How would you deal with another woman messaging your OH?

[Anon4thisone]

A daughter of a friend of my OH has added him on Facebook. She joined in one of their conversations and remembers my OH from years ago.

She in boxed him shortly after chit chatting about England football etc, and he replied all friendly. She messaged him again Sunday evening during the England match, my OH again replied in a friendly way. Msg again late Monday evening.

During these messages she said she’d always had a crush on my OH. He replied by changing the subject.

He’s not messaged her back since the last two.

Late last night she’s messaged again, asking how he is, kisses etc. He’s shown me the messages and asked me how he deals with it, he doesn’t want to lead her on by replying, she knows he’s in a relationship, so we both feel she’s overstepping boundaries.

We’re not sure how to deal with it, he is thinking of saying let’s keep messaging to fbk, or does he ignore, reply with what? he doesn’t want to upset her but equally he doesn’t want to encourage her to keep messaging knowing she has a crush. Not sure what to do?

@Anon4thisone - there is no reason to beat around the bush here and your OH needs to be direct with her, tell her he’s in a relationship and would rather not message further.

That’s what I would expect my OH to do and also what I would do if I were in that situation.

I don’t believe in being all friendly and nicey nice sending mixed signals when someone has clearly shown an interest in you while you’re in a relationship. No need to entertain them.

Ignore and block

I think your oh does have to be proactive. It may stop her in her tracks and that’s good.
But if she is persistent, and things have to be taken further, the first thing anyone will ask is what he did to stop it, did he respond by telling her to stop her advances and block her. He needs to be able to say yes he did.

Sorry guys, off out for the evening, will respond and update you tomorrow when I’ve read all the replies, thanks all for the support

All he needs to say is you are being inappropriate, please do not message me again.

Update, he won't block her (yet), says it's not about upsetting her, more that he doesn't want to upset his mate if she mentions it, which no doubt she will, they're childhood friends and close.

So he's left it a couple of days then messaged her back to say, as you know I'm happy in a relationship, it's not appropriate to private message, so I'd rather you didn't.

IF she doesn't take the hint and continues to message then he is happy to go down the blocking route.

hopefully she will take the hint ... thanks all for your words of wisdom, I'll go back to my regular user name now as I changed for this one :) x

he's left it a couple of days then messaged her back to say, as you know I'm happy in a relationship, it's not appropriate to private message, so I'd rather you didn't.

That sounds like a really good response. Hopefully it does the trick.

You have a decent fella there OP. Some men (women too) would enjoy the attention too much to nip it the bud. Others would try to avoid awkwardness and get themselves in a tangle.

In both scenarios the third party is led on ......not that I am typically sympathetic to people who chase (wo)men who have partners! But sometimes it’s a low self esteem thing.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

He replies along the lines of:

This is an entirely inappropriate and unwelcome conversation. Stop. I won't be reading any more.

Then he blocks her.

And if she tries any other way to contact him he just repeats that. Stop. That is inappropriate and unwelcome.

And hope she gets the message first time!

This.

Wow! I’d assumed she was a teen.

Like your DH’s suggestion. I’m sure that will work just fine

@4PawsGood yes I hope so too, if not, she will be blocked and I won't take no for an answer then.

@GreenClock Yes, I like to think I have a decent fella. Thanks.

@RogueMnerHidesUnderABigHat thanks i hope it does.

Thanks all x

You’re not married and you don’t say how long you’ve been together. It’s not surprising she thinks she might be in with a chance given that he’s not committed to you. I think it was fine to chat in a friendly way but as soon as she said she was attracted to him he should have nipped it in the bud. He didn’t, which suggests to me that he was enjoying the attention.

@SilverOak hi, we've been together five years, our pictures together are all over his facebook, we're engaged, which it states on his facebook profile and we're getting married in September, which has also been mentioned on fb. So her thinking he's not committed and she might be in with a chance, when she can see all this, is rude.

Admittedly he did chat back to her, in a friendly way, which I didn't have an issue with, but as soon as she mentioned she had a crush, he changed the subject, then didn't respond to the next couple of messages. She then messaged again, hence us having to tell her it was inappropriate.

cant he just block her?

@Branleuse

cant he just block her?

Update, he won't block her (yet), says it's not about upsetting her, more that he doesn't want to upset his mate if she mentions it, which no doubt she will, they're childhood friends and close.

So he's left it a couple of days then messaged her back to say, as you know I'm happy in a relationship, it's not appropriate to private message, so I'd rather you didn't.

IF she doesn't take the hint and continues to message then he is happy to go down the blocking route.

He just needs to say that he's not interested and doesn't want her to contact him again. That's it, he doesn't need to mention you or anybody else - this is between her and him and he can brush her off without dragging other people into it.

It's really not complicated or worthy of drama; something to bear in mind as this is the daughter of one of his friends.