The last time you “ghosted” / decided not to pursue a potential new friendship, why was that?

[Emmazebra]

If you’ve been in a situation recently where you’ve met someone (in a non-romantic context) and for eg they invited you for another coffee / play date for your kids / walk / drink etc and you’ve not replied and not made any effect to contact them back, why was that?

Struggling to make friends and feel like I’m in a cycle of meeting someone, eg going for a coffee with a local mum, feeling like we get along well but then never seeing or hearing from them again.

Trying to work out why / whether this happens to everyone and whether to give up I guess!

I'm in a social group (hobby related) and I keep getting tagged in things on FB (or deliberately not in some cases), so I've stopped responding to stuff all the time on FB and WhatsApp. It's exhausting me having to think about the meaning and intention behind everything. It's easier to withdraw and not respond.

The one time I can think of is because the potential 'friend' had an odd air of intense-ness and desperation about her. Difficult to describe. Tbh I have a habit of not cultivating potential frienships so I gave this one a chance and regretted it - she asked me to a be bridesmaid at her wedding after knowing her for about 2 months. There was just something a little odd about her. I didnt accept being bridesmaid and we dont talk now.

Tbh OP, these days im only friends with people that are convenient for me and slot into my life easily. Perhaps the people you're meeting are just quite busy with not a lot of extra time to spare?

I have social anxiety and introversion. I'm happiest reading, or watching TV, or going to a museum alone. Lots of people don't understand this. I'd like more friends, but when they push to go out more than once a month or more I lessen contact. Some people persist in staying in touch even after I've tried to ghost them. That tells me they are worth knowing, because they see past the ghosting and know it's how I deal with people.

Some push too hard after being ghosted and I block them. I get overwhelmed when people are too pushy. I don't like people telling me they are the person who will make me better by engaging with them on a near daily basis. That is deeply uncomfortable.

There's a lot of rules, I know, but that's how I cope with people!

Because the initial coffee showed me this wasn’t someone I necessarily wanted to have in my life on an ongoing basis and frankly, if I’ve only met them twice, i don’t think they need an elaborately tactful ‘letting down gently’. I’m sure some of those people thought we ‘got on well’ over coffee, too, but I need more than that in a potential friend.

I'm a bit guilty of this I'm afraid. I work full time self employed and I'm a single parent. I do the school run and I love having little chats with other parents but because I wfh other mums think I'm free for phone calls and socialising.
Some of them literally live for the primary school dramas and quiz me about the school comments on Facebook, I really don't have time to read that stuff . They try to invite themselves round on a weekday afternoon for play dates, sadly I can't do that . Ds tends to do his homework/ have a snack / watch a bit of TV while I finish work during that time. I do try to tell them politely but It's at the point I have to ignore calls / texts

As I've got older I've let possible friendships sail on by because I don't want to get involved in something that may turn out hard work or find we actually don't get on. It's a commitment issue I think as I don't want to feel beholden in any way so it's better to nip it in the bud. I'm sure I've missed some great friends this way

I am an introvert who works full time with primary kids and a dh who doesnt pull his weight with housework. I value quiet time. I like people but making arrangements to meet just takes away the very limited time I have for me and I prioritise me at the moment (so I stay sane). I wouldnt ghost you though but i would be clear that i couldnt commit to any regular catch ups but would be more than happy to have a quick chat when I saw you, stay friendly etc. As in that old cliche "it's me not you".

The people I ghosted...
Person A lived local and would turn up at my door daily, quick knock and walk in. She'd overstay her welcome.
I was never invited to her house in the whole year she haunted me and when I once turned up with a Birthday gift (she'd bought given me one first) she almost shut the door in my face.
Our dc were in the same class at school and she would compare our dc then look for pity. She would also try to offer parenting advice which she really needed to take on herself (her dc was/is very rude and lacking in social skills).
Person B tried to belittle me in front of other people.
Talks endlessly about one specific thing and expects me to be interested.
Is a know-it-all who knows f all.
Used me for money.

I have a terrible memory. Please text me and we'll arrange something.

Apparently there is a BFF tinder.

Honestly, I think a lot of the time it's just tiring getting to know new people and people are more comfortable in their old friends group.

For me, I like meeting new people and if someone makes the effort to invite me to something then I'll make the effort to be there.

Reasons I don't want to turn an acquaintance into a friend in the past are:
They've made unacceptable comments,
They likley wouldn't gel with my other friends.
They seem to want to see me too often and I'd only let them down.
They are hinting for help with childcare. This has been a big issue for me over the years, I gave up a good job to work nights in a supermarket and people were always hinting when they found out I was off during the day.
They seem whiney/talk about themselves a lot.

I have been ghosted by a mum friend who I thought we were getting along really well. It was when it came time to choose schools and we went private. It hurt and confused me at the time but looking back I recalled she had always been quite competitive ... especially about milestones (no point really as DS has developmental issues so her DS always 'won' ).

I am gradually pulling away from a friendship. Known this woman for 16 years and always been friendly, but all of a sudden she has become really intense. Sending me gifts, buying birthday gifts for my Dcs when she has never done that before. Constant requests to catch up. The change was dramatic and all started about the time DH got a promotion at work in the fairly niche field her DH is in and I expect it is related and they are trying to schmooze us for a job offer. I like her, but the sudden obsession with being my bestie makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

I've never ghosted anyone though. I hate that. Just polite backing off is enough

I don’t want to meet up repeatedly with people who talk talk talk, don’t listen, and don’t ask questions. Conversions should be two ways.

The only time I've done this was where I really liked the mum, but her child is VERY unruly, and she doesn't control him at all. I didn't intend to ghost her, but I procrastinated and delayed replying, then didn't know what to say... I could have handled it better for sure.

It wasn't that I disliked her whatsoever.

If I catch even the faintest whiff that the other person would come to rely on me in some way I back off.

I don't do the symbiotic friendship thing that some people seem to thrive on.

I do have one or two friends I'd do anything for and have leant on them in the past but it's always been a brief thing and then I'm back to being independent. Plus I've known them for years and know they won't take the piss.

I also don't like constant negativity - which is ironic given I am seriously depressed

But I don't want to wallow in it especially with people I barely know.

I can think of two. One twenty-odd years ago who told me evolution wasn't real, and one much more recently where we had nothing in common other than kids in the same class. We went to the kid's birthday party and the mother took a personal phone call for 30 minutes while I sat there like a lemon. She called me back to keep in touch but I never replied. Life is too short, frankly.

I've recently done this to a couple of girls I used to be friends with in my first job. Since then (over 10 years ago) we've really grown apart, and each time I met up with them it felt like a waste of time - neither side was particularly interested in the other and just wanted to talk about themselves; they also cancelled once or twice because they wanted to go to their gym lesson instead or had an appointment with a window sales man (I was going to go to London for them).

If it's someone you only met recently they might just be caught up in day to day stuff and not have meant anything by not replying?

Too many of my own hangups that I don't want to unleash unwittingly. Natural introversion, primarily inattentive ADHD and anxiety which are hard and exhausting to mask. Bad memories of being ghosted, betrayed, etc. All too much effort.

Don't get me wrong, I'm never going to be rude but maybe my awkwardness shows just enough for the new potential friend to decide I'm not worth getting to know beyond a polite superficial level. That seems to be best for me right now.

Reasons I would back off on a new friendship:

Racist, classist or misogynist comments.
Too evangelical about religion or politics
MLM
Moving too fast, talking about holidays away together too soon (or at all!)
Bitching about other people
Wildly different parenting styles
One sided requests for childcare, especially when they hint or make out they really want to see me when what they need is a favour. Just ask.
Only talking about themselves
Oversharing every detail of their life too early
Turning up unannounced (I’m looking at you, new neighbour!)
Bragging or being overly competitive
People who need me to eat in order for them to be able to eat. I’m not talking about meals, more snacks or cake.

I do have friends and I always want to meet new people but if too much of the above then I consider it to be not working.

Someone I’d thought was a nice, normal person, told me they’d had a dog, but she’d got fed up with it, so had got her dh to drive it into the countryside and ‘let it go’.
A swift end to that friendship, then.

I took a step back from a potential friendship when they hinted, repeatedly and persistently, that they wanted to move into my house. Nope, not happening!

I also had given lots of empathy regarding their problems, but didn't get even a "sorry to hear that" back when I told them about my sudden bereavement. No reciprocity.