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Original poster

Alcohol after afternoon funeral?

53 replies

Backhills · 06/07/2021 22:22

DH's funeral, after 19 July, when hopefully, restrictions on numbers are relaxed.

I'm going to invite people back here after, as numbers allow. I'm thinking sandwiches and cake in the garden. I really can't get my head around whether alcohol would be the norm. Most people will be driving and it seems weird to me to drink after a funeral, the only ones I've been to have been fairly sedate church hall affairs, but I also know the boozy wake is a thing.

I'm hoping people won't stay too long!

OP posts:
Oddbutnotodd · 07/07/2021 08:35

My husband left instructions for his funeral. It was actually very helpful. He too liked whisky. People had the option of wine and a selection of his malt whiskies. Tea and coffee were also available.

LadyBonnibel · 07/07/2021 08:36

I went to a funeral that had an afternoon tea afterwards (it was in a church hall but could easily have been a garden). It was really lovely. Is getting it catered an option or buying everything in so you don’t have to rush around (unless you’d prefer being occupied)? Or ask a couple of people to be helpers to keep the tea and coffee supply going. I would think people can arrange their own pub trip for after or they may want to bring whisky but that doesn’t mean you you have to provide it. You could also specify a time period and include info about nearby pubs where people might want to go on afterwards.

Wishing you strength and comfort OP Flowers

ElaborateSalad · 07/07/2021 08:41

Sorry for your loss. In my experience, drinking at a wake is perfectly normal.

Original poster
Backhills · 07/07/2021 08:45

@Oddbutnotodd

My husband left instructions for his funeral. It was actually very helpful. He too liked whisky. People had the option of wine and a selection of his malt whiskies. Tea and coffee were also available.
What did you do about glasses?

I can maybe manage "a" glass for everyone but malt is usually served in the good glasses, definitely not plastic!

OP posts:
MarianneUnfaithful · 07/07/2021 09:07

Sending you love and strength.

I too am of a Methodist background, culturally by my generation, not religious, and I think there is no ‘norm’ that you need feel constrained by. I have been to after-funeral gatherings with and without alcohol. Also it has been common for groups of friends to retire to the public or someone else’s house to continue talking.

Apart from needing to think about glasses you could even decide the day before whether you want to follow the Malt whisky route.

I think you need a hench woman or man. Is there a close friend that you can ask to arrange glasses? IMO it would be perfectly OK to say ‘if you would like to join friends in enjoying DH’s love if Malt please bring your whisky glass and maybe one extra’

Put the friend in charge of managing them all too. Have a signal or agreement that once you have had enough, the friend tactfully let’s people know that it’s time to leave you to rest. And has another friend to do the clearing up with.

This is an occasion, like childbirth, when you have complete licence to state your needs. People will want to do what they can.

wasthataburp · 07/07/2021 09:19

100% normal to have alcohol

shinynewapple21 · 07/07/2021 09:30

Sorry for your loss @Backhills

I have experienced funerals both where alcohol was served, and where it wasn't. The ones where it wasn't were an elderly person with Baptist church background.

For my dad's funeral we provided wine and beer , plus tea and coffee. My brother and I and our families all drunk the alcohol but the older people who had been my parents friends and neighbours, plus relatives who had travelled stuck to tea/coffee.

shinynewapple21 · 07/07/2021 09:33

You were asking about glasses, I think we had what was provided by the catering company plus disposables as we were in process of emptying family home following my parents moving to care home .

lostonadustyrock · 07/07/2021 09:33

Sorry for your loss. If you don't want to have people hanging around, tea and cake is probably better. Do whatever YOU need to to get through the day.

Alcohol and the pub is the norm at the funerals I've attended (mainly Irish Catholic and Serbian - at the latter we broke bread and swigged whiskey from the bottle directly after the service which is apparently tradition - pre covid obviously).

Flowers
TheRosesOfSuccess · 07/07/2021 09:36

Am so sorry for your loss Backhills. Really understand your comment about wanting to be inhospitable, but also sending him off with a bang.

Of course everyone's not the same, but we've lost 4 immediate family members and my best friend in the last few years. After the funerals, the get togethers have been lovely, a time to talk about the person and remember them. Hugely comforting and although it sounds odd, enjoyable too.

That said, at each event, the actual hosting has been managed by friends and other family members. So how about offering a whisky in his memory (it sounds like he would have liked that!) or a glass of wine? You can hire glasses from some supermarkets, or Majestic will deliver them. And then hand over all the hosting effort to someone else, a friend perhaps, so you can talk, laugh and cry with the people who cared about your husband.

Original poster
Backhills · 07/07/2021 10:21

Of course everyone's not the same, but we've lost 4 immediate family members and my best friend in the last few years. After the funerals, the get togethers have been lovely, a time to talk about the person and remember them. Hugely comforting and although it sounds odd, enjoyable too.

Yes, now I'm thinking it will be sad if everyone is in a rush to get away.

I think I have the makings of a plan:

  • Menu: sandwiches, cake, fruit (grapes,apples,satumas, nothing that needs prep) crisps. I'm afraid, apart from some vegetarian sandwiches, special diets will have to manage.
  • Tea, Coffee, orange juice, water, a fizzy soft drink (?)
- Whisky, Prosecco (more on this later), beer
  • Order ready made sandwiches, friend A to collect in the morning
  • Ask those who want to to make cake, friend B who is a good baker and organiser to co ordinate this for me
  • Ask friend C, who does a lot of entertaining, if she can lend some glasses
  • BIL and DN to be in charge of serving drinks. DN can man the kettle, will probably be glad of something to do.
  • paper /plastic cups for hot drinks, soft drinks, wine and beer. Actually I could get bottled beer and most people won't use a glass.
  • paper plates

Now, the Prosecco. DH also loved Prosecco, I don't get it, prefer real ale myself Grin He bought 2 cases at Christmas and what with Christmas being cancelled and him getting ill it was never drunk, so as well as a cupboard full of good Scotch, I have a garage full of decent Prosecco. Would it be weird to have a "celebration" drink at a funeral?

I don't love the idea of paper plates and plastic cups, but think that's what I'll have to do.

How does that sound?

Fingers crossed for the weather.

OP posts:
TheRosesOfSuccess · 07/07/2021 10:55

That sounds perfect. And how lovely to have a celebration drink, not at all weird. Glad you're planning on handing over some prep, and the hosting work on the day.

Will be hoping for glorious weather, and a lovely farewell for your DH that brings you comfort.

mindutopia · 07/07/2021 10:57

Sorry about your husband. In my experience, alcohol is the norm after a funeral (as long as it's after about 11am), but I think it's perfectly fine to do whatever you feel comfortable with. Tea/coffee and sandwiches is lovely and if people wish to go off to a local pub to have a drink after, they can.

ErrolTheDragon · 07/07/2021 11:04

I'm sorry for your loss.
Everything you've suggested - alcohol or not - sounds fine. And sharing the drinks your DH liked with his friends sounds both sensible and a nice commemoration.

I hope the weather is kind .

Bunny2021 · 07/07/2021 11:13

Sorry for your loss.

I think your plan to have prosecco is lovely if that's what your DH liked to drink. At my father's funeral a few years ago we did have quite a lot of wine (as it's what my father drank and we knew he'd want us to be enjoying ourselves as best we can). The wake was actually quite 'lovely' as it was an opportunity for people to share memories and have a toast to my father and to thank everyone for coming.

Katefoster · 07/07/2021 11:16

I always need a glass of wine after a funeral

Katefoster · 07/07/2021 11:16

Reallt sorry for your loss xxx

Palavah · 07/07/2021 11:17

Yes that sounds lovely. I hope you will find it a comfort to hear people's memories of your DH.

SwimBaby · 07/07/2021 11:24

Sorry for your loss, my friend who is religious and doesn’t like to drink had a wake for her DH and served tea, coffee and soft drinks. All the people that attended respected my friends decision and it was actually a really nice afternoon. I know that sounds a bit funny but it was a nice do.

PeacheyPeach · 07/07/2021 11:52

You do what you want. People will just want to support you, so if you have put on cake and a pot of tea then that is what they will have. If you don't want to serve alcohol then don't. Have you got anyone to help you serve, make the coffee/tea,

Confusedandshaken · 07/07/2021 11:55

The Prosecco idea sounds lovely. My family are under strict instructions that when I die (eventually, hopefully not imminently) they are all to cry a lot at the funeral and then see me out with lots of champagne at the reception (not a wake - a wake takes place before the funeral).

FinallyHere · 07/07/2021 12:12

We in are certainly not big drinkers in our family.

For an afternoon funeral, we would have a bottle of whiskey or rum and one of some sweet liquor, maybe orange or coffee.

A glass goes well with coffee/tea and can seem comforting for such a sad occasion. It was especially popular with the elderly ladies.

It would certainly not be expected and one would have more than one glass.

We had a bottle each of Irish whiskey and Cointreau for my MiL's funeral held in her care home, for some dusty people. The two bottles were over a quarter full afterwards, the orange more popular than the whiskey. . We left them in the home. No idea whether anyone ever drank them.

No one would miss it if it were not provided.

Just read the thread and I think it would be lovely to server the whiskey. I'd ask a friend to arrange to borrow small glasses (our local Waitrose hires them out , other off live exes will do the same. Small glasses and just the whiskey is what I would do.

Caught up with the thread, I'm thinking that Prosecco would be lovely. Could a friend get glasses and lots of I've from a supermarket to serve it cold?

All the best and so sorry for your loss. These are especially difficult circumstances for funerals.

ApolloandDaphne · 07/07/2021 12:14

My uncles wake was in the church hall and it was tea/coffee, sandwiches and cakes. No alcohol was served. It was lovely.

Cowbells · 07/07/2021 12:17

OP, a celebration drink is a great idea. One of the best parties I've ever been to was my dear SiL's funeral. She was so deeply loved by so many people and when we all gathered, we talked about her, shared memories and stories. The love was in the air. Sounds sentimental but it was.

You could play some of his favourite music too.

I think your plans are lovely.

MarianneUnfaithful · 07/07/2021 12:21

OP, that sounds perfect.

Excellent way for friends to support you and be of invaluable practical help.

And the more you say about your DH, his appreciation of malt whisky, his enthusiastic purchase of prosecco - the more it sounds as if he would approve of such a send-off, and a toast to his life and love of you with the prosecco .

Waitrose do free wine glass and flute hire but I am sure your friend will source glasses a-plenty.