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Original poster

How would you deal with another woman messaging your OH?

41 replies

Anon4thisone · 17/07/2021 14:48

A daughter of a friend of my OH has added him on Facebook. She joined in one of their conversations and remembers my OH from years ago.

She in boxed him shortly after chit chatting about England football etc, and he replied all friendly. She messaged him again Sunday evening during the England match, my OH again replied in a friendly way. Msg again late Monday evening.

During these messages she said she’d always had a crush on my OH. He replied by changing the subject.

He’s not messaged her back since the last two.

Late last night she’s messaged again, asking how he is, kisses etc. He’s shown me the messages and asked me how he deals with it, he doesn’t want to lead her on by replying, she knows he’s in a relationship, so we both feel she’s overstepping boundaries.

We’re not sure how to deal with it, he is thinking of saying let’s keep messaging to fbk, or does he ignore, reply with what? he doesn’t want to upset her but equally he doesn’t want to encourage her to keep messaging knowing she has a crush. Not sure what to do?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 17/07/2021 14:51

he is thinking of saying let’s keep messaging to fbk

Is he really?!

He shouldn’t have engaged with any late night chats with her and he should block her and have a word with himself. Who cares if it upsets her? She couldn’t give a toss about upsetting you.

actorbynight · 17/07/2021 14:53

Block her

justfuckoffthelottayer · 17/07/2021 14:55

Ignore delete and block her from everything who cares how she feels she knows he is in a relationship and wants to think she is iririsistable(spelt wrong I think who cares) if he doesn't want to block deleteand ignore then he likes the attention and u need to address that if she keeps on the. Send the messages to her parents and ask them to have a word

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Original poster
Anon4thisone · 17/07/2021 14:56

@AnneLovesGilbert actually now you say that, about keeping msg to fb, it’s unreasonable isn’t it. Also I didn’t think about the fact she’s not giving a toss about upsetting me. I agree he shouldn’t have engaged late night chat, he’s knows exactly how I feel about that !!!

I’m inclined to agree about blocking, who cares what she thinks.

OP posts:
TooWicked · 17/07/2021 14:58

How old is she?

EssentialHummus · 17/07/2021 14:59

Send a screenshot to her parents and ask them to have a word, imo.

4PawsGood · 17/07/2021 14:59

I think he needs to tell her it doesn’t feel right to be messaging, given her past crush. But to keep it breezy and wish her well.

Or, for him to say he’s liked chatting, would she like to meet up with him and you? Risky move to scare her away 😈

Geamhradh · 17/07/2021 15:01

Why hasn't he simply stopped replying to her?
Have you seen his responses?

BestestBrownies · 17/07/2021 15:01

Wait, she’s his mate’s daughter? Is she an adult or teenager? Maybe your DP should talk to his friend (her father), before this gets messy

Hellcatspangle · 17/07/2021 15:13

How old are they both?

MadMadMadamMim · 17/07/2021 15:15

He just needs to block her.

It's inappropriate - she's the daughter of a friend of his, and he's in a relationship.

Far, far better than getting tangled up trying not to hurt her feelings.

Original poster
Anon4thisone · 17/07/2021 15:20

We’re early 50s she’s in her 40s, my OH and her dad are friends. So no need to involve her parents, needs dealing wi5 direct.

@4PawsGood he did say he would say it’s not appropriate to chat.

@Geamhradh he’s not replied to the last 2 and she messaged again late last night.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon4thisone · 17/07/2021 15:21

@MadMadMadamMim this is the route I’m going to get him to go down. Not worrying about her feelings when she’s not worrying about mine.

OP posts:
InFiveMins · 17/07/2021 15:25

She sounds extremely full on and he needs to nip it in the bud now by messaging her to tell her she's being inappropriate with her messages and that he's blocking her so she can't contact him again. And then he needs to do just that.

I wouldn't go straight to blocking her or she might start trying to get in touch in other ways to find out why he blocked her. Tell her, keep it short and sharp, then block.

HPLikecraft · 17/07/2021 15:27

Wow, she really doesn't care, does she? Looks like she's doing an every woman for herself move, nothing ventured, nothing gained. At least your OH is showing you the messages and not responding to them.

Block and ignore is probably the best way forward, as she clearly doesn't do subtlety.

Bargebill19 · 17/07/2021 15:27

Years ago, pre Facebook, a neighbour took a fancy to dh. I asked him to just ignore her before it escalated. Being the flattered, unconfrontational type that he is, he didn’t. So I did using his phone. She very quickly stopped.
All I said was “hi, Dh wife here, did you want me instead of dh? I don’t remember giving you my number so here it is…….”

Bargebill19 · 17/07/2021 15:28

So yep. Block her if possible or directly confront her.

RainbowBriteUk · 17/07/2021 15:30

She sounds pathetic and desperate knowing he's in a relationship too.

He needs to tell her that as she knows he's in a happy relationship with you and there's no chance for him and her romantically so her messages are incredibly inappropriate. Then he should block her. The floozy.

LtDansleg · 17/07/2021 15:33

He shouldn’t engage with her at all. Block and delete

Original poster
Anon4thisone · 17/07/2021 15:37

@InFiveMins I thought that, she might try other ways of contacting as he’s not been clear.

@Bargebill19 love this response, good for you. I don’t want to get involved because she might think it’s not his decision.

@HPLikecraft agree, she knows we’re in a relationship, I’m all over his fbk in pics, tags etc, and still trying to make a move Angry

OP posts:
BiBabbles · 17/07/2021 15:45

Anything other than disengagement may add fuel to the fire with someone who can't handle their crushes well as this woman seems to, might be worth angling with him that she's just going to get more hurt if she keeps pining like this if he'd wary of hurting feelings.

The friendly chatting wouldn't bother me - my spouse works in an area that's mostly women so while he and the few men tend to mostly stick together, there is friendly chatting among them all, but she's crossed a line and blocking and avoiding is often the best way to handle someone who doesn't seem to get the hint that they're not handling their emotions well.

ahoyshipmates · 17/07/2021 15:51

@RainbowBriteUk

She sounds pathetic and desperate knowing he's in a relationship too.

He needs to tell her that as she knows he's in a happy relationship with you and there's no chance for him and her romantically so her messages are incredibly inappropriate. Then he should block her. The floozy.

Perhaps not this. If she's bunny boiler, she might take that as "If I weren't in a relationship, then you might be in with a chance", and she'd start plotting how to break the two of you up.

He just needs to tell her that he's not interested, please stop messaging. And then block.

TooWicked · 17/07/2021 15:52

At the point at which she said she’s always had a crush on him, he should have shut the messaging down then, not carried on messaging her. Hmm

Why is he worried about upsetting a 40 y/o woman who he hasn’t seen or spoken to in years?

He should have deleted and blocked her several messages ago.

By asking you what he should do it’s like he wants to be able to blame you to justify it to her and her dad/his friend if the friend asks about it.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/07/2021 15:57

He replies along the lines of:

This is an entirely inappropriate and unwelcome conversation. Stop. I won't be reading any more.

Then he blocks her.

And if she tries any other way to contact him he just repeats that. Stop. That is inappropriate and unwelcome.

And hope she gets the message first time!

toocold54 · 17/07/2021 16:20

As she is a family friend I would firstly try and take a long time to reply and when he does reply be nice but nothing that could be mistaken for flirting.
If she doesn’t get the hint after that or the messages become flirty then I’d read and not reply at all.
If she still doesn’t get the hint he should reply saying she’s being inappropriate and doesn’t think they should message again.