My friends just won't stick to plans - feeling quite hurt by it.

[Wisteriabloom]

Here are some examples -

A friend of mine suggested going out one evening, we decided on an outdoor cinema event a week later, I booked tickets, all sorted! I woke up the morning after booking, to an early text saying she'd just remembered her niece's birthday was then, she really needed to be there and hoped I could find someone else to go with. DD came with me so ticket wasn't wasted, but I felt a bit let down.

DH & I were supposed to be going to a pub garden for lunch with two other friends. They messaged a few days before saying they'd totally forgotten and could we rearrange for the following weekend, then cancelled again as they were 'tired' from a busy week. Said they'd be in touch to rearrange, but we still haven't heard, and that was back in May!! Dh & I went anyway and had a nice time, but weren't happy at being dropped twice in a row.

A neighbour I'm friendly with was coming round for coffee in the garden after work one afternoon recently, she then texted at the time she was due round, said she'd been held up at work and her sister called in unexpectedly, so could we make it another day. Was a bit fed up about it as had dashed from work to shop, to get some nice treats to have with our coffee, obv needn't have bothered! Rearranged for Thursday but she 'forgot', she suggested next Thursday so we'll see!!

The same friend we were supposed to go for lunch with (with her dh), suggested meeting for coffee & beach walk a few weeks back, I was halfway there to meet her and, you've guessed it, another text - 'DS isn't well and I need to food shop, so sorry but can we do another day?' I just gave a short reply and said let me know when you're free. Again, heard nothing since!☹

Btw, none of these people have been shielding due to Covid or anything, and these plans were all after the Lockdowns, some suggested by them rather than me, so I'm really miffed about it all! It just seems so thoughtless of them, when I've often worked my day around a meet-up, dashed from work, gone shopping specially, only to find it isn't happening after all😠

Are people becoming less sociable, or do they think less of me than I do them? A bit of both maybe🤔

Thank you everyone, and sorry that many of you have encountered similar!🤔

My friend who let dd down yesterday texted last night, asking me to pack swimming things in case the kids go in the lake. I replied, and also added that if for any reason today can't go ahead can she let me know by 10.30 latest, so we don't waste the day. She sent a 'thumbs up' back. She won't have liked me saying that, but I wanted to make a point!

Dh & I are going to book ourselves a night away somewhere for our birthdays. Out of the 10 or so people we'd have invited to the buffet, between us we counted 3 or 4 who'd absolutely turn up. The other 6 - very likely to accept the invite and cancel last minute which would be pretty embarrassing for us! Sometimes you just have to cut your losses!🤔

And yes, I agree that now almost everyone has access to WhatsApp, Messenger etc it's made it just so easy for people to tap out a quick message and press Send if they don't feel something. I bet if they still used landlines and had to actually 'speak' to the person they're letting down, it would happen a lot less!!

Tbh I'm fairly understanding and flexible about stuff like this as I know what it's like to be overwhelmed and on your knees so if people have to cancel, I don't take it personally.
An answer might be to always arrange something in a group - I meet monthly with 5 friends - very rarely do we all make it but it always happens even if just 2 or 3 of us.

Agree that texts and messaging etc make this much easier to do. It's annoying though when you've set time aside for it.

@dubyalass I did exactly the same with a flaky friend earlier this year and haven't looked back. It's such a relief not dealing with her nonsense any more.

I have a very good pal who has taken to cancelling at the last minute by saying 'I really won't be offended if you go without me....'

It really really annoys me. As if she was doing me a favour by coming with me - or a group - in the first place.

Also, v v annoyed at the friends who will arrange to come along on the group chat and then when they cancel only message me and ask me to tell everyone else. What stops them using the group chat to tell everyone else?

But, you either put up with it or never do anything, I guess....

I like your birthday plans, good thinking. And long term it may work better for you to always do what works best for you so that you're not put out by other people. Like, plan an outing that'll work well for you whether or not others come?

Oh and definitely don't worry about "offending" others by being straight up. It's great to be clear, and let's face it they don't seem to be bothered about offending you!

@SeeYaBeYa the nonsense was doing my head in! The irony is that she's very good at setting boundaries for herself but has no qualms about trampling on others'. I've actually realised that she takes self-centred to a whole new level; she thinks she's just "telling it how it is" but there have been a few occasions where I have cringed at the things she's said. Thankfully she lives in my home town some 200 miles away so I can avoid her for the most part.

Rabbitwoman - I think you and I have the same friends!🤣
The friend I mentioned who cancels last minute says that - 'Please go without me though, I won't mind at all!' or 'Shall I cancel the restaurant booking? It's no trouble, saves you the bother!' - as if to distract from the fact they've caused the issue in the first place by cancelling last minute!
And a friend on the WhatsApp group I'm in often cancels on 'group' outings, but will message me, to apologise to the others for her! And sometimes 'paves the way' on the days leading up to it, ie 'My daughter's got that day off work and suggested we go out for lunch, hope I'm hungry enough by the evening for dinner with you all, lol!'! Or 'Might be a bit late Friday, forgot dh is playing cricket and said I'd watch the match'. She'll then use either of these scenarios as an excuse to cancel on the night and if someone shows annoyance, acts all miffed and says 'Well I did mention it'! 🤔 Yes, a one-off can happen to us all, but it's the 'repeat cancellers' that shouldn't be allowed to get away with it!

Omg, I had a "friend" like that, so enthusiastic when you bump into her, we must meet up, I've missed you. All bullshit. They don't actually mean a fucking word of it. Actions speak louder than words. If I see this woman now I just play along but never message her and guess what, she doesn't message me. It's all fakery. They are not friends. There are people out there who will stick to a plan, make more plans with them and edge out the liars.,

Happens to me too, a lot. I'm always really nice about it so I think it's given my friends the impression that I am droppable. Anyway have decided this year that I just won't bother with frequent cancellers any more!

OP, please don't feel bad. These people are selfish. Yes sometimes there is a genuine excuse. I always give people a chance but if they let me down more than twice in quick succession I do not make any further plans with them.

It has become a lot more common recently. However if these people are so flaky now, they definitely won't have your back in any other situation so don't let them waste your time.

They can hang out with their other flaky friends and let each other down.

Meanwhile you'll be having a great time with others who care, make the effort and spend time doing stuff.

That's why I book fun things to do with myself or family and invite people to join me that aren't dependant on a certain number. I've had so many people cancel me at the last minute - or on one memorable time forget that they were hosting my hen night then forget to cancel since they got the 'flu.

I was thinking making my 40th a 'cancel-themed' party but that would be bitchy to my remaining friends.

I'd be so cross. For me, I get fed up that it is always me making arrangements to see friends. Even my closest friend who knows how rubbish it makes me feel when I always have to chase people, still always leaves me to be the one to ask if she wants to meet up.

Tbh I am so fucking sick of my so called friends flaking on me. I have already stopped making an effort with one who seemed to always wait for me to suggest things to do, and if I didn't would then moan about me not contacting her. As if phones don't work for dialling out on.

I just stopped bothering and haven't seen or heard from her in over 3 years now.

I wanted to see what happened to some university friends to see if they knew that phones worked both ways - it's 15 years and counting so I'm going to assume that's a no.

Sadly, some people are just crap and flaky. Remember, when someone shows you who they are (flaky, self centered, lacking integrity etc) then you need to pay attention. Give them a couple of free passes, because life happens to all of us, but after that, if the flakiness continues, you need to kick them to the kerb and forget about them.

Friends should enhance your life and make it better x

You sound too nice. I agree with a PP - if someone is repeatedly flaky move on. Prioritise people who deserve your time.