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Original poster

Housemates and boyfriends

52 replies

ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 13/07/2021 22:15

I let out a spare room to someone 10 years' younger than me (not sure if relevant but thought I'd put it in there). We get on well, socialise together, have wine etc when she's not on dates and she was seeing someone previously who had their own place so was round at his every weekend, so all good for me.

I live pretty quietly these days and work shifts. Here's the issue - she's just been furloughed and just started seeing someone new who lives with parents a train journey away, but works in the area I live. As soon as she mentioned this I immediately thought 'oh great, he's going to be at mine at lot'.

It's only been a couple of weeks and I was away for the weekend so she obviously had him in, all fine. I was returning and she mentioned that she was getting him round to cook him dinner at the time I was due back. I was a bit miffed as she had the run of the house all weekend and long story short we got into a bit of a heated text debate as I was shattered after travelling all day and could've done without him being there.

Her argument is I don't see him and he sticks to her room, she pays rent. My argument is while I might not physically see him, I KNOW he's there so will have to think about if I wander to the bathroom in my knickers etc, I can't completely relax as I know a stranger is in, that kind of thing.

After all that she's having him stay again! (I think she thought it wouldn't notice as I got back late from my shift) and it's always a work excuse that seems like it's unavoidable, when he's managed fine two weeks ago before he met her.

I can see this just escalating and on one hand feel it's I should live the way I feel most comfortable and I've never had to put up with a flatmate's bf being there all the time, but on the other hand we do get on well, finding flatmate is a stress and am
I stressing about the day I haven't seen yet?

Thoughts?

OP posts:

Original poster

ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 13/07/2021 22:16

To add to my big story, I think I am more miffed as just before I left for my weekend away he was there and I couldn't get in the bathroom to start getting ready as he was taking a shower!

OP posts:

CavalierLifting · 13/07/2021 22:18

I think YABU, sorry, especially if they generally do make an effort to stick to her room.

Palavah · 13/07/2021 22:20

What conversation did you have about staying over when she viewed the place?

It depends how willing you are to risk her finding somewhere else entirely.

I think a reasonable rule of thumb would be that he's definitely not at your place more often per week than he's elsewhere, and you could say no more than 1 'schoolnight' and no more than 2 nights per week total?

If you'd wanted to rent to a couple you'd have rented to a couple.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships Property

Hirewiredays · 13/07/2021 22:20

I think you bite your tongues when she leaves you have a clear set of rules for be next one. I'd be well annoyed by the shower situation.

Original poster

ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 13/07/2021 22:21

@Palavah nothing really about guests but I had on my profile 'no couples'.

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Hirewiredays · 13/07/2021 22:23

If this has already been said then I would remind her of this. He'll be over all time. It would frustrate me a lot. I feel for you!

Palavah · 13/07/2021 22:26

@ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff

To add to my big story, I think I am more miffed as just before I left for my weekend away he was there and I couldn't get in the bathroom to start getting ready as he was taking a shower!

It could just as easy have been her in the shower, though. Have you had a lodger before? It is much easier to get ground rules set up front than start with mismatched expectations and have to navigate.

ABitOfAShitShow · 13/07/2021 22:26

YABU. They aren’t a couple in that sense. She is an adult paying rent. It’s up to her if she has a boyfriend over - as long as they aren’t hogging the shared spaces all the time. It’s not like it’s a different one every night.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/07/2021 22:26

Is she a lodger or is it a flat share ?

If a lodger get rid, I would not allow random men in my house

If a flat share get your own place if you can

Original poster

ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 13/07/2021 22:27

I think the if he's here more than he's at his own house then it's a problem it's a good one.

To drip feed, I actually reduced her rent a month ago by a bit as she gave me a sob story about not being able to save etc and didn't take a deposit when she first moved in. I stay in a 'naice' area of town so she's paying way below the going rate for a room including bills.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 13/07/2021 22:28

You shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home but these sort of issues should have been made VERY clear before your lodger moved in .. it's a bit vague to just say 'no couples', you should have had a frank conversation about overnight guests before she moved in.

You are within your rights to give her notice if it isn't working out, or spell it out if you are happy to have the boyfriend stay once a night ... it's cheeky of her though as the BF is obviously using hot water,, utilities etc.

Potteringshed · 13/07/2021 22:28

I don't think you'd be unreasonable to ask her to not have him over, but if I were her, I'd probably hand in my notice, unless you were offering spectacularly cheap rent or something. Life is too short to have to ask permission from your landlord to have sex.

Original poster

ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 13/07/2021 22:30

She's a lodger and I've had quite a few in the past. Only one a few years ago I've had the same problem, she practically moved her boyfriend in straight away which is why I've put 'no couples' ever since and generally choose single people, or those with partners with their own places.

OP posts:

Original poster

ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 13/07/2021 22:35

@Potteringshed

Yeah I see what you mean, but she is getting very cheap rent for the area we're in. I don't want to say don't have him round ever, but I'm pretty certain he's been here every night since last Thursday. If I were her I would've maybe given it a rest, especially for me getting back.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 13/07/2021 22:45

He was in the shower? So using hot water/electricity etc? I think I’d put an immediate stop to this. If she wants to live with him, she needs to find somewhere else to rent. You told her no and had a heated text exchange? It’s YOUR property, why would you tolerate this?

MrsDoctorDear · 13/07/2021 22:47

She's not a housemate. She is your lodger in your home. I wouldn't have him staying more than 2 nights a week.

MrsDoctorDear · 13/07/2021 22:50

long story short we got into a bit of a heated text debate
I wouldn't have this in my house, give her notice.

Original poster

ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 13/07/2021 22:51

@Cherrysoup

I didn't say no, I just said having him there when I'm due back from a weekend abroad (when he's probably been there all weekend) was not ideal, hoping she'd take the hint. The him being around chat escalated from there as she wasn't seeing it from my point at all.

He's also had 2 client sessions from my kitchen which pissed me off too as I wasn't given the head's up. But then I feel unreasonable on that front as it's more of a 'what if I walked in to get a coffee' but I didn't so why am I annoyed?!

OP posts:

CarnationCat · 13/07/2021 22:53

I would give her her notice. He should not be using your shower. He doesn't live there. He is not the lodger.

I think she's really taking the biscuit. You've reduced her rent, she's paying much less than the going rate, she knows that you said no couples but she's essentially moved her boyfriend in and she doesn't care what you think or say about it.

I would allow the odd overnight stay where he uses the toilet but nothing more and they stay in the room that she rents, but this is much more than that.

CarnationCat · 13/07/2021 22:55

The 2 clients sessions from the kitchen is something else. Please get rid of them. They're really taking you for a fool.

Lollypop701 · 13/07/2021 23:01

She is taking the mickey… he’s staying too often , hiking up bills and using the kitchen as his office. Plus she’s paying under going rate. Sound like she’s gone all out to be your friend so she can take the piss. Get rid

Palavah · 13/07/2021 23:09

Taking the piss that he did client calls from your kitchen.

However, some PPs seem to think it's unacceptable for your lodger ever to have a guests or that the guest must not consume any utilities. I think that's unrealistic.

LizB62A · 13/07/2021 23:09

Just give her notice and make your rules clear for your next lodger

Tendonsandjoints · 13/07/2021 23:15

I think it would be ok to have a friendly chat saying that although you appreciate a new relationship is important to her, you are not thrilled about having a third person, a stranger to you, around very regularly. Remind her this is a landlord-lodger situation, which is different to a flat share. And that you work shifts. Be honest, mention the shower and say that you have compromised by lowering her rent and not insisting on a deposit (which is a pretty big concession on your part) and would appreciate a bit of understanding in return eg not having him around for dinner the night you get back from a weekend, when they have had the place to themselves. Give her a chance to change the situation over the next month, and if she doesn't, reassess.

Original poster

ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 13/07/2021 23:17

I honestly don't mind the odd shower and at least they're not encroaching on my space like the living room. However I feel I need to nip this in the bud now before it escalates. It's the starting of the excuses which is getting my back up 'his client ran too late so wouldn't have had dinner poor thing/been able to get home/enter excuse here. He managed fine 3 weeks ago!!

Random showers yes, client calls from the kitchen no and he's not to be here more than he's at his own house. I start with that. She's away for 10 days so I'll say have a think about whether this is going to work for you as my house is not going to be his bolt hole because he can't be bothered travelling home.

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