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Original poster

Hand hold needed about friend staying with me

49 replies

imamearcat · 19/07/2021 22:58

I've posted before about my friend. She has split with partner due to drink/MH issues. Stayed with family for a bit but they are a bit of a nightmare so now staying with us.

Anyway she was really positive to start with, trying to find a job / somewhere to live. Really trying with her son who lives locally. Things haven't worked out that well job wise although she has had a few opportunities that she felt were not right. Housing seems hard to find on her very limited income.

She is on a complete downward spiral now. Her ex has text me worried about her sending him random suicidal scribbles. She shuts herself off in her room a lot and says she's 'fine'.

I've got to be honest I don't think I want her here now. I've got little kids to think of. But I feel so awful! She is talking about going back to her mums and closing the door on her 6yo son which I think will be the worst mistake of her life but feel like she's too far gone for me to be able to help now. But also feel like it will be the nail in the coffin if she goes back to her mums.

What should I do?

OP posts:

Happymum12345 · 20/07/2021 00:05

Your friend is very unwell. I would keep trying to get her help. There are people who can help in these situations. Mental health crisis. I hope someone would help me if I was in a similar situation.

Original poster

imamearcat · 20/07/2021 00:22

She is with the crisis team but they don't seem to have done much. She's really struggling to get help.

OP posts:

BritInAus · 20/07/2021 01:13

You sound like a very loving, caring friend, and your friend sounds like she's in a very dark place. As PP have said, any change can only come from her.

Yes, she needs to go and stay with her family. Your family need to be your priority. Whilst she may behave/be in control in front of your kids, what if something happens? What if they find her collapsed, or worse?

I think you need to tell her you love her, you understand she has an addiction and you are there for her, but she needs to go and stay with her family who can support her best. That you are there as a friend, a shoulder to cry on. If you are happy to, offer to go with her to the GP, or an AA meeting, or to help her find a local alcohol/drug support group. But be aware that it's very likely she won't want to do this, or may well do this and then not continue to engage. Only she can fix it.

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MistySkiesAfterRain · 20/07/2021 01:23

Her behaviour is deeply selfish but thats alcohol for you. In the nicest way, you are enabling her. She doesn't have to face issues as long as she doesn't have to take responsibility for keeping a roof over her head. Its a very difficult one but you just keep hope.

Onynx · 20/07/2021 06:11

Same here @Wolfiefan - been there and have the t-shirt. The children know. Also in her mind you are her allie, condoning, justifying and enabling her behaviour. This isn't something that a stay with you or anybody else is going to solve- it's huge and bigger than all of you. She needs serious professional help and sadly that may not work either. Be there and be her friend- but from a distance x

Greenwateringcan · 20/07/2021 06:17

She needs to go.

And if her family have boundaries and she can’t go there then that’s unfortunate but she will have to turn to the proper agencies for help.

You can’t help her - you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it.

And your kids know. Trust me.

Wolfiefan · 20/07/2021 07:23

She needs to help herself. Alcohol will exacerbate the depression. She needs to stop.
You can’t pull her out of this.
She needs to leave.
You can still be a friend but you can’t be her saviour.

Original poster

imamearcat · 20/07/2021 08:18

Thanks hun. I'm hoping she will go on her own accord today but if she doesn't I'm going to ask her to leave.

OP posts:

Original poster

imamearcat · 20/07/2021 08:19

Thanks hun? thanks people of Mumsnet!

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 20/07/2021 08:47

But where would she go to? I know that's not your responsibility but would her family have her back?

Greenwateringcan · 20/07/2021 08:48

That’s not the op’s problem. Dealing with an alcoholic needs hard boundaries.

Original poster

imamearcat · 20/07/2021 09:05

@HollowTalk she will be able to go to her mums. But there is lots of drinking and drama there so not ideal plus she won't really have access to her DS because it's an hour or so away (which is a really big deal to her)

OP posts:

suggestionsplease1 · 20/07/2021 09:08

I'd have an honest conversation with her that you love her and you're really worried about her but that you can't let the situation impact your family.

Has she referred herself to addiction services or worked with her GP recently? I'd be pushing her in that direction.

Greenwateringcan · 20/07/2021 09:10

If she’s drinking that much she probably shouldn’t be around her DS anyway.

CagneyNYPD · 20/07/2021 09:17

It's only an hour away. That in itself should not stop her from seeing her son. But it could be used as a convenient reason.

You have your own dc to protect and priortise. Your friend's son is with their father, thank goodness. You can't save her.

Original poster

imamearcat · 20/07/2021 09:41

She's is in with this STARS thing, it's just group counselling once a week, don't think she's been last couple of weeks though. Has seen GP on a load of meds but don't seem to be helping much.

OP posts:

Original poster

imamearcat · 20/07/2021 09:44

@CagneyNYPD yes there is always an excuse for everything. I'm so shocked that she's not really been that bothered about seeing her DS.

I feel really bad for her ex now, we've spoken quite a bit over last few days and I think I've got wrong end of stick (from listening to friends side) about what has been going on. I used to think he was a bit controlling but I think actually maybe he has suffered some kind of abuse now from her.

OP posts:

Greenwateringcan · 20/07/2021 09:56

If she’s an alcoholic she will lie. And twist everything. You need to be aware of that.

viques · 20/07/2021 10:05

She is an alcoholic.

Her first priority is alcohol, not her son, her family, her health, you, your children........

Alcohol. It’s all she thinks about, it’s all she needs. She would walk past you bleeding in the street if stopping to help you meant not drinking.

Sadly by being a good friend you are enabling her by offering her a safe place to drink and drinking with her. Why should she make life uncomfortable for herself by dealing with her illness herself when you are doing such a good job of dealing with it for her?

Original poster

imamearcat · 20/07/2021 10:20

Yep I see that now. Also we've been trying to help her by making sure she has a bit of money and not charging rent etc. But can see now that's not really been helping.

I think I just thought that she might not be as far down the line as she is. I thought the break up had then the trigger of her going on a bender but actually the drinking was a trigger of the breakup.

OP posts:

Greenwateringcan · 20/07/2021 10:25

You’re enabling not helping x

Original poster

imamearcat · 20/07/2021 10:47

She's gone but left quite a lot of her stuff. Said she's going for a few days.

OP posts:

worktrip · 20/07/2021 11:33

She needs to leave. She is not your responsibility. You have to protect your own family. That said contact social services as she is a vulnerable adult and presumably her is is a vulnerable child. They should advise you. Speak to her mother about what help she has had in the past.

Original poster

imamearcat · 21/07/2021 23:14

Just a little update on this.

Massive panic yesterday because she went AWOL, said she was going to her mums but she never showed up. Her ex was panicking because she's sent him all these really dark / suicidal messages. We were ringing round frantically trying to figure out where she was, her ex driving round where she might be, wanted to report her missing.

I had just messaged my boss to say 'sorry major drama I need to go and look for my friend' type thing. Turns out she's gone to her alcoholic sisters who she's been slagging off for weeks because she took £1000 off her last time around. Only place she knows she can get wasted basically.

So feeling quite angry but quite relieved, she will know she can't come back here now. She's on a different level to anything I have ever known. My dad is also an alcoholic, drinks 2 bottles of wine a day. He's a bit annoying sometimes but happy / kind / no drama. She is a different kind of alcoholic I think! I thought she would be more like that!

Sounds like she's completely given up on her kid. I just find it so heartbreaking. I've not said she can't come back I'm hoping to avoid giving her something else to feel sorry for herself, but she's not coming back here that's for sure!

OP posts:

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