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Original poster

Alcohol after afternoon funeral?

53 replies

Backhills · 06/07/2021 22:22

DH's funeral, after 19 July, when hopefully, restrictions on numbers are relaxed.

I'm going to invite people back here after, as numbers allow. I'm thinking sandwiches and cake in the garden. I really can't get my head around whether alcohol would be the norm. Most people will be driving and it seems weird to me to drink after a funeral, the only ones I've been to have been fairly sedate church hall affairs, but I also know the boozy wake is a thing.

I'm hoping people won't stay too long!

OP posts:

MajesticWhine · 06/07/2021 22:25

In my family we would 100% want a drink at a wake. But if you and your immediate friends and family are not big drinkers, then I would just stick with a cup of tea. Tea and cake sounds nice.
I am really sorry for your loss.

ChuckMater · 06/07/2021 22:27

Stick to tea if you don't want people to stay long.

Sorry for your loss x

LoveManyTrustfewAlwaysPaddle · 06/07/2021 22:30

You do what ever makes you comfortable.

Sorry for you loss.

tillytoodles1 · 06/07/2021 22:32

In my family funerals go on all day, well at least until 10pm, then the closest relatives usually go back to someone's house and carry on drinking until past midnight. I come from a huge Catholic family and this is the norm.

lurker101 · 06/07/2021 22:32

Sorry for your loss. It’s the norm at funerals where I’m from in NI.

LawnFever · 06/07/2021 22:35

Sorry for your loss.

I think if you’re inviting people to your house for tea & cake there’s no need to provide alcohol, we did the same after my mums funeral.

If you’re having a gathering in a pub etc yes people would have an alcoholic drink but I think it’s perfectly fine what you’re planning at home, do what makes you feel comfortable.

MikeHat · 06/07/2021 22:36

So sorry for your loss.
I've never had alcohol at a funeral, always tea and cake but certainly some families/ cultures do.
The important thing is for you to get through the day so I would just do what makes you feel most comfortable.

Original poster

Backhills · 06/07/2021 22:48

Hmm. My background is Methodist and whilst family certainly aren't the teetotal on a daily basis, there wouldn't be alcohol mixed with religion.

Our friends, especially DH's friends, I suspect, will find it strange not to have a drink.

OP posts:

Purple21 · 06/07/2021 22:55

It's norm to drink at wakes in my area.
But understand those who don't, tea and cake sounds lovely. Do what your comfortable with.
Sorry for your loss

SnowdaySewday · 06/07/2021 23:04

At DF's funeral wake, we had a buffet with tea and coffee. DM's friend organised the refreshments (DM paid but friend had free reign to sort out whatever was needed to relieve DM of one task).

The friend included wine for everyone to have a glass to toast to DF's memory. Not something I'd seen before, but it was lovely.

Divorcedand2teenDDs · 06/07/2021 23:14

Sincere condolences to you. In thinking about everyone else’s needs, remember your own too. I’m sure everyone will really want to support you on the day.
Tea and cake is just right for straight after the service. Do ask others to help you with this though - you shouldn’t be the one in charge of the kettle etc.
For those who might want to go for a drink after, I’d suggest you ask one or two of your DH’s closest friends to arrange with the others to regroup at a local pub after calling in at your house. You could suggest a time to them. That way you know they won’t stay longer than you’d want.
I really hope all goes well on the day and you can focus on celebrating your DHs life and mourning him rather than on what your guests might want or expect. They will be fine and will want more than anything else to support you and any other close relatives.
Sending hugs and good wishes.

Willowkins · 06/07/2021 23:14

Firstly, it's absolutely okay to do what feels right to you. If teetotal is your thing then no alcohol is fine. Also, I'm guessing your DH didn't leave instructions but if he did, what would he say?

Cowbells · 06/07/2021 23:19

I agree with the suggestion of offering tea and cake at home and then if people want to go for a drink afterwards, suggest moving on to a specific nearby pub at a specific time. Then you can easily move people out of your own home, you don't need to provide booze or deal with the emotions that run high at funerals when drink is added to the mix, and if you can't face a long evening you can make your excuses after one drink, or even stay behind as other people go off to the pub.

Palavah · 06/07/2021 23:39

@Divorcedand2teenDDs

Sincere condolences to you. In thinking about everyone else’s needs, remember your own too. I’m sure everyone will really want to support you on the day. Tea and cake is just right for straight after the service. Do ask others to help you with this though - you shouldn’t be the one in charge of the kettle etc. For those who might want to go for a drink after, I’d suggest you ask one or two of your DH’s closest friends to arrange with the others to regroup at a local pub after calling in at your house. You could suggest a time to them. That way you know they won’t stay longer than you’d want. I really hope all goes well on the day and you can focus on celebrating your DHs life and mourning him rather than on what your guests might want or expect. They will be fine and will want more than anything else to support you and any other close relatives. Sending hugs and good wishes.

Great advice

motherstongue · 07/07/2021 00:00

So sorry for your loss. Would you not consider having the tea afterwards in a hall or hotel (if funds allow)? It means you can greet friends and family and thank them for their support but crucially you can leave when it suits you so you don’t have to deal with anyone out-staying their welcome. It is customary where I live to provide at least one drink at the funeral tea. The most important thing is doing what you feel comfortable with as ultimately that’s all that matters.

Original poster

Backhills · 07/07/2021 06:36

The problem is that, at the moment, you can't just move on to the pub without knowing numbers in advance. Even then it's all tables of six.

If you have it at a hotel or similar, it's tables if six and no mingling. That might have changed by the date of the funeral, but there'll be no time to change arrangements.

OP posts:

Original poster

Backhills · 07/07/2021 06:39

Halls for hire aren't open

OP posts:

MakeMeCleanTheHouse · 07/07/2021 06:42

I am also Methodist background and have had a pandemic funeral. I didn't put alcohol out because it would have been weird for some older family members and those who were driving. It would have suggested party as alcohol isn't a part of their normal functioning.

I did have two men who can't imagine attending a funeral without alcohol and offered them wine. One accepted and the other took his lead from the main mourners and didn't

Don't feel you have to comply with the boozy wake thing. It's not for everyone just like loud boozy pubs aren't. Do what feels right for you and your DH and immediate mourners

LawnFever · 07/07/2021 06:42

@Backhills

The problem is that, at the moment, you can't just move on to the pub without knowing numbers in advance. Even then it's all tables of six.

If you have it at a hotel or similar, it's tables if six and no mingling. That might have changed by the date of the funeral, but there'll be no time to change arrangements.

All the more reason to stick to your original plan, if others want to arrange to go for a drink afterwards they can plan it themselves

Your tea & cake plan sounds perfectly fine, as I said it’s what we did after my mums funeral and nobody batted an eyelid or even mentioned alcohol, and that was pre covid.

Hyppogriff · 07/07/2021 06:44

Sorry. Do whatever you feel comfortable doing. When I held funerals for my mum and dad we did offer alcohol and people did drink it. Went to one where booze wasn’t on offer and there was an uncle who had brought a big hip flask and was offering it into people’s teas and coffees which they were accepting !!

WaterBottle123 · 07/07/2021 07:05

At my DH's funeral I was desperate for a drink to take the edge of. You may feel the same?

So sorry for your loss

theadventuregoeson · 07/07/2021 08:01

Do what you want. If people can’t go a couple of hours without a drink that says a lot about them. Also, have someone on hand to move people along if you want your house back. It can be done without being rude. Just a quiet word when you’ve had enough and need time and space yourself.

I am sorry for your loss.

Oldraver · 07/07/2021 08:09

I hadcpeople back to mine early afternoon and didn't want it to turn into a boozy affair so don't provide any. I put on food and they all buggered off after

Radio4ordie · 07/07/2021 08:12

Literally no one will be critiquing your beverage selection when you have just lost your husband. Do what makes you feel comfortable and don’t worry about it. Xxx

Original poster

Backhills · 07/07/2021 08:25

I honestly don't know what I want. Part of me wants to be as inhospitable as possible in the hope people leave quickly, another part wants to send DH off with a bang.

DH and I would never have hosted any other gathering without offering a drink.

He was famous for his love of a good whisky and everyone who visited him while he was sick, brought a bottle, which he was too ill to enjoy. So, we could open some of that in his honour. But them not everyone (most people?) will want scotch so I need to offer a selection?

OP posts:

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