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Original poster

I have ended my marriage

38 replies

RainbowRaine · 04/07/2021 01:16

Now what the fuck do I do?

After 20 years, I can't do it any longer, I can't listen the bullshit anymore, the lies, the deceptiveness.
I deserve better

The OW is alcohol

I feel like no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I was never good enough.

I don't love him anymore, I don't feel anything.

I just feel exhausted

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 04/07/2021 01:19

Well done OP Flowers

Now you spend some time looking after you. Remembering things you like, things you don't. Working out who you are outside of that hell.

Read, take up rambling, do a pottery class, watch some trash TV, knit, cycle, anything.

You are free.

TiddyAndFletch · 04/07/2021 01:23

First of all, you say a huge 'well done' to yourself for having the courage to do this.

Secondly, you deal with the practicalities - if you need advice on your specific circumstances from a legal/financial perspective, there will be lots available on here (but first and foremost, make sure you have RL advice from a good solicitor).

Finally, and most importantly, this has nothing to do with you 'not being good enough'. Alcoholic abusers are immune to any reason, there is absolutely nothing you can do - believe me, I know this - the only thing you can do is get out of the situation.

newbie987 · 04/07/2021 01:32

Thanks take time to recover and find the old you, you have done a huge thing Thanks wishing you a future of happiness!

Original poster
RainbowRaine · 04/07/2021 07:47

It's going to take a while to sort things practically.
I have no income of my own and no where else to live for now.
I feel relieved I have finally put an end to it but also so very terrified of what the future now holds.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowRaine · 04/07/2021 07:48

It didn't matter what I did, screamed, shouted, cried, begged him.
It was never enough

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 04/07/2021 07:48

Well done you 💐
There’s many of us out here that can’t make that move yet.
Make a to do list and don’t panic, take your time.

DinosaurDiana · 04/07/2021 07:50

Are you married ? If married do either of you have private pensions ?
Do you own or rent ?
Do you have a joint bank account ?
Can you get a job ?
Do you have kids ?

Holeycustardbatman · 04/07/2021 07:57

Wow I wish I had some good advice for you on how best to proceed and I’m hoping you have friends and relatives around who can support you through this time but I’m sure there are others here far better qualified on the advice front than me. Just felt compelled to post and say congratulations on thinking enough of yourself to finally get out. The relief is palpable and your future will be a lot brighter.

Original poster
RainbowRaine · 04/07/2021 09:01

DinosaurDiana

20 years married
Both have pensions
Rent
Joint account
Full time career can't get a job (I used to but I was having too much time off due to DC disability)
3 DC

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowRaine · 04/07/2021 09:02

My friends are my biggest cheerleaders, they have seen how I have been treated over the years and they have seen what a mess I have become.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowRaine · 04/07/2021 09:09

It's just hard to talk to them, they don't know the full extent, of everything I have gone through, being married to an alcoholic.

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 04/07/2021 09:14

Well done!

You just cannot win when there is an addiction. Nothing I said or did made any difference to my exs gambling addiction. He shrugged when I said it was the baby and me or gambling. Apparently he couldnt help it. I hate him and I hate gambling.

You will be okay. I hope you get finances and a home sorted out soon.

DinosaurDiana · 04/07/2021 09:33

Put it in the hands of a solicitor then.
Good luck, and keep moving forward to a better life 💐

Original poster
RainbowRaine · 04/07/2021 09:37

I feels horrible, it feels like I'm the one in the wrong.

OP posts:
DoingItMyself · 04/07/2021 09:38

No, you're the survivor. Keep swimming. x

KatySun · 04/07/2021 09:45

You are not in the wrong.
Ending a marriage is a horrible thing to have to do. As a child of an alcoholic father I can tell you that you are rightly putting yourself and DC first and you cannot fix an alcoholic, i am afraid.
Would the Citizen’s Advice Bureau be any use for advice on housing and benefits?

Mogloveseggs · 04/07/2021 11:32
Flowers Definitely contact citizens advice and possibly women's aid? They might be able to point you in the direction services to help quicker.
Weirdfan · 04/07/2021 11:45

Al-Anon (support for family/friends of alcoholics) might be worth a try for the 'can't talk to friends' issue OP, they will understand what you've been through and why you have to walk away and may well be a valuable source of info and support for how you go forward Flowers

LuvMyBubbles · 04/07/2021 12:32

Amazing you. One step at a time but you have a great future ahead of you!

Original poster
RainbowRaine · 05/07/2021 08:54

He is begging me not to go, one more chance, he has changed.

Why is this so hard, I feel like I'm ripping my heart in two.

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Original poster
RainbowRaine · 05/07/2021 08:54

I feel like a cold hearted bitch

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itbemay1 · 05/07/2021 08:56

Well done OP for making that move, be strong and keep remembering all the times he has previously said he'd change and hasn't. You will be fine. Keep repeating that. Sending hugs

Original poster
RainbowRaine · 05/07/2021 09:26

How do people do it? How do you pack up 20 years worth of life and walk away.
I know I need to, I know I want to, it's just hurting so badly.

OP posts:
DoingItMyself · 05/07/2021 13:17

In the past 20 years, he could have changed and didn't. Swim. Swim. Keep breathing. Breathe! And fight through this. You are doing so well.

You walk away because it's the healthiest thing to do for yourself.

Original poster
RainbowRaine · 05/07/2021 15:51

Thank you @DoingItMyself I should be moving out today but I keep stalling. DC don't want to leave, I can't force them.
Tying to think of other solutions.

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