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Original poster

Would you tell your teen to invite someone so they weren't left out?

46 replies

Seascape2839 · 16/07/2021 18:59

DD is in year 8 so they're all 12/13 years old. She's got a nice little group of friends about 6 of them in total. They've arranged to meet in town over the weekend. Just chatting about who's going and there's 1 girl who hasn't been included. Should I ask her to invite her or not get involved? She hasn't organised this herself, its just be arranged casually in school. DH thinks I shouldn't get involved in her social life but I don't like the thought of 1 child missing out. I'm not sure why she's not been asked.

OP posts:

MsTSwift · 17/07/2021 07:40

My own dd was ousted from her friendship group recently for zero reason other then jealousy and the queen bee wanting to create drama. Was upsetting but she’s dusted herself down and within days found new and better friends. It happens with girls. Mum hand wringing on the side lines won’t make any difference. It’s brutal out there!

Thunderface · 17/07/2021 07:43

It's very difficult to be the one who is excluded though. My dd has been going through this for a while. She has been excluded from her friendship group bit by bit for the past year and it has broken her heart. She has been so down about it. She isn't a bully. They just decided she isn't cool enough for them now.
The whole group she used to be part of plans things without her and she sees it on social media.
A couple of them know it isn't right but aren't confident to stand up to the 'leader'.

Thunderface · 17/07/2021 07:45

She has made a friend outside the group and they are becoming close. It doesn't stop the rejection from hurting though.

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AbsolutelyPatsy · 17/07/2021 07:46

i dont think you need to ask here, you surely can have a conversation with your own dc?

JustLyra · 17/07/2021 07:47

I’d certainly ask, lightly, if the one girl is on holiday then go from there

I don’t believe in meddling too much in their friendships, but I always like to know enough that I can make sure that it’s not mine that is being the instigator of cutting someone out for no good reason and if that is happening in the group to make sure they’ve thought of the full consequences of going with that.

Rioja81 · 17/07/2021 07:47

I would keep it light and say something like "oh, didn't Amy want to go?"

Then if it turns out she wasn't invited, I'd ask her whether she thought Amy would be upset.

MsTSwift · 17/07/2021 07:53

Thunderface you need to encourage her to walk away from the group or it’s death by a thousand cuts. First whiff of exclusion you go.

Dd2 went from being centre of the gang to out within days was a weird power play by one other girl.

Dd2 had a week of misery but we all rallied round and within days she had met much nicer girls and is thriving. She has absolutely nothing to do at all with the old group. Hanging around hoping for crumbs will make them treat you worse.

amission · 17/07/2021 08:00

@MsTSwift

This exact thing happened to me and it did deeply affect me - but it went on for years on and off in my case.

Queen bee in my group 'organised' the other girls against me. They ended up apologising to me when they realised they'd been manipulated but I had already lost all respect for them by then.

I would just ask casually as pp have suggested, no point in forcing inclusion it could make things worse.

Useful for your daughter to think what kind of person she wants to be and what kind of friends she wants though.

Botherfreedays · 17/07/2021 08:04

Of course you ask her about it and, as part of good parenting, tell her she should be including the other girl.
The mantra 'be kind' isn't something to be posted on Facebook it means actually, do something kind.

amission · 17/07/2021 08:11

@Botherfreedays

Of course you ask her about it and, as part of good parenting, tell her she should be including the other girl. The mantra 'be kind' isn't something to be posted on Facebook it means actually, do something kind.

Well it depends.

If the other girl is awful and daughter doesn't like her that's a good enough reason not to invite.

I don't think the 'be kind' message is always useful for girls to be honest, there's too much for girls and women to be legitimately angry about so no need to tame our instincts and break our boundaries.

The daughter needs to think for herself, look at her motivations and make her own decisions.

A casual inquiry from a parent can help initiate that independent thought process but dictating just won't have the same effect.

MsTSwift · 17/07/2021 08:18

Other girls in the old group told my dd they knew it was awful but they were scared of “being next” and pushed out themselves!

Fortunately I have a sunny confident upbeat cool girl who had lots of other friendship options but some of the girls in the group “hanging on” are not like that and are terrified of being pushed out and friendless.

amission · 17/07/2021 08:24

@MsTSwift

Other girls in the old group told my dd they knew it was awful but they were scared of “being next” and pushed out themselves!

Sounds like you're doing a great job!

The bit in my post about daughter thinking about what kind of person she wants to be was for OP not you, sorry if that wasn't clear.

Sadly for me there weren't lots of friendship options and queen bee kept dragging up drama by 're-friending' me then bullying me again. Took me a while to break free!

Ducksurprise · 17/07/2021 08:26

@Amandasummers

I would certainly encourage her to. Imagine how she would feel if it was her? One thing I always encourage my kids to do is be the person who talks the person sitting alone etc. It can make a huge difference to someone’s life and if the other girls don’t like it she can sleep easy knowing she was a bigger And better person.

I used to do this, but actually it makes for quite a miserable life for your child and they end up being the fixers and saviours, who regularly put their wants and needs below others.

Ducksurprise · 17/07/2021 08:29

@Botherfreedays

Of course you ask her about it and, as part of good parenting, tell her she should be including the other girl. The mantra 'be kind' isn't something to be posted on Facebook it means actually, do something kind.

Be kind means women suck it up and put yourself last.

MsTSwift · 17/07/2021 08:32

Absolutely. Dd2 essentially became a support worker for a child with anxiety at primary 🙄. Yes “be kind” sounds lovely but not when it means missing out on much needed maths lessons and missing an activity you enjoy yourself week after week. Just how far is the “kindness” supposed to extend?

Lunificent · 17/07/2021 08:32

Do ask her about it at the least.

Branleuse · 17/07/2021 08:38

I would leave it between them at this age. You cant micromanage teen friendships. Theyre mostly all dicks to each other or fawning over each other

Lonoxo · 17/07/2021 08:41

I would casually ask to see if there’s a reason and maybe have a discussion about themes/dynamics. I wouldn’t interfere or insist this girl is invited. This is secondary school, not primary school. Like or not, your daughter is starting to learn about the real world and different friendship approaches e.g. some people are happy for all friends to mix, some prefer to keep different friendship circles separate. As an adult, stuff like this will happen and she needs to learn how to navigate these situations. Also, the last thing you want is for your DD to be friendless. School is tough and she needs some allies.

junebirthdaygirl · 17/07/2021 09:07

I was continuously encouraging my dc not to leave anyone out. There was one boy in ds class who was often left out for parties etc. Ds, probably because of my contant mantra always invited him. Then at Secondary my ds asked me if he was being terribly mean not wanting anything to do with that lad as he was in trouble a lot at school etc and he wasn't comfortable having him around any more. I realised l had overdone the kindness bit as ds felt guilty and was nearly going to persevere with the friendship even though he didn't want to. The boy went on to get into big trouble and luckily ds was away from him. I learnt my lesson. Being too nice is not a good message to pass on. I had overdone it.
Could your dd invite that other girl over during the week to hang out and you can get a chance to get to know her.

Pinkandpink · 17/07/2021 09:42

I think you should speak to your daughter and advise her to maybe ask the other girl. My daughter was recently left out, she’s only 9 but felt so sad for her. Your daughter wouldn’t like to be left out herself would she?

newnortherner111 · 17/07/2021 11:19

Have the conversation with your DD to try to find out if there is a reason for this. The one situation where I would probably definitely step in is if I felt they were trying to exclude a neurodiverse person or someone with disabilities.

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