I feel such a bad mummy to my 3yr old.

[Mammy1987]

Hello Everyone just wanted some advice.

I love being a mother but it's such hard work. I have a 3year old and 6 month old. I feel I go around in a vicious circle of being a good mother then a bad mother :-( when im a bad mother(shouting like a mad woman, dragging 3yr old to do something as so annoyed with her) to which I end up riddled with guilt then makes me feel depressed as I know I've upset her and worry it will damage her in the long run.

I try so so hard everyday but usually once a week I irrupt and my patience goes up in smoke. I struggle with my own mental health as it is then trying to constantly be the best mother is draining. I have to get out everyday as we go loopy and get bored if we stay in then the housework doesn't get done. Sometimes I wonder if being a parent was the right choice for me

Please help!

Sorry to hear this OP.

Okay, firstly, breathe! It’s so unbelievably hard with a baby. I promise it gets better.

Sleep deprivation and trying to parent makes it hard to be the best, so please cut yourself some slack. Stop trying to do everything and slow down. Take naps, get some support. Make sure you are eating and resting. Do you have a partner or family who can help more?

Let all of the pressure to be on time, do lots of activities etc. go. You’re daughter needs attention and that is difficult, so instead of getting frustrated with her, ask her to help you do things for you and the baby. Say “mummy needs you to get X first, and then we can Y”. Explain that your tired, that you love her, that you want to play, but right now you have to sort the baby out. Empathise with her that’s it’s frustrating whilst baby is so dependent, but soon it will be lots of fun to have a play mate.

It’s not too late to change your behaviour, so let go of the mum guilt. Do easy things with her, like play snap, read books, watch tv together, go for ice cream or a walk. Things you can do with baby.

When you start getting upset, leave the room, or just explain how you’re feeling. Ask her how she’s feeling. Learn to listen to one another.

Remember how much you love her. You’ll be okay!

@Snorkello thank you for your kind words. There's alot in that list we do already which is quite surprising, we do have brilliant communication with each other when we're having good days. More good days than bad but I always spoil it and let myself down

Just focus on the basics re house work. If you can afford to throw money at these younger years do

@Lemonmelonsun how do you mean? Afford to throw away money?

I could have written your post (except baby is a couple of months younger) and I just wanted you to know someone else feels exactly the same. It's really tough managing a 3 year old and a baby, and it sounds like you're managing your emotions a lot of the time which is really impressive when you're tired and balancing the needs of two children.

I'm looking for tips too, but have found some things that have helped. For example, I had some rubbish occasions of dragging DS back to the car because I'd told him it was time to go and then he'd headed off in the wrong direction to do something else. I've got better at setting expectations at the start e.g. when the timer goes off it's time to go back to the car (and showing him my phone), giving reminders about how long is left on the timer and being really positive when he leaves nicely. Also we've started going to the same park a lot and basically do exactly the same things, so he knows what to expect and accepts when it's time to go (and I accept that we say bye to the waterfall and balance back to the car along a particular wall).

I keep reading How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen, and when I can manage to follow the tips I think it helps (although I frequently hear myself saying something unhelpful because I get so frustrated). Is there anything in particular that triggers you getting cross? It might be worth trying to plan for whatever your particular triggers are so you've got a phrase in mind you can use or something you can do calmly (easier said than done!)

The only other thing I've seen as a suggestion is committing to what you want to do (e.g. speaking to your child respectfully) and then having people to hold you accountable, which you could always do here. Since I need to do the same thing, happy to try and report back tomorrow if you think that would help.

@prettygirlincrimsonrose
She is a good child 90% of the time, although her biggest problem is not listening to me, I always get down to eye level and ask her nicely 'if she is listening to me' and she looks at me and agrees alot of the time, which is a positive. My triggers are pressure of motherhood, wondering if im doing enough with her(role play with dolls house bores me to death but do it because I have too) , housework as my partner is hicky hacky lazy, nagging to play play play alot during the day and she's always up a height, I am also working everyday not to lose my rag over little things. I guess sometimes I just want to be left alone the joys of motherhood lol.

Also we always apologise to each other if we've done wrong and have a kiss and cuddle, but then it happens again this is what I mean about the cycle arghhhh x

I have a 3.3 year old and a nearly 3 month old and I feel exactly the same.

I go from best mum to angry mum so quickly and I'm just so overwhelmed.
When it was just her the stuff I used to find so endearing now is becoming irritating. And it hurts me so much because when she was my only I could never imagine feeling this way.
I'm hoping when she starts morning sessions come September it will mellow her out for a while until ds becomes a playmate (I hope)

Your new post is literally me right now!

You are not alone, it's normal, I've just realised

So glad im not alone, this mum guilt is a killer!
My 3yr old starts nursery in Sept 3 days a week which she is going to love, this will take the pressure off and as you say @alongwiththesunshine our babies can grow into play mates eventually

I definitely get wanting to be left alone and not be repeatedly asked for the same thing. Or even getting to enjoy a bit of time with just the baby without DS trying to get involved (even though he's not trying to hurt her and is usually trying to cuddle her or bounce her chair, I just want him to do something on his own for a bit). To be honest that's often when I snap so I'm trying to find a way to deal with my frustration, but it's still a process.

And definitely get feeling guilty about being irritated by the older one @alongwiththesunshine. Sorry you're going through this as well.

She's so rough with her sister too but loves her so much, im always saying 'be gentle she's a baby or stop doing that as she takes her toys or squinches her cheeks' x

Same here! I only have one DD (2.5) who is amazing 90% of the time but she can really push me to the brink other times. The best thing that worked for me was to identify a very precise list of triggers and be very aware of how to improve or avoid them. So every 30-60mins I might take stock in how I'm feeling and do something to adjust that. An example might be:

• I hate the feeling after breakfast where there seems to be so many hours in the day to fill and I'm still so tired from not enough sleep and she starts whining and constantly wants my attention.

• Being hungry/thirsty/tired is also a major trigger so I will make sure I drink a lot of water when I'm home. (Drinking while out with her doesn't work since I will need the loo and it's often a nightmare to wrangle a toddler and buggy at the same time)

• I get very anxious because I never know how long she will stay in a buggy so I can't go for walks like I did when she was a baby. This was one thing which really helped my MH and I found the movement with a buggy very soothing.

Solutions:

• Right after breakfast I will pack a bag with milk/snacks and get out of the house. Even if it's just 20mins of fresh air, I always feel like I'm accomplished something when we get back and don't have that antsy feeling of being trapped and a terrible mum because she's watching TV and I'm looking at my phone.

• I have a stash of small cheap toys/sticker books which I pick up on sale or at discount shops. If I feel my mood is on the brink of tipping, I stick her in the buggy with a toy and she's usually happy staying there for a while.

• I don't mind spending money on toys or treats that might feel wasteful or spoiling her because it's an investment in my own MH. Having 20mins of peaceful walking or being able to finish a coffee in peace is crucial in being able to recharge my mental energy. Without that, I'm more likely to explode which makes me feel much worse afterwards.

I think your list of triggers might be too broad to devise a solid action plan. It's easier to find solutions if the problem includes where, when, what, why. It often boils down to the fact that you just need more time to yourself, ideally 7 days and nights but that's sadly impossible. So the only option is to learn how to recharge on tiny chunks of time throughout the day, and how to carve those chunks out for yourself.

I'm also guilty of letting DD eat meals in front of the TV just so I can take a breather. I don't beat myself up for the that since I know she's just an obnoxious toddler for a short time and in a year or two she'll be able to sit at the table like an adult.

@PlayDohDots

Very good advice there, your doing brilliant.
My triggers seem abit daft when I think about it.

I like to get ready on a morning(putting my makeup on)but sometimes I don't get the time that irritates me as I dont like looking a mess - I usually give my 3yr old the tablet till im done while my 6.mo th old. Sleeps or plays with her toys on the floor.

Another trigger is tiredness and seems to hit us both around 3-4pm. I want to wind down where as my 3 Yr old goes the opposite way and gets cranky, doesn't communicate or just goes crazy loud and boistress lol im lucky she goes to bed at 6ish.

Not being prepared, rushing in the morning which leads to stress.

Hi OP. All the PPs show you are not alone! We all have moments of frustration.

Let go of some of your expectations of being the best mother. We can’t always be perfect. We are human and sleep deprivation and lack of personal time can be really hard on our ability to stay calm. You’re triggers are not daft!

Have you read The book you wish your parents had read? It’s about knowing your triggers, you’re own experience as a child and how to build better relationships.

Have a word with your partner. Get them to have the kids whilst you do your make up. Can they have the kids for an hour in the afternoon when you’re needing a rest? Can they sort the baby bag and pack snacks for the day for you?

My OH would happily sit back and do nothing, but we have a set routine of things he does to help. I also find he is my biggest trigger. When he doesn’t help, or he’s upset me, I start getting stressed. He can see that now, and jumps in to help. Took a while for us to figure this out though!

The best advice I’ve ever heard is just to let it go. The stress, the worry, being on time. Slow down, don’t get irate when shoes aren’t on.

I also trust my older ones with the baby. Bath them together, don’t chastise them for being rough. My eldest loves to play with my youngest, and can be quite clumsy. I’ll quietly freak out and say careful etc. But the baby loves interacting and actually, he’s fine. He loves being tickled and brought into their games. It’s always safe. It’s me who is paranoid. I’ve let this go. Baby is a bit older now and they all race about the house playing games. They know his limits because I’ve guided them without shouting or interfering. Bring your daughter into all of it. She will love having baths with baby, helping pick out outfits, brushing their teeth together. And when you do your make up, do it with her. Show her everything you do. Soon enough she will be brushing your hair. These moments will mean more than playing dolls, I promise.

Having a second baby is tough with a preschooler around. Only tip I have is rather than saying "stop doing that to her" say " I think X would prefer it if you sang baa baa...." So it turns into saying no to saying lets all do something together and lots of praise for singing it SO well. Or ask her to draw a picture.

Don't be afraid to also set some quiet time for the eldest - colouring while listening to an audiobook always worked with my DD, she could do that for hours, or do jigsaw puzzles. We had a little table in the corner of the living room so she could do it in the same room but wouldn't need active attention from me

When she goes to nursery I recommend the book "busy being Bella". My DD got me to read it but change all the names so it was about her and DS

The three year old - suddenly seems like a mature child once a helpless baby arrives. If you see a 3 year old beside a teenager they are what they are a tiny baby/child. 3 is still very young.

There's some fantastic advice on here, thank you for your thread and honesty OP

I've a (nearly) 4 year old & 2.5 year old and struggling to split myself in two atm. There's a jealously from my eldest everytime I need to do anything with my 2 year old. It's understandable and totally not her fault but I'm in a constant negotiation with her that 'Dd2 needs some mummy time/will you help mummy/we can do this after.....etc etc etc...' I've tried the 'no' which results in massive tantrum and just makes things 10 times worse-

I end up giving her a treat which is just rewarding and reinforcing but at least it let's me give Dd2 time! I feel so guilty I'm not giving her enough time and attention.

I'm looking for a book to help, something titled 'how to split in two, have 8 arms' or the like. Or how to survive on 72 hours no sleep, for 3 years....any suggestions?

(While writing that some great tips on books, and love the quiet time/audio book idea! She'd love that!)

No, not throw money away, throw money at "it", ie pay for help, a cleaner, a mums friend.. A few hours with a child minder etc

Another trigger is tiredness and seems to hit us both around 3-4pm. I want to wind down where as my 3 Yr old goes the opposite way and gets cranky, doesn't communicate or just goes crazy loud and boistress lol im lucky she goes to bed at 6ish

That's her also being tired and cranky.

You also don't need to play play play all the time, it does them good to play alone to develop an imagination. Or you end up with an older kid who simply can't entertain themselves.

What's your bloke doing, apart from being 'hicky hacky lazy'? Is he doing his bit so you can get a break?

You also don't need to play play play all the time, it does them good to play alone to develop an imagination. Or you end up with an older kid who simply can't entertain themselves.

I get that, but how can you teach a 3 year old to play alone? Especially when you have a younger sibling? She's trying to teach my 2 year old yoga atm but my two year old wants to sit on mummy's lap and read a book!? I can't pick a side when they're both doing lovely things, they're just not wanting to do the same things at the same time right now- ???

@gamerchick he works 9-6 so out all day and omly gets weekends off. He will do bottles, cook sometimes but that's about it. He has been busy with his old house getting it ready as its sold thank the lord. I think I just put to much pressure on myself to be the best mam I can be. I get them both out everyday doing something nice and to me that's good going lol

@Mammy1987 it's fantastic you get them both out everyday! We're off to an adventure park today and I have to be honest I'm dreading it. They both didn't sleep well last night (the heat, I got tag teamed!) I've not slept at all, again. It's hard to keep upbeat when your knackered!

You don't need to be a perfect mum, just a good enough one. And you are. This is the hardest stage - my two were almost exactly 2 years apart and it was so, so tough. It gets easier when the younger one can walk and talk - then they can play together. I was lucky in that I always worked full time and could just about afford childcare, that gave me a break, but it was still hard.

I'd see what you can let slip a bit at home in terms of housework - you can't have two really young DC and maintain a show home. And be kinder to yourself.