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Original poster

DH parents hate us even though DH has cancer

35 replies

Saltnpeppertofu · 17/07/2021 03:28

Hi
I am really after some advice.
When I met my DH 18 years ago, his parents were not happy. DH was a bit of a mummy's boy, she did everything for him and she saw me as a threat. She was also extremely racist when she realised that although white, I am of Asian heritage. I won't bore you with the comments but it all came to a head one Christmas and DH's dad asked him to choose between them and me. Dh was gutted and just shook their hands and left. We got married and although they sent threatening letters hinting that they may turn up, they didn't and life moved on. I presumed it would all blow over but it got worse at family funerals etc. I was completely ignored by dh's family. His sister took his mum's side.
The MIL seems really cold hearted and had previously said as far as she was concerned her own father was dead to her over a fall out with him and had also really slagged off her own mum who had a stroke telling us at the time how she shits her knickers!! She was a legal secretary and used to steal tons of jewelry from houses after the deceased were removed and completely got away with it. She was into every scam she could get her fingers into.
Anyway skip years ahead, we moved and had children. We send his parents a pic of our DD, but they decided we only sent the pics to get at them. Then 4 year after, DH got diagnosed with cancer...his mum and dad knew about it but never got in touch and his sister confirmed they didn't want to know. DH got to remission and asked his sister to ask his mum for photos of him as a child so he could give to our children...his mum said no! I mean, why? We have no photos of DH growing up for our children to see, why is she punishing them.
She regularly posts on FB about how she is loving life and living the life travelling in Spain and other countries. She posts about donating to various cancer charities and seems to have a big friend base. She often posts about how she loves her grandchildren ( dh's sisters kids). Not once have his parents got in touch.
I tried once to break the ice but MIL blanked me. Now DH has relapsed. Still she posts about her great holidays.
Should I try again for DH sake? I don't think he wants anything to do with them because they are so toxic and she is obviously completely devoid of any maternal instinct whatsoever, and his sister doesn't try to help at all...whether this is money led I don't know but, it's mad. It doesn't seem possible parents could treat their own son like this and his children. His mum wouldn't let him see his dying grandad who she had living at her home unless DH wrote a letter of apology for treating them so bad!! Say what!!!
Then she didn't give DH what his grandad had left him in the will. We let it go, she is so greedy for money., we just couldn't be bothered to chase it. Honestly there have been so many things.I wouldn't care if I never saw them again and I hate them with all my heart BUT I worry for my DH. He has my family that adore him and welcomed from day 1, but that still can't replace his own mum and dad can it?
Should I contact them or not

OP posts:
Crimescenenow · 17/07/2021 03:32

No.

HirplesWithHaggis · 17/07/2021 03:34

I think this is a decision for your husband to make. If he wants no further contact, that must be respected.

tikha · 17/07/2021 03:34

Just break all contact with them

ShippingNews · 17/07/2021 04:43

They've had 18 years to change and they haven't. And he doesn't want to either - as you said " I don't think he wants anything to do with them because they are so toxic and she is obviously completely devoid of any maternal instinct whatsoever * so just let it go.

With people like this, there is nothing to be gained from contacting them - they knew he had cancer before but they didn't want to know so don't beat your head against a brick wall trying to make things better.

ShippingNews · 17/07/2021 04:44

I've had cancer and believe me, the last thing you want at that time is to have people dragged along to see you , even though they have no interest in you, just because you've got cancer. Don't do this !

Lupinspotato · 17/07/2021 04:50

Unless your DH has said that he wants you to, I wouldn’t contact them. They’re not going to change, they sound very toxic and a big reconciliation is unlikely.

Jenasaurus · 17/07/2021 04:53

He has a loving wife and your family around him, thats all he needs, just because they are blood relations doesnt mean they will love and treat him with the respect and care he deserves. Just be with him and treasure the time you have together, xx

alexdgr8 · 17/07/2021 04:58

no.
why would you.
he doesn't want it.
he has you, children and your family.
don't bring anything negative into his circle.
forget about them.
accentuate the positive. eliminate the negative.
all the best to both of you.

Wallpapering · 17/07/2021 05:11

My answer would be no.

I wish listened to my own advice, I was caring for family member with cancer it was emotionally exhausting which knock on effect to being physically exhausted caring because you need to be strong one, that person with cancer was my all and without question would do it again & again if had too.

My regret is dealing with extended family, pandering to them or trying to get them to give as much fucks as I did about the family member with cancer instead extended family made it all about them & their needs even down to needing to visit around their holiday abroad or crying with self pity to person with cancer, whole load of shit

I actually did crash and burn out thankfully family member with cancer was at stable point, it was also when lost my shit with extended family and hit them hard with few home truths and refuse to speak to them again.

I resent them because whilst I was trying to hold it together for person caring for (I wanted to) underneath I was emotionally devastated & they picked at that.

So having to deal with cancer is more than enough

Wallpapering · 17/07/2021 05:16

One of extended family also includes one my own siblings, once upon a time would of referred to as a sister.

Positive people you need only

Billybagpuss · 17/07/2021 05:20

Why are you following her on fb.

You’ve done your bit, she’s said her piece, you’ve been rejected before when you’ve made requests.

Block on all social media so they are not messing with your head and spend your whole focus on your family.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/07/2021 05:46

Of course not

Those fuckers meant it when they said choose 'her or us' - he chose you, it's over

They are awful, toxic people Thanks

JeansShirtJeansJacket · 17/07/2021 05:46

Absolutely not. Don't contact her about anything. She is DH's mother, so leave it up to him if he wants to make contact or not. It's solely his decision.

PiccalilliChilli · 17/07/2021 06:11

No. It's up to your DH to make that decision.

Your in-laws sound truly horrible. Well shot. Stay the F away.

Cloudninenine · 17/07/2021 07:38

No! He doesn’t want to be in contact with them and they sound absolutely awful. Don’t inflict them on him when he doesn’t want them.

DoorAjar · 17/07/2021 07:40

But you’ve said your DH doesn’t want any contact — why would you go against his decision about his own parents? Or are you saying he’s too ill to have capacity now?

Sorry he’s relapsed, OP. Flowers

Tenementfunster · 17/07/2021 09:39

You’d mad to get in touch. They’re absolute arseholes. They haven’t changed in18 years. Why would you want them near you? He has his own family now

Tenementfunster · 17/07/2021 09:41

These things never end up in a touchy feely resolution of hurt and pain. They are not nice people. They will not provide with you with help and a loving reunion That’s hallmark tv stuff. He’s made his choice now respect it

Traled · 17/07/2021 09:49

BUT I worry for my DH. He has my family that adore him and welcomed from day 1, but that still can't replace his own mum and dad can it?
Should I contact them or not

No, he's said he doesn't want to, he's happy with your family, I have toxic parents im non contact with, caring friends and in laws are worth so much more than toxic people that happen to be related to you.

MilduraS · 17/07/2021 10:11

I wouldn't contact them. Neither of you need that sort of stress in your life. Even if they got in touch it sounds like they'd make your lives a misery.

Branleuse · 17/07/2021 10:17

you need to respect your husbands feelings about not wanting to see them. Its just too painful to keep being rejected

thinkingaboutitall · 17/07/2021 10:19

Tbh i don’t see the point in contacting them again. They won’t change, they won’t give you the photos (the photos have probs been destroyed or deteriorated over time etc), they won’t support your son during this time. It’s clear they don’t want contact with you, there’s no point wasting your energy further

Can you ask other family members if they have any photos? Or try to source any from social media? Realistically, although hurtful, it’s okay that you don’t have his childhood photos. Many people don’t and can’t show their children what they looked like as kids, but can still live a happy and completely normal life. Your husband has cancer - I think you should put the photos and family drama aside and just focus on him and your kids

NeverMetANiceOne · 17/07/2021 10:21

Block her on Facebook, remove yourselves from any social media links to them and focus on your immediate family and what lies ahead.
They will bring nothing positive and you need to accept it and embrace what you have.

happytoday73 · 17/07/2021 10:26

No.
I know you want to sort this for your sick husband... That's very admirable considering how they treat you... But it won't work... I'd concentrate on your lovely family unit and forget them.
Resist the temptation to look at what they do on Facebook...
If I was in your position I would not update them on your DH condition or your kids and should your DH eventually pass away I would just inform them AFTER the funeral.... So they don't cause any drama

thinkingaboutitall · 17/07/2021 10:26

Also OP, one thing that you seem to not understand is that his parents won’t change. They won’t suddenly become loving and caring parents and grandparents. He will never have the same relationship with his parents as you do with yours. You need to come to terms with that and stop trying to force it! It’s only hurting your husband further

I mean, you say yourself that their behaviour has been disgusting. That’s just who these people are, they won’t suddenly change their personality? And if they did, I would be concerned as to who they’re trying to manipulate as they’re presumably only being nice for an ulterior motive