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Original poster

Hand hold needed about friend staying with me

49 replies

imamearcat · 19/07/2021 22:58

I've posted before about my friend. She has split with partner due to drink/MH issues. Stayed with family for a bit but they are a bit of a nightmare so now staying with us.

Anyway she was really positive to start with, trying to find a job / somewhere to live. Really trying with her son who lives locally. Things haven't worked out that well job wise although she has had a few opportunities that she felt were not right. Housing seems hard to find on her very limited income.

She is on a complete downward spiral now. Her ex has text me worried about her sending him random suicidal scribbles. She shuts herself off in her room a lot and says she's 'fine'.

I've got to be honest I don't think I want her here now. I've got little kids to think of. But I feel so awful! She is talking about going back to her mums and closing the door on her 6yo son which I think will be the worst mistake of her life but feel like she's too far gone for me to be able to help now. But also feel like it will be the nail in the coffin if she goes back to her mums.

What should I do?

OP posts:
romdowa · 19/07/2021 23:00

If she Is the one with mh and drink issues then you can't help her , nobody can. Only she can help herself and only when she is truly ready. I wouldn't expose my children to her while trying to save her.

HollowTalk · 19/07/2021 23:02

I don't understand. She has a horrible ex - what's the deal with her mum? And what does she mean about closing the door on her son?

HollowTalk · 19/07/2021 23:03

Sorry, I can see you said her family's a nightmare - is there nobody there at all that could help her?

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Relationship problems
Wolfiefan · 19/07/2021 23:04

You can tell her she can stay until x when you’ll need the room because y.
You can’t fix her.
She needs to fix herself. Is she the drinker? MH issues she needs to seek professional help. Seen GP?

Original poster
imamearcat · 19/07/2021 23:06

No her ex is ok I think, it's hard to figure out what has actually happened.

Mum is lovely but just really rough family. Always loads of drama, drink, drugs, violence etc.

She's not been an issue to the kids at all so far but things seem to have changed last couple of days, she's completely shut down to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
imamearcat · 19/07/2021 23:07

Yes she is the alcoholic.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 19/07/2021 23:07

You can’t have her behaviour affecting your kids. That’s not ok.

Comedycook · 19/07/2021 23:09

You need to put your dc first. It's not appropriate for her to be staying in the home your dc live in. It is unnecessary drama. You can still be her friend but at arms length I think

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 19/07/2021 23:10

What is she doing that is making it difficult for you snd and your family?

You need to put your own family first though

Original poster
imamearcat · 19/07/2021 23:11

It doesn't really affect kids she's quite controlled in a way and keeps herself out of the way (she has her own floor on house so a bedroom, living room, bathroom). So just shuts herself off but drinking more than she lets on. Think been drinking and driving last couple of days although she says not.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 19/07/2021 23:12

You can’t condone drinking and driving.
Plus don’t pretend your kids don’t know.
She needs to leave.

Original poster
imamearcat · 19/07/2021 23:13

More it's affecting me I suppose. Ex keeps texting me with these sducidal things she's been texting him I'm not sure if just a last attempt to desperately get him back?

She's been to doctors, overdosed etc. No help seemingly available

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 19/07/2021 23:14

Get her out of your house as soon as possible.

Original poster
imamearcat · 19/07/2021 23:15

@Wolfiefan we have been on away loads or out and about they hardly see her and if they do she is fine. Seems to be able to turn it on and off like that

OP posts:
Original poster
imamearcat · 19/07/2021 23:16

@PersonaNonGarter I feel like that now. I don't think she would be a danger to our kids?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 19/07/2021 23:18

They know.
Daughter of an alcoholic.
They know.
She needs to abide by basic house rules or leave.
You can’t save her.

PersonaNonGarter · 19/07/2021 23:18

As long as she is there she is a risk to your peace. If she is suicidal and your DC find her you will never forgive yourself.

I’m your shoes I’d be driving her to her mums.

PepperPepperMan · 19/07/2021 23:21

Give her notice- 24hrs and then arrange for her to live with her mum

alexdgr8 · 19/07/2021 23:23

an alcoholic should not be driving. full stop.
i think you made a mistake having her to stay in your house.
from your OP above, i thought the ex was the one with MH/drink problems, and that you were giving her somewhere to flee from her.
could you contact social services and ask for help.
you need to get her out. you have your own family to consider.
it will affect them even if she mostly stays in her room.

Original poster
imamearcat · 19/07/2021 23:28

She's not that far gone that she doesn't understand our reaction to her suggesting to go to her mums, neither would she want to outstay her welcome. I think she knows it's time.

I mean I'm no angel, me, DH and both sides of family like a good drink but this is just a whole different level. Like that's all she's bothered about? Even more than her own 6yo son which I find extremely distressing.

OP posts:
Peoniesandpeaches · 19/07/2021 23:35

I’d really recommend www.Adfam.org.uk they are a really helpful organization and can explain a lot about addiction and boundaries. It feels like you are enabling her right now and she isn’t having to really assume any responsibility for her life. I suspect that she’ll not feel any job opportunities are right for her while she knows she can hide in your house and drink.
I also think it’s really important that if you suspect she has got in the car drunk that you call the police at the time. I know I wouldn’t want it in my conscience if she harmed someone while driving and I’d known/suspected.

Original poster
imamearcat · 19/07/2021 23:35

She was really down last night then she got up early. Went to shop, then slept all afternoon. Woke up and was going to shop again.

I ended up driving and said would have a drink / chat with her as seemed really down.

She had one tiny glass of wine then was really emotional / went to bed. So I think she must have had a bottle of wine or so this morning? That wasn't in the rules!

OP posts:
Original poster
imamearcat · 19/07/2021 23:37

I think you are right @Peoniesandpeaches. It's never the right hours for her son or she doesn't get a good feel. But then she doesn't seem to want to have her son either because she knows she can't get bollocked / sleep all day

OP posts:
AdultingAvoidance · 20/07/2021 00:01

Alcoholics minimise their behaviour. They lie. I would explain that it is time for her to move on. Give her 7 days and ask if she needs assistance in making arrangements. Be kind but firm

Original poster
imamearcat · 20/07/2021 00:04

Thanks everyone.

OP posts: