Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Kids keep leaving dd out and telling her they hate her

31 replies

howdoihelpherr · 19/07/2021 10:14

I could really do with some advice. Dd started at a new school recently due to a house move and she’s really struggling to settle in. A few weeks ago the children on the table she sat with started ignoring her and wouldn’t pass her equipment etc when they were meant to be sharing it out. The teacher dealt with it at the time and all was good. Then the girls started saying “put your hand up if you hate dd” and everyone on the table did that. She was very upset, wouldn’t go to school and told me that whenever she tried talking to them they would tell her to “shut up” or “I don’t care, shut up”.

I spoke to the teacher again who was very good about it, said she’d noticed a bit of nastiness (with the sharing stuff out) and would move dd to a new table and split the old table up around the room. She did but dd still refused to go to school because she said she has no friends. School persuaded her to come by implementing a star chart and a treat at the end of the week. They stopped doing that after a week so now dd is convinced they’ve forgotten about her and they dislike her too. Lots of tears about missing her old school (where she was well liked and had a good group of friends).

I managed to get her to go into school again with a bit of bribery and she came out bursting excited because she’d been invited to a party. I was very happy thinking yay she does have friends maybe she’d misunderstood the other kids a bit. The next day she told the girl she was coming to her party and is very excited about it. The girl told her “shut up I don’t care”. Dd is devastated because she thought she’d made friends and was so so excited and it’s all been shattered again and she said she felt so embarrassed and stupid for getting her hopes up.

I’m so worried and sad for her. She’s crying every night and morning before school, she says she has no friends, and school got her hopes up with this bloody reward chart that has just been abandoned. Her confidence is being destroyed bit by bit.

I just want to make it better for her and I don’t know how. It’s getting to the point now where she’s begging to leave school and be home educated but that’s not an option for us. Schools in the area are oversubscribed so I can’t just move her and this school was supposed to be really good and inclusive.

Has anyone had a similar situation before or have any advice?

OP posts:

goteam · 19/07/2021 10:19

How old is DD? Sometimes kids are nasty in peer groups but not on their own. Could you invite one of the other kids on a playdate to try and break up the dominant group?

Arsebucket · 19/07/2021 10:20

No, but I was that child.

And the worst thing was my parents telling me I was either making it up, telling me to just ignore them or straight up telling me it must be my fault.

I’m so glad your dd has you

PieceOfString · 19/07/2021 10:21

That's so so cruel! Is there any possibiity there is an alternative school? The school culture sounds toxic! How old is she?

I can't speak from experience sorry, but that is a killer for self esteem if the nastiness can't be melted soon.

While you try to help her find a way through / change schools, make sure she has plenty of contact outside with people who think she is ace if you can, hobby friendship groups, her old friends etc. My nephew went through a shit patch at school for a while once but the thing that saved him was he had 2 solid groups of friends that were nothing to do with school (his hobbies) so he could see (and feel) that the crap he was getting was everything to do with the horrid kids at school and nothing to do with him. He was lucky his self-perception was protected that way.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Lemonmelonsun · 19/07/2021 10:25

More pressure needs to go on the school for the fostering a kind culture and the head needs to get involved and clamp down on it

Daffodilsforspring · 19/07/2021 10:27

The teacher admitted that she had seen 'nastiness' so needs to be doing more than just moving her to a new table and splitting the other children up. Those children need consequences and parents need to be made aware. This needs to be monitored. I think you should go back to the school and talk to them.
I'm sorry this is happening to your daughter.

PieceOfString · 19/07/2021 10:31

Absolutely the school need to help here. I can imagine if you try to engineer things it could backfire if it is seen as her mum trying to make her some friends.
My kids school would never have allowed this, the way new children are introduced and helped to assimilate makes a big difference. Kids can be so nasty, but pound to a penny if they actually had a chance to get to know her they would change their tune individually, sounds like they are towing the line behind a strong character or are feeling threatened she will disrupt the group dynamic. Kids are like chickens, they fear losing their spot in the pecking order but this kind of fear driven nastiness doesn't thrive if the school show a better way and encourage each child to have healthy relationships.

PieceOfString · 19/07/2021 10:32

My heart goes out to your daughter.

Suzi7979 · 19/07/2021 10:32

The teacher should me more strict and do something about it. I think it's better if you talk to the teacher and the head and maybe also look for another school. It doesn't look like a welcoming environment rather toxic.

Ozanj · 19/07/2021 10:33

Is there another school?

SlothinSpirit · 19/07/2021 10:56

How old is your DD? Is there another school she could go to? Could you send her to some summer camps/activity days over the holidays to boost her confidence and then she could perhaps have a fresh start somewhere else?

These children all sound quite unpleasant and I'm not sure I would want my child having to deal with them for years to come, especially as the school sound feeble and ineffective at combating bullying.

MilkEyedMender · 19/07/2021 10:59

So sorry OP. Are there are any clubs or hobbies outside of school where she could meet new people and make friends there. Things like Drama, Tennis and etc. I'd also be pressuring the school to crack down on these children's behaviour as it's unacceptable and check their anti-bullying policy out too

30degreesandmeltinghere · 19/07/2021 11:01

Your dd needs another source of friends... A club /Brownies etc... She will find a new confidence and returning to school won't be as bad. Ime girls can start bitchy behaviour quite young!!

Horehound · 19/07/2021 11:02

God that's horrendous
I too had the thought of asking one of the people your dad likes best round for a fun day or something. Then she'd have someone to rely on at school?

Otherwise, I'd seriously look to move schools and home school for a while. It sounds horrendous.

Comedycook · 19/07/2021 11:04

I'd try to move her...some school classes seem just to be like that and no amount of intervention can change the vibe. Poor thing...must be heartbreaking for you

Clymene · 19/07/2021 11:04

You need to go back to the school. This is entirely unacceptable

Whimsy14 · 19/07/2021 11:06

I agree that it's the school's job to sort out the culture of nastiness, and an effective teacher should be capable of this. Simply moving children around the room doesn't address the problem. The children need clear instructions and boundaries regarding kindness, and proper sharing of equipment.
The teacher should definitely be having a serious talk with the class, praising acts of kindness that he/she observes, and making children apologize if they are unkind to another child. It would also help to involve parents of the 'nasty' children as they are probably unaware of their child's behaviour.

MarmaladeToastAndAMarmaladeCat · 19/07/2021 11:07

I would go on the waiting list for another school. It doesn’t sound like they are doing enough to stop this behaviour. They need to do more than splitting a table up. It sounds like quite an unpleasant toxic environment if that many children are being nasty to her on a regular basis. I was on the receiving end of this sort of stuff when I moved schools aged 9 and it really affected my self esteem during my teen years.

ViewFromTheTowers · 19/07/2021 11:51

Talk to school today. This is unacceptable behaviour by the other children and a light needs to be shone on it to nip it in the bud now. Tell them the star chart was helping and can they implement it until school breaks up for the summer.

How old is your daughter, what year group is this?

Make a record now of what has occurred so far and what school's response has been. Go onto their website and find their bullying policy and see what steps they take when they are alerted to bullying happening. Excluding a child is bullying. When you have spoken to school today follow it up with an email confirming what action they will be taking. It isn't good enough to just have a bullying policy, they need to implement it too.

In the primary school I volunteer in we come down hard on this type of behaviour.

Polkadots2021 · 19/07/2021 11:56

Your poor DD! That's absolutely disgusting behaviour. Is there more than one class in her year and any chance of moving her to that one? Failing that I'd go nuclear on the teacher and say you have a bad case of bullying to deal with and a child who is suffering terribly. And what is going to be done? A star chart is a poor effort to be honest. Moving tables, laying the law down to the class, asking some of the nicer students to take her under their wing, and on and on and on. This needs way more action.

Lindorfestival · 19/07/2021 12:02

How much do school know? Do they know immediately when comments are made?
Email the teacher everyday and explain exactly what is happening and how your daughter is feeling. They may have assumed some of the issues have resolved themselves or not be aware of the severity? Be 'that' parent and keep on at the school until more is done to support your daughter.

Bythemillpond · 19/07/2021 12:31

Move schools.
I presume this is an Ofsted rated Outstanding or Good school.

I left Ds in a school like this for 9 months. It destroyed him.

Sometimes children can be really nasty and if they aren’t pulled up immediately the behaviour gets engrained.

I ended up after 2 years of homeschooling putting him in a school that was in special measures. (It had a new HT)
It was a far better school

Arsebucket · 19/07/2021 12:36

@Bythemillpond

Move schools. I presume this is an Ofsted rated Outstanding or Good school.

I left Ds in a school like this for 9 months. It destroyed him.

Sometimes children can be really nasty and if they aren’t pulled up immediately the behaviour gets engrained.

I ended up after 2 years of homeschooling putting him in a school that was in special measures. (It had a new HT)
It was a far better school

As an aside, when we moved last the only school that had a place for dd was a school on special measures with a new head.

It’s hands down the best school she’s been too. Far better than the outstanding one she left for teaching, pastoral care, everything. Sod ofstead.

Cam2020 · 19/07/2021 12:53

How horrible for both your daughter and you.

I dont have any experience, but I agree you need to push his with the school. The nasty bullies need to learn they can't and won't get away with such behaviour. Your daughter is an easy target, being new, but I'm sure if it wasn't her, it would be soneone else.

Probably just as well I decided against doing a PGCE, as a teacher I'd be so tempted to give these types a dose of their own medicine and spend a week ostracising and ridiculing them, then make them write an essay on how it made them feel.

Smartiepants79 · 19/07/2021 12:53

This year is nearly over.
What will happen in September. Does the class stay as it is? Or is it a bigger school with options of mixing and moving kids around?
If she’ll be in a different class mix nest year I’d see out the rest of this term and then try for a new start after the holidays.
Maybe speak to her new teacher and make sure they’re aware.

DamsonJammyBastard · 19/07/2021 12:55

Horrible little shits.

I'd be inclined to look for another school rather than hope this situation improves. I can't imagine how harmful it must be to your dd's self-esteem. Some groups of kids are just toxic and always will be and getting out is the best solution.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread