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Original poster

Would you tell your teen to invite someone so they weren't left out?

46 replies

Seascape2839 · 16/07/2021 18:59

DD is in year 8 so they're all 12/13 years old. She's got a nice little group of friends about 6 of them in total. They've arranged to meet in town over the weekend. Just chatting about who's going and there's 1 girl who hasn't been included. Should I ask her to invite her or not get involved? She hasn't organised this herself, its just be arranged casually in school. DH thinks I shouldn't get involved in her social life but I don't like the thought of 1 child missing out. I'm not sure why she's not been asked.

OP posts:
Londoncatshed · 16/07/2021 19:02

Yes, please do encourage her to ask the child. Your daughter is still learning and as parents it’s our responsibility to guide them. It’s horrendous to be the kid that is left out and we should be encouraging our children to be inclusive and kind.
Your DD may not understand how hard it is to be the one to be left out.

Itstheprinciple · 16/07/2021 19:03

I would do some enquiring and suggest DD invites her.

thefirstmrsrochester · 16/07/2021 19:04

If they are all friends, there may be reasons other than exclusion for that one child not going, not allowed, or has something else on. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone bring deliberately excluded though so I’d be asking DD if said child had been asked along as well.

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ParkheadParadise · 16/07/2021 19:05

Yes, I would encourage dd to invite her.

Northernsoullover · 16/07/2021 19:06

I don't know. Maybe they don't like her ? Perhaps your daughter could invite her to something just the two of them? There is nothing worse than being ganged up on which might happen if they don't want her to come.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 16/07/2021 19:07

I wouldn't get involved.

you don't know why she wasn't invited and it's your projection that she is left out.
don't interfere, it's not your business

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 16/07/2021 19:08

Depends why she's not invited.
If it's because she's a bully, or spiteful, or anything like that then no fucking way!

MindMinDer · 16/07/2021 19:19

Could you not just talk to her about it? Not tell her to include the girl, but wonder with her how she feels about the girl not being included and if she would like her to be invited? Then decide from there?

StepladderToHeaven · 16/07/2021 19:20

If your DD feels uncomfortable going against the group decision, maybe you could encourage her to meet up with this girl separately just the two of them?

NoSquirrels · 16/07/2021 19:21

I wouldn’t tell my DC to invite, but if they’re an established group with no prior issues I would have a conversation like “How come X isn’t going too?”

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 16/07/2021 19:25

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Depends why she's not invited. If it's because she's a bully, or spiteful, or anything like that then no fucking way!
pretty much what I thought.

And I hate the "have to inclusive to everyone" bullcrap. no we don't.
it's ok to invite different combo of people. it's ok to leave people out because they have different interests or would change group dynamics.

And I say this as someone who have been left behind many times because I didn't have a boyfriend (and it was couples only) or couldn't care less about gardening or whatever. So what?
People are allowed to make plans with whomever they want without others interfering.

ittakes2 · 16/07/2021 19:34

I think they are learning social skills at this age and telling her what to do is not a good idea. I would ask why this girl has been left out and if your daughter says she thinks its unfair than she could decide herself to invite her. This girl might not be left out at all - she might just have plans. Or she could have been left out for a good reason. So just ask your daughter but don't insist on anything as coaching her is a better option so it looks to her like she made the decision.

CastawayQueen · 16/07/2021 19:37

@NoSquirrels

I wouldn’t tell my DC to invite, but if they’re an established group with no prior issues I would have a conversation like “How come X isn’t going too?”
This, a casual question, and if the answer is mean you can school here They may already know that said girl is going to be away or something for example
AlwaysLatte · 16/07/2021 19:37

I definitely do encourage inclusion in this sort of situation, even if they've fallen out. I know my sons would hate to be the one left out so I try to help them understand that it's kind to be inclusive.

Megasausagehead · 16/07/2021 19:40

I'd discuss with her how it feels to be left out and encourage honesty.

If someone else in the group excluded the girl but DD liked her, I'd ask her which she'd prefer to be associated with.

BUT I would not tell her to do anything. Let her conscience decide.

MsTSwift · 16/07/2021 19:42

I think it’s being high handed and bossy to get involved. Mine make their own arrangements dd2 is 12 and often hangs out with different girls in her friendship group as do they. Good way of “rationing” friends to fill the long summer holidays! So sees x and y on Monday a and b on Tuesday etc

blahblahblah321 · 16/07/2021 19:43

I think I'd get to the bottom of why she hasn't been invited, and assuming it isn't because she's a bully etc then I might suggest DD asks if she'd like to come, but I wouldn't push it. I don't really like getting involved with my children's social lives once they reach that age!

toastantea · 16/07/2021 19:44

I would probably ask why she isn't invited but I wouldn't get involved and tell your child to invite her. This could backfire massively on your DD. Let them work it out themselves.

Original poster
Seascape2839 · 16/07/2021 19:46

It's very difficult isn't it. I think back to my teens and my mum would never ever have even commented on who I was seeing seeing or asked why someone wasn't there. I dont want to be overbearing I just hate the thought of 1 child in a group being left out. I'll have a casual chat tomorrow but I'll keep it light.

OP posts:
ItEludesMe · 16/07/2021 19:48

I agree with keeping it light- 'Is Sarah on holiday?'.

MsTSwift · 17/07/2021 06:21

I think your own mums approach was right. Butt out! But then both mine extremely resistant to adults meddling in their friendships. Last summer I would arrange the odd day trip with mums and girls I got on with this year dd2 flatly refuses to come.

Amandasummers · 17/07/2021 06:34

I would certainly encourage her to. Imagine how she would feel if it was her? One thing I always encourage my kids to do is be the person who talks the person sitting alone etc. It can make a huge difference to someone’s life and if the other girls don’t like it she can sleep easy knowing she was a bigger And better person.

helpfulperson · 17/07/2021 06:43

This everyone must be included can be a dangerous message to be giving. Look at the stories on here about people being badly treated by friends and just putting up with it. Maybe she is mean or has otherwise hurt the group and they are just establishing their boundaries. A bit of gentle questioning is ok, insisting on her being invited isn't.

toastantea · 17/07/2021 06:54

This everyone must be included can be a dangerous message to be giving

Absolutely. It's totally normal for friendships to change and develop, particularly in the teen years. If a group are leaving someone out there is a reason. She is either not a nice girl so they have decided enough is enough, or you will have to face the possibility that it's the group overall who are not nice, in which case the excluded girl will hopefully take something away from this.

MsTSwift · 17/07/2021 07:36

Don’t think anyone teens included go everywhere in their tight complete friendship group. They see different friends at different meet ups would be odd to enforce everyone being invited to everything! Mine are utterly relaxed about others meeting up without them too.