Working from home - how to get people to respect your boundaries?

[UnitedRoad]

I have an Etsy shop and work from home. Due to the size of my house, the sitting room is where I work. Husband also has his own business, and works from home part of most days. He uses the dining part of the kitchen/dining room. These two rooms are our only downstairs rooms, and it’s not that we don’t work tidily but both our jobs involve a lot of stuff. It’s fine, I manage, or I would but…

People just won’t leave me alone. Friends want to come round for coffee, or take me to fucking garden centres, or my mum wants to pop round’ although it will last three hours. It doesn’t matter if I say ‘not today, I’m really busy’, people just turn up, and if I ignore the front door, some just come round the back (where they can clearly see me). I can work while they’re there, although not brilliantly, because I’m really easily distracted, but some friends and my mum will start tidying me up, moving things from my desk etc, which means I’ll have to spend time finding things again. Another friend always wants to show me things on Tik tok or Instagram. Not just one video either. I really have tried explaining that I’m at work. I’ve lost my temper, I’ve cried, everyone seems to think I mean other people, not them. I lose so much time to this and no one takes any notice of me. Ive made mistakes because of distractions, and obviously they take time to rectify. I think it might be because they don’t take what I do seriously. I’ve worked really hard to get to this stage, but I’m only just getting close to the tax threshold.

Our children have just left home, but one is only working away, so needs to keep her room, and the others room was on the top floor, and I don’t really want to work up there. It’s hot and the light isn’t great. I don’t think I should have to move. The sitting room is light and airy, and suits me.

What can I do to make people respect my workspace and time? Preferably without upsetting anyone. If I worked in Sainsbury’s they wouldn’t fo it (I’ve tried explaining it like this).

As well as signs, pick up phone as soon as you see them and pretend to be very importantly engaged. They will soon learn not to turn up.

I work from home. I don’t let anyone in while I’m working. If I answer the door I often put the phone to my ear and gesture to the person that I’m on a call. I make it clear to people that I work xx hours a day and am not available to get together or go anywhere.

It’s not that hard but you do need to be consistent and stop worrying about upsetting people.

An you block access to the back?

Just be firm and clear. Put your hours on the door if necessary and tell them to text you and you'll get back to them.

This is so strange. Is it a new development you working the hours you are? Are they used to you being available all day? Because it wouldn’t occur to me in a million years to badger my friends to come out with me during their working hours, or they mine - whether working at home or not. I think you just need to tell people you’re working from 9 to 4 (or whatever hours) and won’t be taking calls or letting anyone in at those times.

I think a pp is right - they aren't taking your work seriously. Were you very available in the daytime before and they see this as a 'little hobby' thing?
Channel MN and start saying No a lot more. Lock the external doors (or the front and the side gate if you want the back door open for air) and if people have a key, put the chain on. Then just ignore your phone (maybe msg the normal offenders before and say 'fyi, I need to start really focussing on my work 9-5 so to stop myself getting distracted I won't be looking at my personal phone/SM in the day, so don't get offended when I don't reply!') and greet any callers with 'I'm super busy with work, so I can't invite you in' and don't let them over the doorstep. Think of them as time sucking vampires :-)

You need to be firm. eg; This is my break. I can only spare 15 minutes.
You cant come in, etc
I am working on something important, etc
I have to complete xxxx today.
Do not answer the front door, and place a notice on your rear window
Just be firm.

Pick up the phone as soon as you see someone, pretend to be talking, and do a “give me two minutes” mime at the visitor. Keep doing it until they get bored and leave. If they’re very persistent go upstairs holding your phone as if you’re still talking. They won’t keep trying.

You need to be firm. If they still don't take a hint, then accept you can no longer be friends, painful as it is. If they persist, tell them you are calling the police if they don't leave (you can only do this once and not to your mum of course, and I do not advocate then calling the police).

It’s happening almost every day.

Not a new development at all. I’ve been doing this since 2012. It’s always annoyed me but more now as the children both moved away in the last month, so I was really expecting some peace.

I always have the back door and back gate open (obviously if I go upstairs I lock the door), because the pets come and go and also my husband comes in and out that way.

One thing I’ve always been really really strict about is Fridays after 4 is sacred. I like to make sure all orders are out by six (this is everyday, but I don’t post at the weekends), so this time is spent packaging. Literally 5 minutes ago the doorbell rang about 5 times and I ignored it, then the person began to rattle the letterbox so I thought i’d better see who it was. It was my mum (said my dad was in the car) bringing round a massive cookie they’d got for their wedding anniversary last month. She wanted to ‘pop in’ but I said I was far too busy. She got really upset but went, and now I’m left feeling like the most evil bitch ever. They live a 30 minute drive away. A cookie ffs

Can you block access to the back door?
Gate or something.
Block numbers during the day and the magic blinds sound good.

Or send out a general text that you have a lot more orders than usual and for the foreseeable you can't talk between the hours 9 to 6 or whatever. No offence meant but calls and visits will be ignored from Monday

I wouldn't feel evil.
It's selfish. Take this time to send the message it's not happening anymore.

Selfish of them not you.

This has literally never happened to me. Also, don't your friends and family work? I would understand your mum, but what is everyone else doing just leisurely going to the garden centre this often and bothering you to come along.

I suspect this has never happened to me because everyone knows I would say buzz off and go away. Just say no, make yourself busy, wave from a Zoom meeting through the window and ignore if they come around.

I don’t know! It feels like people think I’m just pretending to work. They don’t support my shop and that’s fine, I’ve never asked them to, but I think it’s a bit of a joke.

I’m 50 and my friends are around my age. The garden centre/Wisley gardens friend is 61. Apart from one, none of them have jobs, most of us were stay at home mums but our kids are grown up now. I don’t know why they’re still trying to include me, we met through our children, and I don’t have much in common with them, but I’d happily meet for coffee or whatever if only I could choose when.

They don’t sound close friends so you have nothing to lose. Any real friend would be proud of you for the business and wish you all the best AND leave you alone to work.

Hello lovely, this is about boundaries. You want to be left alone, your family and friends want to be entertained.

At the moment, you are letting them trample all over your boundaries. So what that they walk round your house and can see you? A quick wave, sorry I can't be with you and then just focus on your work.

It might take a few goes til they are convinced you are serious. Once you start meaning it, they will believe you. So long as you focus and don't give them any attention, they will whine for a while, then they will get attention elsewhere.

It's like anything you do, the first time you really mean it and don't give it, it will feel as if you have done something monumental. Expect to feel exhausted. The more times you ignore them and carry on with your work, the easier it will become.

And yes, you will also be building up your self esteem. You have got this. Go for it.

Why can't people just leave you alone to get on with your working day. It sounds absolutely exhausting

See also, working nights and trying to sleep in the day.

Can you take in my parcel/look after my child/feed my cat/meet me for lunch

Think of boundaries as you think about securing your home from burglars. You don't expect a burglar to 'respect your boundaries', you simply have boundaries and enforce them (alarms, locked doors etc).

The reactions of others to your boundaries is irrelevant. Just as irrelevant as the reactions of burglars to a locked door. Would you feel guilty about that? No.

Someone once said that 'the only people who get upset at you having boundaries are those who benefitted from you having none'. They are right.

Boundaries are about where you end, and another perosn begins: what you are responsble for, and what other people are responsible for.

You are responsible for your boundaries - so in this situation you are responsible for protecting your working time.

You are not responsible for the reactions of other people to your boundaries - that is down to them.

@UnitedRoad

It’s happening almost every day.

Not a new development at all. I’ve been doing this since 2012. It’s always annoyed me but more now as the children both moved away in the last month, so I was really expecting some peace.

I always have the back door and back gate open (obviously if I go upstairs I lock the door), because the pets come and go and also my husband comes in and out that way.

One thing I’ve always been really really strict about is Fridays after 4 is sacred. I like to make sure all orders are out by six (this is everyday, but I don’t post at the weekends), so this time is spent packaging. Literally 5 minutes ago the doorbell rang about 5 times and I ignored it, then the person began to rattle the letterbox so I thought i’d better see who it was. It was my mum (said my dad was in the car) bringing round a massive cookie they’d got for their wedding anniversary last month. She wanted to ‘pop in’ but I said I was far too busy. She got really upset but went, and now I’m left feeling like the most evil bitch ever. They live a 30 minute drive away. A cookie ffs

Well done for letting your mum know that you were working. Is she always this over-emotional?

If/when she brings it up I'd suggest you just reiterate kindly but firmly that when you're working you can't have people in the house, and she should call before she drops around next time if she doesn't want to be disappointed.

I have an Etsy shop but I work from my bedroom. I can only tell you how I handle it. I'm aware different people have different methods.

Nobody just pops in but I would have no problem not letting them in. I have CCTV you can talk through and I have no problem with saying I cannot come to the door.

Re calls, texts etc I simply do not reply. I reply after my working day.

You have to be very clear with people and stick to it. If someone is upset because you didn't reply instantly to their link to a cat dancing then they need to grow the fuck up, frankly.

You have to not care that they're sulking because you won't drop everything for their trivia.

@UnitedRoad

I don’t know! It feels like people think I’m just pretending to work. They don’t support my shop and that’s fine, I’ve never asked them to, but I think it’s a bit of a joke.

I’m 50 and my friends are around my age. The garden centre/Wisley gardens friend is 61. Apart from one, none of them have jobs, most of us were stay at home mums but our kids are grown up now. I don’t know why they’re still trying to include me, we met through our children, and I don’t have much in common with them, but I’d happily meet for coffee or whatever if only I could choose when.

If you do want to meet up with them then perhaps suggest some times when you're free. If they still want to meet up outside those times then just do the 'broken record' technique - "Ah sorry, I work between 9 and 3 those days."

It was my mum (said my dad was in the car) bringing round a massive cookie they’d got for their wedding anniversary last month. She wanted to ‘pop in’ but I said I was far too busy. She got really upset but went, and now I’m left feeling like the most evil bitch ever. They live a 30 minute drive away.

This is so odd. A 30 minute drive and they don't even check you're in first? What would she have done if you were out?

It sounds like people are just used to you being available to them! Well done for telling her no, and your own feeling of guilt is probably part of the issue.

What does your DH think about all this? Presumably his friends and family aren't always turning up uninvited and letting themselves in?

Another way that worked with DM was to have a date planned in the diary when we are seeing each other. "I'm really looking forward to when we meet on X DATE " ( ie not today, tomorrow etc,)