At wit's end with my son's fussy eating

[peepopeepopeepo]

Hoping someone has some advice/reassurance. My 5.5 year old is really fussy and it is seriously getting me down. I am a good cook and love food, he gets home cooked meals every day and 9 times out of 10 he won't eat them.

Under previous advice I recieved I keep putting things I know he won't eat on his plate (the wisdom seems to be you have to keep offering things and eventually they will try them), I don't make any fuss about him either eating or not eating, I don't do the rewards thing as I was advised not to, I don't offer alternatives. Again previous advice I received was to make sure his plate always has one thing I know he will definitely eat on it.

I've been doing these things for what seems like forever now and it doesn't seem to be making the blindest bit of difference. He's never been a big eater - even as a tiny baby he wasn't that fussed about milk. He's on the small side for weight for his age (though still following his line on the chart) and he takes a multivitamin but I just worry about lack of nutrients and his general complete refusal to even try new foods, even stuff I am 99% sure he would like. I involve him in cooking all the time which he enjoys but even if he's helped to cook it he still won't eat it.

He will eat:

Bread of any description - brown/white etc (but nothing with seeds)
Rice, pasta, and potatoes of any description unless they have any herbs on them. Will not touch sweet potato or butternut squash. With pasta he will only really eat fusilli or penne, he gets very suspicious of small shapes like macaroni.
for pasta sauces he'll have cheese sauce and tomato sauce (I do home made and usually try to put veg in that) on pasta but it has to be smooth, any lumps at all and he won't eat it
Cheese - cheddar only, he won't entertain trying any other cheese like feta or halloumi or even a babybel or a cheesestring
Fruit - he will eat pear, apple, mango, melon, strawberries, blueberries and nectarines
Vegetables - the major sticking point. The only one he willingly and regularly eats is cucumber. He will grudgingly eat red pepper, carrot and broccoli but only very small amounts. Apart from that - nothing.
Meat - chicken, occasionally a home made meatball, ham, sausage (we don't have the latter two much as I don't like to give him processed meat).
He'll eat yoghurt but only the petit filous sort, not plain greek or anything like that.
Crisps/chocolate/cake/sweets and so on - needless to say these aren't every day things but he's even fussy about these unlike most children - will only eat pom bears or tortilla chips for crisps, and only plain milk chocolate - like he wouldn't eat a cake with chocolate chips in it, it would have to be plain sponge. He has never tried a sweet (he's been offered one).

I've been repeatedly told he'll grow out of it but he's been like this since I weaned him and if anything he has got worse, not better.

Any advice I haven't tried?!?!

I wish my ds2 would eat all that! All he'll eat for dinner is sausage! Which he doesn't get every day I should add. And he'd definitely refuse Nutella on toast!
I think for 5.5 he's doing great. I wouldn't make too much of a fuss at this stage so eating doesn't become a battle but stays an enjoyable time (difficult, I know !)

He eats more variety than my 5yo ds does. A multivitamin, a wing and a prayer works for us.

One thing that hasn’t been mentioned (I think) and that I see in common with ALL of my friends who label their kids as fussy, or bad eaters, are their tendency as parents to give their kids snacks. The kids have breakfast, then snacks during the morning and even within an hour of being expected to eat lunch and then the parents are miffed when the kids pick and choose what to eat from their plate.
It’s ok for kids to be hungry by meal times, and IMO, do without snacks (post school meal excepting) and kids will eat the food you put in front of them.

My only advice is to make a proactive decision that this is a not a hill you will die on.

My DD (now 13) is a fussy eater. By which I mean no dairy, no fruit, no veg, very limited everything else. I used to be in tears a lot about it. Then I decided that I would just stop - she now eats the same 3 or 4 meals every week and we are all happy with that. Sometimes things get better and a new food is tried, sometimes things dip a bit.

I now don't react to anything food related. What I do is make sure that there is a wide range of food in the house, that DD sees me and DH eating different foods and has exposure to things. Sometimes there is a bit of a 'ooh that smells interesting' conversation.

(that said, DD has ASD and ADHD so with hindsight I know my efforts would have been wasted!)

I would honestly be over the moon if my 4 year old would eat half of these things. He doesn’t sound massively fussy to me (but I do have a very very fussy eater) I’d just keep doing what you are doing and I’m sure he will gradually increase the amount of things he will try.

@peepopeepopeepo it sounds like he eats a good variety, my advice would be NOT to offer things that he won't eat, but show him you/ others enjoying it, he may just want to try as he'll think he's missing out!! It's surprising what the fear of missing out will get them to try!

One thing that hasn’t been mentioned (I think) and that I see in common with ALL of my friends who label their kids as fussy, or bad eaters, are their tendency as parents to give their kids snacks. The kids have breakfast, then snacks during the morning and even within an hour of being expected to eat lunch and then the parents are miffed when the kids pick and choose what to eat from their plate.

He never eats snacks. We are three meals a day, sat at the table, and always have been.

He sounds just like my [email protected] always been fussy&its been a struggle to not lose the plot over it sometimes especially when we're eating out or on hols but its only food &i just made sure the protein was there(mine have at least 1 protein shake a day)multi vit/iron&calcium-again mine took supplements and they can eat the veg/fruit/carbs they like..its no biggie in our house&i trained them young to fix their own snacks/meals if they want something boring/bland/basic!
Mine are now towering mid-teens and have plenty of energy/sleep well-so just keep doing what you're doing..not every 5 year old is chomping down olives&blue cheese&competing for the adventurous food olympics.

@peepopeepopeepo

Ok maybe I do need to chill out! I just love food so much I feel bad for him missing out on all the delicious things he could be eating.

It is way too easy to worry about our children - I am a professional worrier, and if I wasn’t worrying about something when the dd were little, I’d worry that I’d forgotten something, so I know what you are feeling, @peepopeepopeepo.

One thing that might work is eating different foods in front of him (which I’m sure you already do) but saying they aren’t for little children - just for grown ups and older kids - it’s the allure of forbidden fruit.

That's basically the list of foods my 7 year old eats minus the fruit and veg. He will only eat veg if blended into pasta sauce (blend in carrot, red pepper and onion and he has this twice a week) and only eats bananas if I make banana pancakes and serve it with ice cream which again I do a few times a week. I just mix a whole banana with wholemeal flour and fry both sides then pat the oil off. Tedious. I cant just hand him a piece of fruit to eat.

I just tell myself that this paltry amount of fruit and veg combined with the dried fruit he eats (dried anything - mango, pineapple, raisins, dates etc) plus the fact we always give him wholemeal pasta / bread and brown rice means he is getting enough fibre. He has orange juice, a big bowl of shreddies, wholemeal toast and fruit spread (not jam, he thinks its jam) for breakfast and a vitamin and I hope that sets him up for the day. Often will.only eat bread for lunch at school if its something he doesnt like. I'm not giving in to packed lunches though.

I supplement most dinners with a piece of peanut butter on toast and small bowl of raisins to fill him up. Put veg on every meal as advised but it is always left.

It is a worry OP, you have my sympathy.

Wish my 2yo would eat fruit and veg 😭 I got him to try some raspberries today by pretending they were mine, he said mmm and tried them a few times but kept spitting them out. Honestly I can get him to eat apples but no other fruit or veg 😔 even peppers and sweetcorn on homemade pizza he will pick off. Won't touch pasta or sandwiches, he would have potato waffles every meal if I let him.
It must be annoying to have to keep making separate meals for him but not sure what else you can do as you seem to really have tried everything. Can keep hoping they grow out of it 🤞

He doesn't sound fussy at all. He eats more than my 7 year old.

I was that fussy child! To me he is not a fussy eater, I wouldn't eat half the stuff on that list even now. Being a fussy eater I'm really not bothered about what children eat as long as they are fed and happy. It doesn't matter if they are fussy now, they may become less fussy later on. I am still fussy but nowhere near as bad as I used to be.

The problem is that I have listened to various people tell me over the years that if I a) feed him a variety of foods from birth (b) don't make separate meals for him (c) sit at the table with him to eat as a family (d) involve him in cooking (e) don't make a fuss over eating/not eating (f) don't offer snacks (g) don't offer alternatives - all will be well and I won't have a fussy eater and he will just eat what he's given.

Well I've done all that and he doesn't! If I serve him up something for dinner and he doesn't eat it he will just leave it, he won't even ask for anything else. He would go to bed hungry rather than eat it, without a word of complaint. It's not even like he asks for something else and I say no, he'll just literally not eat his dinner and then not ask for anything else til breakfast the next day.

I do think I have higher standards because in my culture children eat a much wider variety of food. The vegetables he eats feels like absolutely nothing to me. My diet has ten times that amount of vegetables in it.

That’s because those people are frankly talking rubbish!

Just feed him what he likes. This really shouldn’t be an issue

I do feed him what he likes btw. Don't think I'm feeding him olive and lentil casserole and letting him go hungry.

I think you ARE doing all the right things, and just don't lose confidence but keep doing them and assume he will get there. It doesn't sound as if he needs a huge amount of food. IME children from families where good food is routinely cooked and enjoyed almost always grow up to share in their family's food culture, even if there are some bumps in the road when they are young.

I think the advice does work for some children, but not all. I'm pretty sure there's sensory stuff involved for my DD and DSD because they both would rather be hungry than eat food they don't like. They don't find food a treat and it's all a bit of a chore.

I have two Dc, one who will eat pretty much anything (with exceptions, but he is easy to cook for and is pretty adventurous - his idea of a treat for lunch is a mountain of sushi) and another one who has Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. He eats from only a tiny list of foods.

They were weaned and brought up identically.

There is nothing that you are doing wrong, and your DS eats a good variety of food. I wouldn’t be at all concerned about nutrients, maybe with the exception of iron. I think he may grow up to eat a larger variety than you think is possible. I don’t think anyone medical would think that this diet is at all problematic.

My parents always made a big thing about me being a fussy eater. I don’t think you are doing this, but it has really stuck with me. And it wasn’t even true - I just didn’t like what they liked. To me, they are the ‘fussy’ ones. I’m in my 40s and I will eat every meat, fish, spices, herbs, fruit, pulses, grains etc. And some cheese and all veg that doesn’t have a floret (texture thing!). I will eat anything from any culture and we eat plenty of Moroccan, Indian, Chinese, Thai etc.

And yet my parents still say that I’m fussy. It’s like they won’t allow themselves to think that I am not who I was when I was 8yo. Whereas my mum won’t eat pasta or shellfish; my dad won’t eat garlic, spices, or anything that isn’t British, American or Italian.

I make the biggest effort EVER not to tell him he's fussy. I make zero fuss about him not eating, none, even though I am inwardly pulling out my hair. I never say "just one more bite" or make him finish what's on his plate. I just find it so hard as a mother to present him with a beautiful plate of tasty and nutritious home cooked food and watch him eat four pieces of pasta . I feel like I've failed him.

Is he a healthy weight.. if so don't stress

Are you offering any snacks or alternatives that he can fill up on because you are worried ... if so , that won't help

I agree with all other comments. This really is not a battle to fight as you will not win and both you and your child will be miserable. I have 2 fussy eaters, now teenagers. My youngest has autism and lots of sensory issues with foods. For 10+ years I have gone to work and then cooked 3 different dinners every night.
I have always prepared and given them what they will eat, from their limited range. And over the years, as they have got older both of them will now eat more and are more open to trying new foods but no where near the list you said you eat.
Just feed your child what he will eat so he is full and happy and healthy. He sounds like he has a balanced diet for his age and eats some variety. And stop listening to others opinions and views. He is your son, they don't get to come in with a criticism, just shut that down.
Honestly stop overthinking it. Enjoy mealtimes, chat about your day and keep it relaxed.

“ I just find it so hard as a mother to present him with a beautiful plate of tasty and nutritious home cooked food and watch him eat four pieces of pasta sad. I feel like I've failed him.”

OP, I mean this in the kindest possible way, but are you by any chance a tiny bit over invested in this? Kids generally don’t give a shit about how beautifully cooked their meals are. It would make life much nicer if they did! But in the meantime, I think you’d make life easier for yourself if you dropped your standards a bit.

Lots of good ideas and support here so hopefully it has made you feel a bit better?
One kind doctor said to me when I was weeping and wailing that my son was going to die of malnutrition simply said “ let him eat what he wants and if he likes tomato ketchup let him squirt it all over his food”
The funny thing is he loved cooking with me in the kitchen as long as he didn’t have to eat it!
He did manage school residentials by happily living on toast for three meals a day for 5 days
On a family holiday to Florida, he announced aged 6 on the plane that he wouldn’t be eating anything American. And he didn’t. I took a big box of rice crispies with me as back up and he ate those plus milk plus ice lollies.
For the sanity of the rest of my ( worried about him but normal eaters themselves) other children I didn’t make him sit through eg Christmas dinners as it was torturous for all concerned. I gave him his plate of permitted food items before we ate and then he happily used to sit without any pressure at the table with us reading all of the cracker jokes to us!
He ate his first full Christmas dinner including sprouts in December 2011 aged 20, home from the first term of second year uni.
He now is 29, normal weight, height, healthy, living in a flat share and enjoys cooking.
The only possible reason a specialist could come up with was that he did have quite a narrow throat.