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Original poster

Housemates and boyfriends

52 replies

ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 13/07/2021 22:15

I let out a spare room to someone 10 years' younger than me (not sure if relevant but thought I'd put it in there). We get on well, socialise together, have wine etc when she's not on dates and she was seeing someone previously who had their own place so was round at his every weekend, so all good for me.

I live pretty quietly these days and work shifts. Here's the issue - she's just been furloughed and just started seeing someone new who lives with parents a train journey away, but works in the area I live. As soon as she mentioned this I immediately thought 'oh great, he's going to be at mine at lot'.

It's only been a couple of weeks and I was away for the weekend so she obviously had him in, all fine. I was returning and she mentioned that she was getting him round to cook him dinner at the time I was due back. I was a bit miffed as she had the run of the house all weekend and long story short we got into a bit of a heated text debate as I was shattered after travelling all day and could've done without him being there.

Her argument is I don't see him and he sticks to her room, she pays rent. My argument is while I might not physically see him, I KNOW he's there so will have to think about if I wander to the bathroom in my knickers etc, I can't completely relax as I know a stranger is in, that kind of thing.

After all that she's having him stay again! (I think she thought it wouldn't notice as I got back late from my shift) and it's always a work excuse that seems like it's unavoidable, when he's managed fine two weeks ago before he met her.

I can see this just escalating and on one hand feel it's I should live the way I feel most comfortable and I've never had to put up with a flatmate's bf being there all the time, but on the other hand we do get on well, finding flatmate is a stress and am
I stressing about the day I haven't seen yet?

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Tendonsandjoints · 13/07/2021 23:17

Eek. Just saw the bit about the client sessions in your kitchen. That's taking the Michael.

lactofree · 13/07/2021 23:27

My friend rents two rooms out and recently had to kick a girl out because she was having her boyfriend stay over most nights. She was asked not to but continued

He has now put something into the written agreement about how often a partner can stay over

Neondisco · 13/07/2021 23:30

Seems like you want the money for the room but not the reality of living with someone.

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Original poster
ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 13/07/2021 23:31

@Neondisco

Seems like you want the money for the room but not the reality of living with someone.

I've lived with her fine since December. I like having the money for what was agreed - a single person.

OP posts:
Saidtoomuch · 13/07/2021 23:34

I would charge her double for the nights her fella stays, especially if he is using the house and not just slipping in and out - as it were. Its difficult, you did say no couples and it is a very reduced rent, but you can't expect her to live like a nun either.

TSSDNCOP · 14/07/2021 07:16

I don't think I would charge double when he stays, they might well be able to easily afford that or consider it an acceptable cost. Then OP's a slightly better of third wheel with the problem still present and now justified with cash.

Generally you like her as a lodger and getting a new one will be a ball ache but not the end of the world.

Negotiations on limiting overnights in the basis she's a lodger not a housemate, also on any stay, him respecting the common parts as necessity eg bathroom, making a drink but not for client calls. Hopefully you'll find common ground. Better still the path of true love dies on its arse in the meantime.

If she says no, or says yes but then there is creep in the arrangement pull the trigger and give notice but mean it.

FijiCavanaugh · 14/07/2021 07:34

Yeah I would tell her overnight guests no more than once a week and give notice if she gets arsey. Having fewer rights as a tenant is the price lodgers pay for cheaper rent and more flexibility.

LivingLaVidaCovid · 14/07/2021 07:46

As a precious lodger and landlord - yanbu.

I had a bloke version of this as a lodger.
Reduced rent sob story, girlfriend over all the time 2 hour curries x4 per week and a secret electric heater.

I gave notice and had the most amazong lodger after.

Give notice she shouldnt be giving you shit or arguing with you.

Mayra1367 · 14/07/2021 07:57

The dynamics have changed I think I’d ask her to leave . Occasional visit fine but definitely not ok to use your kitchen as his office. He’s obviously very comfortable there , too comfortable.

Mayra1367 · 14/07/2021 07:59

What about a Monday to Friday lodger who just needs somewhere when working but returns home to their families at weekends?

Original poster
ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 14/07/2021 08:04

She does seem to put all her time and energy into any latest guy she's seeing, in the short time she's been here. That's not my business I guess but still. Fine when they have their own place!

I've had a couple of Monday-Friday people, it's the perfect arrangement but Covid and WFH seems to have put the brakes on people looking for that arrangement unfortunately.

OP posts:
Bksjshsbbev2737 · 14/07/2021 08:08

I think you need to think about what is reasonable in terms of how often he can stay and talk to her about it; it’s fair that she can have her boyfriend over but agree that all the time is not fair on you. When I’ve been in house shares I’ve always tried to balance this with boyfriends so that everyone doesn’t get fed up.

HollowTalk · 14/07/2021 08:14

I think you were absolutely crazy to reduce her rent because she couldn't save otherwise and I think that now she sees you as an easy touch.

I don't think there's ever any way back from that - reintroducing boundaries never works.

Yousexybugger · 14/07/2021 08:16

YANBU. I think you need to provide a really clear set of rules though if you would like her to stay, no arguments, such as 'guests can stay a maximum of 3 nights a week, no exceptions', 'guests cannot use shared areas for WFH'.

If she's paying under the going rate and you can afford to manage without a lodger for a bit I would probably be tempted to give her notice and give much clearer rules next time.

It's the fact she is arguing back when you're making your points. Not saying she can't have a voice or a right to reply but you took on a single lodger and are allowing overnight visits, she is pushing her luck. The excuses about him needing to stay after work need to stop, was he getting a hotel several times a week before?

I personally wouldn't like this entitlement in my house, from either of them.

Palavah · 14/07/2021 08:51

@ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff

I honestly don't mind the odd shower and at least they're not encroaching on my space like the living room. However I feel I need to nip this in the bud now before it escalates. It's the starting of the excuses which is getting my back up 'his client ran too late so wouldn't have had dinner poor thing/been able to get home/enter excuse here. He managed fine 3 weeks ago!!

Random showers yes, client calls from the kitchen no and he's not to be here more than he's at his own house. I start with that. She's away for 10 days so I'll say have a think about whether this is going to work for you as my house is not going to be his bolt hole because he can't be bothered travelling home.

Don't say 'not here more than he's at his own house' - it's none of your business where he is when he's not at your place. You can do 'not here more than elsewhere' ie not more than 3 nights per week.

Only do that if you're ok with him being there nights per week.

You can't just jack the rent up for the nights he's there - in any case it sounds as though it's less about the money than your space.

Palavah · 14/07/2021 08:52

A single lodger isn't necessarily going to want to stay single.

NerdyBird · 14/07/2021 09:33

TBH I'd just ask her to leave. I doubt she'd stick to any agreement for long anyway, and as you've already given in on the rent I expect she sees you as a pushover.

alloverthecarpetagain · 14/07/2021 09:41

I don't think you are at all unreasonable at all to be seriously narked about this. You would not have let that room to a couple and now that's what it's turned into. She is treating it more like a house share, which it isn't. He's a random stranger to you, not someone you have decided to share your place with, and the fact she doesn't get that is a bit of a warning sign.

WimpoleHat · 14/07/2021 09:42

I think I’d be having a “sorry, this just doesn’t work for me any more” conversation and move on. Find someone else, set clear ground rules (if you’re prepared offer sub market rent, then it’s fair enough to say “no guests”, or “no guests for longer than x” and someone else will think that’s a great deal.)

cstaff · 14/07/2021 09:46

I would point out to her that you put in your advert "no couples" for this reason - that you didn't want to feel uncomfortable in your own home. Maybe give her one more chance and point out that if she doesn't comply with what you want then you will be saying goodbye to her (and her boyfriend).

Yousexybugger · 14/07/2021 09:47

Palavah you're right and that's absolutely fine. They are of course entitled to a private life but they took a room for one person so need to manage their relationship around the rules of the house. They can't expect the terms to suddenly expand to include 2 people for most of the week.

Original poster
ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 14/07/2021 09:50

She's had a pretty active sex life since I met her! And of course that's fine. I just don't want it constantly in my face.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 14/07/2021 09:54

She is treating it more like a house share, which it isn't

This is a good point, actually. Completely different if you and she had decided to bunk in and share a flat together. Then it just comes down to a tussle over bills (he’s here x% of the time using the hot water, sort of thing). This is different. She rents a room in your house and there’s a very different set of expectations….

Reloxa · 14/07/2021 12:54

I've been there with this...a single lodger who became not single, and spent time baking cakes at midnight with him and taking baths with him on a Saturday afternoon. It was awkward, and I found myself staying out of my own house.

She moved out of her own volition pretty shortly, but in that situation I'd give notice. It's understandable people want to treat a house as their own, but not at the expense of the person who owns the house.

CastawayQueen · 14/07/2021 13:14

@FijiCavanaugh

Yeah I would tell her overnight guests no more than once a week and give notice if she gets arsey. Having fewer rights as a tenant is the price lodgers pay for cheaper rent and more flexibility.
Yeha can’t have everything can she? Ask her to get a flats hare if she wants BF’s around lots. I knew I’d want to have lots of overnight dates so I never went for lodging situations…
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