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Original poster

Cousin steals small things from me—how to handle

48 replies

blisstwins · 29/06/2021 03:58

I have almost no family. I divorced a few years ago and my parents and siblings have died.
I have one first cousin who I love and enjoy. She is good company, but cannot be counted on for help, etc.
A lot of the problem stems from the fact that she is a very envious person. My family was wealthier than hers, and I am better educated and make more money. She is unhappy with her own life and thinks everyone else has it easy. She has said as much to my children.
The thing really bothering me now is nothing new, but maybe I have hit my threshold? She takes stuff all the time. If she uses my bathroom she might take an eyeliner or lipstick. My mom
Passed away and I am clearing her apartment. Without asking she went through my moms jewelry (costume) and took what she said she had given her over the years. She told my daughter, not me. I had my makeup at my moms and I can see she pillaged that to. I even saw some of my things in her bathroom and did not say anything because I feel like if I do I will just have no family. She is constantly crying poverty and I have helped her and her brother here are there. Everyone works, but they think I am rich, especially since my sibling died (sib was not married, no children). They don’t understand I am a single mom and have two children to get through college, etc.
How would you handle?
Fwiw, if I confront directly she will just lie. She will sai she had the same one, thought I did not want it and will give it back, or will y my mom told her to take it (absolutely untrue).
I have this and wish I could just enjoy my cousin, but I feel as though she thinks I am an idiot

OP posts:

Original poster

blisstwins · 29/06/2021 03:59

Hate this and wish I could just enjoy her….should have previewed to proof read. Apologies

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 29/06/2021 04:04

Fucking hell, stop being such a doormat! Your cousin is a thief and you shouldn't be allowing her in your home. Who cares if she's "family", she certainly doesn't. I'd be binning her off.

LunaTheCat · 29/06/2021 05:09

Oh, I am sorry OP - so hard. You have lost many people close to yourself and also your marriage.
I hear you love your cousin but she is clearly troubled.
If you love her I would gently confront her - ignoring means that as well as loosing stuff you are not helping her.
Her response will tell you everything. If she becomes angry ( more likely) at the message then she does not want help to address but if she accepts what you say it may lead to growth for her and make your relationship better ( I think this is probably less likely sadly)
Family is important to you but sometimes family are shit and you have to make your own family - I am in a situation where I have had to do that.
You sound lovely and caring and that is a good place to start.

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Families

Peacelillyhippy · 29/06/2021 05:44

Can't you just take the stuff back? I would.

Fistful · 29/06/2021 05:50

Why would you ‘love and enjoy’ someone who is both vocally envious and a thief??? Who needs ‘family’ if the bargain is giving her money while pretending not to notice her stealing from you, not to mention from the estate of your dead mother?

MadameMonk · 29/06/2021 06:10

Loving family relationships are fundamentally built on trust- there can’t be trust with this woman.

Is she equally morally ‘fluid’ when it comes to telling the truth, keeping your confidences and living up to her commitments to you? She clearly has a vivid inner life that allows her to quickly justify these thefts as something else. Anyone this self-entitled can only bring you hurt in the long run.

Blood family isn’t the be all and end all. Form your own tribe of people- of all ages- who share your values and care for you. This woman does neither.

I’d tell her why, too. Straight out. She knows it’s true, and so do you. Refuse to discuss it and listen to more lies. Feel free to go for a good riffle through her jewellery box before you pull the pin on the relationship. Those bits belonging to your mum are too precious to lose.

bongbigboobingbongbing · 29/06/2021 06:26

God she's awful. The make up is one thing but to go through your dead mother's jewellery

I understand why you are reluctant to cause a rift but she will steal from you forever unless you tell her to stop. It might even get worse - if she gets away with small things she might start to think it's ok to take money, valuables, stuff that you can't afford to replace.

Personally I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue. If she flounces, too bad. There are plenty of people in the world to spend time with who won't steal from you or make you feel bad about your background.

Original poster

blisstwins · 29/06/2021 06:26

Thank you all so much. She is troubled in some ways and I feel sorry for her. If she were not my cousin I would not seek her out, but she is the only other adult who knew my sibling, mom, grandparents. I grew up very close to her and I am a decade older so have always been somewhat of a career to her.
The things she takes are so stupid and are things I would give her anyway. It is more the trust and feelings taken advantage of.
I think I am not willing to cut her out of my life completely—I would literally have no family aside from my children—but I am starting to feel like I really do need to have it it with her. Or next time I go to her home I just start sticking things that are mine in my bag.I usually let it all go, but taking from my moms without asking and not offering to help at all has me angry. I also think we are likely at a pivot with regard to holidays. Our moms were sisters and were extremely close. I have spent every holiday of my life with her. A friend has talked me into doing Thanksgiving her in the fall and I will accept. A such a shame to feel this way over stolen perfume, nail polish, eyeliners and whatever. I guess they are all tiny acts of spite in her part.

OP posts:

Fistful · 29/06/2021 06:42

If you genuinely want to maintain a relationship with her, see her at a restaurant, bar, café, or anywhere she can’t access your belongings? And obviously, don’t leave her unattended with your handbag. Yes

HollowTalk · 29/06/2021 06:45

Can you visit her instead or meet for coffee? I wouldn't let her into my house.

Original poster

blisstwins · 29/06/2021 06:53

It is funny, I always let it go, but it makes my daughter insane. My daughter literally won’t let her come over when I am not home.

Her behavior is as weird as I think it is, right?

I really did always just shrug, but she stole some Christmas presents to sell on eBay once (my daughter caught her) and I have really seen her in a different light since. He must really dislike me and it is a shame because I love her and wish it were not like this.

OP posts:

BlazeMonsterMachine · 29/06/2021 07:00

If she's jealous of you, do you think she might be taking things to "even things out"?

It's not a reasonable thing for her to be doing and I'm not defending her. Just offering the possible justification she may be using in her head.

Poorlykitten · 29/06/2021 07:04

If your daughter sees her doing this then your cousin can’t lie about it can they? I mean you have a witness. Feels a bit like you are being walked over and this is really awful behaviour on your cousins part. Not respectful or kind.

Ohgonthenillhaveabrew · 29/06/2021 07:07

Where is the limit of what she can take before you call her out on it… Dint allow it family or not

Original poster

blisstwins · 29/06/2021 07:11

@BlazeMonsterMachine

If she's jealous of you, do you think she might be taking things to "even things out"?

It's not a reasonable thing for her to be doing and I'm not defending her. Just offering the possible justification she may be using in her head.

Yes. I think it is this exactly.

My mother was very pretty and well-liked. Though my parents divorced, my father was financially successful and my aunt had sibling rivalry that was ridiculous. My mother always ignored it and loved her sister dearly. They did a lot of things together and had a good relationship, except for the crazy jealousy that would pop up.

My cousin has said crazy things to my kids—she told them I did not work for a decade and I just took money from my family. That is just not true. I went to college and then earned a Phd. I worked part-time in college though my father did pay tuition. Her family would not/could not help with college and she did not go. My PhD was funded by my university and I worked as a TA+fellowships. In her mind things were handed to me. I am grateful for the opportunities Inhave had, but saying I did not work is just not true.

I know she feels she has gotten the raw end in life and it makes me sad for her. She is someone who would rather feel aggrieved than try to change things however.

All this said, she is smart, she reads, loves to travel, cooks well, an evening with her is pleasant. I just really have not worked out how to weigh the good against this very bad habit she has that really makes me feel terrible.

OP posts:

sanityisamyth · 29/06/2021 07:30

What do you love about her? Why do you need to have her in your life? She sounds awful.

I'm NC with one of my sisters as she was a thief, a bully and an abuser when I was growing up. I don't want her in my life. It doesn't matter that we share the same parents.

Cut her out of your life. Your daughter clearly doesn't like her. Why would you perpetuate the dysfunctional relationship with some distant family member when your own daughter clearly doesn't want her in her life?

Saidtoomuch · 29/06/2021 07:38

She isn't a nice person @blisstwins. I get that she is your only family outside of your house, but honestly you are better off without her. She steals from you, lies about you to your children (which is much worse imo), and has huge resentment for you. I could (and do) leave cash out in my home openly and know for a fact that not one person who visits my home would take it. You can't have people in your home that you can't trust. Confront her, this might be a mental health issue, which is no excuse, but if it is she needs help.

MadameMonk · 29/06/2021 07:45

I think your take on this woman is pretty unusual. You weigh up her good and bad traits as if there’s a giant scale. But actually relationships aren’t ledgers. Shared values and being a ‘safe harbor’ underlie the rest of the social stuff, surely?

Consider that you are not role-modelling healthy personal boundaries to your daughter, in fact you may be somewhat parentifying your DD? She feels the need to look out for your interests and your family possessions more than you do? It seems to be stressful for her, both the ongoing thefts (and risks of thefts) as well as your passive reactions to it. I wonder if your daughter will grow up feeling that there’s no one to protect her from difficult people, wrong or criminal behaviour against herself?

I know that when I stand up for myself and my girl, I’m often doing it far more for her than myself. If I save her from one bad relationship, from one person taking advantage of her good nature, it was worth the hassle and extra effort. Otherwise (if I do nothing) the lesson is surely something like ‘It’s fine for people to say they love you, but secretly hurt you over and over. Don’t count on people deep down, just pretend to on the surface.’

I could have misunderstood some part of your situation, or not have the full story. So sorry if I sound overly harsh! Still I think the issues I’ve raised are worth a think?

C8H10N4O2 · 29/06/2021 07:45

Who cares if she's "family", she certainly doesn't

Blood is not always thicker than water.

Meet her on neutral ground if you really want to keep in touch but you have your children as family and for a wider network start to build your post bereavement life with good friends rather than bad relatives.

Fistful · 29/06/2021 07:54

I agree with @MadameMonk — my mother’s total lack of boundaries and readiness to let herself be exploited meant that I had to be the adult from far too young, as well as combating her idea that it ‘wasn’t nice’ to stop family members treating you like dirt. It’s very poor modelling of healthy, sane adult relationships. Don’t for your DD, if not yourself.

Fistful · 29/06/2021 07:54

Sorry, DO IT for your DD, not ‘don’t’.

80Days · 29/06/2021 08:01

I think the first step is to stop letting her in your house. She’s stolen from you before, she’ll almost certainly steal from you again if she’s got access to your stuff.

If you want to continue seeing her, then do it either at her house, or in a public setting like a cafe or park. And I’d not be letting my handbag etc out of my sight while with her.

Howshouldibehave · 29/06/2021 08:07

I wouldn’t want to spend time with someone like this

A friend has talked me into doing Thanksgiving her in the fall and I will accept

What does this mean? Do you mean you’re doing thanksgiving WITH her? Is the friend something to do with the cousin? Stop being talked into things.

myfuckingfreezer · 29/06/2021 08:12

What did she say when your daughter caught her stealing Xmas presents?

Somuddled · 29/06/2021 08:16

The fact the your daughter is unhappy with the stealing should be enough for you to put some distance between you and the cousin. I can understand wanting to hold on to family, but you are holding on the the wrong person. Focus on your children and not the cousin.

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