My friends just won't stick to plans - feeling quite hurt by it.

[Wisteriabloom]

Here are some examples -

A friend of mine suggested going out one evening, we decided on an outdoor cinema event a week later, I booked tickets, all sorted! I woke up the morning after booking, to an early text saying she'd just remembered her niece's birthday was then, she really needed to be there and hoped I could find someone else to go with. DD came with me so ticket wasn't wasted, but I felt a bit let down.

DH & I were supposed to be going to a pub garden for lunch with two other friends. They messaged a few days before saying they'd totally forgotten and could we rearrange for the following weekend, then cancelled again as they were 'tired' from a busy week. Said they'd be in touch to rearrange, but we still haven't heard, and that was back in May!! Dh & I went anyway and had a nice time, but weren't happy at being dropped twice in a row.

A neighbour I'm friendly with was coming round for coffee in the garden after work one afternoon recently, she then texted at the time she was due round, said she'd been held up at work and her sister called in unexpectedly, so could we make it another day. Was a bit fed up about it as had dashed from work to shop, to get some nice treats to have with our coffee, obv needn't have bothered! Rearranged for Thursday but she 'forgot', she suggested next Thursday so we'll see!!

The same friend we were supposed to go for lunch with (with her dh), suggested meeting for coffee & beach walk a few weeks back, I was halfway there to meet her and, you've guessed it, another text - 'DS isn't well and I need to food shop, so sorry but can we do another day?' I just gave a short reply and said let me know when you're free. Again, heard nothing since!☹

Btw, none of these people have been shielding due to Covid or anything, and these plans were all after the Lockdowns, some suggested by them rather than me, so I'm really miffed about it all! It just seems so thoughtless of them, when I've often worked my day around a meet-up, dashed from work, gone shopping specially, only to find it isn't happening after all😠

Are people becoming less sociable, or do they think less of me than I do them? A bit of both maybe🤔

Happened to me a lot. I don’t really have any friends now . A few years ago my company were giving tickets to an event at the Rail Museum in York, asked my best friend, her husband & kids did they want to go. All very enthusiastic, met them at the station to catch the train. Couldn’t go as her DS had thrown up in the car. Even his DF said it was just over-excitement and he was fine. I ended up going on my own, while they went for a day at the seaside .

I’ve arranged things with another friend to be told at the last minute “Oh, I forgot, DD has a party/swimming lesson/music practice” (all of which her DH is perfectly capable of doing). Must be me 🤷‍♀️.

Sounds like they take you for granted, maybe try being a bit less available? 😞

I’ve just had similar with a flaky friend - rearranged me twice (clearly because she got a better offer) and then tried to reschedule me a third time - I had already cancelled something else to accommodate her so I said no. She then tried to guilt trip me, which really pissed me off. We haven’t spoken since but she hasn’t tried to clear the air so I guess she doesn’t think she’s the problem (she has form for this generally).

She seems to think I have nothing better to do with my life than sit around waiting for her, much less have plans that I’d rearrange to see her, which I find fairly insulting in itself. I must say that so far I’m not feeling much of a loss - she tends to use me as her personal counselling service so it’s about time I made myself less available.

It’s so infuriating isn’t it. I have a friend like this and to be honest it is a standard joke in my house as to what time on what day I will get the cancellation text. And for the last 18 months the text always turns up. To the point now where other friends simply don’t invite her and she is very put out by this and likes to complain to me … I haven’t the energy right now to tackle it I just assume she will let me down and that works for me….

Sorry to hear some of you have encountered similar☹ I veer between feeling upset and angry each time it happens now. I'm someone who (barring illness or something major), puts things in the diary and sticks to them! I feel others see 'plans' as an option, not concrete, maybe I need new friends!

Dh & I have birthdays in September very close together. He's keen to book a buffet in our local pub, (we've been to a few there, they do them really nicely), for a dozen people inc us, invite our friends to pop in for a bite to eat & few drinks, and enjoy a catch-up with everyone. I'm in two minds - I'd honestly be worried they'd commit, but then not turn up and we'd be on our own with a pub full of food!!

Actually the last New Year's Eve before Lockdown we had similar, the pub holds themed 'NYE' events and we go in fancy dress, loosely based around 1960's, famous couples etc. Our group consists of 4 couples inc us, and that New Year two of the couples bailed on us last minute (sickness for one and too tired after busy Xmas for the other)🤔 The 4 of us went but it wasn't the same, we'd put effort into the 'theme' and it didn't really work with just us 4.
I'm tempted to spend the money on a nice day out/weekend away for dh & I, at least it will happen and we won't cancel on each other😀 Maybe being unsociable but I'm sure you can all understand why!😀

People are very flaky. I’d honestly stop arranging anything.

It’s not they think you are not busy doing other things, but that they aren’t thinking of you at all.
I had a friend who 8 out of ten times we made an arrangement would pull out last minute. I have another who does that annoying ‘I’ll let you know’ - well good for you but if you can’t I’d rather have the chance to meet someone else!
Now I have friends who I know won’t flake out on me. The others I either wait for them to make the arrangements (less likely to cancel), or just don’t bother.

Yes, they're very self-orientated, one of the friends I mentioned in my OP confuses me. She acts so warmly and happy to see me when I bump into her in the street, seems so keen to meet up and then cancels - just like that☹
One evening last year we had a table booked at local restaurant. She called out to me from her car as I was dog-walking about 5 pm. Asked if I was still ok for 7 pm, said how much she was looking forward to it👍

I got home, showered, ironed something to wear and at 6 pm - PING! So sorry, I can't make tonight now. Next Friday instead?' I responded 'Is everything ok? That's a shame'. She just replied all was fine, but was behind with prep for her dd's party next day. That really upset me actually- sidelined again🤔

Sorry to hear about your trip to York ChrissyPlummer, people can be so thoughtless🤔 Unbelievably, I've been let down again, this morning - (affects dd rather than me, but even so!) -

DD's friend's mum messaged yesterday, saying they're going to a country park today for lunch, see the animals etc and would my dd like to go. She was keen, so plan was they'd pick dd up around mid-day. She was ready and waiting, then my phone pinged -
'So sorry, we've had a chaotic morning and still not ready! Can dd do tomorrow instead?'
I've said yes, dd's disappointed though☹ WHY are people so last-minute with changes of plans? Even letting us know by 10/10.30 would have been better, we could have done something with the morning!

It's just plain rude and they've forgotten their manners. I wouldn't bother booking anything for your birthdays as it sounds as though the party bus might be a bit empty! Treat yourselves instead to a weekend away and stop arranging things for these off-hand people. I'm sorry for your DD as it's an even harder lesson to learn when you're young.

I try really hard to not be the friend who does this.
Sounds like you've been very unlucky.
I suspect people are doing this more and more after being institutionalised during lockdown. You only have to look at the threads on here!

You just have exceptionally flaky friends. I had one once and I dropped her after she’d flaked out on me for a third time. She always had an excuse not to meet, sometimes it would be while I was on the way to meet her which was the most infuriating of all. I was in the hairdressers one day and heard a hairdresser discussing my friend and how she’d flaked out of 2 separate appointments no at the last minute which meant she lost money so I knew it was nothing personal, she just belonged in a 99.

please understand that none of that is to do with you.
they cancelled for good enough reasons, it's just unfortunate coincidence about timings in close succession.

please don't take it to heart. people are forgetful, stressed, preoccupied.
and maybe Covid has taught people to be a bit more assertive and they are learning to say no as part of self-care.

just let them be for a while, wait until they contact you

I find some people treat a plan as an option. Then inevitably life gets in the way and they can’t be arsed. I often feel this way myself but I make myself go and almost always have a really good time. It’s just feels like an effort.

I have friends like this too and have to try really hard not to take it personally. If someone cancels, I will now rearrange once, but not twice.
I have had lunch dates cancelled 5 minutes before lunch too and it's really annoying.

This is the same with my "friends" too, it really upsets me, makes me feel like I am a back-up plan or time-filler. I've set a rule for myself, if I arrange plans with a friend and they cancel twice in a row then I won't bother again or chase them unless they arrange something and invite me instead. I've also stopped replying with comments like "sorry to hear that/no problem". It means I have hardly any friends now but I prefer that to constantly being stood up.

So sorry, we've had a chaotic morning and still not ready! Can dd do tomorrow instead?'
I've said yes, dd's disappointed though☹

Your friends are next level flaky OP - so rude!

I have to say, I’d just be saying ‘no’ to the suggestion above. No, we can’t do tomorrow.

I don’t mean for your DD to miss out - you take her somewhere instead. But stop being so available to your flaky friends, for sure.

Actually - why don’t you bail tomorrow at the time you’re due there? Give them a taste for their own medicine.

I just think mobile phones have just made everyone really shit at sticking to plans - because you can contact people any time, you can cancel any time. It really riles me too as I actually believe you should give a clear answer, and stick to it unless literally illness or something family-related intervenes, and yes even if you're 'a bit tired', because maybe the other person isn't! And you should plan things around it to ensure you can go and you're not 'skint' or tired because you decided to go out the night before at the last minute. Don't people understand you're doing a nice thing for them inviting them to do something?

Yes, it can be a frustrating world being one of the apparent minority who believes you accept an invitation unless there's good reason not to, and it's a promise you should stick to?

I have come to the conclusion, its a spectrum.I am one end of it reliable and punctual. Some people are the other end,you are merely background noise or wallpaper.

I think a lot of the time people want to do things in a hypothetical future sense in the same way I ‘want’ to go to India and the Bay of Bengal. If someone could wave a wand and send me there I’d go but I don’t want to spend money, go on a flight with a toddler … you get the picture.

People will be invited to something and say yes! Great! Then it rolls around and actually they don’t want to. They don’t want to get ready and spend money and have a late night or be apart from their family.

I agree though, I do find this very difficult personally and it puts me off organising things.

I don't make.plans for.my birthday now because everyone cancels every year in the days running upto it and I just end up feeling so flat and deflated.

Some people are popular then there's people like me...... there's resort, the last choice, OK if nothing better comes up.

I think you have to be quite firm and have in your own mind what is acceptable and what’s not. I’ll always give someone a second chance or if they have a good excuse, fair enough. Repeat offenders or those who are downright inconsiderate or rude, I don’t take it personally, I just don’t make plans with again (unless it’s part of a bigger thing where there are other reliable people going).

If it’s something that affects my kids like the example you’ve given, I’d say, ‘sorry, DD was looking forward to this all morning and you’ve let her down last minute, I’m not prepared to risk it again.’

I think the remarks about cell phones are true, at least it is making it worse.
Years ago I had a mate like this, I would drive over to his house to collect him and find he had another 'bright' idea or had promised to mend some ones car.
Luckily only the one bloke was like this.

I'm shocked. My friends don't do this at all. I think your friends have been extremely rude and the one who cancelled on your daughter, well that is really unkind. I think you need to be a bit more discerning, I honestly would find it difficult to think if these people as friends.