time. Video footage brings them to life so much.

spiderlight · 21/07/2021 17:17

I have a few videos of my dad just chatting and singing, one of him playing the piano, and one of him singing with my mum-in-law, which I absolutely treasure. I don't have any recordings of my mum's voice, as she passed away long before smartphones made it easy, and it's the one thing I desperately wish I had.

TrueRefuge · 21/07/2021 17:26

One of the sddest things about losing my mum is I don't remember the sound of her voice. It seems unimaginable, but I just can't grasp it. My phone with her last voicemail broke and so I lost that.

Now that we can so easily make videos, have a nice video or voice message and make sure you back it up to the cloud or a hard copy so it won't get lost.

Sorry for you and your DP, it sounds like everyone is handling it as well as possible Flowers

Original poster
cumulonimbus523 · 21/07/2021 17:56

Thanks so much to everyone who has replied Flowers

I'll take the advice on here and try and get some recordings when they're being natural and take more photos. I also love the idea of a keepsake, especially if they could choose one to give to DP that he could always cherish.

OP posts:
Hen2018 · 21/07/2021 17:58

I wish I’d asked my grandma more about her childhood. She only talked about it once her dementia was advanced. (It was a childhood of terrible, pre-war poverty so she never talked about it).

MuchTooTired · 21/07/2021 18:01

My darling aunt died suddenly. I so wish I had photos of us together, I’ve only got 2 from 15/20 years ago. A video or voice recording at least would be lovely, but the pics would be more important to me personally.

Mainly though, I wish I’d had the opportunity to tell her how much I loved her and how awesome she was, properly with tea and all the cake.

stuffnthings · 21/07/2021 18:09

My DW died earlier this year and as others have mentioned, what really has brought some comfort to our young DC and I is having video and audio of her.

Also DW and I had plenty of loving and practical discussions fairly quickly after receiving the terminal diagnosis. That has certainly helped a lot and even though it can be upsetting at the time, I'm so thankful we were able to talk and say everything we wanted to.

timtam23 · 21/07/2021 18:16

My mother in law and father in law have both died within the last 8 months. As others have said - a recording of their voice, some new family photos, ask them to identify anyone you don't recognise in old photos - and maybe see if they are able to document their own life story. My sister in law recorded my MIL speaking about her life and the recording is very precious both for the interesting content and for hearing her voice.
We have some wobbly handwriting of MIL's from when she was very unwell and it's actually upsetting, I wish we had kept more of her writing from when she was healthy.

BecauseIdontWantTo · 21/07/2021 18:29

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

I second/third a recording of their voice, the ones I have from my mother are when she was so unwell she could barely speak.

Not quite what you're asking for but I'd delay getting rid of things.
When my mother died, I didn't want to keep any of her clothes but years later, I wish I'd kept something. I have some jewellery but you can't bury your face in jewellery.

KatherineJaneway · 21/07/2021 18:38

To record their stories. Years on you lose parts of the stories they told you about their life and often no one else alive knows.

Ethelswith · 21/07/2021 18:41

I wish we had taped DDad reading a favourite children's story

And that I had asked him more about his life, especially the war years and what came just after them.

Taliskerskye · 21/07/2021 18:48

Great ideas. The voice thing in particular. I wish I had taken more videos when they were well.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 21/07/2021 18:51

My mum's particular form of dementia means that she is losing her language. I wish I'd recorded her talking when she was still making sense.

Poppop4 · 21/07/2021 18:54

My dad died 2 months ago, I wish I had a recording of his voice. I’d have also liked a letter from him to read over whenever I needed to. We had a strained relationship which makes me feel even worse, he constantly told people how proud he was of me but I’ve never heard him say that so it would have been nice to have a little letter from him.
I’m sorry your family is going through this tough time x

SaintVal · 21/07/2021 18:54

My Mum died in January. She was in a care home with Alzheimer's - she was young but went downhill rapidly. I never got to see her again because of Covid.

There is a Facebook video of her holding and singing to my son when he was a few days old and I watch it a lot. I love hearing her voice as it makes me feel she's still here with me. I would definitely say get a recording of their voice. Also, if you have any voice messages on your phone, don't delete them no matter how short the message. It's a sad time and I feel for you 💐

MintyCedric · 21/07/2021 18:54

Maybe suggest your DP has a think about any stories their parent has told them and makes a list on any questions they have.

In 8.5 weeks I have lost count of the times I have thought of something and realised I can't ask dad now and will never know...usually really tiny trivial things but it's weird to think I'll never have answers to those questions.

Clothes and personal possessions are lovely to have. I have dad's watch that was a 50th birthday gift, and a rugby shirt I'll have made into a cushion.
16yo DD asked for his tweed cap which she used to sue for dress up when she was little.

Whingey · 21/07/2021 18:55

Never understood why husbands granny wrote on the back of a photo I ought to burn this

ZombiePara · 21/07/2021 18:55

100% with you on the idea of a recording of their voice.

I've scoured my phone for a video or recording of my grandad and his voice and there is none. I'm distraught knowing I'll never hear his voice again, especially as I can't remember how he sounded.

Handwriting is another good one, although that could be ticked with christmas/birthday cards if they've been kept..

ZombiePara · 21/07/2021 18:56

Oh, and maybe just any questions he wants answered... details of growing up - him, the parent, anyone..

Little anedotes