Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

The last time you “ghosted” / decided not to pursue a potential new friendship, why was that?

48 replies

Emmazebra · 04/07/2021 21:51

If you’ve been in a situation recently where you’ve met someone (in a non-romantic context) and for eg they invited you for another coffee / play date for your kids / walk / drink etc and you’ve not replied and not made any effect to contact them back, why was that?

Struggling to make friends Sad and feel like I’m in a cycle of meeting someone, eg going for a coffee with a local mum, feeling like we get along well but then never seeing or hearing from them again.

Trying to work out why / whether this happens to everyone and whether to give up I guess!

OP posts:
namechanged984630 · 04/07/2021 21:52

For me it was because they wanted to see me every single week and it was too much snd me trying to space them out didn't work.

You sound lovely OP, though!!

Original poster
Emmazebra · 04/07/2021 22:04

Thanks @namechanged984630 that’s definitely not the case here I’m busy myself so definitely don’t expect to see anyone on a weekly basis or text everyday or anything (I’m not high maintenance)

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 04/07/2021 22:54

Very busy and forgot.

dohdohdoh · 04/07/2021 22:55

Hi OP,

So annoying when people do that! I'm quite conscientious about this and always reply to potential mum friends as I don't want people to feel how you're feeling (and how I've sometimes felt).

I sometimes wonder if the other person might just be a little shy to reply/persue etc. Or they might already be at their max quota of friends. Or just busy esp. if they have more than one child.

The lack of response can knock your confidence but it's nothing you're doing wrong! I wouldn't give up - you'll find the ones that click, but it just takes time and effort (and maintaining the confidence that you are a great person worth being friends with).

GNCQ · 04/07/2021 23:00

Seriously, when I do that it's usually completely by mistake - as in, life is hectic, other stuff gets prioritized, forgot to reply, realised loads of time has gone by since meaning to reply then feel awkward about replying so late - make mental note to look out for person on school run (work/gym/other place you normally see them) to chat properly.

I know it's hard being the new mum in the area but please don't think of it as "ghosting" some people are just really busy but mean well and probably like you.

Paddling654 · 04/07/2021 23:02

Messy family issues that I was going to be asked to mix my own family up in.

GNCQ · 04/07/2021 23:03

My bad grammar there might not have put across that I make a mental note, I'm not telling you to.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 04/07/2021 23:05

There have been co-workers who wanted to be friends outside of work - but they are just hateful - racist, elitist, negative, mean girls - I don't let anything progress. Just nasty people - but they have no self awareness they are mean and nasty.

Yuck.

EverythingDelegated · 04/07/2021 23:17

I have a fairly close group of friends who meet in the group, whoever's free, for coffee every three weeks or so, then another few that I meet individually once every couple of months and a few more that I meet for coffee once or twice a year. So anyone I've just met is likely to slot in somewhere between groups two and three, it wouldn't be that I don't like them if I didn't contact them for a while, it's just how my friendships tend to be, plus fitting in round work and other commitments. I'd always reply to a text, but if it was the case that you were just chatting and said "it would be nice to do coffee sometime", I might agree but not have time for weeks. If I sensed that you were eg new to the area or school I would make more effort though.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 04/07/2021 23:17

I had a few "first dates" followed by a big fat nothing.
never could work out why either.

now I'm just too busy and while I'm happy to bump into ex-class mums and chat it's just not likely either of us will make an effort to meet up.
I know I'm quite preoccupied, forgetful, perpetually exhausted and also not eager to plan ahead.
so even if I ended up meeting for coffee I'd not have the motivation or energy to initiate more.

VikingLady · 04/07/2021 23:21

Quite often I think I do this - but it's because I don't believe they really want to be friends, that they are just asking out of pity or politeness.

Although sometimes I step back from potential friendships because they are bigots, very religious (we REALLY won't get on), they criticise my parenting/child/appearance constantly, they keep trying to stand too close and breathe right into my nostrils, they are terminal dropper-ins....

o8T8o · 04/07/2021 23:34

Lots of things are just very weird at the moment👀more people than usual seem to have a particularly short fuse💣

StillCalmX · 04/07/2021 23:39

I stopped responding to a friend because I had a ft job and was a single parent to two children and she got angry with me because I didn't respond to her messages quickly enough. I was having to respond on the bus, and sometimes I just wanted to listen to an audible but I was responding asap and then one day she snapped at ME! I was just like, ok, no more. I never gave any explanation and she probably was confused.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 05/07/2021 01:29

Intensely demanding of my time/headspace to provide a listening post to all issues, usually going round in circles and repeating, without caring what was happening in my life or offering the same.

memberofthewedding · 05/07/2021 02:45

Ive been like this ever since a few years back when I was foolish enough to let a neighbour get her needy claws into me and soon she was running my life. I found myself lying and inventing excuses to avoid her. After she moved (phew) I developed a polite but "cool and distant" strategy towards people like neighbours and casual acquaintances. They cant exactly claim I snub them but I dont encourage them. I dont text or offer my phone number to neighbours and other randoms

They may be perfectly nice people. However I have my own agenda and I just cant be bothered making the effort.

Susannahmoody · 05/07/2021 02:49

Hmm, it was all take, take, take. I felt like I was the one making all the effort, she just seemed so passive. So I just stopped making the effort so now of course she's making the effort!

Also this woman had a very time consuming, boring 'passion' in life which was volunteering, and she NEVER fucking stopped talking about it.

I don't have time for this shit.

Gothichouse40 · 05/07/2021 02:53

Yes, neighbours. Learnt my lesson there, Im now polite but distant. The thing that finished it for me was one night, about 9pm my neighbour phoned me, wanting me to visit her. I couldn't and she went in a right strop. My neighbour ended up being very , very demanding and practically ordering me over to hers all the time. I hasten to add she had a partner, so this wasn't loneliness. I explained to her I couldn't just drop everything at a moments notice to go to hers. After that she put her house up for sale and moved. I was relieved. Never again with neighbours. Happy to chat but keep myself to myself.

KimmyAndMe · 05/07/2021 04:46

I ghosted one “friend” about two years ago. We met through our DD’s dance class. I quite enjoyed meeting up with her once a week whilst we waited for our DD’s. Then she began talking about the other dancers and putting them down. I felt uncomfortable that she didn’t have a good word to say about anybody. She always compared the others, unfavourably, to her dd. Just before covid restrictions she began the constant text messages wanting to meet up or call for a “chat”. She became too much so I blocked her on social media and blocked her phone number. DD hasn’t returned to dance class since covid so I doubt (hope) we never see them again.

The other I ghosted recently. She had been a friend for 20+ years and we always got on well. Then she began all this nonsense calling people who had the vaccine “sheeple” and putting stupid laughing emojis on fb posts when friends mentioned social distancing, wearing masks or any concerns around covid. She constantly messaged to meet up during covid restrictions and scoffed when I told her I wouldn’t meet with her because I was following guidelines (I have members of my immediate family on the vulnerable list and wouldn’t have met with her anyway). She tried her best to make me see there is no such thing as Covid “It’s only flu …The Government is lying… They want to control us… yada yada”. I told her I didn’t agree with her. She kept on trying to persuade me so I blocked her, and have no wish to reconnect with her, ever.

Amdone123 · 05/07/2021 05:24

I worked with someone years ago and we got on so well. I left the job and tried numerous times to get in touch. Ignored every time. I gave up. I met her a few years later in a pub and she was so apologetic. She said even her husband told her she'd lost a potential friend for life. She just couldn't understand why she behaved that way.

But I've also done the same to others. On reflection, they've been too much ; not needy, but like my former colleague, I can't explain it.
Sometimes it's just not the right time for a friendship to develop. I don't try too hard with anyone now. Let it develop naturally.

Peoniesandpeaches · 05/07/2021 05:28

Usually it’s just that I don’t know how to respond or am feeling self conscious and then it rolls on for so long that I can’t reply without seeming like an idiot

OutComeTheWolves · 05/07/2021 05:31

I want to with a particular person but due to circumstances it's not possible. The reason is because they're very intense - always annoyed about something and always talking about their problems when I'd just like an 'ooh lovely weather sort of chat'. I'm not very sociable though and don't have much capacity for intense conversations with someone I don't know very well on a daily basis.

I do feel conflicted though because they actually are a very kind, caring person they just are very different to me socially.

Anyway they sit right next to me at work so I won't be ghosting them (just trying and failing to dial things down a bit) but I will if I ever leave my job.

MareofBeasttown · 05/07/2021 05:35

Because the only topic of conversation they had was their children and I am not very interested in other people's children.

Pigeonorcoot · 05/07/2021 05:41

Not a decision as such, but I haven't pursued a new potential friendship because I have a non sleeping baby and a disabled partner along with all the usual life stresses and I just don't have the the me or headspace. It's a shame because she seems really nice. I feel bad for not messaging but life kept getting in the way and now it's been ages Blush

Wormholes · 05/07/2021 05:58

Like pp, it's because I'm up to my quota of friends.

I hate being overcommitted, and once you get up to four, five, six people to be meeting for coffees, chats, lunches, walks etc you don't have any time for yourself. y

I also like my friends to be inspiring: to know things I don't know. Just chatting shit about their kids/covid/footy/telly would turn me right off.

traumatisednoodle · 05/07/2021 05:59

Busy time at work
Found out she liked a bit of snow (not ok with me)
Lack of reciporcity (I was always ending up with all the kids), actually I think this is the main one- I end of feeling used.