Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

If you have lost someone close to you

33 replies

cumulonimbus523 · 21/07/2021 16:08

...is there anything you did or had them do/say before they passed, or something you wished there'd been a chance to do?

DP's parent has been suffering with a terminal illness for a while now and it's looking like the end is not far away. They've asked if there's anything that DP would like them to say or do seeing as they won't be around for the rest of DP's life.

I can think of things like maybe getting a recording of their voice and a sample of their handwriting. We have no children but plan to in the future, but I don't know if something from their grandparent who they won't get a chance to meet is appropriate.

I understand this is a horribly sad topic and I hope I don't upset anybody, please know I am very grateful to anybody generous enough to share something. Thank you.

OP posts:

Mantlemoose · 21/07/2021 18:59

Having lost the only photo I had of my DGF now I don't bother with anything like that. It's in my heart and my head and no one can take that away.

Original poster

cumulonimbus523 · 21/07/2021 19:06

Thank you for all the further replies - I certainly wasn't expecting this many!

I will definitely get DP to have a think about any stories or questions he has and note them down. I think there's tons about both his parents' early lives which he's never discussed. I also love the idea of reading a children's story, if they can manage it. Thankfully although they are of course very ill their speech is relatively strong.

I'm so sorry for all of the hardship and loss everyone's been through. Thank you so much for sharing with me.

OP posts:

backinthebox · 21/07/2021 19:06

I’m going to be grim here. My dad died last year and the one single thing he could have done to save us so much grief and heartache would have been to have signed his will. Without going into any detail, the way he left his family has denied us the ability to grieve properly as the implications of his unsigned will have left us with a situation we had never wanted to be involved in. We cannot simply walk away as the situation is too complex and affects too many people. It has ruined all the other good memories we ever had of him. He had not written his will when he was well, and he became superstitious as his cancer progressed and believed if he signed his will it would be signing his acceptance of his fate. So he told his children about it, told his solicitor, but did not sign it, and now a person who was specifically detailed in his documents as not to be involved in any of his affairs after his death has taken control of his estate, and has treated the rest of his family in a unusually cruel way.

It’s not nice to have to talk about it, but it is important in helping minimise any disputes after your relative has gone that they have their affairs in order. I’ve spoken to so many people since who have had unpleasant experiences after the death of a relative because their paperwork was a mess. We went on trips and adventures with my dad knowing he was terminally ill in order to create good memories. All of that unpicked by the situation we are still in over a year after he died, with no end in sight.

mewkins · 21/07/2021 19:10

I lost my dad last year and my mum managed to uncover some videos she took of him with the kids. However, I can still hear him so clearly in my head. I would say spend as much time as you can recounting stories etc and asking the questions you've always wanted to xx

Original poster

cumulonimbus523 · 21/07/2021 19:31

@backinthebox thank you for being honest, practicalities aren't something to run away from - thankfully all legal affairs are in order here. I'm sorry your family are going through so much stress, I really hope you can find a resolution soon and grieve properly.

OP posts:

waltzingparrot · 21/07/2021 19:34

Over the years my DM has told me wonderful stories of her childhood and her parents and grandparents; what they did, how they lived, funny stories. I set the camera up one day and filmed her telling me these stories, prompting her, almost an interview really. She's 95 and still with us but her memory is not so good now. I'll always have that bit of film to share with the children.

SciFiScream · 21/07/2021 19:42

My DM died 35 years ago (I was 8). I'd love to hear her voice, I've forgotten what it sounds like.

Perfume, to know about her. Stories about her.

SpacePug · 21/07/2021 20:00

I hope this is okay to ask on this thread but it has made me think. I have 2 grandparents left, I'm very close to them and they adore my two young DC. They're both late 80's but doing very well.. anyway I would like to have a video of them both with my children, how do I do this in a way which doesn't seem like I'm expecting them to die soon (I'm not! But they might think that?). I might say I'm going to take a photo then do a little video? Or just video while they are naturally talking to the kids and hope they don't notice? I don't want to upset them, by them thinking I'm taking a video as they're not going to be here much longer. Though saying that, with the rising cases they aren't doing hugs at the moment so we probably won't be getting close to them for a while again 😢

Flip

1 2